Still in a place of Limbo - words mean something?

[Nwish]

Hi Everyone... .thank you for all the support with my previous posts.

 I was wondering if Anyone had their pwBPD say they could never be with you again romantically and still come back missing you? My Ex was very confused and contradicted a lot of his own words and his actions didn’t match. After jumping out of our relationship I think he felt shame and then thought I would reject him if he wanted me back. Also, there was too much going on and he was stressed. This is all speculation but that is what happens when trying to talk with him - you never know what he really means or his true feelings.

At the end he says he loves me as a solid friend and we can never be romantic because he ripped my heart out. We have taken months of space. I’d really appreciate anyone’s feedback. He will communicate with me and posts things that I think relate to me. An emotionally stable man would go after what he wants but I truly feel like my Ex is waiting for me to tell him how much I want him back... .but I could be in denial. This is the purpose of my question. I take most people at their word, but I feel like my Ex still holds onto hope but won’t make any moves and will just go along with this forever and I will never know.

Sorry for the rant, my question is just if anyone has experienced this thing where they say they can never enter into another romantic relationship with you, only to turn around and change it, because the rest of their feelings  change like the wind. Thanks for any support. I’m having trouble moving forward.

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[juju2]

Hi Nwish,
Am separated, and we see eachother once a week,
We separated, March 2017, after ten years living together, because we both became toxic to one another, and we thought perhaps we have a chance, if I get healed from co dependency, and he could get healed from a lot of BPD behaviours.

The last time I asked him about "us" he said he didn't know if we had a future.  He did say no one knows the future.

So, I am accepting what is for today.  I take it one day at a time, dealing w my issues and accepting what we do have, once a week. 
We were going to counseling, and the counselor said that we needed work on the friendship part of our r/s, because we had horrible communication... .

best wishes, j

[Nwish]

Thanks for the reply, JuJu -

It sounds like you both are thinking about it in a positive way and that’s good.

My ex only communicates now if I reach out and I think he is too negative to make anything work between us without some miracle. It’s an empty feeling because nothing was going bad between us. Jealousy was ramping up a little and we were getting closer to our goal of being together (both going through divorces to be together)... .it’s everything he wanted up until the very end and he roadblocked it according to his family. I have no idea where he is emotionally anymore. I find it hard to believe he can just toss it aside.

[braveSun]

Sorry for the rant, my question is just if anyone has experienced this thing where they say they can never enter into another romantic relationship with you, only to turn around and change it, because the rest of their feelings  change like the wind. Thanks for any support. I’m having trouble moving forward.

Nwish
I am sorry that you are going through this patch. These waters can be difficult to navigate indeed. I've had a failed attempt at a relationship with a pwBPD in the past where this sort of thing happened between us.

At some point she told me something similar. She had felt the attraction, had feelings for me, was seeing this could not have a future, wanted to be good friends, ... .  And on the other hand, there was all this attraction between us. One thing that I would have liked someone to remind me back than is that I was being in the throws of some sort of cognitive dissonance.

What I mean by that is that I had my feelings for this person going all over the place because I was perceiving mixed signals. Like as if the words I was hearing were not true because I was feeling it differently.

It's very important that you asked this question. Because it says that somewhere in you there is this little voice saying  "Hmm!... Something is unusual here."

Your intuition is right. Something is unusual.

Also as important is the need to take in as much information as we can. That is, did he tell you that he could not be in a romantic relationship with you? If so, listen to it.

The reality is, both your intuition and his decisions about the possible future of the relationship are true.   

You can take it yourself in the direction of your choice. Your choice.
His is a no. It could be a moment of lucidity of his part. It could be a moment of overwhelm, where he needs to sort out his feelings regarding the divorce. It could be the desire to have someone right than, to not miss an opportunity. It could be many things. Feelings can move very fast for a pwBPD. You have understood that.

May I ask you this?
If you explore that feeling you get from him that makes you confused, which emotions do you feel are most prevalent? Happy? Painful? Angry? Any of the above? The answer is all of them are important. Not one over the other, all of them. Take that mix, and carry this into a future of say a year from now. Would you need more emotional participation from him to make it work? He told you what he could do.

From there you can make your own decision.