How can I feel guilty for my hyper-reactions to someone bent on my destruction?

[gotbushels]

i think its less about guilt or innocence, right or wrong, and more about "i found myself in trying circumstances, acted badly, and didnt recognize myself. how can i learn from it going forward, and take what ive learned into healthier relationships in the future?"

Chynna I want to give you some support and encouragement on moving forward on this question from once removed. I think it can be a difficult question and I do want to share that we've all done things where we've wished we knew better.

And I thought " we all just tried to love someone who was basically unloveable as we know loving to be." So I was just questioning that. I do feel badly about some of my reactions to his nonsense. I didn't think I was capable of that.

Maybe someone else can chime in if they have an idea here, and I'd like to share this thing that might help. I think it'll help you create your own healing here.


Situation vs values and beliefs?
One afternoon--my ex was fighting with me over something. I 'had' to take a 30 minute timeout from a meeting to get on the phone with her.

• At the time, did I take the timeout by my own choice? Yes.
• At the time, was my timeout necessary? Yes, and I didn't recognise what I would really have wanted to know.
• At the time, did I violate my values and beliefs? Yes.

Why I feel guilt and shame?
Yes, it is just a meeting. But the thing is, it involved some relationships with people at work that were very valuable to me--lawyers, seniors from both the client and the company. There's also that crumby feeling of inconveniencing people I care about. I could go on. So I feel remorseful about that. A huge goof and boo-boo, in my mind.

So being aware of the basic facts of this example--despite feeling badly about what I did--perhaps I'm not "bad" or "immoral" after all.

What's the lesson?
So what can I learn and take into future relationships? Personally, I assume I've successfully avoided a person with strong pwBPD traits. From there, some learnings might be perhaps ... .

• I can recognise that the fairer I approach the outcomes of experimentation in the early 'testing' phases of my closest relationship--then the easier it will be for both partners later on. This then allows space for both my partner and I to set both expectations and boundaries for each other.

Grain of truth?
From there, I might consider working with a T to do the deep look at what grain of truth there was. I.e., "My parents don't want me but everyone else does! She cuts, bleeds, and tantrums for my time!" Do I get a 'fix' out of this Dr Maguire? Etc.


Simple.     Have a peaceful weekend.

[Cromwell]

Hmmm... .'intent' to hurt. I can't believe the my xbf did not have the intent to cause me a great deal of pain. He knew what he was doing. At the very least he could have been a better communicator and not assume that I knew what was in his mind and heart (when his actions could be so confusing ). Sins of omission... .there seemed to be at least 2 sets of relationship values: 1 for the general public who's eyes were always watching & 1 for relationships. I'd say he was the master of compartmentalization. I do realize that there seem to be gender differences... .

There may well have been a clear evil intent to hurt you, for whatever reason.

What matters ultimately is if someone has remoarse for what they have done.

Whilst my ex never apologised or even admitted to the things she did, I do believe she felt remoarseful, even if that might have comprised more of feeling a bad person for the damage she caused rather than having a desire to make things better. Her way of alleviating guilt or showing remoarse was to give plenty sex and keep me in good spirirts for awhile. Once she had repaid her debt to society, was refreshed, it was time to do something else destructive, feel bad afterwards, compensate.

Realising that this was a perpetuating cycle that had no clear vision of ever ending is what I eventually had to understand and drag myself away from. There is some sort of strong compulsion to sabotage any relationship when its going well, Ive learned a bit about why that might be, but the main point is it makes little difference to changing anything.

Id say I felt more guilty for choosing to be with someone who acted in ways that were destructive to me. We all have a choice to walk away, and this is where personal responsibility comes in and not blaming the other. I can also expect if I would have ever fully confronted my ex, she holds the trump card to everything "yes I did hurt you, I feel bad about it, but I have BPD, you know this I told you/warned you, and I cant guarantee there wont be more to happen in future".

[Chynna]

I agree ... .many similarties to my r/s here. I recall one incident where he very insulting name-called over something that involved a very simple solution. (And then of course a very extended ST followed) When that finally blew over, I asked for an apology b/c he hurt me very much. He replied: " I don't owe you an apology; I owe the Lord my God an apology." Always a no win situation, not that it was ever a game (for me).