He tried to lure me in again

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Asking for time and space seems like a sensible thing to do.  The only question I have is, do you think you'll really be getting the time and space you need if you invite further conversation? 

I have no idea. But would I invite further conversation with that message? It's just so unfair of him to expect that I'll be there again as soon as he needs me, after all he has done to me. I really don't understand how he doesn't see how he has treated me and that it's ridiculous of him to expect me to come back to him. He has treated me like garbage. Every time he discards me so easily, and than after a few weeks or months suddenly he needs me again and misses me. And this time it's even worse. He literally says that it won't work between us anymore, but that he just wants me for 'a while'. And he thinks that I'm complex and difficult that I don't want that? So crazy.

So far he seems to be confusing you and my slant on that is that sometimes we can imagine that we are speaking to an emotionally stable individual whose views are not distorted frequently by shifting moods.  So we expect and imagine that we will have the sort of responses that we would get with others who aren't mentally ill.  We can dwell on what is said and try to make sense of it based on our understanding of what a normal and emotionally healthy person might mean or intend. 

There came a point for me where I no longer felt affected by the positive or the negative things that my ex said or did, because it fluctuated so much and all sort of became a blur of pointless details that were no longer relevant.  Your ex lives in the moment.  His reactions are based on how he feels there and then, and this changes.  So he tries one approach, it doesn't work, then he tries another.  That doesn't work and he may get mad.  Or he changes tact and gets apologetic.  This is all with a view to having a need fulfilled. 

Perhaps it's time to put your needs ahead of his.  Requesting that he not contact you may feel scary, but it would give you perspective and does not need to be a forever thing.  How about you state that you could use a month without hearing from him so that you can focus on detaching and healing?

Love and light x     

You explain it very clearly, thank you HQ. I think that view of having a need that needs to be fulfilled is very much the case with my ex. It's so strange that in one conversation he can say so many different things and his mood changes so suddenly. He is literally saying things that are the exact opposite of eachother in the space of a few minutes. So weird to see that and realise that. It hurts so much that the need that he needs to have fulfilled is just seeing me and having sex with me, not even really having me back in his life. It's so disrespectful, it makes me feel like I am nothing to him.

It would be a good idea, only the problem is that in two weeks we are both going to the same music festival where we will probably see eachother a lot. I'm not sure if it's a good idea to request no contact before that, because he might lash out at me when he sees me there then.

[blooming]

Asking for time and space seems like a sensible thing to do.  The only question I have is, do you think you'll really be getting the time and space you need if you invite further conversation? 

I have no idea. But would I invite further conversation with that message? It's just so unfair of him to expect that I'll be there again as soon as he needs me, after all he has done to me. I really don't understand how he doesn't see how he has treated me and that it's ridiculous of him to expect me to come back to him. He has treated me like garbage. Every time he discards me so easily, and than after a few weeks or months suddenly he needs me again and misses me. And this time it's even worse. He literally says that it won't work between us anymore, but that he just wants me for 'a while'. And he thinks that I'm complex and difficult that I don't want that? So crazy.

So far he seems to be confusing you and my slant on that is that sometimes we can imagine that we are speaking to an emotionally stable individual whose views are not distorted frequently by shifting moods.  So we expect and imagine that we will have the sort of responses that we would get with others who aren't mentally ill.  We can dwell on what is said and try to make sense of it based on our understanding of what a normal and emotionally healthy person might mean or intend. 

There came a point for me where I no longer felt affected by the positive or the negative things that my ex said or did, because it fluctuated so much and all sort of became a blur of pointless details that were no longer relevant.  Your ex lives in the moment.  His reactions are based on how he feels there and then, and this changes.  So he tries one approach, it doesn't work, then he tries another.  That doesn't work and he may get mad.  Or he changes tact and gets apologetic.  This is all with a view to having a need fulfilled. 

Perhaps it's time to put your needs ahead of his.  Requesting that he not contact you may feel scary, but it would give you perspective and does not need to be a forever thing.  How about you state that you could use a month without hearing from him so that you can focus on detaching and healing?

Love and light x     

You explain it very clearly, thank you HQ. I think that view of having a need that needs to be fulfilled is very much the case with my ex. It's so strange that in one conversation he can say so many different things and his mood changes so suddenly. He is literally saying things that are the exact opposite of eachother in the space of a few minutes. So weird to see that and realise that. It hurts so much that the need that he needs to have fulfilled is just seeing me and having sex with me, not even really having me back in his life. It's so disrespectful, it makes me feel like I am nothing to him.

It would be a good idea, only the problem is that in two weeks we are both going to the same music festival where we will probably see eachother a lot. I'm not sure if it's a good idea to request no contact before that, because he might lash out at me when he sees me there then.

[Cromwell]

I have no idea. But would I invite further conversation with that message? It's just so unfair of him to expect that I'll be there again as soon as he needs me, after all he has done to me. I really don't understand how he doesn't see how he has treated me and that it's ridiculous of him to expect me to come back to him. He has treated me like garbage. Every time he discards me so easily, and than after a few weeks or months suddenly he needs me again and misses me. And this time it's even worse. He literally says that it won't work between us anymore, but that he just wants me for 'a while'. And he thinks that I'm complex and difficult that I don't want that? So crazy.

Think about it from his point of view. You havent discarded him, so what is there to lose by him keeping you on his line?

If he manages to get what he wants, it didnt take more effort than a few texts or calls when he feels like it.

I dont call that "crazy" I call it a good strategy. Ive came across PD people before, they all had one thing in common, no shame in trying, where others might have, even if it would appear in socially unacceptable ways. What has he got to lose, if you turn him down hes got a phone book of others. It sounds like he is just pressurising you for sex and using that as a hook, he already knows that you believe he has cheated on you, so hes not going to put himself through a r/s again where he knows you will have that question mark over your head about him.

Brush the whole "feeling sorry for him, hes probably got BPD", if I described what your going through to anyone else they would simply respond "yea hes a player". So far thats all that his behaviour so far has amounted to from what youve written blooming. Giving him a get-out-clause label by an idea that he just cant help what he is doing I think is stretching it.

As far as being treated as garbage but then having contact here and there, yes its not very nice, but over time you sort of get used to it. By staying in contact it is an non-written signal to him at the same time that you are seemingly happy to tolerate it, so its less guilt on his part. (assuming he actually feels any at all in the first place)

[blooming]

Think about it from his point of view. You havent discarded him, so what is there to lose by him keeping you on his line?

Well the last time I was the one who ended it, because it was so clear that he was only using me for the company and wasn't interested in having a relationship with me anymore. But I found it a very difficult decision to make and he helped me with making it (saying things like "Why don't you just choose for yourself?", so he knows that of course.

If he manages to get what he wants, it didnt take more effort than a few texts or calls when he feels like it.

He won't though. I really hope I'm strong enough that he won't.

I dont call that "crazy" I call it a good strategy. Ive came across PD people before, they all had one thing in common, no shame in trying, where others might have, even if it would appear in socially unacceptable ways. What has he got to lose, if you turn him down hes got a phone book of others. It sounds like he is just pressurising you for sex and using that as a hook, he already knows that you believe he has cheated on you, so hes not going to put himself through a r/s again where he knows you will have that question mark over your head about him.

Brush the whole "feeling sorry for him, hes probably got BPD", if I described what your going through to anyone else they would simply respond "yea hes a player". So far thats all that his behaviour so far has amounted to from what youve written blooming. Giving him a get-out-clause label by an idea that he just cant help what he is doing I think is stretching it.

Do you mean that you think that he doesn't have BPD? But you're right, it shouldn't be an excuse. Especially because he doesn't want any help. Otherwise it might have been a different story. Still sucks though. I know what a wonderful person he is and can be underneath all that negativity.

As far as being treated as garbage but then having contact here and there, yes its not very nice, but over time you sort of get used to it. By staying in contact it is an non-written signal to him at the same time that you are seemingly happy to tolerate it, so its less guilt on his part. (assuming he actually feels any at all in the first place)

Also right. Yesterday he was talking again and again how guilty he was feeling that he gave me scabies (and before that herpes, even though he doesn't have it himself, was via a cold sore on his lips) and that he was so sad about it and he just wanted me to be happy. But he hasn't expressed guilt about cheating (because he denies it).

[Cromwell]

Interesting about the decision making process. My ex's favourite go to response if I suggested anything was "up to you" even when I recently offered my number. Sort of dilutes a bit of responsibility and makes out it was more something I wanted and she went along with. Maybe I'd say for myself the same as you watch for this in future. I did call her out on this before and she laughed but there is some importance of saying "no it's up to both of us do you want to or not".