2 Questions about uBPD sister

[butterfly0323]

I'm pretty sure that my sister has BPD.

I'm 30, she's 36. We're the only children in the family.

Growing up, she caused a lot of drama in the house. Every special event (holidays, family vacations, birthdays, etc.) were ruined because she complained, threw tantrums, and made it a living hell.

My parents never stood up for me. My parents never built up my self-esteem to stand up for myself. Instead they coped by telling me to ignore her, stay out of her way, and don't upset her.

From an early age, I was my mom's emotional support system. She would often cry and I would have to be there for her. She became very attached to me, as a result, and would always thank me for taking care of her.

My dad would just shut down and try and ignore everything- watch tv, etc.

As a teenager, my sister was bulimic, cut herself, lots of tantrums, lots of rebellious behavior. This continued into her 20s.

She tried to sabotage my relationship with my husband by spreading rumors about him when we were dating. When she realized we were going to get married, she was jealous and basically raced me to the altar... .marrying four months ahead of me. I confess, I was really relieved because I knew if she didn't get her spot in the center stage before I did, that she would make my wedding day miserable.

She still causes drama- says my family is never there for her, that I'm a terrible sister, etc. I've never, not once, ever heard her genuinely apologize or say "I love you" to me. She also never wants to hear about my life. For example, I've traveled extensively all over the world and she never asks how my trips were- but I'm expected to listen to her talk for 45 minutes about what's going on in her life.

The funny thing is that nobody who isn't close to her would know any of this about her. She's very beautiful, smart, sociable, and charming. She's at the top of her field in her profession and people think she's just amazing. It's only the people who are closest to her (close relatives and select friends) who know what she's really like.

In fact, as a child, I somehow knew that this "secret" was never to be known- I'd cover up for her if she was in a cranky mood and I'd lie to friends and teachers about how wonderful the holidays were, etc. Nobody ever knew the truth that the holidays were spent with my sister throwing things, my mom crying in her bedroom with me consoling her and my dad watching tv.


So my questions are this:

How does she know how to behave in certain settings? How does she know it's "okay" to have a meltdown in front of family but how to act appropriate in front of others?

Does she love me? Has she ever? Is she capable of that?

Thanks.

[Turkish]

She knows it's ok to have a meltdown in front of family because it's been tolerated for decades. 

Her behaviors are a choice,  as are those who are targets.  Your dad was MIA and your mom was,  but she used you for support,  which sounds this: https://bpdfamily.com/content/was-part-your-childhood-deprived-emotional-incest

You shouldn't have had to step in for that degree of support as a young child.  It wasn't your job to be her therapist. How to deal with your sister was mirrored to you by your parents.  This is the past giving context to the present. 

If she is BPD traited, then her core feelings are likely,  "my feelings are inherently worthless, therefore I'm inherently worthless," and this is covered up by all sorts of attention-seeking behaviors. 

You've been hurting a long time.  We have tools here which may help open something up between you two,  in order to change the way you learned as you grew up,  basically trained (not knowing any better). https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

See the Read More link at the end for the discussion.  SET is one of the most basic tools to grasp, and this leads to validation, which I won't throw at you yet.  Take a look and tell us what you think?

We don't know what we don't know,  but you are in the right place to learn and gethe
support,  butterfly0323 



Turkish

[No-One]

Hi Butterfly0323:
I'd like to join Turkish in welcoming you to the Community. I'm sorry for your situation with your sister and collective family issues.

Has your sister ever received meds and/or counseling for any diagnosed mental health issue?

I've had a couple of people in my life with BPD traits.  The hardest thing for me to sort out was how someone could appear normal in the workplace, within a church community or among some friends, and then dump their emotional dysregulation on a partner or a relative (s).

Commonly, people with BPD traits (who haven't learned to manage their anxiety and emotions), save up their emotions and then dump them where they feel comfortable.  It is, also, common for someone to become a scapegoat and be split/painted black.  The person painted black becomes the target for a BPD person's dysfunctional behaviors (they become the dump site)

The only thing you have power over is yourself and the management of your own emotions and reactions.  Turkish gave you some good lessons/strategies to start with.  I don't want to overwhelm you, but if you go the the large green band at the top of the page, you will find a "Tools" menu.  I just wanted to make you aware of it for future reference. There are links there to some additional valuable information/strategies, when you are ready to explore more.   (The Boundaries link is a good place to start).  

Setting boundaries is an important step for you to take.  You can only set boundaries for things that you have control over.  Boundaries can help make things better for you.

The excerpts from the article at the website below could be helpful:

Setting Boundaries When a Friend/Relative Has Borderline Personality Disorder

It isn’t uncommon for friends or family of people with BPD to become a “dump site” when that person is emotionally dysregulated and needs to let it out. . .

Interpersonal conflicts are a constant in the life of a person with BPD. If you’re the go-to person who listens to her grievances every day, this may become a burden to you quickly. You may begin to dread seeing her number pop up when your phone is ringing. This is when it is time for you to set boundaries.

How to Start Setting Boundaries
People with Borderline Personality Disorder can be extremely sensitive. Know that setting boundaries when you haven’t before can initially be a minefield full of emotional bombs waiting to detonate. If you set boundaries lovingly but firmly and are consistent about keeping them, you will find that your friend’s/relative's expectations will adjust over time and you will be on the receiving end of a meltdown less and less frequently.

When you are setting boundaries with your friend/relative with BPD, try saying something like, “I love you and I cherish our relationship, but it is stressful and depleting to me emotionally when you unload on me. I will always support you, but I need to limit our phone calls to one a week from now on.”

You may get any number of unpleasant responses to setting a boundary. Remain patient with the process. When we ourselves have little experience in setting boundaries, it can trigger feelings of guilt. “She needs me. I’m the one person she can talk to.”

It’s important to understand that you are not responsible for your friend’s/relatives feelings or actions. Keep trying and keep reiterating your feelings with loving firmness. Listen to your inner voice and don’t let guilt overcome your ability to protect yourself from being taken advantage of emotionally.

Occasions generally have a degree of stress associated with them.   Stress in generally brings out the worst in people with unmanaged BPD traits.  It's not necessarily that your family gathering is the entire source of stress.  A family event is an opportunity for your sister to dump her emotions that stem from all recent aspects of her life (work, her own household, etc).

The tips below could be helpful for the next family gathering:

5 Tips on Navigating the Holiday Season (and Family) with BPD
Have a plan:
Make sure you know what your BPD person's triggers are so that you can do your best to avoid them. . . Imagine, before the event, how the event will go and how you can appropriately respond to potential stressful moments.

Practice awareness:
Check in with yourself throughout the event. Be aware of sensations in your body. Are you breathing? Are you feeling tension in your shoulders? Make an effort to remove yourself from a potentially emotionally charged situation, either physically or by taking a moment to just breathe and be quiet within yourself. You can’t control the reactions and behaviors of others, but you can be in charge of your own.

Remember who you are:
You’re not 13 anymore, though it can be easy to fall back into that mindset when you’re around parents and siblings and people who have seen you through your many life changes. As you step into that childhood home, or that circle of childhood companions, take a moment to remind yourself of who you are NOW. Take stock of the positive things you know to be true about you. Be your own best friend at the event.

Remember who they are:
Keep in mind that your family members are probably not trying to be villains. Your sister has her own motivations for saying the things she says. Maybe she is feeling stress and is spewing her off-putting rhetoric in an effort to make herself look better. Maybe she hasn’t taken the time to take stock of herself before stepping into the family gathering. It can be a very freeing thing to realize that it’s not really all about you.

Recover:
If possible, it’s a good idea to plan for a day of recovery after the event. Even for those who don’t suffer from symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder, being with family can be exhausting and emotionally draining. If you can take some quiet time to gather yourself together, it can make it easier to transition back into life as you know it.

Hang in there, and take things a step at a time.  You will find that the strategies and communication skills you can learn here can give you an opportunity to enhance your own coping skills and emotional intelligence (EQ).  The skills can be helpful with more normal people in all aspects of life (work, friends, clubs, family, etc.), as well as with those with BPD or strong BPD traits.

[No-One]

Oops, I tried to add info. to my previous post, but ran out of time and it didn't update.  Regarding the question on whether you sister loves you, the dialog in the thread at the link below might be helpful for you to read.

CAN BPD'S LOVE?
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=114463.0

[Panda39]

I also want to add that unbeknownst to you some of the people she works with closely/regularly might actually feel like something is off... .but aren't experienced with mental illness so might ignore what they feel or see or they might not be able to articulate what they see.  People with BPD are really good at gas lighting (making you believe their reality) or projecting (projecting their feelings on to you) or blaming so even if you do see something and you do say something you can end up confused by the time they finish with you.

I experienced a narcissistic boss and I've been hanging around these boards for 4 years and it took me a while to realize what I was seeing. Knowing what I knew I still would not have discussed it with one of her family members.  So what I'm getting at is that others may actually see flashes of her behaviors but I am sure they would not tell you as her sister.

I'm really glad you have decided to join us this is a great place, for support, tools, and strategies for negotiating life with your sister.

Panda39

[Coral]

Does she love you?  Probably not since she's not capable of loving herself.

My BPD sister has a job that requires her to travel all over the country and only spend three or four days with people.  They think she is absolutely fabulous, charming, funny and a joy to be around.  IF they only knew... .  She stores up her hatred, snarls, and rotten emotions until she's in her hotel room or back home.
It must be exhausting for her to maintain this "front." 

She maintains a lively facebook page and if I only dared... .no, that's not true.  The wicked part of me would love to "out" her lies on facebook but my better sense wins out.  Life is better for everyone when she gets lots and lots of flattery (and sex). She's a combo BPD/Narcissist.  Oh, the joy. 

You'll find wonderful, friendly and most importantly understanding people here.  It's also a great place to learn strategies. I was in therapy for several years and credit my therapist with my sanity.

Please stay. Great things here!