Different this time.. discarded again

[Zemmma]

So I was away from here for 10 months because SuperX came back to grace my presence again, but GUESS WHAT? You'll never... .yup he dumped me again! I think that might be break up number 16 but I admit I've lost count.

He did a slow fade this time, cutting me out over a period of time. Actually tried to get me to break up, and was mad I "was so unhappy (uh, I wasn't) but wouldn't end it" making HIM do it again. Afraid that would make it his fault. He told me, "I'm not allowed to break up with you anymore." What?

The slow fade had me cut down to almost nothing. Maybe one to two visits a week. Over that year we had great times with his friends but the next day I would hear that I said something that wounded him, or I flirted or did something wrong. Even when the night was full of laughter and fun from start to end. I discovered that he was not comfortable sharing his friends with me (because I don't have a similar friend group to share with him- and everything has to be EVEN STEVEN), that he felt he couldn't be himself around me, that HE was walking on eggshells (uh... .?), that he was feeling like a shell with me. And that I was a shell with him. I think some of this related to his alcoholism, and drug use. I think I put a damper on that.

Told me in the end that he was trying to fake being okay all of the time but wasn't being himself. Said he hasn't been happy with me for years (ya, but I thought he was NEVER HAPPY). Said he couldn't tell me how he really felt- when he did it was just all doomsday. How he didn't see a future for us, etc. He was also not having fun anymore. This was probably because I tried to stop living his vampire lifestyle. He basically slept all day, started work at 2 or 3 in the afternoon and then we'd meet at around 10 pm, have dinner, and if he had his way we would be up until dawn. It was exhausting. Towards the end I would go home instead of spending the night at his because I didn't want to be out past 2 a.m. when he was falling down drunk, and I didn't want to be there in morning because I would be stuck at his apartment until afternoon as he slept.

One of the worst things for me is that he would make me leave parties or party nights alone. He would go out with me, but if I wanted to go home at 2 or 3, he wouldn't come home with me. Even if we planned to spend the night together. Even if we came to an event or party together. Even if it was our only night together that week. He told me, "I will ALWAYS close down a party. If you don't know that by now you aren't with the right person." He thought it was normal for couples to leave separately. He didn't want to stop -COULDN'T STOP- drinking (and drugs) once he started. This didn't sit right with me at all. We aren't 20. We are in our mid 40's. For F sake. He was giving me none of his time at this point. I was never first anymore. The bottle and anyone who would share it with him came first. This is a man that goes out about 4 times per week at minimum. I just wanted him to make me first, at least once a week.

I had needs. Unmet. So I made a big deal of that and that was it. He lost interest. He didn't want to be "dull and docile." He wanted to be "fun and free." I was getting in the way and changing for me just "wasn't worth it."

So he yelled at me one day and didn't even tell me it was over. He broke up by just stopping contact. I had to ask him by text if we were still together and he said, "Of course we are broken up." When he yelled that morning he apparently said, "Leave me," and "leave me alone." I don't really remember that conversation because he was yelling in a fit of rage and I have sort of blanked it out. I thought it was a fight. It was a breakup...

I didn't expect the break up, but I should have. He was telling me all year that he was not happy. But I'm so used to hearing that. He could never get over the fact that I would never live with him- but how could I ever? I have two kids in their teens. There is no way I am bringing a man into this house who smokes inside and is a messy alcoholic and stays up (wandering about) all night, and sleeps half the day, and is so emotionally dysregulated. I would never do that to my kids and not to myself either. And he hasn't two dimes to rub together, hasn't paid income tax for decades and has debt collectors hunting him down constantly. No way would I enter a financial relationship with him. I am not even over the financial damage of my divorce. I don't want to support another man.

So here we are, a couple weeks later. The thing is, I feel very differently this time. I am not falling to my knees. I have waves of sadness and some tears because I loved him, but now I am wondering why I am not devastated like all the breakups prior. Is it possible that I have fallen out of love with him? Or am I numb from this? Is it a weird coping mechanism? Have I grown apart from him?

What I do know is that I am EXHAUSTED. Physically exhausted. I have went to bed a couple of times this week for 14 hours. His lifestyle was tiring. His demands were tiring. His constant emotional turmoil.

I read back all of our old texts and realize how mean and disrespectful he was and how DISTORTED his thought processes were. He did the craziest things. His brother came to the city and SuperX went to great lengths to make sure the two of us were never alone together. Like I would sleep with his brother? He yelled in our faces one night- the first time we ever met -years ago. He thought we were making moves on each other in front of him at a bar? Whaaaaa... .? That was probably 5 or 6 years ago. But during this new visit he was more contained, and yet, all of those feelings remain within him. He appeared to have gotten a little better, but he has only gotten better at hiding those irrational beliefs. That is just one example.

I wonder if I am just blocking out the pain. I know I am fighting it because I can cry on a dime. But overall I feel pretty... neutral and matter of fact about it all. If anything I have fear that those desperate break up feelings will come back. I had a devastating divorce and then all of his emotional torture. Could it be though, that I am just  suffering a normal break up this time? That my trauma of past break-ups has been resolved?

This time I just know it is the right thing to let him go. I KNOW it is the right choice. I don't think it is wise to be caught in this ___ty groundhog day. The pain of being left by someone you are that physically and emotionally close to is excruciating. I don't want him to keep doing this to me.

Even after he left he sent me four songs on YouTube. Just Monday. With no real explanation other than "we will never have this" related to a song about 'home.' He sent one angry song (Killing in the Name, Rage Against the Machine), one cry for help (Wolf at the Door, Radiohead), and two love songs. Good songs for sure. I did not respond.

He is slowly coming down to earth. He is not a God, just a regular person. I have to stop elevating him. I hope someday I can fall in love and feel that kind of passion again. Sexually, I can't imagine EVER finding something so perfect. That is probably the big reason we both hung on so long. That and the intense emotional attachment... but even that part faded for me once he started to disengage.

The rest though, I can finally say, makes it all no longer worth it. I can't do this anymore.

I am still in the mess of this but I really want to recover. Maybe I will just continue to sleep it off. I'm sure the emotion will hit me, especially if he finds someone else. But I may never know. Our paths may actually never cross again. Sad and over.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Zemmma,

Welcome back.  I'm sorry you ended up here again but am glad you have posted an update for us.  It's sad that things didn't work out this time, and also positive that you recognise the pattern and wish to break it now.  Perhaps you needed this last recycle to get you to that point of having had enough.  How long has your longest breakup been in the past and who made the move to re engage?  What can you do differently this time?

Love and light x

[Zemmma]

Hi Harley Quinn,
You were always one of my favourite enlightened posters on here.

The longest break up was a year. We've also done six months. Those were the big ones. After a while he always comes around. But it doesn't take much and then I'm in, even pursuing.

This man is my sexual soul mate (if that were a thing). Its a crying shame to lose that sacred thing we have! Any time I've tried to be with anyone else during our breaks, it triggers me big time and I rush back to him. So maybe I have to give up sex and love.

So how do I avoid going down this road again? Well, each time he is more and more ashamed so he lets me into his life less and less. He may be too ashamed to come back. He just wants us  alone. He thinks we fight too much when others are involved so we no longer involve our kids or family (very much), and only some friends socially. But if we do I hear about all the things I do wrong.

Really he just wants a 'lover.' Because he says we don't work. He wants more in theory (marriage, co-habitation), but not with me because we have tried as a couple and it doesn't work (and he knows I will not marry or co-habitate with him). We don't actually fight in front of others. He just says he is uncomfortable (uh, jealous) when I am around others. He can't be himself. He always has issues with something. All of this just to say that if he comes back it will be with an invitation for sex only. Well, sex, food, movies, massage, alone time.

But I don't know how to do that outside of a loving relationship. So I guess I have to ignore him. Right now I can do it. What happens in three months when I crave that more and either have had a) none or b) disappointing encounters with other men?

It's a real problem.

If I want stop this I have to do it. I know that.

He may not come back. Maybe he will find someone else. Maybe he already has. But that could go belly up and then he might be back. I really don't know this time. But history would tell me that I haven't heard the last of him.

Now I am just doing day by day. Just trying to be okay.

There is so much hurt in this for me now. He was really awful and he thinks I am a bad person. I honestly feel that I deserve better treatment than this.

Everything else in my life is very positive. Could be just perfect. I just got admitted to a doctoral program starting in the fall, my kids are doing well, I have an amazing house that I am fixing up, great friends, a good relationship with my mother, a good income and a growing business. And without him I can take care of myself, eat better, sleep more, drink less. So I am trying to focus on all of that. I have everything but love.

Maybe I just do without that and hope that some day I can have a relationship with someone who actually respects me and can love me consistently. Someone with similar values. Without alcoholism and distorted thoughts and dark periods.

What can I do differently? I am trying to decide that I am no longer in love with him. I am trying to reach indifference. I am trying to think of him as any other normal person, not the King of Everything. I am trying to choose to never want to be with him again. Somedays its a hard sell. Other days I see a bright future for me. Getting this darkness out of my life might be the best gift I could give to my future self. I could really be fully happy!

I forgot how much it hurts to be dumped. It is really one of the worst feelings ever!

[Harley Quinn]

I know it hurts and it is truly awful to go through this again for you.  I'm wondering if it hurts as much, more or less than the other times this has happened?  If it is different, what if anything does that tell you?

I am trying to decide that I am no longer in love with him. I am trying to reach indifference. I am trying to think of him as any other normal person, not the King of Everything. I am trying to choose to never want to be with him again.

It's OK to still love him, even though you know that the r/s is unhealthy.  Allow yourself to feel however you do rather than try to fight it.  Remember, what we resist persists.  Zemmma, would you say that you were happy and felt loved whilst you were with him this time around?  He was telling you that he wasn't happy in the r/s.  Sometimes, as sad as it is, two people are just on different pages and I can't imagine it feels great to be with someone who is unhappy being with you.   

At the same time, I can really empathise with you on the sex aspect.  That's a tough connection to let go of and can be scary to imagine being without in a permanent way.  I do believe it can be found again and even bettered with a partner who is able to have a sustainable healthy r/s.  I'd advise you now to give to and receive from yourself the love that you need.  Mutual reciprocal love does exist out there, which tells me there is hope for all of us.  We need to align ourselves with that.

If you're up to it and want to redirect your thoughts from rumination, maybe you could visualise what 'a' good r/s would look like for you.  What is important to you in a r/s?  Food for thought.

You know the drill with how this goes now.  Take really good care of yourself and connect with those who truly love you.  We're here for you as much as you need to talk it out.  It sounds like you have gratitude for many things in your life, which is great.  Enjoy those things and hang in there when the tough moments arrive.

Love and light x   

[Cromwell]

One door closes, a thousand open.

If he had not dumped you, perhaps (as you say how exhausted you have been as a result) you would have eventually had to have done the converse and dumped him, for your own sanity and survival.

at least that was the position I was in, I didnt fall out of love and went NC to dump my ex, I stayed until I literally couldnt handle it anymore.

It has been a blessing in disguise, I got my strength back, I started to as time went on realise that I had idolised her in my own way too. I notice how you refer to him as being a "God", I wonder how much of this has been either cultivated by him by his behaviour, or done by yourself to maybe be submissive partner in the r/s. Certainly it doesnt like the phraseology used in an equality based r/s to me.

The sex and infactuation can be a big pull, it was for me, after time apart a realised that not only was I not missing out on as much as I used to think I had, I could have better, yet when you commit heart and soul to someone my eyes at least never felt the need to wander elsewhere.

With all his negative points (financial dead beat, alocholic, drug user) he had to have some sort of USP (universal selling point) and that is likely what he used, along with a bit of what comes across as manipulation. I had the same party life with mines, except for the fact I had to then with hardly any sleep go and work during the day, whilst she slept. I laughed when you said vampire lifestyle, the alcohol and drug use will have been a big factor in all this.

It just sounds to me like he is wanting a hedonistic lifestyle, fair play to him, just that in the midst of it your needs arent being met and I applaud your choice to do something about it. Good luck.

[Zemmma]

Oh ya. He had selling points. He listened, asked questions about me, showed interest in every aspect of my life. He was intelligent, highly skilled (he had a doctoral degree and profession in the performance arts). He had managed to schedule his work life around a nightlife (his day typically started at 2 pm and could run until 3, 4, 5, 6, or 7 a.m. He loved the night and he loved to party. And with no money, that often meant beer at a friends house. He could hardly afford to take me out for dinner and didn't want me to take him out because then he might owe me. He never wanted to vacation because he had no money and because he thought we wouldn't get along. He feared our disagreements. He often cancelled on me if he anticipated conflict.

He was incredibly attentive when we were alone. An amazing cook. He'd massage my back for hours on end. And the sex life was literally perfect. Mind blowing and passionate as I could ever imagine. We both agree on that. It was perfect when he wasn't suffering from doubt and anxiety, or wasn't feeling trapped and wasn't drinking. He said it was the sex life he had hoped for all his life, and I didn't even have the repertoire to have imagined it could ever be that great. So yes. Horrible to lose. The worst part. Probably with him being unhappy for so long, it was the only thing keeping him. So sad. Because it was enough to keep me in and dealing with all of the negative parts of him and the things that I was lacking in that relationship.

It isn't that he doesn't love me. He just hated our situation. With his emotional dysregulation and jealousy and lack of object permanence, it was just very difficult for him to live apart. And with kids, and my views on cohabitation and remarriage, and the way we disagreed about how to live, we knew we could never live together. It wasn't the life he had envisioned for himself. He wants a wife again, in an ideal world. He wants to pool money so he can get a better place for him and his daughter who he has about 30% of the time. He didn't see a future for us. And he said he didn't like the way we interacted. Said we fought too much. I guess we did. Mostly on text between visits, and not in person. He is negatively focused and super sensitive so one small argument or bad moment can ruin his perception of an entire weekend that was otherwise fun and wonderful. He always focused on the bad. He was extreme. And he was always saying things that felt like an attack: I was always defending myself when we were apart. Text killed our relationship I think. He just read me on there as evil.

So all of the selling points but what I have to realize is what Harley Quinn said. Sometimes there can be great love at the same time as great incompatibility. We didn't want the same things. And with him prone to depression he just couldn't live against those values. And I couldn't compromise on mine. Sadly, even with all of that love I didn't trust him in my home. I changed the passcode on my phone every time I went to see him. I wouldn't let him use my laptop to watch movies because I knew that if I left him for 5 minutes he would be rummaging through anything and everything to try to find dirt on me to prove his theory that I am bad or unfaithful. I could never leave him alone at my house and never gave him a key. I know that is messed up. There was no trust. He taught me over and over again that I couldn't trust him.

So he wasn't happy. I guess he really wasn't. I guess he feels he can create something more suitable and desirable for himself or he wouldn't have left. He didn't tell me if it was happening this time, but when he gets unsettled about me he starts to get lasting physical pain in his chest. I trigger him in the worst ways. I guess I am the problem, whether I deserve it or not.

Yes, I feel good sometimes thinking about the kind of r/s I can have without him. I feel good sometimes realizing I won't have to feel the cycles of negativity and be pulled into his darkness anymore. I recognize that I have become ashamed of him and our r/s with certain people. So I am relieved to tell them he is gone. (They know how many times he has dumped me, and he has not done it for the most part in mature or kind ways. They also have so many examples of the weird and horrible things he has put me through during our r/s but also during the break up periods.

I have so much to draw on when I want to toss him aside forever. He has been just horrible and very delusional. His thoughts and ideas are so distorted, so distant from mine. What can I say, he was as bad as he was good. This is the great dilemma for me. He is the best of people, he is the worst of people. He is so kind and protective of everyone except me (except when he is). He does cast me as the enemy all too often.

I should not have to analyze it 1000x. It should be enough that he doesn't want to be with me. He left me and I have to accept it. But I heard myself under my breath today saying, "He'll be back... .100%... you have not heard the last of him."

Thanks so much to both of your for your support. I miss my ex but I won't be contacting him. I am in no danger of that right now.

Its a really tough situation.

[Cromwell]

That was really interesting, insightful and so much I can relate to that helps make a bit more sense of stuff I went through. Particularly when you mention the lack of trust of him going through your private stuff to search for things to validate you as a bad person.

It is such a sad thing that there is a feeling of "if only could overcome x,y,z it would be a dream relationship", yet alas, these factors overcome them as we may, just seem to be so ingrained as part of our partners personality. I know thats what kept me trying and yes I got the benefit of all the things you mentioned, but they also came at a cost that eventually I couldnt live with anymore and had to reclaim my own sense of self and realise that I want something more out of life. Yes my ex was amazing but she was also heart wrenchingly hurtful, Id like more of the "amazing" and less of the hurtful next time, and im not going to ever get that by sticking around and expecting her to change.

You are really brave to walk away when there was so much that you appreciated and adored about the r/s. I know exactly how conflictual it is to feel inside to be able to do that. I know you write this in a way that suggests you are the one discarded, remember that its not so much the person that does the discard that you should suffer some loss of ego about, it will have been in the big picture, a result of many dynamics of dissastisfaction from your side as much as his. It is not that you were found by this "God" to be unworthy of him, it is because you didnt "go along to get a long".

Interesting you say about him coming back, this feeling that this might just be a spell of silent treatment or punishment, or space. You will know deep inside better than anyone else. I know that despite all that ive been through, my BPDx regards me as someone that will always be there for her, perpetually. Despite all that had happened, I could years down the line message her on FB and meet for coffee, and there wouldnt be even a discussion of the years apart inbetween. I think its this inability on both sides to verbalise or bring to the table the things that really should have been talked about as adults, they were always just avoided and side swept away, but then it would lead to a "discard" instead, and not talking at all for an extended period of time (the punishment) only to reconcile without any mention of what just happened, yet underlying knowing exactly why.

Ive just recently decided I want out of all of that, trust is the biggest thing missing and I recognise the lack of trust as a theme in your posts. for me there is no love without both trust and respect. I cant enjoy being with someone if I have to security lock down the house I share with them. I freely gave my ex the passwords to all my stuff, mobile, bank cards, everything I shared to show her that I trusted her, she laughed when I did and told me she already knew them (since very early on in the r/s!).

Sorry I will write more later, I have to go. Its been a very interesting topic for me thank you for sharing and Good Luck in the meantime.

[Zemmma]

God maybe it was writing here. But I feel sick about all of this today. Sick as in I want to run to him to take the pain away. It's so painful and so frustrating.

Overall I am not as panicked this time around. But damn. I hate how it lingers on and on. I went a full year once, even dated someone else for 9 months and I could NOT get over this guy.

I am NOT brave Cromwell. I didn't leave. I have done nothing but resist his attempts to leave for six years. My friend once said, "He is trying so hard to leave you, just let him go!"

I hate this feeling. I want a sure-fire way of getting over him and the sooner the better. I don't want to spend another full year yo-yo'ing in and out of pain.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Zemmma,

Just wondering how you're doing today?

Love and light x

[Zemmma]

Harley Quinn- thanks for asking! I am better. Going ina straight line. I actually think he is gone this time and for the first time ever I am accepting it. It’s a good thing. There was nothing left to do. He told me he hasn’t been happy for years. I just assumed he was and will never be happy. But maybe I am wrong. Our situation made it difficult and was one he didn’t want for himself. He tried fighting it for a long time but love was not enough. He is a jealous, dark man so it is hard for hi to compromise from his ideals. So I release him and he will either find it or he won’t but he can not continue to drag me down. When he found me I was in a dark place but I don’t live there anymore. I am choosing health and happiness and he never fit into that plan.

I think I will be okay.

[Harley Quinn]

Zemmma,

I was really happy to read your post.  It made me smile.  I see real movement there for you, which is wonderful. 

I am better. Going ina straight line. I actually think he is gone this time and for the first time ever I am accepting it... . 

... .When he found me I was in a dark place but I don’t live there anymore. I am choosing health and happiness and he never fit into that plan.

I think I will be okay.

So pleased to hear you choosing your own happiness and wellbeing as a priority.  Good habits now will solidify that for you.  What are you doing to care for yourself and give to yourself the love you have been giving to him?  What can you build upon?

Love and light x