Went through a wild week. It is so frustrating.

[Catlady3.14]

This thread is a continuation of He is threatening suicide and I don't know what to do! which is locked due to reaching it's post limit.

Hey Wentworth,
Thank you for the suggestion. I'm headed to the library today and I'm going to at least request this book, if they don't have it.
It sounds like it could be helpful to me and my kids.

I've went through a wild week. It is so frustrating. And disappointing over and over. I see a glimpse of sane movement forward and then three steps back with myself. And with husband.
I just started a new medication and I am so hopeful it will help me. And if it does maybe it will be an encouragement for hubby to take the leap to try medical and !metal health professionals.
Fingers crossed!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

That's great that you are determined to work on yourself.  When we lose track of the need to nurture and grow ourselves, and sink all of our energy into managing someone else, we're headed for trouble!  I love libraries.  In the age of the Internet, the local library still rocks.

Keep us posted, and feel free to share more about your wild week if you would like.

WW

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Catlady,

Sorry you've had a tough week, but don't lose heart.  Stick with your plans, use the tools and persist in trying.  Nobody gets this stuff right all the time, certainly not at first, but it will become easier the more you use them.  It's not going to be all plain sailing but you can create some forward motion.  I'm pleased you're investing in yourself by reading up and learning in order to build your confidence.  Children are one heck of a challenge! 

I have The Power of Validation for children, by Hall and Cook, which has been helpful with my son who is emotionally sensitive and struggles to manage his emotions sometimes.  Another book I've found really good is Setting Limits with your Strong Willed Child - Eliminating conflict by establishing clear, firm and respectful boundaries, by Robert McKenzie.  BPD sufferers and caretakers/codependents alike can struggle with boundaries and it's something we must consciously work on, so I've really found this book useful for practising my resolve to honour those boundaries without bending and giving in.  I can see the benefit in my son and my little 'aggressive researcher' is testing less! 

Do you think your H would be willing to read the books after you do?  I'm thinking of the last book I mentioned as I've now loaned it to my son's father.  It addresses different approaches to handling conflict and I know he has his own challenges with this.  The book inspires some introspection around what we do and what the outcome is in the relationship with our children.  Perhaps if you're able to borrow it from the library you may find as I did that it would be a beneficial read for more than just yourself.  It's written in a non judgemental way and offers quick and easy methods to put into practise that get better results than the traditional approaches past generations used, so we can break the cycle.  I had a lot of recognition when reading.

As Wentworth has said, if you want to talk about the situations you've had this week, perhaps you can work through these here and prepare for any repeats in advance.  Which of the tools are you focusing on right now?

Love and light x   

[Catlady3.14]

Well I posted a topic "good or bad.idk"
I was struggling with pmdd and we have had a bumpy up and dowm. It feels like this is never ending.
I actually got to the doctor and they put me on cymbalta for fibromyalgia and depression.
Then I have a referral to get some other health issues worked out.
Medication seems to be working but the side effects for this first week are really extreme. I pray they taper off after I get use to the medicine.
HQ, I'll definitely check those books out. Thank you very much.
I doubt husband would read it.

I'm really working on jade. I have an incredible desire to defend and justify. It's rough. Sometimes I recognize I'm doing it and cut off and don't respond.
I don't know how else to respond once that happens.

Husband is such a rollercoaster. (As am i) He is working now on some side jobs and that is great to have a break from each other.

What I noticed that was most disturbing to me is that he erased 4 days while we were getting alone alright.
He got upset and it was like that time did not happen for him at all.
I tried to address it when he first said it and I have brought it up since but bending respond to any talk of it.
I don't know if he realizes he was wrong and doesn't want to admit or if he doesn't realize it at all?

Is that part of BPD?

[Radcliff]

Yes, it can be hard not to JADE!  When you find yourself succeeding, give yourself a big pat on the back, and if you like, tell us and we will too!   Once you succeed in not JADEing, a good next step can be to validate the emotions.  With our pwBPD, sometimes their emotions equal facts.  They will alter the facts to fit their emotions.  It is disorienting and upsetting to us "nons" and we can jump right into JADE if we are not careful.  Instead, we can say, "OK, this person I love is having a true emotion.  I'm going to ignore the 'facts' I don't agree with and will try to understand the emotion behind it and validate that emotion."  It won't work every time, but if you practice this, I'm betting you'll have some satisfying successes that will improve things.

WW

[Harley Quinn]

I had to log off suddenly before I was able to reply yesterday so I'm glad that Wentworth responded with some good advice.  

Finding something to validate was a learning curve for me, yet even my botched attempts did change the direction of the conversation and would calm my ex before he reached boiling point.  I'm in agreement that a good thing to replace JADEing with would be validation.  

Have you seen this video on Validation in Families?  It was a real eye opener for me and allowed me to be conscious about not validating the invalid.  :)efinitely worth a watch to hear someone speaking about this skill if you've not seen it already.  Like all the tools, it just takes practise, but having this in your mind to replace the JADE responses with could prove very helpful when you find yourself at a loss for what to say.

Fibromyalgia is an additional challenge for you which is a testament to your strength of character Catlady.  I have a chronic neurological condition which requires for me to take anticonvulsants also, and have tried Cymbalta in the past.  You're right about the side effects.  I do hope they ease for you in the coming weeks.  If not, be sure to speak to your doctor about trying something different.  It took me a long time to find the right medication that has side effects which are more tolerable for me.  There is still cognitive impairment and some balance issues but it's a far cry from what I was like when I first began my trials of (many) drugs.  

Did the doctor give you the Cymbalta for the depression as well?  :)o you have any specific treatment for the pmdd?

Love and light x

  

[Catlady3.14]

Hey guys,
HQ, I'm sorry to hear you struggle with neurological issues. I'm glad you are doing better though. and Thank you for the encouragement.  I have honestly put off doctors for so long because my hate for the drugs. Doctors didn't know what was wrwow with me and kept basically throwing anything at me, so I gave up and dealt with it for many years. It is so hard, drugs can have such a nasty effect on you.
But I think the pain has broke my worry of medications.
Cymbalta has helped I think. I can feel pain and within maybe a half hour it eases a bit on and off again all day... It is for the depression as well. She is sending me to obgyn to get help with the pmdd. She said they can test my hormone levels and better prescribe for it.
  I haven't seen the validation in families video, do you have a link I could follow?

WW, thank you for the support it really means alot.  So this time he has forgotten or erased is him altering the facts?
I think sometimes he becomes paranoid and imagines people following him because of past trauma.
He can talk me in circles. And when I was completely wrapped up, I could not tell which way was up, now that I am gaining understanding I see how off he is sometimes.
I internalized it and thought it was all me for so long.
So basically, I shouldn't try to tell him he is wrong and try to ease his fear or upset.
Should this be addressed after he has calmed down and is balanced again?

[Harley Quinn]

Apologies, I didn't spot that my link was broken.  It's part of this article, so try this one instead:

Communication Skills - Don't be Invalidating

Just looking within the article now I see the link is down there too, so I'll have this looked into and hopefully we'll have that back again soon.  Meantime the written content is very helpful.

Great work paying attention to your physical needs and getting help from a doctor.  I'm so pleased you're taking care of yourself.  That is the most important thing you can do if you hope to improve things for your family.  If you are feeling well then you are more able to handle situations the way you plan to and cope with those situations that are out of your control without them impacting you as negatively as they might.  Wonderful progress Catlady 

Just in response to your question about raising things when he is calm.  Absolutely this is the only time you'll have any sort of a meaningful or productive conversation.  Trying to address things with him when he is dysregulated will be a futile exercise and could potentially escalate him.  You're definitely on the right track!

Love and light x 

[Catlady3.14]

Some examples of invalidating responses:

"I didn't mean it that way!"
"... .but that's not... ."
"This is what happened"
"NO, you've go it wrong!"
"I AM doing it right"
"you're not doing that right. Let me do it for you"
"I was only trying to... ."
"Why can't you just let it go?"
"why do you always have to do this?"
or it may just be the way we sigh, raise our eyebrow, or even worse - roll our eyes



OH MY! I think, no I know I have said every line up there!

Wow.
This is where I go so worng.
Thank you for the link, I haven't had a chance to watch the video. But I will be! Also have two of the four books recommended coming from the library,hopefully soon.
My son actually took a list up there for !e and when he looked at it he rolled his eyes, .as they were all help books for children.
I think I handled it pretty well though.
I said "I know you think those are about you, as a child but they are really books on how I, as a parent, can be a better mom."
He shrugged , okay. Lol with a smile.

[Harley Quinn]

I'm so glad that you're finding the article helpful. We all can say or do invalidating things without realising it and when we learn the importance of validation especially to an emotionally sensitive and highly reactive person it's like being given a secret formula that's previously been hidden from us.

It helps to think of commonly occurring situations and plan for how you can validate at these times. It will gradually fall into place but can feel a bit like learning a new language at first. Stick with it and let us know of any stumbling blocks you foresee.

I think the way you explained the books to your son was really open and honest which is so important in our relationships with our kids. It's good for them to see that it's OK to not have all the answers and for us to want to improve at what we do. You're showing him you care about being a great parent and that's a wonderful thing for a child to hear. Our kids seeing us actively develop ourselves is teaching them to work on themselves throughout their lives and keep learning which is a very healthy lesson for a child in taking responsibility for themselves. Good going!

[Radcliff]

The link to the video has been fixed above.

WW, thank you for the support it really means alot.  So this time he has forgotten or erased is him altering the facts?
I think sometimes he becomes paranoid and imagines people following him because of past trauma.
He can talk me in circles. And when I was completely wrapped up, I could not tell which way was up, now that I am gaining understanding I see how off he is sometimes.
I internalized it and thought it was all me for so long.
So basically, I shouldn't try to tell him he is wrong and try to ease his fear or upset.
Should this be addressed after he has calmed down and is balanced again?

If individual facts or few related facts get altered, that is what I associate with the facts=emotions aspect of BPD.  With regard to forgetting things or losing time, one of the BPD books I was reading (I'm sorry, I've forgotten which one) explained that during periods of high emotional arousal, our pwBPD may not form memories as they or we normally would.  This can be disorienting for us when they insist something did not happen that we know did.  This doesn't mean that any time they deny something has happened that it's because they never formed a memory (they may simply be lying or there may be another reason), but it is one possible explanation.  Have you observed situations where he might have been very emotionally aroused and later doesn't appear to remember?

Definitely don't try to convince him that he is wrong.  I can relate to being "talked in circles" by a pwBPD who is intelligent, articulate, and is also distorting reality.  Yes, validate the emotions.  If you are in a situation where it's eventually going to be important to get the truth out there, you can use tools like SET.  Have you read about that one yet?

WW

[Catlady3.14]

Well I know he was upset about his son going to visit his mom for the summer. Before he denied these four days existed.
Honestly, I'm not sure.
Sometimes he does breeze over things, like if he is in a nasty mood he'll sometimes go off by himself and come back as if nothing was wrong.
Mothers day was like walking a tight rope. Trying hard to avoid a fight.
He waited til bed time to sarcastically say happy mother's day.
And how I didn't appreciate him.
I wasn't upset about this because we'll what good would that do?
My kids were very sweet, and I focused on that.
 I think he didn't realize it was until I told his mom happy mother's day. He cooked dinner, which was his way of showing care. I accept that.

He proceeded to picked at me all day.
I could hardly keep from laughing at his attempts. But bless him for his persistence
I kid you not, my 3 yo. sat a piece of sandwich on his lap and he picks it up and hands it in my direction. I said no thank you. Then he gets mad because I wouldn't throw it away for him.
He throws it on the table and rants that I don't care about him and appreciate him he shouldn't have to sit it on the table... .directly beside him!

Posted before I was done.
I have read the set tools but I should review them.
I go to therapy tomorrow and I am going to see if I can get more visits maybe every two weeks I hope.
Medications are seeming to level me out. I hope it continues to. I feel funny but not bad. I'm very shaky and I hate that but I think over all its going well.

[Radcliff]

A belated Happy Mother's Day!  I'm glad your kids were sweet!  That's the most important thing!  Nowhere in your description did I hear you fighting to control his behavior or reacting emotionally to it.  Good work!  Not to say it wouldn't have been nice to not have to ride out some of that stuff, but you didn't make it worse.  That's actually quite an accomplishment.  Many partners of pwBPD don't get that far.  It was also nice that you were able to find something in his actions that showed you he cared.  That's great for both of you!  Again, that can be hard, so it was really nice to see.  Great work as well taking care of yourself and seeing your T and getting meds to the place you want them to be.

How are things going this week?  Is it relatively calm?  What's the next challenge or thing you want to work on?

WW

[Catlady3.14]

Well therapy didn't go... Ugh it was raining so hard I couldn't see to drive, I left at the normal time but I was late getting there.
The therapist wouldn't see me at all. I asked to speak with her for just a moment and she said no.
She wouldn't speak to me until I completed the evaluation which takes a full hour, no less.
I asked to see another T but they said I have to set up an appointment with her to get a referral.
I know and accept that I was late and that is my fault. But I feel like it was really unprofessional and kinda rude to not even speak to me.
There was 45/50 minutes left in my hour. And I was clearly in need of help and wanted a bit of support.
They said they'd try to get me in earlier but I will probably have to wait another month to tell her I don't want to see her again!

I was balling when I left. It is difficult enough to have the car and money to get there and then basically discarded for another month, well two. At least.
I wasn't too pleased with her the first visit. She kept interrupting me and I would have to say hold on I'm getting to that. Then she told me she has experience with a man with BPD.
He made her miserable and he is making his new wife just as miserable. So I felt like that would push her to tell me run or end my relationship. I was going to address it but her not even being willing to say, hey how are you? And explain ing why she couldn't see me herself. Idk.
Am I overreacting? I don't feel like I'll be able to get help from her.
I need to be in therapy and have that outlet.
Desperately! So many things are happening with me.


It has been relatively calm at home with husband.
 He continues to pick and try to start fights.it's wearing, but him working and us having time apart is helpful.
 I basically ignore all of his attempts to put me down. I hear him say nothing he does is good enough and I don't appreciate him. Even though I thank him for every little thing and tell Him I know he is working hard and he's exhausted. It's never enough.
And mean while I'm cooking, cleaning, taking care of baby, other kids too and dealing with my health. I get none of that.
I tell myself over and over that I can't depend on him for that and I can't expect anything. If something good happens like a hug or dinner. I try really hard to make that enough.
Sometimes it really just isn't enough though! And I have to walk away before I spew over.

Medication was doubled today. For the last two days I have had an extreme headache and when I bend down I feel like the top of my head is going to pop off!
And throbs all day long.
I feel like it has helped with nerve pain cutting it from a 10 to a 5.  I think it helps to keep me calm. I just don't know if it is All I need.

Now to the last big thing I'm dealing with.
My family and I have had very little contact in 3 years.
My mom freaked out and threatened us and it was a devastating thing. I cut her off and then every member after. Because she keep trying to get them to side with her. and continuously spread lies.
Well, my kids want contact. Most of my family I admit had nothing to do with this. But we're being used as pawns.
We have had some contact through letters and phone. Not with my mom! I have told them that we are not ready for her just yet.
Son started a facebook... .It opened the door. And he doesn't want me to read his messages. I told him I wouldnt. It's really hard not too though. I want to protect them but if I break his trust. He'll cut me off and be deceitful. I know this because my mother when through all of my things and was always that way and I reacted by hiding everythimg! I never kept letters or anything that might prove to be an embarrassment or personal to me. This caused problems in my future relationships.
I know I am over protective and want to control it so they don't get hurt but I have to let my kids be themselves at the same time!
What would you all do?

[Radcliff]

I'm sorry to hear about the therapy appointment!  It must have been so upsetting to get there through all that rain, after having gotten the car, only to be turned away.  5 minutes late certainly doesn't sound like much, and I probably would have felt the same way as you.  It sounds like she was boundary setting, communicating through actions rather than words.  That can be a healthy way to act (though I'm not judging the particulars, that's your call).  You can also communicate through action and the choices you make.  It sounds like you have a few bits of info telling you that she may not be the one for you.  In a tough situation like yours, it can be difficult to find the right therapist.  There's a broad range of what you might encounter in their attitudes:

"Leave now!"
"Get strong and leave."
"Get strong and make your choices."
"Get strong and give the relationship a really good go, but not blindly forever."
"Own 'your' half of it."
"You must be inviting this abuse, if you can fix yourself, it will all be better."

Those two extremes can be dangerous.  You need someone who can meet you where you are.  That's important, and you deserve to have that.  :)o you need to meet with her to get a referral to another therapist?  Is that why you say you're two months away from getting help?  Is this a subsidized therapy service that's only available once per month?  One way to look at this to make the wait perhaps seem less consequential is that once a month therapy is not going to be nearly as impactful as once a week.  You're going to need to build your strength in other ways, sadly, so waiting two months for that little bit of help won't likely have a huge impact for you.  Are there any options available to you for once per week therapy?

I'm sorry to hear that you are not getting what you need from your husband.  That imbalance can be very discouraging.  It's good that you're able to get breaks, that you can acknowledge the positive, and that you can walk away before spewing over.

Adjusting meds sounds so difficult!  Keep us posted on how it is going!  I hope that things settle into a better place for you.

That's great that you are looking at ways to reconnect with the healthy parts of your FOO in response to your children's (and maybe your) needs.  It sounds like it will take some work to untangle the healthy from the unhealthy.  Have you heard about the Karpman Drama Triangle?  :)o you think it has applied to the interactions with your mother and other family members?  Keep going with us here, but you may also find some good support if you post about your mother in the "Parent, Sibling, and Inlaws" board.

WW

[Catlady3.14]

Yes they told me I have to meet with her to get a referral. App that's going to be awkward. It is through state medicaid. So if I'm not throwing myself on a blade I don't get more than once a month sessions. Idk  maybe another therapist would squeeze me in more. She said she was too booked up, when I asked to see her sooner.(the first visit)
I'm trying to stay as active as I can. And also cause the least amount of damage with husband.
It helps me so much to talk things out on here. And to read but one on one with someone could really help me. I wish it was different. I'm not giving up even if it takes that long.

Things are working well with him working more. Hee gets a break from all of us and we get the break from him.
He seems in a much better mood. He has been working outside, doing construction type work. So he is very exhausted but it calms him down.

Medicine seems better today. I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster though.

I am not sure I understand the dynamic of the karpman  drama triangle. I need to read a bit more about it to see if it would fit into the problems with my family.
Maybe it would help to post the story in the family board?

[Radcliff]

I am glad to hear that your husband is in a better mood and the medicine is better!

You mentioning that he is tired reminded me of a couple of things.  We've raised a couple of dogs, and there's a saying, "A tired puppy is a good puppy."  I think it applies as well to children, and apparently, to husbands   A while back, I was very stressed about something.  My wife asked me to move a tree.  I said, "What?"  She said, "They planted that tree too high, dig a deeper hole for it and replant it."  The tree had been there for like a year.  I said, "Seriously?"  She said, "Yep."  Well, I grumbled, got the shovel, and started digging.  It was a lot of muddy, physical work.  Afterward, I said, "You know, I feel much better."  She said, "I figured you just needed to play in the dirt for a while."

I imagine the work is making him feel a lot better about himself?  Are you giving him words of affirmation?  I know with "non" guys that works wonders (me at least  ).  My wife is a little touchy about words of affirmation.  She doesn't believe I am sincere (I am!).  How does your husband respond to praise?

Yes! Post on the family board.  Great idea.  Definitely read about the triangle.  It's really good to know, and once you understand it, you'll start to recognize when folks are doing it.  One person is the victim, one the persecutor, and one the rescuer.  It is so easy to get drawn into.  Once you identify that you are in one of the roles, you try to act less like that role, and "move to the center."  For example, I have a family member who I talk to about the situation with my wife, and he is exceptionally good at staying in the center.  He does not get drawn into rescuing me or her, and casting her or me as the persecutor.  He listens and validates each of our feelings, but doesn't become the rescuing agent for a victim.  Have you ever had a friend or relative say something to you about what someone was doing that upset them, and then you went and talked to the person to help?  If so, then you jumped into the rescuer position.  Better to validate feelings and encourage the two people to work it out together.  Roles can constantly shift.  You could be the rescuer, then the persecutor feels like a victim and casts you as the persecutor.  What fun!  When you see the pattern happening for the first time in real life, a light bulb is going to go off in your head!  You'll say, "That Wentworth guy, he's not as dumb as I thought he was, this could be useful." 

WW

[Catlady3.14]

Wow. I had a panic attack last night. I don't know if it was from the medicine or what. There was no drama. Went to Wal-Mart to shop. Checked my blood pressure. It was 130/94 a bit high. Then th ings kept getting worse and worse. Brushed my teeth to go to bed. The n I got dizzy and couldn't breath. So nauseous I threw up and diarrhea. Came out and sat down. Tried to breathe. Had to go the bathroom again. Get in there and my hands and arms drew up. I couldn't feel them or move them. They were locked up.
This stopped and started back up for 2 hours til the Dr have me something. I was so relieved I don't even know what they gave me.

Oh yes, I thank him and try to "baby" him as much as possible.
Sounds like she knew just what you needed to get your mind off things.
Husband sometime accepts praise and other times gets angry at it. Depends on his mood. But he has been working so hard I don't think he has it in him to fight about anything right now.

I read the link you attached for the drama triangle. I just don't know if I was in a good spot to absorb the info. I'm going to re-read it and read through the thread as well.

I think the world of you wentworth. Your wisdom and kindness have been a blessing! Thank you.

[Radcliff]

Thank you, you are welcome!  I'm sorry to hear about the panic attack.  They are so upsetting.  There's a smartphone app that has helped me.  It was developed for veterans and others with PTSD.  The name of the app is "iChill."  I believe it is free to download.  It implements the Community Resiliency Model, a method taught to help handle symptoms of PTSD.  One technique, "grounding" sounds strange, but I've found it to be helpful.  Another thing that helps is breathing exercises.  Breath in very slowly through your nose, hold for a few seconds, and breath out slowly through your mouth.  You may need a handful of techniques if things are really rough.

WW

[Harri]

Hi Catlady.  It has been a while since I posted to you but I have been watching your progress and I am very pleased for you.  I am very sorry to hear about the snafu with the counseling visit though.   I hope you can get in soon.

Have you had another panic attack since you last posted?  Have you been able to find any good ways for you to try to handle your panic attacks should they happen again?

I mostly wanted to pop in and say hello and let you know I am still listening.  I read where you talked about posting on the family board.  No pressure, but that is where I usually hang out.  We have a couple of posters there who know the Karpman Triangle inside and out.  Again, no pressure, but when you feel ready we can all listen and support you there as well.

Keep up with the good work.

[Catlady3.14]

Thank you Harri.

It has been relatively calm. I haven't made things worse and things haven't escalated too much. Though they haven't been good either.
Yesterday a married male friend of ours came by. Hee has two small children, and is a stay at home dad. Same age as my little one. My husband was asleep, I woke him up telling him the guy was here. He didn't want to get up but told me to speak to him about something for husband.
I did. Then our kids played for about an hour and a half.
When husband woke up I was accused of wearing slutty clothes. And hanging out with a POS and told "it isn't a conversation and if I catch any attitude he'll leave for 2/3 weeks"
He sent most of this in a text. And he left the house for about 5 hours.
Honestly, I didn't know how to respond without jading and so I acted as if I never got the message and went about my day.
He never addressed it and so the day went on. He acted normal.
His big thing is that he is second choice and everyone in his life has always picked someone over him.
Therefore he wants me to have NO one except him. Reading through the validation workshop I realize how codependent I have been in this relationship. Saying things like "what can I do to prove my love."... Then doing what ever bizarre thing was asked and it was not enough. I have fed my soul to him and it hasn't fulfilled anything. I want myself back.
I chosoe to go to his sister's college graduation. he told me I'm a traitor because his sister once called him (literal words) a "piece of crap". So I should denounce her and never have any contact.
This is the only thing I have ever known her to do or say to him. It was during a fight with his mom and she said "don't talk to my mom like that you piece of crap!
 She's a good girl. And has been a positive influence and a friend to me and my kids.
Also he was Enraged I didn't bring him dinner home from her graduation dinner. Her dad,NoT his, paid for everything. So apparently I was suppose to ask him to spend another 15 on someone who wouldn't come to celebrate with his daughter. ? Baffling.
He has locked me out of his phone. Which I used for calling doctors and such. I never went through his stuff. though I'm accused of it. But he goes through mine. Then he brings it up things he reads in manner of insult. Silly things, as there's nothing I have to hid. Except this board! This is therapy for me and confidential. He needs no part of it. My opinion  but my phone is locked now and I keep it out of his reach, for fear he'll brake it when upset.

He told me he cheated then withdrew the confession saying he thinks he was hallucinating. admitted something must be really bad wrong with him like maybe he is schizophrenic. He doesn't let me speak about this at all and goes to his buddies house where he may or may not of cheated. It is eating me alive. But I will never know. And I can not control him.
 Good Lord this is just the tip of the ice burg.

Thank you guys for the encouragement. And letting me vent a bit.

I don't know what else to do for therapy. Just a waiting game.

I haven't had any more panic attacks thankfully.
I started taking the cymbalta at night, which has helped with side effects. I sleep through most of it. I woke up at 538 am this morning( not typical for me). I've been sleeping maybe 12/14 hours a day on this medicine. I don't feel bogged down today though and that feels wonderful. I'm really hopeful about it!
I just want a normal!
Dealing with PMDD I am waiting to see how the antidepressant will help or hurt my cycle. I feel better and better though. Fingers crossed!

Husband is supposed to work today so I will have a chance to post my family issues and would love feed back. It's a long story. I'm not even sure where to begin.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Cat!

I'm glad you posted.  I've been thinking about dropping you a post as I was wondering how you're getting on and you beat me to it.  Some real positives I can see in your post is your getting some rest and beginning to feel better and optimistic about the meds.  Also your response to the text and his walking out was wonderful and seemed to work by letting things blow over.  He had to take responsibility for himself when you didn't try to soothe him.  You also didn't let it spoil your entire day and that's great to hear.  How would you normally have reacted? 

You've also stood your ground and gone to an event he disapproved of, keeping up your contact with people of importance to you, which is excellent.     The thing to remember is that you're the emotionally healthy person in the r/s, and don't need to validate the invalid, like his demands that you cut off contact with people for no reason.  Sounds like you're doing really well.  Do fill us in on anything else you need to work through and I'll look forward to hearing your updates. 

Love and light x

[Harri]

That is quite the update Catlady!  It sounds like you have taken charge of the things you can and as Harley Quinn said, it is great that you are making sure you have contact with outside people and that you are sticking to your boundaries.  Yes, therapy is for you and he need not have a part in it. 

The fact that you are able to see how your co-dependent behaviors did not help is also wonderful. 
You wrote:  "I want myself back."  You are getting there!

[Catlady3.14]

Hi all. Well I posted the " story of my mental break " on the family board.It is a long read. It feels good to tell someone. Because as I went through it all I lost all those I could trust and confide in.

I have taken charge of me as much as possible. I'm not there yet but I think I'm much better off day by day.
I have real boundary issues with husband. And it's hard to take so much back. But no one's in control of me but me.

Every time I get to read Workshops and books ... .something smacks me dead in the face, like hey you did exactly that haha and you keep repeating the same dang cycle over and over. Like a dunce.
I'm baby stepping. I'm not a slacker

Thank you all so much!

[Harley Quinn]

Go easy on yourself Cat.  Think of it like turning a large ship at sea.  It takes time and if it were a piece of cake there wouldn't be so many of us here on this site 

Thanks for letting us know about your other thread.  I'll check in on you. 

Hoping you're having progress, gradual and steady.   

Love and light x