New here: My 50yr daughter is undiagnosed...here to learn and talk with others

[Cookie48]

My daughter has not been diagnosed with BPD. She won't go to a therapist. She once told me she thought she was bi-polar. (My mother was bi-polar.) But she was afraid to be diagnosed because she thought her husband would use it against her if they ever divorced. They have two daughters, 18 and 13. The marriage has been up and down of course. It seems to be in a good place at this moment. Our relationship has always been difficult. Her teen years almost did me in. It's been like living with a tornado at times. She will not go to therapy with me or her husband or for herself. She doesn't believe in therapy.  A friend who is a therapist and knows my daughter, gave me the book, "Stop Walking on Eggshells."  It was eye opening in many ways. It all 'fit.' She is my eldest child - nearing 50. I have two other daughters. One lives in a far-away state - she's the middle daughter and is very conflict avoidant. She just wants everyone to get along. The younger daughter and her husband live near-by, as does my eldest. The eldest has been incredibly cruel to the youngest at times, and the youngest has been forgiving (she's a social worker and has also been pretty sure her sister has BPD) The two sons-in-law don't get along. Then the eldest turned her ire onto my youngest daughters sons, who are now 19 and 16. That was the last straw. So, they are no longer speaking. The more I read, the more I am convinced that I can be a better parent even now to my eldest. I am 70. It's never too late to be a better parent, right? I am aware that my own parenting style (which works for the two other daughters) is not enough for my eldest. I have made many mistakes. I am here to learn. I want her to know how much I love her.  Sometimes it helps to have others to talk with and learn from.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hello to you, Cookie48.

I'm in your age bracket... .our undiagnosed-but-highly-probable-BPD-daughter is 52.  She first ran away when she was a pre-teen... .running away when a serial killer of teens/young-adults was active in our area.  That was our introduction to the volatile relationship with her that has continued to this day.  Life with her has not been a walk-in-the-park!

In those early years she was considered to be a "wild child" and, fingers crossed, would one day grow out of her rebellious years.  Then, during one of our visits with a counsellor, the term "Borderline Personality Disorder" was used and we were advised to track down a book... ."I Hate You, Don't Leave Me."  I cried as I read that book!  "It" had a possible name!  The check marks were there. 

Well, even with that introduction to this illness, I have to admit that it hasn't been until the last few years that we started to draw lines-in-the-sand in regards to her verbal abuse to us (actually... .towards me, her Mom)... .abuse that has escalated to heights we never would have thought to happen.

Our daughter has gone to many therapists over the years.  I assume she moves on once a finger is pointed in her direction.  She is currently in her 3rd marriage, has had 2 children (different fathers) and has 2 step-children... .all she has "taken" to therapists to fix "their" problems.  She absolutely refuses to go into therapy with us, her parents.  We have been warned that her escalating verbal abuse could well turn to physical abuse... .so that is our line-in-the-sand... .we next meet in a counsellor's office.  She is holding firm that will never happen.  This is a stand-off and, however long our estrangement will continue, there is no negotiating on our part with this.

I agree with your comment... .."It is never too late to be a better parent... ."  I have changed my way of thinking, though, that I made "mistakes" in the past with dealing with my daughter.  Yes, I could have handled situations differently... .and the future might have been better (?)... .but... .I now am kinder to myself by telling myself that I did the best I could... .with the information I had at the time... .and when I knew better... .I did better.  I, like you, will continue to learn.  What more can be asked of a person... .a parent?  We are good parents!

It is a hard job being a parent, even harder when there is more than one when you have to switch gears in dealing with each of their different personalities.

So, Cookie48, glad you are here.  There is a wealth of information available for you... .there is a non-judging, supportive community of parents who will read and respond to your posts... .all of us learning from each other as we share information regarding the journeys we are on with our challenging children.

Huat

[bluek9]

   Welcome Cookie48,

      Just wanted to say hi along with Huat. Well I'm with you, it's never to late to learn. I'm 60 raising my grandson and taking care of my BPDD who is going to 36 in August. There is so much great info here. Don't let it overwhelm you, take your time look around, ask questions. We are all here for each other. You started with a good book, then came to the right place. I'm also with Huat on the "take it easy on yourself" part. As parents we get put through the ringer enough, we don't need to do that to ourselves. Shoulda, woulda, coulda, those are all looking in the past. Now's the time for new fesh starts, new ideas.  Keep sharing, it's always nice to hear what's working for someone.