Open to advise on two twin BPD younger sisters

[KLight]

 Hello, I’m trying out an online support group for the first time.  I have two younger sisters with all the traits of boarderline personality disorder. They are identical twins two years younger than me. 

We were raised by a single father after my mother chose to leave our family when I was 15.  My father wasn’t able to provide/enforce parental disapline for my sisters.  They grew up emotionally abusing each other, and emotionally abusing me together. They often lie to me, and I think they even lie to themselves. They steal from me. They also constantly gas light me and refuse to ever solve any conflict. They criticize in a way to intentionally hurt people. They no longer have any of their childhood friends.

I have struggled my whole life to find a way to have a relationship with them without subjecting myself to their abuse, mood swings, and criticism. I can hardly begin to explain the stress and pain they have caused me.

We are all now in our early 30’s and their emotional abuse hasn’t stopped. I have tried very hard to set healthy boundaries with them for myself because interaction with them that starts nicely, quickly takes a turn for the worst as their moods flip. For the past few years I have avoided interaction with them all together and things have felt a lot better for me.  It’s not the solution I had hoped for, but they don’t have any interest in seeing themselves the way I feel the world does. They have no interest in how their behavior affects others.

I recently got engaged to an amazing man and we are planning our wedding.  My dad wants my sisters to attend, but I’m worried that only pain and suffering will result from interacting with them again.  I have participated in individual therapy myself, as a victim of an abusive family and the role I myself play in conflicts and tolerating abuse, but no other member of my family is interested in doing the same.  I feel that there is no hope of a civil relationship with my sisters for even a single evening without rollercoaster conflict inevitably occurring.  I feel that they aren’t capable of being happy for other people.

I know that I probably won’t find the answers here, but I thought perhaps someone older and wiser that has abusive sisters with BPD could offer some long term advise, or even simply some things that have worked for them to get through an evening without overwhelming heartbreaking drama. If there was a way to have my sisters at my wedding without them trying to intentionally hurt me, I would wish for that option.

[Notwendy]

I have a mother with BPD.  She causes drama. Major events are especially difficult because of the stresses involved- multiple family members together, someone is the center of attention.

My mother has caused drama at several family events.

Please read the info here about FOG: fear, obligation, guilt. I think many of us struggle with obligation, the feeling we need to honor the relationship. So many times I have heard : but she's your mother so you should... .

Yes, she is my mother but she is also a disordered and abusive person.

When I got married- many years ago, I was enmeshed with my family and also knew I had to oblige my mother in order to please my father. I was the bride but it was my mother's social event and she was the center of attention. Most of the guests were her family and friends. The guest list was a list of obligations- you have to have so and so.

This didn't stop when I was planning family celebrations and events surrounding my own children. BPD mother would present me with a guest list and an order ( not a request) I insist you invite these people.

Finally, once I said no and the response was as expected. She was not pleased. Other times I obliged her, at extra cost for the additional guests just to keep the peace.

I don't really enjoy looking at my own wedding pictures.  It isn't because I was not happy getting married- it was a happy day for me. It is because "I" wasn't there. The wedding didn't reflect me. I felt like a dress up doll at my mother's grand event.  I understand that weddings are about family- and often become a combination of the parents and the bride in some ways ( especially if parents are paying) but I also think the focus of a wedding is on the couple getting married and how they want to observe their special day.

From my own experience, I would tell you to honor your wish to not to invite your sisters. This is your day and you deserve to have it be a happy one that reflects you. Your father may be sad about that, but he has the choice to attend or not if you don't invite your sisters. I hope he chooses to be there anyway. Ultimately though, you are starting your new life and your new family- make it a day you will cherish long after that.

Did you see the royal wedding? This was a couple that was laden with traditional obligations- a British royal wedding has a protocol. Yet, they made it their own too. Meghan included the clergy and the music she wanted. I have read that she has some dysfunctional family members- and Meghan didn't include them. The warm relationship with her mother was apparent. Watching the ceremony it seemed clear that the young couple held their ground between expectations and having their own wedding. I hope you can give yourself permission to make your wedding day yours.