Am i crazy?

[somanytears]

Hello guys I'm new here i just posted in another section so some of you may know my story, but id like some options because this roller coaster has left me distraught and feeling abandoned. I am just ending a relationship with someone who I believe has BPD based off of the things I've seen with her over the last 8 years of being together.  we do have a son together we are both very young we had him when we were 15 and are both now 20. i have suffered from depression and horrible anxiety since our split, i have been trying to make sense of this sudden shift for months now until i stumbled across the definition of BPD while reading and researching it sounds very much like she does have this, however she claims she is fine and is very happy now since the split. she also says her family hasn't seen her this happy in a very long time which makes me feel incredibly insecure and now doubting if she might have BPD or if i was just an ass that caused her to be depressed but id like to show you guys the things i had to deal with throughout the years and maybe can get a better opinion. when i met her she always was very insecure and already had problems she would constantly talk of wanting to kill her self or run away from home because of her family and personal life.  at school she was the girl who was frequently passed around because she was easily influenced she was taken advantage of but never seemed to realize it her friends convinced her that jumping from one relationship back to back was normal, because of this she was labeled a slut and whore at school and this made her feel horrible. we stood together for years after this but through out time we were together she became very erratic. she became a pathological liar constantly making these elaborate lies or just unnecessary ones in what she says fear of disappointing me, i had never been the abusive partner to scream or demise her if she had done something to upset me id always become distant or just be annoyed but never abusive to be afraid of disappointing. she held me high always talking about me to family friends countlessly expressing how much she loved me and i think maybe thats why i fell so hard for her in the beginning because she absolutely held me high. she also had a very poor image of her self though constantly feeling not good enough or like a failure or in her words a "horrible Person" and she never had the drive for her future she always said she didn't know what she wanted to do because she doesn't like much so she didn't have much of a drive for achieve much. when we would argue she would have horrible anxiety attacks often blacking out and not remembering what had happened before the black out. there were also plenty of times when she would wake up a completely different person one night happy the next mad, down or suicidal. she constantly expressed thoughts of suicide and eventually told me she would hear voices in her head that told her to kill her self or would tell her that i am lying to her about certain things. the relationship suddenly went downhill within the last two years during our senior year she out of the blue left me saying she wasn't feeling us anymore but then i found her with another guy a few days later she ended up begging for forgiveness two weeks later and i took her back. once we graduated she had difficulty doing college so she dropped out and found a part time job in which she expressed she would never be good at and was scared of being fired. socialization always scared me because when ever she communicated with other guys it was always in a flirty way and most of them would end up liking her and she wouldn't see it that way. she would get very attached to them as the last few months passed by her depression got severely worse and she was scared to be alone so she begged me to move in with her and i did i moved into her parents house with her and it felt as if we reached paradise we were extremely happy for the first three months the depression had gon away and we were good. then out nowhere she changed her mind and didn't want to be with me anymore i told her i couldnt go back home so soon so i stayed there for a few more months separated we were off and on trying to make it work until last december when we had finally felt as if the rough patch was over the whole month was filled with love and happiness she talked of having more kids again,(she constantly begged for more kids and marriage) and talked about wanting to get married and finding our own place we even started looking at places to find and suddenly just as fast as i got her back i lost her again but this time for good three days after taking about the future she said she was done she told me over the phone while we were in a different room i asked her why and she said she didn't feel it anymore. two months later i moved out because she got very distant from me while i was there ignoring me when i came home from work, avoiding me telling me i made her uncomfortable so i left. i became very depressed in those last two months and on my last day she saw the pain and filled it with empty promises telling me shed always be here for me that i could come to her to talk i felt as if she cared. a week later i asked to see her but she denied me  claiming she was scared that i was stalking her i told her i wasn't and then she apologized the next week i find out she's having another guy over late at night the guy i was frequently told was just a friend if that even though he made her a cake for her birthday which had passed two weeks before i had moved out. i was devastated and told her i needed space from her after that she completely cut me out of her life calming i was the soul root of her depression her problems. she demonized me and continues to do so we have had little patches of communication where id see how she was doing here and there she told me about three different love interests in a spand of a month talking about the mazing connections she had with these people each of which only last about two weeks until it was the next one. today i saw her and had expressed my concerns of potential BPD and she complete denied having problems despite reading the list of traits she said she didn't reflect any of them and that she had only felt that way while she was with me, she even went as far as to tell me that her family said this was the happiest they've seen her in a long time. she tells me that and now i doubt myself was i just an ass for pushing her to do her best for our son or does she really have something. her family was aware of depression but did not know the full extent of everything because she didn't want me to tell them everything and i respected that in fear of making things worse. she only expressed these habits and came to me when it got bad no one else so I'm the only one that really seen the absolute negatives. it hurts me to think I'm the cause and that she's so happy and moved on already its only been three months since I've left but she's practically cut out all aspects of communication and just hates me now. we never left on horrible terms, i never abused her or took advantage of her i influenced a lot of things and choices she made but it was because of how easily influenceable she was. I'm just very lost and am now feeling like i was the cause of her pain.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi somanytears and ,

You're in the right place for support and will find that many stories here have similarities to the behaviour you describe.  Although we cannot diagnose BPD - only a trained professional can do that - it does sound as though you've encountered some traits in your ex partner.  We can understand the pain and turmoil you are going through.  For someone so young you've been through a really tough time of things.  I'm very sorry to hear about the way this has ended for you.  That has to be really hard, especially with a young son in the mix.  :)o you have contact with him?

when i met her she always was very insecure and already had problems she would constantly talk of wanting to kill her self or run away from home because of her family and personal life.

I know you are feeling like you are the cause of her pain and that's why I've quoted the above to remind you that this girl was troubled when you met her.  What you have seen is her maladaptive coping mechanisms in action and these are learned behaviours which will happen in other relationships.  Whilst we must take responsibility for our part in a r/s, try not to lay all of the blame for things on yourself.  Many of us go through this and I feel for you.  What support do you have around you right now?  I'd advise you to connect with family and friends who love you and to take really good care of yourself as you go through this very difficult time.  Read all you can here, especially the articles to the right side of your screen, which will help to answer some of the questions you may be struggling with.  Also I'd encourage you to involve yourself in other discussions, as there is much to be learned here as everyone is in various stages of healing from situations like your own.

I'll look forward to hearing more from you.

Love and light x