Stuck in the silence, not sure what this feeling is...

[ozmatoz]

Thank you everyone for sticking with me while I process through what the heck went on in my life.

Right now were in the midst of the divorce discussions and she's finally closed up and stopped "attacking".  One would think this is good but I'm feeling a bit lost and looking to see if anyone can assist me in working through this.

Example 1:  I no longer receive (for now) hundreds of angry blaming texts throughout the work day.  One would think this would be great.  It is.  However I still find myself being stuck.  I'm still hesitant to jump into meetings or dive deep into a project for fear that some made-up crises will end up in my lap causing me to excuse (and embarrass) myself yet again.

Example 2: We are still currently living together but stay out of each other's way.  She goes up to her room pretty early and has been leaving me along.  She is not following me around, she is not barging in on me.  I end up just walking the house aimlessly, picking away at a few tidbit chores here and there.  Feeling like I'd better be doing "something" productive in case she comes downstairs.  Why can't I just relax and turn on the tv and watch the game?  She goes upstairs and checks out for the night, why can't I?

I cannot understand why I let these feelings control me.  We are getting divorced.  Is this some sort of PTSD, perhaps trauma induced anxiety?  Am I just afraid?  I feel like a prisoner who just had his cell door opened yet I can't step outside.  I know getting through this is imperative to my healing and moving forward.

I plan to talk with my T in depth about this but due to scheduling issues it will be several weeks before I can get back there and hoping for some wisdom and sage advice from members here.

How did you take your first steps?

[Wicker Man]

I cannot understand why I let these feelings control me.  We are getting divorced.  Is this some sort of PTSD, perhaps trauma induced anxiety?  Am I just afraid?  I feel like a prisoner who just had his cell door opened yet I can't step outside.  I know getting through this is imperative to my healing and moving forward.

Ozmatoz,

I am sorry you are going through such a difficult period.  Divorce his is incredibly hard in the best of circumstances.  Anxiety, fear and feeling frozen is, I believe, completely normal in a time of so much stress.  It was certainly my experience. 

You mentioned your schedule isn't meshing with your therapist for a few weeks.  Do you have friends or family to reach out to?  I was fortunate to have an old long lost friend who I reached out to and he was there for me.  In all the utter turmoil of the last year the one shiny spot is this friend is back in my life -we hadn't spoken in 5 years.

Yes... .the silence is deafening, unfortunately I completely understand what you mean. 

I am afraid I don't have any direct advice to give.  Hang in there.  It will get better.  I found getting out and walking around the block helped me quite a bit.


Wicker Man

[GaGrl]

Before I had gotten to paragraph 5, I was thinking PTSD.

Take this to your T. It's very real.

[Starfire]

My therapist taught me to "fake it till you make it."  (I'm pretty sure that's a technique originating in Alcoholics Anonymous.)  The idea is simple.  You go through the motions of the desired actions/behaviors/experiences even, or especially, when it feels uncomfortable.  Eventually you retrain yourself to a new normal.  You'll discover one day, likely unexpectedly, that you really are enjoying yourself.

[Wicker Man]

My therapist taught me to "fake it till you make it."  (I'm pretty sure that's a technique originating in Alcoholics Anonymous.)  The idea is simple.  You go through the motions of the desired actions/behaviors/experiences even, or especially, when it feels uncomfortable.

Without knowing the term  "fake it till you make it" this has been my approach.  I walk through my day sometimes like a somnambulist doing the things I know I should -at the end of the day I can look back at what I did and it (almost) feels good.  --I have been trying to fill my time with the things i used to do.  Keep my feet moving and really try to focus on me instead of my ex.

Journaling has also helped me in a lot of ways.  Writing letters to my ex and to myself.  Staying active here on BPD Family has given me a lot of insight and some solace.

Ozmatoz I hope you have a good day today.


Wicker Man

[I_Am_The_Fire]

Hi oz... I've been there. It really sucks (to put it mildly).

Please don't be hard on yourself.  You've basically been trained for years to "accept" the abuse and chaos. It seems you're waiting for the other shoe to drop. You're probably feeling that it's only a matter of time before she explodes at you, right?  I still go through periods like that. I think it will just take time to get used to peace and quiet. It's a hard one to get through while it's happening. I think it will help a lot more once the divorce is over and you're physically in separate homes.

In the mean time, I agree with journaling and discussing it with someone like your T or a good friend. Are you able/willing to turn your phone off during meetings? I also agree with maybe going for a walk when you're at home. Something to give you some space.

From my experience, it seems they can be like light switches at times while we are not. They seem to be able to rage one moment and not care the next while we're still reeling possibly for days. I think they can be very "in the moment" types of people who react in the moment and then they move on. Hope that helps.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Oz,

I would say there has to be tension just knowing you are in close proximity.  When my UBPDH and I were still living together and not speaking to each other, it was extremely tense.  Now that we are separated, when he texts me, I feel anxious.  So I get it. 

Given the circumstances, I don’t see how living with an estranged spouse could be other than anxiety producing.

There is one helpful thing that I can pass along.  It helps me to enjoy the little moments.  Try to focus on the things around you and the sensations you are feeling.  For example, if you take a walk, as others have suggested, concentrate on hearing the sounds of nature or of the city (whichever applies), concentrate on the feel of the breeze or the sunshine or shadows.  Being mindful and focusing on these things of the moment can calm anxiety.  When you are eating, try to eat foods you enjoy and take the time to enjoy them.  Listen to music or workout and listen to your heartbeat. I used to run and running can give you a high.  Now, I do yoga and moving gets me in touch with my body.   Make sure your bedding suits you, if you can.  When you get in bed, enjoy the sheets or your pillow.  I stretch and pray and it is comforting.  This may sound ridiculous if you have not tried it, but it really works to quell anxiousness and increase enjoyment of your time.

Hope you reach a comfortable place in your journey.  Peace and blessings, Mustbe

[ozmatoz]

Thank you everyone.  I've been away for a few days.  Deep into negotiations.
We had our four-way with attorney's this week and its been a disgusting display of BPD.  I think even her attorney was caught off-guard a few times and even had to tell my stbxw to stop texting me.

So to say the level of anxiety has increased would be an understatement.
Trying to work out some temp orders so I can move out, but I will be at the house on my nights while the kids finish out school.  They'll be out of the house with me on my weekends.  Living under the same roof has been brutal.  And I've noticed she's dressing and looking better and I know she's flaunting her beauty in my face.  (she knows I know what she's doing and she smirks a disgusting "i am god" look at me constantly... .I think she's pretty high on the npd scale too)

I think I am going to take everyone's advice.  I'm trying to "fake it till you make it" at work.  I'm one of the bosses so I have to keep up a good attitude...

I like the idea of taking in the smaller things.  I wonder if the big picture being so overwhelming that it causes me to miss smaller joyful moments.  I will be more mindful of my present surroundings.

I do run and have been trying to get back to it.  Unfortunately my schedule doesn't allow it right now.  Part of this "prisoner" feeling is that I really am waiting for that other shoe to drop.  How can I go out for a run, knowing that she'll try to call me, or have a sh-itshow guilt trip situation waiting for me when I return.  I couldn't even run to the store to get cat litter the other night without being harassed.

Journaling is tough for me right now.  I'm so overwhelmed I don't even know where to start.  I feel like I'm not entirely ready to write out these feelings, I feel like seeing them in print will be very depressing for me.  These boards however feel like a good place to start and everyone has been so supportive and caring.

I do have a few friends that know what is going on and check in with me which is good.  Frankly I think once I can get some things legally submitted to the court I can not feel so "trapped" by her madness.  Did anyone else feel a bit better once there were some legal protections in place?

[I_Am_The_Fire]

Hey oz... .

You're in a really tough situation. You're doing great, IMO.

My ex texted me as well during mediation attempts and such. I had to stop reading them and try to ignore them. It was not easy, though.

I felt better at least somewhat when the temp orders were issued. I recommend that you try to keep a copy of it with you after everything has been signed and submitted to the courts just in case, even if you have to keep a copy in your car, at work, etc. 

Personally, I would try to ignore her flaunting as much as you can. Right now she's probably trying to rub it in your face and get a reaction out of you. I've found the best thing to do is try to ignore it. My ex's drama increased tenfold after I filed for divorce. It took some practice but I got better at ignoring his baiting and such. It's not easy, though. What helped me was learning to detach and to pause when he did or said something "stupid" or insulting along with lots of deep breaths. Sometimes I would imagine an invisible shield around me that his words couldn't get through. It actually helped.

As for her interrupting and/or guilting you for going out on a run, you can't stop her from trying it. What you can do is try to put in some boundaries you can enforce. Like maybe put your phone on silence during your run or something along those lines. Understand that she may try to guilt you when you return but it's up to you how you react to it. I totally understand not wanting to deal with it, though. It's tough. What I did was "meh" my way through his guilt trip attempts. Yeah I went on a run or walk. So? And then I'd tune him out if he went on a rant for whatever reason. I learned to not engage in his arguments/rants/tantrums. I learned I had to take care of myself or I couldn't be there for my kids. I stopped caring what he thought about me. I stopped caring if he ranted. I started to treat him more like a toddler throwing a tantrum and that felt good. Granted, one can only do so much with an adult who acts that way. From what I've read in your past posts about your stbx, it may not be that easy to ignore her. Like my ex (but worse) she does seem to escalate when she doesn't get her way. So you may have to get creative or b.s. your way through it. I fully admit I flat out lied to my ex at some points just to get him to leave me alone. I'm not proud of it but I felt I had to do what I had to do for my own sanity.

I'm really glad to hear you have some friends that are there for you. I feel it's important to have a good support system in place and it sounds like you have one.

[Radcliff]

Oz,

Everything you are experiencing is normal.  Or you and I are abnormal in exactly the same ways!  I went through all of it.  It's a survival trait to not relax from danger too quickly.  All of the trauma is tied up together.  I found one time when my wife was doing communications stonewalling and financial shenanigans I actually felt physical fear because she was behaving just like she had when things got violent.  So if you're still living with your wife, it makes total sense that you're anxious about being harassed at work.

Yes, I believe you will have to deal with PTSD, but right now you are still in combat.  You are going to need to contain and minimize communications with her, get yourself into a different home, and compartmentalize divorce work so that you have safe space to heal, care for your kids, and earn a living.  That is impossible now.  Keep your game face on until you get that order.  Once you move out and get to a safe place, you'll get hit with a wave of emotions.  That's when your PTSD work will begin.  And I mean a big wave.  We should talk when you get there.  For now, keep your helmet strapped on for a little while longer.

You talk about not being able to go for a run or to the store.  Is there room for improvement in your boundaries?  Why do you care what she says?  How can you alter your patterns so you are not exposed to it?  When she gives you a sneer, can you just quietly turn your back and give no reaction?

About the fact that she's looking hot... .She is an unhealthy person who is going to find another unhealthy person.  There is no victory for her.  Can you find some empathy and walk away?  I'm not saying she deserves your support, I'm actually thinking it would be easier for you to have empathy, to get it into a head space where you know she's so far off base, you're not even threatened or hurt, you just see her as a hurt person who's being ineffective.

I would say TGIF, but I'm not looking forward to this weekend.  I have the kids Saturday because stbx has "plans" for the afternoon and evening.  Was also just informed that she "may or may not" make it home Saturday night... .  translated to: "I have a date".
Awesome, I cannot wait to be replaced.

Why are you not looking forward to this weekend with the kids?  You have time alone with the kids and your wife is gone.  Can you three do something fun with that?

WW

[ozmatoz]

Hey WW, thanks for the encouragement and support.  I think once I move out (again) this time there will most likely be less harassment from her or at the very least I will be able to look at it through a different lens.  I'm sure those empty moments without the kids and truly familiar settings will be rough.  Good news on that front though I have a ton of friends that have really missed me and have been hounding me to get together.  I have a feeling my social calendar will have no issues.

As far as the PTSD stuff, yeah thats the big target on the radar once I get back with my T.  Even today when they have all been benign texts about the kids every time I feel my watch buzz I get a terrible physical feeling.  Even when I know not all the texts are from her I am bracing until I look at it... .waiting anxiously to see what chaos awaits me.  I think the less I care the better it will get.

I do think that for some unknown reason I'm terrified to really start pushing anything around until I have some legal protections.  I guess thats what you mean by keeping the helmet strapped on a little longer.  I should hear her "final offer" Monday for temp orders.  And despite all her nastiness she has been very calm on the kid front.  Very willing to 50/50, very willing to trade things here and there, very willing to keep them happy.  As we all know with BPD that can change like the wind but keeping the kids out of the nonsense is a big deal for me.  Boundaries need to be stronger but there is hope on the horizon.

As far as her throwing her looks and dress around.  I get it.  She'll land herself into something quick and probably crash and burn.  Its probably the fact that well... .we all have needs and since they've been ignored for so long its hard not to notice... .

Don't get me wrong I look forward to the time with my kids.  I think its the anxiety of not knowing where and when she'll pop in and out.  Or what she'll b-tch about with my taking care of them.  Theres a lot being left unsaid as we wait for the lawyers to work through some stuff.  At least during the week I can escape to the office.

[Radcliff]

Oz, that's fantastic that she's being reasonable so far on the kid front.  Fingers crossed, as that's obviously the most important thing.

Right, got your point on the difficulty of seeing her looking sharp when your needs have not been met for a long time.  Patience, grasshopper, freedom awaits.  Your time will come.

On the phone buzzing -- turn it off.  I'm doing EMDR therapy for PTSD which involves visualizing scenes from the past and using rapid eye movement to mend the trauma (sounds whacky, but it's research-backed, and seems to be helping).  Anyway, texts buzzing on my phone are seriously triggering for me.  My therapist tried sending test texts to me in a therapy session, then doing EMDR.  I was triggered so badly that she couldn't make headway with the EMDR.  Then she said, "Why don't you just turn the buzzer off?"  Problem solved!  I have to be more attentive to check frequently, but I don't get triggered.  If I turn the audio notification on for texts, I've changed the tone, so it's not the same one that my wife used to use.  Speaking of which, can you just have a special tone for your wife so you know when it's not her?

WW

[Radcliff]

Hey Oz,

It's been a while.  How are you holding up?  Any developments?

WW