Job Offer Out of State

[dacoming]

Hi, we have been living in TX for about 4 years.  I got a job here after retiring from the military so we moved here.  Prior to getting the job offer and moving, I asked my wife if she was fine with TX or did she want to go somewhere else.  She had previously told me that she's followed me all over the U.S. for my career and it was time for me to go where she wants.  My wife doesn't work and our grown daughter (w/granddaughter) and son lives with us also.  Our son works but his money is generally his but our daughter doesn't work either.  So all of the financial responsibility falls on me.  She told me she was down to move to TX.

Since a few months of being here, my wife has complained about living here, pressuring me to get a job somewhere else (Atlanta being the most desired place).  She hates the weather and basically hates TX altogether.  Until recently, I've resisted the idea of moving because the move would fall onto me financially unless I was lucky enough to find one that paid relocation costs.  She's accused me of only thinking about myself and my career and ignoring the wishes of her and the kids.  Recently, I've suffered a few significant losses in my family.  My grandfather died in January and my uncle committed suicide a day later.  A couple months later, my father died.  My wife really started pressing to move to Atlanta or NC because "my family members are getting older and I need to spend more time with them."  With all of the loss, combined with her constantly pressing me to move, I gave in. 

I applied for a job in NC and a couple in Atlanta.  I ended up getting an offer for one of the positions in Atlanta last week.  The job is exactly what I dreamed of doing.  It's an HR position.  I've been a paralegal for years so I've been working hard to build up my labor relations skills in order to transfer to an Employee relations position without having to take a demotion in the government and finally the opportunity came!  It seems like a win for all sides:  she gets to move to Atlanta where she's been wanting for a while, I get the dream job I want that will lead to more opportunities, and also get to move closer to home.  She seems happy. 

Fast forward to this morning, she calls me at work saying she's having second thoughts.  Our marriage has been suffering for years due to a lack of trust, poor communication, false accusations, name-calling, finger pointing, etc.  She feels Atlanta is a bad idea now because of her lack of trust for me and all of the things that I "could be doing" there.  I will point out that I've never cheated on her in 22 years of marriage.  Also, everywhere we've ever been, she has accused me of wrongdoing, despite the fact that I go to work, come home, maybe go to the gym here and there (although I don't go as much as I want because of her insecurities).  She literally times me getting home from work.  I usually get home somewhere between 5:40p and 6:00p usually.  Traffic is bad here though and many accidents happen.  If I get home at 6:02, she's questioning why I'm "late."  Often, arguments emerge from that.  I do not want to turn down this job because these opportunities in the government are few and far in between.  I fear if I pass on this, another opportunity may not come.  She feels our family staying together is more important than a job.  She always twists things to make me feel like I'm choosing my job or my extended family over our family with the kids.

I feel so angry right now because she always seems to do this to me.  How do you hound me for years to move, the opportunity comes that suits everyone, and you try to ruin it for me?  What should I do?  How would being in Atlanta be any different that what's going on here with the accusations, jealousy, trust issues, etc?  Even during the conversation today, she implied I was doing something wrong because I didn't answer my work phone that was ringing while we were talking.  I recognized the number; it was a solicitor so I ignored it.  If I turn this job down and these silly arguments and false accusations continue, I'm going to really resent her.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi dacoming,



Thanks for sharing your story! In time you’ll find that by posting on your own threads and interacting with others you can get/give a lot of support here!

What is your plan with this Atlanta move? Sounds to me like going ahead with it would be a good idea. It’s your dream, it’s what she said she wanted, and Texas is way too hot!  

I think as you get to know the tools here you will be better equipped to handle such situations. It is not easy when a partner is not consistent and is highly emotionally sensitive!

I have an upcoming trip that my partner has taken some of the shine off of with his expression of fears over it. I am going anyway. I will do what I can to allay reasonable fears, but I am not going to have my life ruined. It’s not easy though!

We’re here for you!

with compassion, pearl.

[dacoming]

Thanks Pearl!  I do find more peace by reading and posting on this site.  Sometimes it's good just to get things off my chest and see that I'm not losing my mind.  It's amazing how so many people on here have similar stories than mine.

When I got home, it seemed she was trying to get something started with me but I didn't bite.  Later she apologized and told me she loves me.  As far as the job in Atlanta, we never directly talked about it but we were both talking about the move at different moments as if we're going.
She's paranoid that she's going to lose me.  One minute she's fine, the next she's flipping out with false assumptions and accusations.  I hope she stays on track with it because I do not want to be forced to choose this job or our marriage.  If I turn down this job, I know I will regret it!  I has been my dream to cross over into HR, Employee/Labor Relations using my experience as a labor paralegal.  Many have told me my only chance was to move a few grades down and move back up.  But with this offer, I get to stay where I'm at and will move up a grade after a year.  It's a blessing from God!

[isilme]

I think that while she has been harping and complaining about Texas and stating she wants to move, she is in a place where it's the devil she knows, and that is comfortable after a fashion, even if she claims it's the worst thing in the world.

Change is scary for everyone.  Even change we want.  Now, imagine how scary that is for a person who can't manage their emotions very well on a normal day.  My husband can have his day ruined simply because the store was out of something.  Imagine how well he deals with things like moving? 

He wants to take trips... .but fights me each step of the way.  He wants to take care of some things in the house... .but fights me each step of the way.  He wants to work on art and craft projects... .but grumbles and claims to hate every minute of it.  Basically, he likes to complain about things he's not doing, ignoring that only he is stopping himself from doing them.  I think the emotional release from the act of complaining is far more satisfying and less scary to him that actually doing most things.  Remembers, pwBPD have trouble processing and owning their emotions.  They have coping skills, but they are skewed from what is easily understood, and often involve lying to themselves, rewriting history, and projecting these feelings onto others to do the mental gymnastics needed to maintain their worldviews. 

The grass is always greener.  Annnndddd, the idea of something is always better than the risk of failure that can happen from actually trying it. 

With BPD, your W is going to latch on to any explanation she can to suddenly hate this move, this idea of a new job.  Since fear of abandonment is almost hardwired into BPD, she will grab that idea and hold on, and ret-con your lives to make this fear make sense to her.

If the move was just to placate her, I'd caution against it, because she has to manage her own feelings - you can't uproot each time she decides she hates something.

But since this is great opportunity for you, I'd instead work on SET and DEARMAN and work to slowly make it clear this is what she asked for, it's good for the whole family, you will be closer to your relatives, she will be out of Texas, and you will be able to not take a pay cut.  (The fact it's what you want will just reinforce that you are being selfish.  Make sure to mention things she stated as positives).  It will be like a long-term ad campaign.  You also need to find ways to remove yourself from her comments and attempts to pick fights over it. 

You can't fix her emotions.  So, taking this job is not intended to fix them or hurt them - it's just a good opportunity, and needs to be taken. 

[dacoming]

If the move was just to placate her, I'd caution against it, because she has to manage her own feelings - you can't uproot each time she decides she hates something.

But since this is great opportunity for you, I'd instead work on SET and DEARMAN and work to slowly make it clear this is what she asked for, it's good for the whole family, you will be closer to your relatives, she will be out of Texas, and you will be able to not take a pay cut.  (The fact it's what you want will just reinforce that you are being selfish.  Make sure to mention things she stated as positives).  It will be like a long-term ad campaign.  You also need to find ways to remove yourself from her comments and attempts to pick fights over it. 

You can't fix her emotions.  So, taking this job is not intended to fix them or hurt them - it's just a good opportunity, and needs to be taken. 

Thanks for the reassurance.  Everything in me is saying take this job.  But I do care how she feels about it.  She's not going to feel any more insecure there than she does here.  She's made false accusations everywhere we've been and will never feel comfortable.  I truly see there's nothing I can do about it. 

As mentioned, she's been trying to guilt me into moving almost since we got here.  I've pretty much resisted until recently.  Now it seems like a win for both of us.  There are a couple of negatives but the good outweighs the bad. 

[GaGrl]

PM me about Atlanta... .I've lived here 40 years. And I'm in the HR community.

[pearlsw]

Hi dacoming,

As this is a dream for you career-wise I would personally lean towards taking the job and the family along. I agree with islime that his will require some use of the skills here to talk about it and get some buy in from your wife.

I think the tools of Don't JADE and Validation are worth using at all times when trying to communicate in a healthy and effective way with our partners.

But in my experience, despite all they say, our partners often need us to be the emotional leader and I think you can lead on this or at least try!

What kinds of conversations will be upcoming on this topic?

wishing you the best, pearl.

[dacoming]

Pearl, she is on board now.  She seems to flip drastically and then changes back to where we were before on it.  She's sent out a couple of threats in the event I cheat on her out there.  This bothers me a lot because I haven't cheated on her before and don't ever plan to.  I hate being put in that category all the time when that's not even remotely who I am.  She brings up me cheating all the time, even in front of the kids, like it's a known fact.  She refuses to show me her "evidence" because she's waiting for me to own up to whatever it is.  She feels I won't "own up to anything" because I don't know what she knows so I'm scared I'll tell her something else that she doesn't know.  This has been going on for years.  When I get upset, she sees that as guilt. 

[pearlsw]

Hi dacoming,

Thanks for the update! So are you heading there first and then she and the rest of the family will join you later?

Have you seen this resource? Stop Accusations and Blaming

Let us know what you think if you have time to check it out!

warmly, pearl.