I'm not quite sure what to do...

[BusyMind]

Hello,

I'm new here and a bit shy and nervous and I wasn't quite sure if this was the right place or category to post my question/dilemma, if it's not I apologise.

One of my friends who considers me one of her best friends, has been recently diagnosed with BPD amongst depression and anxiety and some form of PTSD.

After a good few weeks of her not being in contact with me hardly and me extending the olive branch, in which she said she had no excuses as why she'd not been in touch with me, I voiced my feelings on how I was feeling at how she'd treated me recently, since then she's ignored the messages I've send her and gone what I'd consider 'silent'. I want to help or get talking again to understand, but at the same time I also want to respect her need for space if that's what she needs too.

I'm not quite sure what to do or where to go from here and also why she'd go silent on me? Do I just leave her to sort whatever it is in her head out or? I'm just rather confused and a bit hurt because she admitted before she went silent, that she knows her 'bad' friends will probably leave her etc and that she does takes the good friends like me in her life for granted.

Thank you for any help or insight

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

I voiced my feelings on how I was feeling at how she'd treated me recently, since then she's ignored the messages I've send her and gone what I'd consider 'silent'. I want to help or get talking again to understand, but at the same time I also want to respect her need for space if that's what she needs too.

Hi BusyMind,

Your friend has quite a lot going on! Is this a friend or someone you have at some point also been involved with?

She may have gone silent again because she is overwhelmed with unpleasant feelings. If she has BPD regulating her emotions is a challenge for her. She may have felt bad and needed to get away from the pain I’d presume.

You might want to study this tool SET in order to learn a basic way to communicate with your friend.

I was just quickly reviewing it and I realize that this is how I actually helped teach my partner with BPD traits to talk to me! He had trouble knowing what to say to me, he can’t think on his feet while under stress, and so I taught him some basic phrases he memorized.

In your situation just try to learn these concepts and it could help you get through to your friend more easily.

You might give it some time and then say something friendly and kind to her to see if she's ready to talk again.

wishing you peace, pearl.

[BusyMind]

Thank you for your reply Pearl, she's just a friend we've never been involved romantically.

I'll definitely check out the S.E.T and see if that could help in opening up communication and for me to learn more in this sense.

You could also be right about her experiencing pain given the circumstances of what has occurred recently, I guess I sometimes feel I don't know if I'm coming or going when she seems to disappear from communication with me yet tells me I'm one of her best friends and things, but continues to talk to these other friends who she considers not as good friends as me, it just gets a bit confusing.

[pearlsw]

Yes, it is! I was just talking to my SO recently about a time he gave me the silent treatment. Nothing that I could perceive set it off, but he stopped talking to me for a month and a half. We did not live together at the time. I tried and tried to contact him and finally had the strength to give up. Soon after we were in contact again. He finally got in touch.

He said recently he did this to test me. I was shocked. But I think it was a little bit of him being overwhelmed, not ready to date at the time, but also this new twist - testing me to see if I really loved him. I asked him if it mattered how I felt, that he must have known from my messages how hurt and confused I was. I think it did not matter so much to him at the time. He seemed sorry about it now though. Who knows!

Has she done this to you before? Is this typical?

[BusyMind]

The testing part sounds right, she's said to me in the past that she's surprised I'm still around and have not like left and gone, she's thought I might have done because of her past behaviour.

She's done it before yeah and then been all apologetic after she's done it, she has also mentioned in the past that I know her rather well and that she's not had this before from someone. I suppose I get confused because of how random it seems to be

[pearlsw]

The testing part sounds right, she's said to me in the past that she's surprised I'm still around and have not like left and gone, she's thought I might have done because of her past behaviour.

She's done it before yeah and then been all apologetic after she's done it, she has also mentioned in the past that I know her rather well and that she's not had this before from someone. I suppose I get confused because of how random it seems to be

My SO has said this too, that’s he surprised I’m still around. I am too at times! (Some of it is the giant ocean outside!) It is hard to shake notion of wanting things to work out, no matter what a long shot it is!

I think about all you can do is try to lower the emotional stress of interactions, or at least try, and you might see a difference.

Sorry you are experiencing this! It’s hard to get our minds around such behavior!

[BusyMind]

I must say I'm surprised I'm still around too sometimes!

The emotional stress angle is a good idea for sure, especially if she's in this frame of mind,its worth a go.

Thank you! It's very hard and rather frustrating, I guess it sometimes feels like it's rather one sided and I'm making an effort in trying to improve things and improve communication, and yet all I get is the silent treatment, when she starts to behave this way

[pearlsw]

Hi again,  

I think it is possible to do a relationship that is not perfectly 50/50, or even one where we work a bit harder and are an emotional caretaker. But when we get to the point we aren’t getting much or anything in return it’s a time for some serious reflection. Silent treatment is a particularly bad sign for a relationship - when people withdrawal that much and don’t do repair work things are breaking down.

We can’t change her, but we can help support and encourage you! People often find that the most success (in not making things worse at least) is found when they are willing to look at themselves first and make changes.

It might help your frame of mind to focus on
Empathy

Hopefully others will join us soon and share their thoughts and experiences!

warmly, pearl.

[BusyMind]

Hey 

I agree about it not being 50/50 and feel it is possible to a relationship to be successful even if it's not exactly 50/50. It does feel sometimes like she said that she kind of takes the 'good' ones for granted, whether intentionally or not it does come across this way and it feels like we 'good' friends get the silent treatment and the not so good friends get interaction or whatever it maybe, it just gets rather confusing for me.

It's nice to have the help and support on this side of the fence for me as it were. I've not a problem about looking at myself this way, I believe in self improvement and that we should all exercise it

I'll certainly look at the empathy link for sure.

That'd be good if they did and share their own thoughts and experiences!

Your input is helping