New alliance

[snowglobe]

For those who are not familiar with my story- I live between two big cities 6 hrs away from each other. One, is where my home, my children, my post secondary education, my friends, and my life is. Second, is where my husband’s business is, where I’ve been following him since summer of 2017. If you would ask me, why do you go?. I would have only one answer- because I’m trying to keep the lifeline long enough, for him to come back to us. I used to believe that I’m good at regulating my uBPDh’s moods, making him feel safe, but as one of the wise members of this board pointed out to me, I am clearly not. We had domestic violent altercation, started when he began to taunt me about leaving (happened back home), not breaking the bread with us (me and the kids), in “this house” (our home). I am deeply saddened that I reacted the way I did, it was so emotionally painful, I just wanted him to stop. All the wonderful progress and steady pace I prided myself went out of the window. I pushed him, and plead to snap out of it, see what kind of damage he was inflicting on his family. (He opted not to participate in my birthday celebration, with mutual guests and family invited, stayed upstairs the entire time). The outcome of this could’ve been predicted, I ended up with severe mechanical and chemical cornea abrasion, 40% being damaged. As a result, my vision is now 20/50. I’m being watched over to see when I will need to undergo vision correction.
To calm things down a bit, I backed down. I went back to work with him, obediently served as his chef, cleaning lady, Massauce, sex provider. He started live bombing me, to the extent I didn’t expect. That is exactly what he needs, obedient woman with no objection. I’ve lasted this way for two weeks. I’m miserable. My own things don’t get done. I profoundly miss my children. I resent not having a voice in this relationships. Over 9 months my husband became his partner’s shadow. From all of the business decisions, they used to discuss the details, now it’s his partner who calls all the shots. The time that we spend here is also dictated by his partner, which my husband finds very comforting. He isn’t “responsible” for anything, it’s others who decide and act upon him. When I press him for the importance of being home with our children, he replies “you talk it over with my partner”?. What?. You are a managing partner, your own boss, and you let someone else decide how and when you will see your family?. Profound. On top of it all, partner is still going through separation and a divorce which he instigated as soon as he made it big. One of those guys, as soon as money entered the scene he decided that he can “do better”. I’m not gonna dwell into the details, but just so I can illustrate the depth of his canny personality, through scheming and deceit he left his wife almost penniless. This business that they both run, my uBPDh and his partner was founded and developed during their marriage. He convinced my uBPDh, against my wishes, to help him “cover it up”. As a result, she isn’t getting 50/50, more 10/90, with 90 going to partner. He isn’t seeing their child, nor talks about him. As if his family never existed. On top of all this he drinks, every single night. As a psych major I know that he is showing signs of a high functioning alcoholic. It’s hard to silence one’s conciousness.
Now to the meat of it all, over the time my husband is “merging” with his partner so much so, that I’m being alarmed. He asks him for “permission”, that isn’t work related, he makes plans with him for leisure, when he hasn’t seen his kids in weeks, he wants to be like him, he started to talk like him, he didn’t have a problem with alcohol before, and now he drinks every night. I feel like on top of uncomfortable work setuation I live with an imposter. So many times I thought of leaving back home and not waiting for him. To be honest, the deep rooted fear that he will venture too far and will not be able to find his way back to us, keeps me holding on. He has always had this problem, for as long as I could remember. He imitated and became “people”, that surrounded him. Eventually, I know, at some point, his partner will disappoint him and he will split on him too. I’m waiting for this moment, almost rooting for it. I don’t know if I can hold on long enough to see that.
P.s. I should mention that for the past 7 years his partner used to call me and try to evoke me to “influence” my husband’s business decisions. He also manipulated him socially, telling him foibles about people he doesn’t like. Calling me and saying: “who the bleep does he think he is”?. I will show him... .you better straighten him out”... .yes, I’m guilty of even listening to someone speaking this way of my life partner. But in my conciousness it was better to know what the other was planning then warn my uBPDh of possible ramifications.

[Lady Itone]

Sorry to hear you're in this situation. It sounds extremely difficult. The damage to you eye--I'm so sorry that happened to you, it isn't right.

What you're doing (going to your husband in another city, listening to his sociopath partner, being meek and subservient) isn't working--not for you, and it's not really getting your husband to shape up and come home. Why would he when he's got a chef, slave, etc. and no responsibilities? So maybe try something different?

You've stressed to your husband the importance of being home with the children--yet you are not at home with the children? You're giving him the message that he's the most important member of the family. In fact, he's the only important member. Maybe it's time to go home, be with your kids in your home in your life.
 
As for the horrible partner, that's a tough one. I would be alarmed as heck seeing my loved one under such a bad influence. You could set a hard boundary, refuse to interact with or hear about the toxic partner. If the partner tries to call or engage you, tell him you don't talk about your husband's dealings. Hang up or walk away if he insists. Walk away if your husband starts talking about him. Since your husband doesn't heed your warnings about that jerk anyway, stop warning him.

Anyway, I hope you make it home soon and that you find some peace with this.     

[formflier]

When do you classes start?  If I remember right, that is when you are returning home.

FF

[snowglobe]

Dear @Lady Itone and @Formflier,
Thank you for your replies, I am coming to work with him every day, so it’s hard to have a private moment. My school is starting next week, yay, so it’s natural transition that will make my absence from him a little more tolerable, on both of us, I hope. He is talking a lot about relocating family to “the job site”, I don’t mind the idea, although it entails learning another language and relocating kids schools. Additionally, he doesn’t have a signed long term contract. His industry can suffer a fiasco at anytime, for now it’s in a “grey zone”, awaiting legislations and new laws to regulate it. I feel hesitant to move all the way for something that can expire suddenly, leaving us with no set income. His other business that we have “back at home” is largely neglected, but still working like a well oiled machine. It’s being run by his employees. I’m glad we are finally having other options on the table, other then “ this is it, deal with it”, at least now I can start weighing in on our move and it’s poasible advantages and disadvantages. The biggest one is that nuclear family will be intact. Consequence is selling our property back home, withdrawing and disrupting kids schools  and extracurricular activities, dealing with uBPDh tantrums alone, my parents are unlikely to come with us. It’s a very hard decision, but at least I now have another option to choose from

[formflier]

  but at least I now have another option to choose from

So... .you can choose not to move?  What are his thoughts about you staying back where the kids are for a couple years to sort out your school, vocation and parenting.

I'm glad you seem to have that choice.

FF

[babyducks]

Snowglobe,

I hope your eye continues to heal and you have a complete recovery.   Please make sure you practice good "self care", follow the doctors instructions, and be kind to yourself.

I agree with Lady Itone.

What you're doing (going to your husband in another city, listening to his sociopath partner, being meek and subservient) isn't working--not for you, and it's not really getting your husband to shape up and come home. Why would he when he's got a chef, slave, etc. and no responsibilities? So maybe try something different?

You've stressed to your husband the importance of being home with the children--yet you are not at home with the children? You're giving him the message that he's the most important member of the family. In fact, he's the only important member. Maybe it's time to go home, be with your kids in your home in your life.   

You've been following your husband to the other work location for a while now.   All in the hopes of making things better and protecting your relationship.   The post you wrote yesterday is not significantly different from the post you wrote a month ago.  or three months ago.    I went back and looked at some of your first posts here on this site, and they have the same themes: an unsettled living situation, children not getting enough attention and your husband getting too much attention.    I found this:

This is my second post at this discussion board and I'm feeling very anxious. As I mentioned before I've been married to a man who is showing all of the signs of the BPD but refuses to acknowledge  or get help. Currently he has me locked in a loose loose situation, and I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. We've been taking about moving to a new home for a while.

and this:

although I can't ever fully let my guard down. Whenever I feel happy or close to him it makes him extremely uncomfortable and he retreats into passive aggressive mode. Upon every conflict I have to "win him over" or else he decides to leave. It's been 16 years of him leaving, yet it never gets old, every time we get into break up cycle it feels real and authentic. I haven't found a way of dealing with this just yet... .every time he turns into a Hulk a feel that a part of my soul is dying. My kids are hurting and trying to get some attention from me. Unfortunately, most of the time I feel depleted, he is like 12 kids simultaneously seeking attention and validation. Whenever he is getting his needs met he is the sweetest kindest most generous man on the planet.

that's why I agree with Lady Itone.    What you are doing is not working,  it's continuing the cycle.

I'm going to jump to another topic for a second.  In your other thread two board advisors asked you to take the Mosaic Risk Assessment test.   Did you take it?   There is a reason why two board advisors asked you to take the survey.   Once a relationship has degraded to physical violence, regardless of who caused it, once physical violence has been reached the possibility of it happening again is greater, and the relationship becomes more difficult to heal.

taking the Mosaic test carefully and honestly will help members here tailor their suggestions in ways that are safe and more productive.     here is the link.    if you feel comfortable let us know how you scored.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=304172

I noticed this in your last message.

My school is starting next week, yay, so it’s natural transition that will make my absence from him a little more tolerable, on both of us, I hope.

and I have some concerns.   the most difficult time in a high conflict relationship is when a transition occurs.   it seems that there is already so much stress inside the relationship that any additional stress can cause fracture lines to appear.   we all here care and want you to be safe and as comfortable as you can be.    please take a look at the Mosaic.

the only way to change the cycle you are in is to be brave enough to take an honest look at where you are now.

[snowglobe]

@formflier and @baby ducks,
Thank you for your responses!
What a day yesterday was for me. It was my fifth day on the job site, and I observed complete and utter dissolution of my uBPDh into his business partners. He used to be an equal partner with his own opionion, frequently disagreed with business decisions and stood his ground. From living together to working together, that like is dlurred down. He now takes orders? Obidient and downright serving his partner as it was his master. Because I’m so often with them, I can clearly see that 1)partner is running a shady scheme to screw his soon to be ex over for divorce settlement, he doesn’t want to take the salaries out  That they haven’t taken out since January! Till September, and tries to buy time saying that he needs time to speak to lawyers, accountants, leave money for rainy day (it’s the contract salary we are talking about, not company earnings!) I had a serious discussion with my uBPDh, saying that if he doesn’t take the salary, it makes it a moot point to be making all these sacrifices, and we need money to cover the mortgage. He proceeded to tell his uBPDh that “Snowglobe” said she needs the money, so write a cheque for all of the amounts. I looked at him questioning, don’t YOU want to get paid? Why do you throw me under the bus? Because it was a conversation on handless device, and I was in the car, I felt extremely uncomfortable hearing his  partner say :”what happened, did someone( me, who else) making the waves, that you sound so wound up?”. We will deal with  it.

[snowglobe]

He is making the decisions from when they get paid, to what time they start work and etc. This merger happened to seamlessly, all the while I was with him. Partner doesn’t have honesty and good personal ethics, he hires prostitutes for his pleasure, my uBPDh is highly sugesstable and is influenced easily, if I didn’t come, he would have absolutely no need in his family. Eating out at expensive restaurants every day, he can totally afford it, building his business and using hired help to get his needs met. He doesn’t need kids, that is already established, with me being out of the picture he will prepare an exit, just like his partner. Me and the kids will be left out of the financial compensation, that I believe, that my children rightfully deserve. I’m not trying to disrespect anyone here, believe me, but the kind of financial scheme his partner pulled, his the one for the books. They, unfortunately, are in the world of the wild Wild West, with no rules being applied to how far it can be taken. I’m certain that even with highly qualifying lawyers and accountants, no one can open up the core of it, unless you know where to look. And that will be kept silent for the comrades.
I will take the time to take Mosaic test, I just need a bit of some private time alone and I will share it with you. I don’t know what to do in terms of coming back with him, or staying home. My mom is encouraging me to hold on and keep going with him, she has known him for 17 years to advise me on the changes she sees in his behaviour. She tells me that if I stay he won’t make it pretty for everyone. He will almost immediately start cutting down on financial assistance, it’s not regulated, more of his own discretion. Start calling me, telling me that I’m useless for him, as I don’t serve any purpose or take care of him. Therefore, I don’t deserve to be financially supported. If I don’t object, he tells me to start cutting down on the kids needs, such as extracurricular and etc. I wouldn’t be able to take kids for any “fun things”, movies, museums and etc. I say that because we already had work related separations, in two weeks that he was gone once he cut my allowance by 60%, not because we went through financial turmoil, but because he found me un- useful for him. His manipulation of my behaviour is largely financial. I’m terrified if  he would decide to divorce me, not for the reasons of actual proceedings, but because the money he has at his fingertips would be in proportional. Him having millions and me not having anything other then credit cards would be a fiasco. Companies get established and close down on a monthly basis, all legal btw, that’s the catch.

[babyducks]

from what you are describing there is,   and has been,  a unhealthy level of codependency going on in your relationship with your husband and your husband relationship with his partner.

a codependent is someone who cannot function from their innate self and whose thinking and behavior is instead organized around another person, or even a process, or substance.

you can read more here.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111772.0

what would you like to do about it?

[formflier]

I will take the time to take Mosaic test, I just need a bit of some private time alone and I will share it with you. 

How are things going getting this test done?

I'm concerned about your situation... .

FF

[Radcliff]

Snowglobe, did you return to start school?

Lady Itone and babyducks have spoken eloquently and wisely.

Your focus on your husband's behavior is extreme, and your own behavior continues to follow the same patterns.  I know that changing things is terrifyingly difficult -- you have been enmeshed in this relationship since you were a teenager.  Yet if you do not fundamentally change your approach, your situation will not change for the better, and will likely continue to deteriorate.

You've mentioned that you read the book, Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist, and have recommended it to other members.  What would the author of the book advise you to do?

WW

[snowglobe]

Snowglobe, did you return to start school?

Lady Itone and babyducks have spoken eloquently and wisely.

Your focus on your husband's behavior is extreme, and your own behavior continues to follow the same patterns.  I know that changing things is terrifyingly difficult -- you have been enmeshed in this relationship since you were a teenager.  Yet if you do not fundamentally change your approach, your situation will not change for the better, and will likely continue to deteriorate.

You've mentioned that you read the book, Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist, and have recommended it to other members.  What would the author of the book advise you to do?

WW

@wentworth,
Thank you for reaching out, I actually contacted her, as she is offering Skype sessions. Her suggestions and recommendations are same as in the book. My uBPDh is more np then BPD, this will never change, according to her. Get out while you can, is a short summary.

[snowglobe]

How are things going getting this test done?

I'm concerned about your situation... .

FF

Dear FF and BD,
I have taken the test, these are my results
ASSESSMENT RESULTS: 6 on a scale of 1 to 10
Based upon the information you have provided, and with a quality level of 157 out of a possible 200, this situation appears most similar to cases that -have- worsened and escalated. On a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being assigned to situations that have most of the factors experts associate with escalation), this situation is a 6. Some similar cases have escalated to include worsening abuse and substantial violence. Though not in the worst category of cases, this situation can escalate to the point that a future assessment would produce a higher number on the 1 to 10 scale.

[snowglobe]

Current setuation:
We are home, came back last Friday, he assigned unreasonable number of tasks and chores to complete in a week. He likes it, prefers and tries to arrange so I don’t have any “free time/me time” when we are home. I grabbed lunch with a friend for one hour during the day, he called me twice during that hour. I am acting placidly and compliantly, my obidience is making him feel safe and in control. Yet, there isn’t any zest or life in me, which he doesn’t like. So he started live bombing me, sending me to beauty appointments and acting lovey/dovey. He even said “we won’t go to work this week, I need to figure out some business related details here”. I’ve attended two classes so far, for my program, my online DBT skills training is starting next week. Yet, due to high stress level and emotional reactivity I can’t process and decode much of information.

[babyducks]

Thanks for sharing your test results Snowglobe,   that was a brave step forward.

Can I ask another question,   am I right in thinking you are not currently working with a therapist?

[formflier]

I agree... .solid step forward!   

FF

[snowglobe]

Thanks for sharing your test results Snowglobe,   that was a brave step forward.

Can I ask another question,   am I right in thinking you are not currently working with a therapist?

Thank you, it took some time, but I finally did it and looking for a feedback from you, guys. I’m on a wait list for DBT team at home. In my home city there are only 4 clinics that do full on DBT, so while I await I will start learning the skills

[Harley Quinn]

I'm so glad that you took that brave step of taking the test Snowglobe.  Thank you and well done.  Personally I was afraid to see what it told me when I first completed it for myself.  How do you feel having done this and reading the result?  It's a lot to absorb.  Does this tell you anything you didn't instinctively know? 

You know you are safe to talk here and share what goes through your mind.  I wish I'd realised that such a place existed when I was going through not only my last (BPD) r/s but also with my son's father for 10 years (NPD).  I wrestled with a lot of resentment and felt like I was going crazy in that r/s.  Don't struggle with your thoughts alone.  We understand and will listen without judgement.   

Love and light x 

[babyducks]

That's a pretty serious score, but I think you already understood that at some level right?

I have followed your story for a while and know how strongly you feel about your family and your experience.

I don't think this is sustainable, not on its current path.  The fact that he won't let you go to lunch for an hour shows the levels of stress in the relationship.

I don't see any way to improve things that don't involve some disruption and discomfort.   There will be no easy fix.  But, since there has been violence and the risk of future violence exists, You want to manage the disruptions with care.

I would say the first goal is keeping you and the children safe.

Would you agree?

[formflier]

 am I right in thinking you are not currently working with a therapist?

Very important that we not assume... .and are getting an accurate picture of things.


You were working with a T before... .via Skype I believe.  Is that therapeutic relationship over or do you still have contact?

You mentioned Skyping with an author of a book.  How often and was it a therapeutic relationship or just a few skypes?  Please confirm this was a different relationship than your T above. 

How did you determine DBT was the way forward?  Who was involved in that decision?

Looks like you are on a wait list for DBT... .is there an estimate of time until you have a spot?

What is the status of taking summer school or restarting your academics?   

And... .perhaps most importantly... .how is your eye doing?

FF

[snowglobe]

That's a pretty serious score, but I think you already understood that at some level right?

I have followed your story for a while and know how strongly you feel about your family and your experience.

I don't think this is sustainable, not on its current path.  The fact that he won't let you go to lunch for an hour shows the levels of stress in the relationship.

I don't see any way to improve things that don't involve some disruption and discomfort.   There will be no easy fix.  But, since there has been violence and the risk of future violence exists, You want to manage the disruptions with care.

I would say the first goal is keeping you and the children safe.

Would you agree?

BD,
My absolute goal is for the kids to be ok, and try to minimize any, even if “BPDish” things manage to spill over. It was quite shocking for me, to see the “tranfrormation”, after my birthday and crisis passed and the trip with my friends was cancelled. He became complete example of serenity and love. Even the love making, that was steadily declining, due to him being uninterested, picked up the pace. When he is in charge of all and any decisions regarding us, he is good to me. Yet, he wants to see this confidant, go getter woman by his side. So now, he is trying to “beautify” me back to being his trophy wife. I can’t explain to him that once he takes my voice away, I become anxious and depressed.
@HQ,
Nothing new here that I didn’t know, I already saw how stressful events impact his mental well being, add me to that mix, you get a toxic explosive. I’m the only person, at times, more then his children, that he has full control over. Why?. You may ask. It’s not the financial aspect, it’s the reason that when he can’t “get to me”, he tries to “get to me” through the kids. I’m a grown woman, and my state crumbles at times. I can’t do this to our children. So I deal with it, on a primitive level. The only way I know, or I learnt how to function in this works. My own foo, as long as I was good and compliant, I was ok. Same is with him, as long as I go along, he is loving and exceptionally giving, not only to myself and the children, but also to my foo. I know that the level of involvement in our relationships is toxic, to say the least. I will beggin with working on my own dependency and issues of insecure attachment.

[Harley Quinn]

My absolute goal is for the kids to be ok, and try to minimize any, even if “BPDish” things manage to spill over.

For the kids to be OK, that means that you need to be OK too.  They depend upon you as their mother, and you are their role model from whom they will learn all the most important lessons in life.  Are you OK?   

It’s not the financial aspect, it’s the reason that when he can’t “get to me”, he tries to “get to me” through the kids. I’m a grown woman, and my state crumbles at times. I can’t do this to our children. So I deal with it, on a primitive level.

Can you tell us a little more about this?  How does he get to you through the kids?

Love and light x

[snowglobe]

Very important that we not assume... .and are getting an accurate picture of things.


You were working with a T before... .via Skype I believe.  Is that therapeutic relationship over or do you still have contact?

You mentioned Skyping with an author of a book.  How often and was it a therapeutic relationship or just a few skypes?  Please confirm this was a different relationship than your T above. 

How did you determine DBT was the way forward?  Who was involved in that decision?

Looks like you are on a wait list for DBT... .is there an estimate of time until you have a spot?

What is the status of taking summer school or restarting your academics?   

And... .perhaps most importantly... .how is your eye doing?

FF

Point form answers to give you a clear picture
Still working with the “old” T on Skype, once a week. More of a bandage, she doesn’t have any desire working with BPDish issues, to her it’s a lost cause. In her 6 years of practice, she says she only sees 10% of people who remain in these relationships. I don’t find her helpful, I have a motivation/desire to stay with my husband, and I have a believe that with both of us getting adequately trained help, we can continue these relationships, therefore I’m seeking a specific treatment for 1) emotionally reactive codependent with abandonment issues, high tolerance for inappropriate things such as violence, put downs and control, and high intolerance for appropriate things, such as abiguity, separation, among other things. Whilst, old therapist has a desire to fix me, and a belief that any! Relationships with person with BPD is a wasted cause and time. Therefore her behaviour isn’t motivated to help me in a way I want to be helped
I had 2 separate therapy sessions, or more q and a, with the author. She is quite knowledgeable on the subject, but for those who read the book, the message is clear, detach with kindness and try to heal. I would continue working with her, however I think it’s crucial to work with a live therapist in my case. The author of stop caretakig the npd is a separate person from my T, I needed some clarifications and applications of her book to my current setuation.
I contacted Marsha Linenhan’s institute right after the incident, got a chance to speak to someone in her department describe the setuation. WAs explained that although it’s not guaranteed, DBT might be the best option for my specific emotional reactions. I was given a list of the providers, who I have contacted. I also spoke to a social worker trained in DBT, who also confirmed the nature of our dynamics, and that DBT would be the best way to go on forward.
My school started this week, tues and thurs, last years course on “neurological basis of the behaviour” among all things. I already took “biological basis of the behaviour”, my assumptions were that it would be similar... .not with all the stress and anxiety and even depression from the developments leaves me disassociated from the experience. I will need to spend time on the notes and lecture slides to figure it out.
My eye is 20(healthy)/30(injures) with -2, still healing. I was prescribed new medication to reduce the swelling and dryness. I’m coming back in 3 weeks to check on the healing. In a few months they will determine if we should wait some more, or do the corrective surgery

[snowglobe]

For the kids to be OK, that means that you need to be OK too.  They depend upon you as their mother, and you are their role model from whom they will learn all the most important lessons in life.  Are you OK?   

Can you tell us a little more about this?  How does he get to you through the kids?

Love and light x

He beggings to criticize and gnawing at the oldest, tries to draw them into an argument that they can’t win. It could be “how is your sport, how are you progressing?” Regardless of the answer it’s never satisfying for him, as it’s not the purpose of the question. He begging to say “only that? You didn’t train for 20 hours this week? You only got 83 on your test?” You fat, talentless, lazy, just quit already, you will never achieve anything! It will be cheaper for me, then waste money on you”. Or, better yet, if he is really pissed, and was not successful at getting a reaction from me, such as pleading for forgiveness, or crying, he “punishes” our eldest. His favourite is cancelling her plans, for something so small, that he would never ever even notice it on a normal day. He confides her to her room, and starts yelling, so the whole house hears, including and addressed to my parents. If anyone dares to take her out of the “punishment”, there will be serious consequences, do you all understand. You will all have problems, he continues to periodically yell, referring to her, but looking at my reaction, “you will learn your lesson this way, you ungrateful, useless... .”.
In my s11 his reaction is a little more placid, he starts asking about his progress, marks and therapy. Regardless of how good he progressed, also not enough, he begins to say “I want to you to cancel therapy, it’s uselss, even with this much therapy he isn’t going to be normal, it’s uselss”.
Do you see now why? By primitive coping, I mean, like the bird pretends to have a broken wing to save the nest, I take his “heat” to protect the kids. After the mosaic test and explanation in the report I’m certain that with the access to huge variety of firearms, he is avid collector and is fascinated with zombie, apocalypse and the end of the world his behaviour could be unpredictable. Few times he confided in me, that he would love for it to become reality, as the laws of the society such as order and rules would no longer apply, leaving it for the survival of the fittest. Somehow he is convinced that he would prosper and flourish in this case. Add to that extremely large  financial access, you get the picture.
I understand that it could paint the picture of be being a victim or a helpless person, but my current position is a choice. I prefer to keep this arrangement, rather then face unpredictable consequences that I saw he is capable of. I don’t have resources, or tools yet to keep my head above be water to see myself and the kids out of this.

[Harley Quinn]

So what you're saying is you're afraid?  For yourself and the children, who you try to protect.  It's OK to be afraid, and natural in your situation Snowglobe, In fact, being afraid makes you alert and more able to protect both yourself and them, so that's a positive.  Correct me if I'm interpreting you wrongly.  Living the way you describe is really hard and I truly feel for you.  I've been there, trying to keep the peace and make everything OK.  It's exhausting and wears our confidence.   

I'm glad you brought up resources.  At this present time, following your husband's attack, safety is key for yourself and of course the kids.  Have you taken any time to think about a safety plan to safeguard yourself and the family?  I contacted a domestic abuse service locally to myself in confidence and they helped me to create one for myself.  It's advisable to know what you will do if a risk of harm arises before the time, as in the moment it can be so hard to think straight or make a safe decision.  Have you spoken to someone from a local service who could support you with this?

Love and light x

[snowglobe]

So what you're saying is you're afraid?  For yourself and the children, who you try to protect.  It's OK to be afraid, and natural in your situation Snowglobe.  In fact, being afraid makes you alert and more able to protect both yourself and them, so that's a positive.  Correct me if I'm interpreting you wrongly.  Living the way you describe is really hard and I truly feel for you.  I've been there, trying to keep the peace and make everything OK.  It's exhausting and wears our confidence.   

I'm glad you brought up resources.  At this present time, following your husband's attack, safety is key for yourself and of course the kids.  Have you taken any time to think about a safety plan to safeguard yourself and the family?  I contacted a domestic abuse service locally to myself in confidence and they helped me to create one for myself.  It's advisable to know what you will do if a risk of harm arises before the time, as in the moment it can be so hard to think straight or make a safe decision.  Have you spoken to someone from a local service who could support you with this?

Love and light x

I haven’t, not yet at least. I managed to put some financial resources away, ion case he cuts me off financially suddenly. It won’t last me longer then a month, but it’s a start. I plan to continue building on that, it’s one of my biggest fears to live through. After domestic abuse, when my mother was almost killed by my bio father, who is npd, she took me and left to an empty flat, he cut her off financially. I still vividly remember going to the very few friends we had left to eat every day. It lasted months, I was 9 yo. Getting up in the morning and not knowing where and when we will eat, not having a bus ticket to school, when my father was one of the richest and most prominent people in the community. Selective attention very much exists out there. People who knew my parents tried to rationalize, how my mother deserved to be taught a lesson. I still have special relationships with food and finances in general. I’m always careful to stay within a budget and not to have any debts. I lived through it, and would not want to put my children through it.

[Harley Quinn]

The fears you describe make total sense.  It's not surprising that these things are key in your mind.  That had to be very scary for you as a 9 year old, wondering how you would survive.

After domestic abuse, when my mother was almost killed by my bio father, who is npd

That experience of not knowing how and when you would eat had to be awful.  At the same time, you were all safe.  Fortunately there is a lot more support out there now and I'm sure the legal system has progressed too, although I know having rights doesn't always mean they are met and sometimes it can take time before conditions are met. 

You've been wise in putting aside some funds in case of an emergency.  Do you know he would cut you off financially if things changed from the current dynamic?  Has he said this?  Or is it possible that this wouldn't happen?  I know his relationship with his partner is a less than positive influence upon him right now and that's an understandable worry for you.

Other than financial safety, there's the physical safety to consider as a priority.  I was given really good advice from my domestic abuse advocate, without whom I don't think I'd have managed to keep as safe.  It really helped me to have a plan for emergencies.  I felt more in control of what happened to me.  I'm sure that would be good for you to feel too. 

Do you have the contact details of a local service who you could call or visit without your husband knowing?  It's confidential and they will take you seriously, again without any judgement.  They deal with ongoing cases all the time and know what sort of effects situations like yours have on a person.  You might be surprised and find they can hook you up with a good therapist.  I was amazed at the scope of support my service were able to offer.

In the meantime, we have this document to help you begin to think about safeguarding: Safety First  I hope that you find it helpful, and I'd also be happy to give you information on what I had in my plan if you're interested. 

Snowglobe, nobody here is going to tell you to leave.  What we care about is that you and your family are safe, whatever you decide to do.      

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Snowglobe,

How are you doing?  Thinking of you and hoping that you are busy with your studies and all is calm for you.  :)o let us know how you're getting on.  We last spoke about being safe in the r/s and I took a look at the Hotline website.  This is what they have to say about what a safety plan is:

A safety plan is a personalized, practical plan that includes ways to remain safe while in a relationship, planning to leave, or after you leave. Safety planning involves how to cope with emotions, tell friends and family about the abuse, take legal action and more.

At The Hotline we safety plan with victims, friends and family members — anyone who is concerned about their own safety or the safety of someone else.

A good safety plan will have all of the vital information you need and be tailored to your unique situation, and will help walk you through different scenarios.

Although some of the things that you outline in your safety plan may seem obvious, it’s important to remember that in moments of crisis your brain doesn’t function the same way as when you are calm. When adrenaline is pumping through your veins it can be hard to think clearly or make logical decisions about your safety. Having a safety plan laid out in advance can help you to protect yourself in those stressful moments.

On the same page they give information of what to include in your safety plan whilst living with a partner and also share these tips for emotional safety planning, which is really valuable too:

Often, emphasis is placed on planning around physical safety, but it’s important to consider your emotional safety as well. Emotional safety can look different for different people, but ultimately it’s about developing a personalized plan that helps you feel accepting of your emotions and decisions when dealing with abuse. Below are some ideas for how to create and maintain an emotional safety plan that works for you.

Seek Out Supportive People: A caring presence such as a trusted friend or family member can help create a calm atmosphere to think through difficult situations and allow for you to discuss potential options.

Identify and Work Towards Achievable Goals: An achievable goal might be calling a local resource and seeing what services are available in your area, or talking to one of our advocates at The Hotline. Remember that you don’t have to do anything you aren’t comfortable with right now, but taking small steps can help options feel more possible when you are ready.

Create a Peaceful Space for Yourself: Designating a physical place where your mind can relax and feel safe can be good option when working through difficult emotions that can arise when dealing with abuse. This can be a room in your house, a spot under your favorite tree, a comfy chair by a window or in a room with low lights.

Remind Yourself of Your Great Value: You are important and special, and recognizing and reminding yourself of this reality is so beneficial for your emotional health. It is never your fault when someone chooses to be abusive to you, and it has no reflection on the great value you have as person.

Remember That You Deserve to Be Kind to Yourself: Taking time to practice self-care every day, even if it is only for a few minutes, really creates space for peace and emotional safety. It’s healthy to give yourself emotional breaks and step back from your situation sometimes. In the end, this can help you make the decisions that are best for you.

You can find the rest of the page, including safety planning for living with a partner who is abusive and safety planning with children here: Path to Safety

I hope you will update us soon on how you are and any changes to your situation.  We're here for you.  

Love and light x