Getting the hang of SET

[Calmcollected]

I have been voraciously reading everything. My texting skills with SET are getting really good. In person not as good, but im hearing clues when we are conversing.
He met me today, but when i got outside his truck he was on the phone with his daughter (who hates me) it was cold, so I went inside and waited in the lobby. When he came in, i was on the phone doing work. He automatically assumed i was angry with him because i didnt wait outside. He apologized and said he was getting directions on where they were camping this weekend in case something happened. *Cue need for validation* He then said “but you dont care about that” i didnt respond, because frankly, I dont care about her. No matter how good I've been to them, they treat me like crap.
More talking, once we get outside, I ask if he wants to go get breakfast and it turned into world war three, where i walked away, got in my truck and left. We were at a business location and it wasn’t appropriate.
I sent him a message and I jaded. He responded with its iver, dont talk to me, I took a few minutes and remembered everything I’ve been reading.
Number one that stuck out was you need to use SET before they dysregulate or it wont work and there goes a couple of weeks. I keep screen shots of the principles of SET and sentence examples. 
I went to work. I addressed the jading portion.
I love you and I want to be here to support you. I know youre stressed about business stuff, business stuff, business stuff & the truck breaking down. Its a lot all at once. It doesn't help when I add my feelings to the bunch.
We can work on staging the house and getting the photos done later this weekend. I think the problem might be the bathroom is scaring people off. Lets get the wall off so we can get (plumber) out there to get it fixed. . I can get the parts until that cheque comes in. Im going to get my financial papers ready for my divorce tonight and tomorrow so I can get a payout and get an offer in on (house we’re looking at) so we're not homeless. I love you boo boo and I don't want to fight anymore.”
“Im sorry I walked away from you at the bank. It made you feel disrespected and not important to me. You do matter, I needed a little break to pull my emotions together. Its been a tough week and Im a little overwhelmed with the increase in my business.”
I also separated each issue.
“I also care that you needed to find out where the kids were camping. Of course thats important. They are a part of you. I went and waited inside because the wind was cold from the lake and I knew you wouldn't be long. I was on the phone with (graphic designer) settling my bill for the graphic design work she did for us. Im doing a wedding at the (Hotel) today and tomorrow. I'll call you tomorrow. You matter to me crab apple.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Calmcollected,

Thanks for sharing these insights and examples with us! (Crab apple? How sweet!  )

Here is a link to SET for anyone who wants to read or review this skill!

Can you tell us more about how your partner reacted?

with gratitude, pearl.

[Calmcollected]

Normally he would not respond to texts, or take my call. I had sent him another after that telling him about a funeral order i had received for a 3 year old boy and i had to do a spongebob theme. I own a flower shop. He had lost two kids that age as well. I also lost 2 children. Its one of the things that bonded us together when we met. It wasnt expressions of undying love, but he let me know about something that had happened that we were waiting together to find out about. Normally there would be silence for a couple of days and i would totally be ignored. He wil often say i need to let things calm down, that I dont allow that to happen. In his case when he dysregulates, i know he meeds space and to be left alone. I dont believe its abuse, but a self preservation tactic.

[pearlsw]

Hi Calmcollected,

It's hard for me to tell, but do you two live together? Is a lot of your communication via phone/text, not in person?

How do you deal with his kids? What makes that difficult?

warmly, pearl.

[Calmcollected]

We dont live together, but by the end of the summer we will be. I believe, as a former nurse in mental health that 2 out of 5 kids have BPD a third leans towards sociopathy. I have nothing to do with the third as he is a drug dealer, verbally abusive to me and brags openy about manipulating his dads relationships. Part of his patholgy I’m sure is induced by the large quantities of drugs he uses himself. He is a dangerous person. I have a great relationship with his one son, and his other daughter we rarely see, but we used to babysit her girls all the time. The daughter I’m certain has BPD, i dont interact with. She sees me and there is hate in her face, pretty much from the beginning. A big part of this is due to her mothers influence. Alcoholic, prescription med abuse. His 17 year old son has become estranged, but they are slowly building back a relationship.
We talk many times a day and see each other almost daily.

[pearlsw]

Hi again, 

Very sorry I didn't mention it before, but sorry about the loss of your children! 

Do you the think the plan to move in together will happen? Or do you experience a lot of break up threats/break ups, etc.?

Does your background in mental health help with relating to him and his needs would you say?

take care, pearl.

[Calmcollected]

My background helps, but because i was so close to it, i didnt see it for the first 2 years. I thought I was dealing with PTSD only, I didnt suspect BPD until it was suggested to me and a loud bell began to ring. I started counselling for myself as a support system last month. I believe we will be moving in together as he has to sell his place to pay off debts from a bad business deal. I can feel the push and pull regarding that. Now that I recognize things, its easier to deal with. He pushes and I just continue on like nothing is happening, then he comes back. It was hard in the beginning as I wanted to pull him closer, but the more I give space, the better it is.
Tonight he said, you keep saying I matter, but I dont matter to you. Ive been telling you for years that I hate it when you change the subject so quickly and you dont listen. (I have what I suspect is ADHD and I’m finally getting tested for it. I tend to jump from subject to subject.
He has been reading and taking in the texts because he repeated words I said.
Lately there has been push, but I find when there is about to be big changes, that happens and then it gets calm quite quickly. Wen we’re together, its like teenagers in love. He “pulls” my pigtails so to speak.
The blow ups can be over small inconsequential things, but now Im starting to recognize the emotions that are hapening behind them and address them accordingly.
Now that the kids are out of the house, it is much calmer.