Hi all, recently found out, trying to cope

[secretagent]

Hi all,

I've been in a close relationship with a BPD for almost 4 years, and we have a wedding planned for later this year. She recently had a major crisis and checked into a psychiatric center, where she was diagnosed with BPD. I immediately read "Stop Walking on Eggshells", and it describes her perfectly. I'm hugely relieved that her condition has a name and treatment options. She herself insists it was a "junk diagnosis".

After reading books on BPD recently, I've tried to be much more validating and supportive in my interactions with my fiancee. But perhaps I've admitted too many mistakes, because now she's angry that's I've "let her down so many times", and set an ultimatum: either I, by this Friday,  come up with a plan that would make up for all of my previous mistakes (an essentially impossible task), or she would cancel our wedding and call off the relationship that she now views as damaging to her. I've read that such "no-win scenarios" are common in BPD. Any suggestions on how to best respond?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi secretagent,

Well, that is a tall order!

Hopefully others will join us here and share their insights and strategies with us!

I think, off hand, these tools could help if you study them a bit:

Don't JADE.

SET

One thing I've learned is my partner makes a lot of threats to end the relationship. If I knew then, what I know now, I would not have handled it the same way. Back then there seemed to be reasons, he wasn't quite ready for our relationship I rationalized, I made him doubt us, I'll give him more chances, etc. But now, here I am, years later still dealing with relationship/break up threats, so, I blew it.

A relationship full of threats is no way to live. If you can do things now to prevent this pattern from getting more entrenched you'll be thanking yourself later.

If we can dial back a little of the drama here, what "mistakes" is she referring to if you don't mind my asking, and why does she think you damaged her so much? Any truth to that, but on a smaller scale, or... .?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[secretagent]

Hi Pearl,

Thank you for the reply. I've been trying to use JADE and SET for about a week now -- it does seem to bring down everyday conflicts, but I still got the ultimatum I mentioned. Relationship-ending threats, as well as declarations that it is over (later retracted) have sadly been common, especially in the last 2 years.

In terms of specifics of the situation, we're currently in the middle of an immigration battle. We decided to obtain residency in a foreign country, and since neither one of us has done it before, we both made mistakes in the process. It also went off the rails due to factors unrelated to our actions. My partner doesn't bring up her mistakes very often, but when she does, it's usually accompanied by severe self-hatred, so I don't bring them up without good reason. She has been pretty thoroughly reprimanding me for mine, though, occasionally accusing me of trying to deliberately sabotage her, but usually attributing them to stubborness, laziness, arrogance, lack of caring, misogyny, etc. She has told me many times that I have many problems, and there's definitely some truth to that, and I'm currently seeing a therapist. She is particularly sensitive to cases where she suggested a particular course of action that I didn't follow that later turned out to be correct.

Now she wants me to make up for my mistakes and come up with a detailed backup plan for what we would do if we fail in our battle to get residency in our current country. And a backup plan for the backup plan. If those plans don't pass muster, she is threatening to end the relationship. She wants both plans to be very detailed and consider a lot of factors, including timelines, especially with respect to our upcoming wedding, travel and moving logistics, budgets for all living expenses, quality of life, access to health care, climate, culture, immigration procedures and expenses, etc. We have had these conversations before, and she generally shot down my suggestions, but now she's convinced that I "refused to come up with a backup plan".  There is some truth in that -- I felt (and still do) it premature to make detailed plans to start a new life in a different country, when we have already invested so much in our current one and our immigration advisor assures us that we will get residency here.

Thanks again for your help, and any further suggestions are more than welcome!

[secretagent]

The situation changed. We're currently living separately, my partner had a rage crisis, and is upset with me for not promptly returning her urgent communications. She says that I abandoned her at the moment of direst need. She declared our relationship "over", said she would cancel the wedding, and asked me to refund all of her contributions towards the wedding, as well as prepare a detailed logistical plan for separating.

I very much want to marry her. Suggestions?

[pearlsw]

Hi secretagent,

Well, I can see how the immigration stuff scared her. She may be over the top, but there is a basis for her to have concerns.

I live in a foreign country and my status is through my BPD traits partner. He used it at times to create  insecurity and fear. He seems to have stopped now. A bit. I have residency now, but I still don’t see how I could ever get away from him here and live here alone if I wanted that option. It’s nice to know your options and have a lot of them.

It is important to validate, but I know you are not superhuman and can’t solve all problems.

Maybe nothing will be enough. Or maybe saying things like “If we can’t get residency here we can go back to my home country together” or something, you know the realistic options, would help?

These tools are worth studying and applying:

SET (oh, you are on this one already!)

Empathy

Validation

Are you talking at all now? I think she must be scared. I think you should try to talk if possible.

“I understand you are afraid. I care how you feel. The immigration stuff has solutions. We will find them.”

take care, pearl.

[secretagent]

I just spoke to her again. It didn't go too well.

I asked her how she felt, she replied that she spent the day discussing assisted suicide options with her family. I said I understood she was afraid, she denied it, saying she felt nothing. She said that she knows that the immigration problems have solutions, but she's leaving me for "refusing to have a backup plan", refusing to change", and "repeatedly letting her down". All of these have some truth to them, but definitely not the whole story.

One thing I do have going for me is that several days ago, I asked her for a list of all the times she recalled when I *didn't* let her down. I just got this list today, and it's pretty short. I'm thinking I can substantially add to it to remind her that I *have* been there for her most of the time. Is this a good strategy?

[pearlsw]

I just spoke to her again. It didn't go too well.

I asked her how she felt, she replied that she spent the day discussing assisted suicide options with her family. I said I understood she was afraid, she denied it, saying she felt nothing. She said that she knows that the immigration problems have solutions, but she's leaving me for "refusing to have a backup plan", refusing to change", and "repeatedly letting her down". All of these have some truth to them, but definitely not the whole story.

One thing I do have going for me is that several days ago, I asked her for a list of all the times she recalled when I *didn't* let her down. I just got this list today, and it's pretty short. I'm thinking I can substantially add to it to remind her that I *have* been there for her most of the time. Is this a good strategy?

She is discussing assisted suicide, as in she has some kind of illness and can legitimately arrange that at a clinic? Or she is threatening suicide?

Yes, sounds like she is very dysregulated right now. How long does it typically take for her to calm down again? Many members, with time, begin to notice such patterns. Of course this can vary.

So what does she feel so let down about?

Perhaps others can join us and share their insights as well?

warmly, pearl.

[BasementDweller]

 

Hi, secretagent!

I'm sorry to hear you are enduring this. One of the most often seen BPD behaviors is the break up/divorce threats, then the reversal thereof, then back around again. I have been with my partner two and half years, and have been discarded then forgiven about 20 times already. I too am dealing with an immigration battle, but I'm the immigrant and he's the native - which puts me in a similar, but slightly different vulnerable situation as yours. I feel your pain here - the BPD battles, on top of immigration worries. It's not easy.

It does sound to me like she is really scared and uncertain right now, but not really sure how to either self-soothe, or guide you in how to help her. The catch 22 is that you might not be able to right now. She's in a worried state and it's probably not really about you, but you're the scapegoat because you're there, and you can't just "fix it".

The things she feels let down about - are they genuine issues you both (or her) are facing, or is it just worries about things that aren't genuine threats? Is she open to the idea of you offering to work on a back-up plan together - and saying you value her input? Maybe letting her know you feel she is capable of contributing to the solution and you have faith in her will help?  Perhaps she's feeling helpless and needs a bit of coaxing? How are things going today?

BD

[secretagent]

Hi Pearl and BD,

Thank you for your help. When I asked her about "assisted suicide" she didn't give much detail -- I think it was mostly mentioned to get an emotional reaction from me.

Yes, she's definitely very disregulated. It's hard to say how long it will take her to calm down. This immigration situation is bringing out the worst. Normally she calms down in a day or two, but she has now spent over a month alternating between rage and suicidal depression. She has also taken the steps of leaving the country and checking herself into a psychiatric facility, neither of which has happened before in the almost 4 years we've been together.

The things that she feels let down about are a mix of genuine issues (but often exaggerated and seen in black-and-white terms) and worries about things that aren't genuine threats but trigger her feelings of abandonment or being violated/taken advantage of. She has contributed a lot to the solutions for our immigration battle -- in some ways more than I have -- and I keep telling her this at every opportunity. I offered working on a backup plan together and said I value her input -- she said it's too little, too late. But she didn't take our "meeting" off the calendar, as she said she would, so maybe there's hope.

[BasementDweller]

Oh, that sounds rough. Hopefully the meeting will happen and go well... .enough. Do you have any ideas what you might say in terms of plans/solutions? It might be good now to prepare yourself to validate a lot and not emotionally react if she tests you, as she may lainch the meeting with a list of thigs you haven't done good enough. hard to say, but I get that at home a lot. "We need to talk, BD - aaaaaaand you suck." 

Your situation is quite familiar to mine right now. My dBPDbf has been dysregulated for an entire month now too, and seems very fatalistic about how this can never work, and it's just "all bad". He's all over the place about how he wants to handle it and is both stalling and attacking intermittently. Lots of rage, hopelessness, blame, etc. It's really sad and I feel helpless watching this internal struggle he's having - and also blaming me entirely for.

The mention of suicide, while it's always something you must pay attention to, does in this case sound more like she is expressing hopelessness and not feeling any zest for life. Has she self harmed before?

[babyducks]

Hi secretagent

welcome to the family.    I'm glad you've taken the brave step of sharing your story here with us.   and I like your screen name.

I'm sorry for what you are going through,  there is a lot of large scale difficult issues in what you've written,  and people with BPD (pwBPD) often struggle with stressors.

You've gotten some good input in this thread.    I am glad you understand to not JADE, Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain.    And I am glad to hear you are working on being more validating.   

One thing I do have going for me is that several days ago, I asked her for a list of all the times she recalled when I *didn't* let her down. I just got this list today, and it's pretty short. I'm thinking I can substantially add to it to remind her that I *have* been there for her most of the time. Is this a good strategy?

I want to pull this apart a little bit and see what your thoughts are.     I agree with pearl, your fiance is very dsyregulated right now.   People with emotional dsyregulation disorder often over express their emotions during a dsyregulation.    Which is not to say their emotions are not real or painful or intense.  They are all of that.

So she's leaving for "refusing to have a backup plan", refusing to change", and "repeatedly letting her down".

If you engage in this conversation with her, try to prove that you've been there for her, provide her with a list that you've added too, do you think maybe you are validating the invalid here?    Could you be entering a circular argument?    an endless argument of I did this for you, but you didn't do this for me, but I did do XYZ, but you didn't do ABC.  and round and round it goes and what's the payoff?

She gets to dump her unpleasant and upsetting emotions on you.    You get to try and fix her unpleasant and upsetting emotions.    You both engage in a blame storm that's damaging to the relationship.    How do you add to this list without JADE-ing up a storm?   

I am going to suggest you may want to stop fueling this dsyregulation by participating in it.   Everytime the conversation comes up it adds to the emotional reactivity for both of you.    It can't help but too.   Does that make sense?    This is a bad example but the only one I can come up with at the moment.   Please don't take offense.    I have a dog who is terrified of thunderstorms.   The vet told me when a thunderstorm occurs don't try to reassure the dog or speak to it in baby talk because that convinces the dog that yeah thunderstorms must be terrible,  look how the human is working to reassure me.   Speak to the dog in calm but ordinary tones.    Use your normal speaking voice.    Don't add emotional reactivity to the storm.

Pearl mentioned SET - Support Empathy and Truth upstream.  (nice work Pearls).    SET was the tool that I got the hang of first,  it came easier to me than validation.     The thing about SET is the Truth part.    You said there was some truth to what she was saying.   I am going to ask a tough question.    What is your truth in all this?     What do you think is true,   what do you believe is true for you.


Here are my suggestions.   they are only suggestions.   I don't think you want to take responsiblilty for fixing all the problems she's mentioning.   It's not reasonable.  It's not sustainable.    It's not your job.   I think you want to slow down the pace of these conversations.   Build in a little calm down time for you to get your feet under you and her to return to emotional baseline.   It's perfectly acceptable to say "secretagent fiance... .I want to take a couple of days to think about some of this.   there is a lot going on, and I want to figure things out more.   I'd like to be in touch with you but I really want to take a few days to work through this."    in your own words of course.    I think you want to slow this down so you are both operating from a better place.

well that's a lot to digest.   what do you think?

'ducks

[secretagent]

Hi everyone, and thank you so much for your support and your welcome.

Yes, she's self-harmed before, and made what she calls "parasuicidal gestures". Warnings about JADE-ing up a storm are well-heeded but I think I'll still give the "times I haven't let you down" list a try because something like this has worked in the past. She was like, Wow, you *have* been there for me all this time.

We currently talk to each other by phone or Skype about once a day. That seems like the right frequency. Still, I think slowing things down in terms of emotionally intense conversation is definitely the right strategy -- thanks for the suggestion.

Thank you for asking the question about my truth in all this -- it led to a major improvement. I really tried hard to understand which part of the "refused to have a backup plan" is the truth. My original, entirely wrong reaction was "you never asked for a backup plan", which led to a major rage and self-harm episode, and her leaving the country. Here's what I now think it's all about: Before the immigration fiasco, which caught me off-guard, she expressed very legitimate concerns about changes in the political environment, alarming forum posts, etc., and essentially predicted exactly what ended up happening to our application. At that time, I was dismissive of her concerns, because I put more trust in the system than my partner's insights, which I attributed to excessive worrying. I told her everything was going to be ok and it wasn't. If I had listened to her insights, we would have been concerned enough to make a backup plan together, as partners. So, in this way, my actions really did lead to a lack of a backup plan. 

I called her up and did a detailed, heartfelt apology for this. It had an immediate effect, I could see her whole face change from stony cold to being deeply touched. She said this was the first time ever in our relationship that I've made such an apology without prompting from her, and I think that's right. So thank you again. Things are now a bit better.

[secretagent]

Hi again. Still at an impasse here. Her position now is that either I fix the mess I made (not having a backup for our immigration situation), or she breaks up the relationship. She wants a total and complete fix that would be compatible with everything we've already planned, including our wedding and honeymoon. I'm unable to provide one, and she can't either, therefore, she argues, the only solution is to break up. My suggestions that we work together on the best solution possible have been shot down in various ways, but mostly she says there is no solution, so it's pointless. She has said several times that she would send me an "official" breakup email, but none has arrived yet.

Suggestions?

[babyducks]

hi secretagent,

pwBPD will soothe their feelings of abandoment by abandoning first.    because they fear it, they will create it and thus feel like the 'master' of it.

does that seem to fit? 

if you chase, and pull she will push and back away.   she's managing her feelings by managing the distance between you.

I'd suggest a two week cooling off period,  or something like.   don't add any fuel to this circular argument.      Oh and maybe google circular arguments.


'ducks

[BasementDweller]

Hi again. Still at an impasse here. Her position now is that either I fix the mess I made (not having a backup for our immigration situation), or she breaks up the relationship. She wants a total and complete fix that would be compatible with everything we've already planned, including our wedding and honeymoon. I'm unable to provide one, and she can't either, therefore, she argues, the only solution is to break up. My suggestions that we work together on the best solution possible have been shot down in various ways, but mostly she says there is no solution, so it's pointless. She has said several times that she would send me an "official" breakup email, but none has arrived yet.

Suggestions?

Yikes. I'm so sorry. And cringing at how familiar that is. I'm getting the same (plus manic psychosis) and babyducks is absolutely right in everything she says. My partner does exactly that. That's classic BPD, every word of it.

I also suggest disengaging for a bit. One thing that helps me is to just tell myself (even if this doesn't sound very nice) that these are the ramblings of a mentally unwell person, and I do not have to take them personally. Picture if you were in the street and a random person walked up to you, and started spouting wild conspiracy theories, and they were obviously unhinged. You'd ignore it and walk away fast. You wouldn't believe that three-headed aliens with 40 eyes and 12 antennae and battery acid for blood were living in the sewer system, slowly poisoning the water supply, and plotting world domination.

Believe me, it's not easy. It takes massive amounts of strength to be told over and over that you're so easily discarded and a terrible person who deserves this. But we should remind ourselves that this isn't true and they are dead wrong when they say that. Yes, they're upset. Yes, their emotional dysregulation disorder actually makes them feel these things at times. They are disordered feelings - not facts. They are not true. We know that, even if they don't right now.

We have all been through break-ups with non BPD people. You know the passion has died, or there is no spark, or you both genuinely tried but it wasn't meant to be. A BPD "break-up" is a defensive assault meant to self-soothe and avoid being abandoned first. It's normally random or triggered by their own neurosis, not anything we have done. If my partner really wanted to leave he just... .would. He doesn't. He tries to bully me into being the one to do it. I got left once. By a man I really loved and he actually did love me. But he wasn't ready to continue another serious  relationship after a bad break-up he wasn't recovered from, and the fact that we were long distance. Like, across the Atlantic. But I lived with it, because he was rational and sincere in what he was saying. It wasn't a blistering attack that came monthly or weekly, then was revoked. I've also been through an amicable divorce after many years of marriage. It was genuinely the right thing to do. The difference is obvious.

[babyducks]

Hi secretagent,

How are you doing today?    how are you feeling?

I keep mentioning circular arguments too you.   and then I thought I should probably provide more information.   go ahead and click on this link:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0

She wants a total and complete fix that would be compatible with everything we've already planned, including our wedding and honeymoon. I'm unable to provide one, and she can't either, therefore, she argues, the only solution is to break up.

you don't want to go around and around in a pointless fashion hoping you can get her to understand,  you do want to take control of what you can -yourself.    you can take a time out. 

a time out doesn't mean you've given up or stopped trying.    it means you've taken a break.   

taking a break will allow feelings to settle and other ideas to appear.

'ducks 

[secretagent]

BasementDweller and babyducks, thank you so much for your help and support. I feel for you.

At my end, things are still not easy. I asked if we could take a break and she said no. Based on what I've read, when BPDs are distressed and disregulated it's not a good time to try to set limits, so I let it go. I missed a phone call from her once in the last week and got a raging email essentially saying that no one in her family would abandon her like that, and thus I don't deserve to be called her family. I do think I'm getting better at handling conversations with her, though.

She didn't send me a break-up email, but reformatted it into a long description of problems in our relationship and my contributions to them. Some of her comments are totally legit and I take full responsibility for my actions and character flaws. Some things I'm still struggling to wrap my head around, though, like her comment that I "refuse to come up with a backup plan to this very day". I'm not sure I know how to respond to that, and it continues to come up. I don't want to engage in a circular argument or be defensive, my suggestions that we work on it together are shot down (she views it as my mess and my responsibility to fix), as are my suggestions of actual possibilities for a backup plan (she is very good at finding reasons why my suggestions are unworkable). If I avoid mentioning it, then, in her mind, I continue to "refuse". I think what she really wants me to say is that the only viable backup plan is to cancel the wedding, and it was my character flaws and irresponsible actions that put us in this position. I personally don't think the situation is that dire, and there have been several hopeful signs that the immigration battle may resolve soon in our favor. Of course, I know better than to say this -- she will say that I haven't learned my lesson and continue to be irresponsibly optimistic. I continue to apologize for my decisions that put the wedding in jeopardy, and don't know what else I can do.

We have a joint counseling appointment tomorrow, and will see if anything comes out of it. Thanks again for all the help here!



 

[pearlsw]

Wow man! You just reminded me that my SO was talking to me the other day about arranging assisted suicide for himself. Gosh! The things I hear. I can't believe it is has gotten to the point that such talk is just part of the routine. Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Argh!

Um... .so, I think you have to be really, really careful not to JADE, you know? You are just gonna endlessly be defending if you do that. I just say that's not true once on stuff and leave it at that. If you get defensive that doesn't help. Sigh.

Yes, secretagent, depersonalization can help a lot. I got such a high level of verbal abuse this past weekend I was at my absolute limits. I don't want to be violent, but getting attacked on any level really... .well, it shows me what I want and don't want in life. It is simply too much. I don't want to be with someone who would generate such feelings of anger inside of me. But that's me. I respect that you are working this through. For me extreme anger in my life is an absolute limit.

take care, pearl.

[secretagent]

Hi Pearl, and thanks for sharing and the advice. I totally get suicide talk just becoming part of the routine -- that's been my experience as well. It used to shock and upset me at first, I would call her family, suicide hotlines, etc, but now it just seems normal. "I don't want to be alive anymore" and "I wish I was dead" is something she repeats a lot. Specific plans and even half-serious attempts (parasuicidal gestures as she calls them) are not uncommon. The worst was about a month ago, when we first found out about the immigration problem.

She went to the edge of a cliff, I lost sight of her for a moment behind some bushes and then she was gone. I looked everywhere, yelled her name, nothing. I totally thought she jumped. I called emergency services, they sent police and ambulances, they arrived and couldn't find her either. A helicopter, coast guard, and a K9 unit were dispatched to the scene. Before they arrived, one of the police officers spotted her on a ledge below the edge of the cliff. Apparently, she crawled down there. Eventually they got her back up, and she totally played it off like it was a big misunderstanding. She said she liked nature and found it relaxing to hang out on that ledge. The police sent her to a psychiatric facility, where she told the same story to the psychiatrist, and he totally bought it! She was so good, in fact, that towards the end, I felt like she was the doctor and the psychiatrist was the patient. In the end, he told her she didn't have a mental illness and released her.

Extreme anger is a big problem too, and sometimes I fear for my safety. Recently she grabbed a knife and started stabbing a cutting board so violently she bent the knife blade and broke off the tip. The look in her eyes... .absolute hatred and rage. She's only hit me once or twice, though, and never very hard, so at least she has some restraint. She would blame me for driving her to this state. Now that I know she has BPD, hopefully I can avoid some of the triggers... .

The crazy part is, this is an outwardly very successful, extremely intelligent, highly likeable, apparently well-adjusted person. Very few people see this side of her. I'm sure that most wouldn't believe it if I told them some of the things she's done. But that too, I understand, is very common with BPD.

[babyducks]

hi secretagent,

you mentioned that you were going to have your first joint counseling session.  How did that go?

I can relate to much of what you have written.    The outwardly successful extremely intelligent with no overt signs of disordered thinking.    I can relate to a lot of the behaviors you described.    I know it's very hard to live with.     

I can also relate to not feeling safe.   There was violence in my relationship.   You said she's only hit you once or twice.    that's concerning secret agent.   hitting is never okay.   not for any reason.    never.

do you think this is something you need to draw a boundary around?   if your joint counseling session went well,   can you work to draw the boundary with the help of your therapist?

how would you handle hitting now?    Now that you know more about BPD.    Can you work it out here with us, so you are prepared if it ever comes to that?

'ducks

[secretagent]

Thanks, babyducks,

The focus of the counseling session was on finding a way forward in our relationship. The session was done remotely by Skype because we're still in different countries. The counselor is aware of her BPD diagnosis and that she doesn't agree with it.

She spent most of the session describing problems in our relationship and my personal flaws and shortcomings that led to those problems. The counselor tried to gently guide her to suggest possible resolutions, and eventually she came up with specific steps she would like for me to take. She requested a list 5-10 signs I would use to recognize when I'm wrong and need to change my approach, as well as two well-researched plans for the future that would allow us to continue our relationship, that include a realistic fleshing out of the issues and the struggles that we would face in each scenario. My response is "due" in a week. I agreed to do this and will try my best, although I recognize it's likely she'll rip apart the plans I suggest. I think mainly she wants me to put in a lot of effort to show that I care.

I recognize that setting limits is important, but perhaps now is not the right time because we're living apart, in the middle of a stressful situation, and she's still very disregulated.  I agree that hitting is not ok, but neither is extreme rage, verbal abuse, or using self-harm to "punish" me ("See what you've done to me?". Honestly, I find the latter things more painful and disturbing.
I will work on setting these boundaries when the time is right.

Probably the most urgent boundary I need to set relates to my job. She has often interrupted my workday with all kinds of crises that, in her view, demanded immediate attention. If I didn't drop my work and help, she would feel abandoned and the crisis would escalate. I think she's jealous and resentful of my job because it takes me away from her. This has become an even bigger problem lately. Although we're living apart, she wants me to focus all my energies on "fixing" the immigration problem, our relationship, and my personal shortcomings, and gets angry if I even mention working. If I mention that we need my job for financial stability, she lists all my past financial mistakes, tells me I'm terrible at managing money, and that I wouldn't even need to have a job if I had done things right in the past. She also resents that I bring in most of the money in the relationship, which she sees as "taking away her agency". My job performance has really suffered lately and I need to do something soon, but not sure how to approach it because it's such a touchy subject and a major trigger. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
 



 

[babyducks]

Hi secretagent,

It's a positive step that she was willing to discuss with a therapist.   And I am glad to hear you say that you recognize setting limits is important.   from what you are describing here it sounds like you have taken on a huge load, a tremendous amount of responsibility for ~fixing~ the relationship and the immigration problems.    I am not sure if that's sustainable or even reasonable.     You can not shoulder more of the burden of making things work than is plausible.

on the very top of this subject board, the third topic down is a thread called Lessons it's always there.    it's been locked in that spot.

inside of Lessons you'll find this link:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

it's a good place to start learning about using verbal and nonverbal communications to assert intentions, needs and define what is in-bounds and out-of-bounds. Laying out reasonable, safe and acceptable ways for other people to interact and relate to us.

I would suggest starting small.    one simple and easy boundary that you can hold.   intermittent reinforcement is not your friend.   it's not a negotiation.    it's not a punishment.   it's not allowing ourselves to be treated poorly, regardless of the reason.

I would suggest a SET.    Support - I know we have a lot going and I am committed to working on things.    Still my job is important to me also and I will need to focus on improving XYZ.

she will push back against that.   testing your boundary so to speak.   if you don't hold your boundary she will have learned what she needs to do to get you to change.   and she will have lost respect for you.

my two cents
'ducks