How do you "bring them back from the edge"? I need help from the old pros here.

[BasementDweller]

ROE - thank you for that explanation and the reassurance. I'm really sorry you had to endure all that. That sounds horrible, and I can't imagine how stressful that all had to be for you.

Thankfully, my partner doesn't destroy my belongings or harass me at work (he used to send hateful texts and emails, but he has stopped that). As childish as this sounds, I once "returned the favor" by blowing up his phone while he was on a business trip by sending him dozens of photos of us being happy, or the kids birthday parties, or the flower garden. Finally he responded with "What the hell is going on? I've seen all these! Are you trying to send these to your mother?"

I replied "No, I'm showing you what it feels like to get bombarded at work. But I'm too nice to send you hate mail. Still stressful and annoying, though huh?"

He never harassed me at work again. 

He indirectly affects my work by keeping me awake at night or making it difficult for me to manage the house by not helping at all. When he's happy, coming home from a stressful day at work is like an oasis. When he's dysregulated, showing up for stressful day at work is like an oasis. 

Yes, that's how I am staying sane too. Focusing on what I can do to have a positive effect. I can't control his mood swings, but I can continue to do well at work and look out for myself.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi BD, the phone tactic sounds a bit childish but also intensely gratifying. I have so many fantasies of returning the childish behavior in turn. And you put a positive spin on it. Good one!

When he's dysregulated, showing up for stressful day at work is like an oasis.  

Totally with you here. Add on to two little kids who almost always out of control. Work is an oasis. I don't look forward to weekends or vacations.

Incidentally I'll be starting a new job next month in which I'll return to a management role. This will certainly bring more stress and I'm concerned about how it will effect the home dynamic. My current job is not so high stress. But at the same time I do need to keep developing my career.  

~ROE

[BasementDweller]

Congrats on the new role! Don't let anyone bring you down! Understood that you'd be concerned that bigger responsibility at work might bring more stress at home. Have you prepared for how you might deal with that, or what you anticipate might happen?

I fully understand - one of the things that can happen trying to manage a high conflict relationship is that a lot of other things get neglected. And it becomes a vicious cycle because the things we often neglect - friends, work, social activities, etc... .bring relief and distraction from the stress we are so engulfed in.

Buy a suit of armor to wear to work. Scissors can't ruin that! 

I am really torn right now. It seems nobody can wait to start the rooftop fun, so they're going up there today after the office closes to have a couple of drinks. It's blessedly warm and sunny. I know I'll have fun, but I'm also torn, because I really want to leave early (I got here before 0700, and want to go at 1530). It's Friday, and I want to hang out in the backyard and grill some food and mess about in my garden. I don't know if he will be there, what kind of mood he will be in, or what. Historically I have loved getting home to see him on Fridays, and when the weather turns nice... .that's the life. We used to have so much fun! But now - it's both sad and a little scary. I don't know what I'll find at home right now. If he still hates me, or is missing me at all.

That would be a luxury problem, huh? "Hmmm... .rooftop deck or backyard grill?" Except with BPD in the mix, it's a whole lot less funny. 

[RolandOfEld]

Thanks, BD. I really hope you have an awesome time at the party and it won't be dampened too much by thoughts of him. I'm trying to be more mindful myself and find pockets of enjoyment throughout the day, like looking at the clouds or enjoying music or a meal. In these moments I try to let thoughts of the ugly past and possible future fall away and just live in that moment and experience it for all its worth. Find the value in the moment and detach it from everything else that's going on.

~ROE

[BasementDweller]

Thanks, ROE. It's good to know you have some coping strategies in place and sometimes even the "little things" can help a lot!

I still might go home and fire up the ol' briquettes instead. The temptation is strong.

"I try to let thoughts of the ugly past and possible future fall away and just live in that moment and experience it for all its worth. Find the value in the moment and detach it from everything else that's going on."

This is sage advice. I shouldn't let fear prevent me from exercising my grill master ninja skills! 

[Radcliff]

BD, how did the rooftop deck vs. backyard grill decision go?  How is the weather (literally and figuratively)?

WW

[BasementDweller]

Hi, WW!

Opted for the rooftop. I was a bit gun shy about going home. Had two light beers and some fresh air and laughs with colleagues. Now heading home, but the commute is a little over an hour.

The literal weather was great.

Figuratively, it remains to be seen. 

[Radcliff]

Glad you had fun!  Take your good mood home, and see where it goes.  Good luck.

WW