Painting black vs. Detaching

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi good people,

I was thinking about this one today: the difference between painting someone black and detaching.

As Wentworth pointed out on one of my earlier threads, I'm definitely expressing a bit of resentment towards my STBXwife. I'm trying to keep that in check, but I've been more in the anger stage of grief than anything else lately. It's not overwhelming, but (at least at the moment), I can feel myself let down enough by my ex that I'm less overcome by sadness for what was and I'm having less positive memories. It's not like I'm just having bad memories, but my memories just seem to be pretty neutral like "oh, yeah that happened" and they seem to carry less weight or less longing.

I feel like I'm starting to see her more for who she is or at least I'm no longer able to ignore how much she struggles. I can see the manipulation, whether it is intentional or not. I can see the need to be in control, whether it is out of fear or out of something more sinister. I can hear the lies, whether they were for self-protection or part of some control game she was playing. Ultimately, the rationales behind the manipulation, control, and lies are starting to mean less to me. It's their impact that I'm finally sitting with, and the more I sit with their impact the more I can feel myself detaching.

In other words, I feel myself firmly saying "this is not ok for me" and I've been better able to say that while still having some minimal sadness for what I've lost. It's been a layered, complex process and I know it's not over yet. I've said this many times, but tomorrow may be different and that's ok, too.

To me, that feels really different than painting someone black. I think when I was first getting angry I was very scared that I was painting her black, in much the same way she did to me. I was afraid that my anger meant that I no longer saw her as a whole person or saw our relationship as some dynamic thing.

Did anyone else come up against this fear when they started to get angry? How do you explain the difference between painting someone black and detaching? They might look similar in outcome, since a person who is painted black might be ignored or given the silent treatment, much similar to how a person who is detaching may go no contact.

[lighthouse9]

Hi good people,

I was thinking about this one today: the difference between painting someone black and detaching.

As Wentworth pointed out on one of my earlier threads, I'm definitely expressing a bit of resentment towards my STBXwife. I'm trying to keep that in check, but I've been more in the anger stage of grief than anything else lately. It's not overwhelming, but (at least at the moment), I can feel myself let down enough by my ex that I'm less overcome by sadness for what was and I'm having less positive memories. It's not like I'm just having bad memories, but my memories just seem to be pretty neutral like "oh, yeah that happened" and they seem to carry less weight or less longing.

I feel like I'm starting to see her more for who she is or at least I'm no longer able to ignore how much she struggles. I can see the manipulation, whether it is intentional or not. I can see the need to be in control, whether it is out of fear or out of something more sinister. I can hear the lies, whether they were for self-protection or part of some control game she was playing. Ultimately, the rationales behind the manipulation, control, and lies are starting to mean less to me. It's their impact that I'm finally sitting with, and the more I sit with their impact the more I can feel myself detaching.

In other words, I feel myself firmly saying "this is not ok for me" and I've been better able to say that while still having some minimal sadness for what I've lost. It's been a layered, complex process and I know it's not over yet. I've said this many times, but tomorrow may be different and that's ok, too.

To me, that feels really different than painting someone black. I think when I was first getting angry I was very scared that I was painting her black, in much the same way she did to me. I was afraid that my anger meant that I no longer saw her as a whole person or saw our relationship as some dynamic thing.

Did anyone else come up against this fear when they started to get angry? How do you explain the difference between painting someone black and detaching? They might look similar in outcome, since a person who is painted black might be ignored or given the silent treatment, much similar to how a person who is detaching may go no contact.

[Cromwell]

hi lighthouse.

it never ceases to surprise me how I can read peoples accounts and relate so closely to them from my own.

Im going through exactly this as the moment, or should I say, I experienced it a few days ago, yet it was a precursor for a lot of anger today. It was easier when I painted her black because I was at least subconsciously doing so, it is worse now that I feel that everything I say is factual and validated or at the very least im just letting my emotions of anger out and listening to whatever they are saying.

I said a few days ago about "dampening down of feelings" including recollection of the hurtful times as well as the happy times, to the point f as you say just feeling contented by a feeling of "this is not ok for me" but im not particularly sad about it like I used to be.

Be wary that its not some sort of self protective or repressive way of protecting yourself from emotions that really want to be "exhumed"

at least what you are going through sounds very familiar to the precursor for what im going through now.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi lighthouse9, good question.

I wondered if I was splitting my ex partner black after the breakup and my initial drowning in tears.  All I could think of was the good at first and then gradually resentment and anger worked their way up to the surface.  I tore a lot of muscles working that off and must've lost a stone in weight. 

I'd say the key difference between splitting and detaching is that when a BPD sufferer splits someone black they only see bad.  Everything about that person is all bad.  They are bad.  In a healthy detachment we view words, deeds, impacts and feelings.  But no matter how mad we get (and justifiably so - this person hurt us deeply, quite possibly for a long time without us allowing ourselves to feel angry about that) we still acknowledge that the person isn't bad, or at least all of that person.  The behaviour, and how it impacted us, made us feel and what it meant about our value to our partner, that is what we view as bad.
 Therein lies your difference. 

You are able to see the whole picture and are allowing yourself at this time to let the emotions flow which have possibly been held at bay during the r/s and after it changed course.  Getting angry and feeling wounded, slighted and betrayed by the behaviour towards you is perfectly normal and healthy.  This is your self preservation kicking in.  Let it up and out.  By not pushing it down you will let it go and are unlikely to get stuck in it.  It's a natural part of the grief cycle, so try not to judge yourself on it or worry about it's presence.  You're doing just fine.   If yo're still mad in a few weeks, we'll nudge you towards letting that go.  

Love and light x