Hello All: I think my wife is a Quiet Borderline. She left me and wants divorce

[mylovewbpd]

Not sure what to do. After my wife left me abruptly in April and went super silent on me one month earlier, I went over the last few months of our relationship in my head and none of it made sense to me. The overreactions, devaluing me, her obsession with her BFF, and total shutdown of communication with me. In February, she told me she didn't feel anything, wasn't happy and didn't think she loved me anymore but wasnt sure... .then a few weeks later she just said she had to move out. It's been 2 months since she left and she still comes around, or calls or texts briefly but abruptly cries and runs away. I know she loves me deep down but she will not talk about it. She either acts like nothing happened or, if I ask, she shuts down and then tells me she's happier without me and is doing great... .even though I see circles under her eyes, her hair is unwashed and she looks miserable. I sought counseling for her in the beginning because we thought it was anxiety at first, she did 3 sessions then bailed on that and says she doesn't need counseling. She said the counselor was harsh and she didn't have time. After she left I've been studying and searching for answers online. Again, I think she's self-harming (wearing long sleeve sweaters and light jackets in the summer every day in California, she isn't sleeping hardly at all, she is slacking at her job, not doing school work, partying and out with her BFF then isolating for a couple days and lying about where she is. She doesn't eat much. She cries at the drop of a hat or gets irritated/triggered and rages at me... .only at me... .never her friends or family.

She is slowly sabotaging her job, school, and now our relationship.  I'm not sure what triggered it... .the new job or the fact that she's going to graduate college in 3 weeks or maybe our talk of moving to Oregon to be closer to my family (my Dad is exhibiting signs of early Alzheimers); maybe ALL of it. All I know is that she is gone and she won't talk to me unless it is totally surface and only for 5 minutes. We were married for 4 years and were so close til the beginning of 2018 when her FP (who is her BFF) became her world. This woman is a selfish drama-queen who needs constant attention from my spouse for her daily crisises. My wife can barely keep her own life together but is putting any extra effort/energy into her FP; and her FP loves every ounce of attention she can get. It is a toxic cycle and I worry when her BFF finds a boyfriend how that is going to play out. I can see she gets jealous of her FP's lovers and mad when she doesn't respond right away. It is disturbing because I love her so much and all she can do is worry about everyone and everything else. It is like I don't exist.

I don't know where to go from here.  I have been trying to put the pieces back together and practice self-care.  I had to have major surgery in April and she showed up at the hospital 2 times but I have had to do my recovering alone. I took two weeks to be in Oregon with my family, away from this mess. I just started back at my job so my life is fine, otherwise.  I am healthy and happy.  I have support.  I just miss who I thought my wife was.  I miss the idea of the future we were planning for. I miss laughing with her and most of all I miss her friendship.  We were friends for a year before we dated and I miss talking to her every single day. 2018 hit me like a freight train.  She had to have been dealing with her intense feelings and depression all alone this whole time and it finally got too much to hide. I wish I could have been there for her.  I wish she had come to me. I wish, I wish, I wish. I haven't cut communication off totally yet. I allow her to see me if she asks. I try to keep from reacting if she gets mean or something sets her off but sometimes I cry while she sits there, indifferent and cold. I don't text her unless she texts me. For her birthday I made her dinner and packed it so she could take it home with her gift. She panics if she's alone with me for very long so I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable; plus I know she needed food. I told her if she needs to talk or life gets too rough, I'm here. She answered with "Happy Sunday! (smiley emoji) and thanks for the watch, I love it!" . Totally ignoring my words.

Divorce is on the horizon. I'm filing in June. She doesn't want help or to seek counseling or save our marriage so I need to start the process but I'm hoping she will wake up and be honest and come back... .she probably will not. She acts like she is so much happier alone. She talks about what we had like we had only dated for a month or something. Like, "OH WELL, just a break-up"... .not what it really is, a divorce. Any advice is welcome.  Should I tell her I think she has BPD? Should I do anything I'm not doing? Please help.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[BasementDweller]

 

This is a tough situation, and I'm sorry you have to go through this. I have similar situation with my dBPDbf, and his abrupt break-ups. I had to respond, because my partner says the same thing every time he cycles through this. "It's just a break up!" At first I thought it sounded so callous, but it's really a defense mechanism. I think it's a way of convincing himself that it's no big deal to just abruptly abandon your partner in times of crisis - repeatedly.

At the same time it is horribly painful to see your partner dyregulate like this, and do the push/pull thing. It's clear they are not happy, but they can't really control their impulses. They push away the ones who love them most.

Would you be open for reconciliation if she were to change her mind?

[mylovewbpd]

BasementDweller that is a great question. Part of me says I would but only if she seeks counseling with me and for herself and comes clean about what she's going through. She has totally shut me out. The other part of me feels like she has no awareness of her actions and no insight. If I took her back she would tell me what I want to hear then do this again. I guess I'm scared. She is still undiagnosed, isolates, and has the toxic FP... .I don't know if we have hope for a future together. What do you think?

[BasementDweller]

Man, I wish I could give you a good answer there. It's really hard to say because it takes a very special breed of person to be able to live with a pwBPD long term. They will be who they are and they will be difficult. (And in a lot of ways they will be absolutely brilliant and lovely.)  We have to be the "sane ones" and often that's a hell of a load to carry. Because when we hurt they can't really comfort us most of the time. Their emotions tend to take center stage. And yes, they are often not aware of their actions (at least not fully) or how they affect others.

I am at a similar impasse with my partner. We still live together but it's getting tenuous. He's been dysregulated for a month now, and it was only about a week or two ago that I figured out how to just... .not emotionally react. We've never been this distant for this long before and I really don't know how it is going to turn out. I really do love him, but I no longer feel the urge to chase or fix. I didn't realize I was doing that because... .caring for your partner is a given right? But I kind of had an epiphany when I realized that it wasn't doing any good, and I was trying too hard and he was trying too little. Now I just stay a bit distant and I'm riding it out.

I understand being scared. We love our partners and want what's best for them, but we're always a bit hyper aware of when the next explosion might occur. It's hard to feel safe when it's gone on for so long. My partner also only rages at me. This is tough, because nobody else really "gets it". At least not mutual friends and such.

How are you doing since your surgery? Does it look like she will finish her study program?

[lighthouse9]

Hey there mylovewBPD,

  Welcome to the boards - we're glad you found us, but sorry for the circumstances that brought you here.

Your story sounds remarkably similar to my own, just substitute the timeline a little bit, because my wife started the process you're talking about back in Nov/Dec, and finally asked for a divorce in January (but I still have no idea if she actually started the filing process or not). What struck me in your post is how you said she is treating this as if it were a break up like you were dating for a month, not actually ending a marriage. I'm going through exactly that, and have had the hardest time wrapping my head around it.

You asked about talking to her about BPD. That's one that comes up a lot on the boards and I encourage you to search around a bit and read about how other members have handled this question. The general consensus is that no, you shouldn't do that, but some members have found some really excellent ways to subtly encourage their SOs to consider counseling. I won't sugarcoat things for you though - even if she were to get counseling, the road will be long and tough. I let my wife know on several occasions that I'd be glad to walk it with her and I spent a lot of time on this board learning some of the tools on the right menu bar to help with that process. These tools (in my opinion) can make you a better communicator in general, so learning them aren't lost causes if your wife doesn't come around. But, if any piece of you considers that reconciliation is something you desire or might be possible, I'd encourage you to really dive in there first.

BasementDweller has given you a lot of great stuff to chew on and I want to echo the sentiment that it can be a hell of a load to carry. And, they might not want you to carry it ultimately. Every person and every relationship is different though, so we have to be very careful not to let our knowledge of BPD overshadow our ability to see people as individuals.

What feels most pressing to you right now? We're here to chat and really encourage you to keep posting. The more I posted, the more I learned about myself and my relationship, and ultimately the more I got up the courage to say no to behaviors that I just couldn't tolerate.

[BasementDweller]

BasementDweller has given you a lot of great stuff to chew on and I want to echo the sentiment that it can be a hell of a load to carry. And, they might not want you to carry it ultimately. Every person and every relationship is different though, so we have to be very careful not to let our knowledge of BPD overshadow our ability to see people as individuals.

Lighthouse9 is right here. And this is where I have needed to check myself. Sometimes our desire to help or provide support can actually cross over to treating our partners like "a case". Remorsefully I admit I have been guilty of that without meaning to. I was well meaning, but I probably treated him as if he were an invalid at times. I think. I don't know, and it definitely wasn't intentional, but in retrospect, it's possible. There is such a thing as caring too much where it becomes more like coddling.

[lighthouse9]

BasementDweller - I think we're all "guilty" of this at some point. I know w/my STBXw all I could think about was getting her help when we split. The other downside to caring too much can be forgetting to take care of ourselves. My mom really insightfully remarked to me a few weeks ago that she could tell I turned a corner because I stopped talking about BPD and getting her help and started talking about how things affected me.

mylovewBPD - it doesn't sound like you've forgotten to take care of yourself in all of this, from what you've mentioned so far.

[mylovewbpd]

Thank you both. BasementD and Lighthouse. Sometimes we interact via text and I offer food or mention things I know she likes to check on her. It probably is wrong to do that. I guess I treat her like a case when I do that. It is just still so fresh and she is my WIFE and I cannot believe we live apart. It is so surreal sometimes. For me it seems to have happened so fast and in her mind it has been happening for months; then we talk more and it is more like 2 months. Her family and friends think she's fine. They think she just fell out of love and I should let her go. It is hard when no one sees who she really is and ignore how much pain she's in. They chalk up her crying and insomnia and lack of self care to stress from her job and school.

Anyways, I will seek guidance about divorce and I don't think I'll be trying to diagnose her. She needs to work through that. If it comes from me, she will most likely reject the information and that may prolong her progress.

She graduates college June 8. She doesn't want me there. Says it will be too hard. This breaks my heart because I was the only person in her life who supported her goal to finish her degree. We got into debt putting her through school and spent many nights working on schoolwork together. Now everyone is coming out of the woodwork to congratulate her and throw parties and she doesn't want me there. I am going to go but I'll hide and take pics for myself. I love her and am so proud. I can't just sit at home. I won't disrupt her life I just want to see that moment, once in a lifetime. I want to hear her name called. This is truly the worst thing I have ever endured emotionally. I am supposed to pretend we had nothing, we are nothing to one another and move on because that's what she has done and it isn't fair.

Thanks for being there.

[lighthouse9]

My heart goes out to you mylovewBPD. This is just a gut wrenching level of pain and I know what it's like to just be cut out. It's awful.

You're doing the right things by keeping things light and offering her food. Wentworth is someone who is a master of communication when it comes to keeping the interaction going, while keeping his boundaries intact. You might learn a lot from how he's stayed in touch with his wife through a really difficult time.

I hear you about feeling like no one else knows her and feeling like you have no support. I felt the same way, though I was lucky to get some validation from an old friend of hers who "wasn't surprised" that she bailed on our marriage.

What does your support system look like? Have you considered therapy for yourself?

[mylovewbpd]

FYI, I am healing surprisingly well. My incision is barely visible, I'm on mainly just ibuprofen now so no harsh meds anymore. Aldo, I just started back at work which is good because it helps get my mind off this and onto my own priorities and goals. My work environment I'd amazing. I'm so lucky and blessed. My family and friends check on me daily. I have been able to cry when I need to and vent and laugh. Outside of this marriage catastrophe, life is great. I have worked so hard and it is all paying off. All the dreams we had for our future are coming true only I'm experiencing it alone. She may barely skate by but I think she will graduate. She is still in classes now but her counselor approved her to walk with this class so even if she fails her current classes, the college won't know til 2 weeks after graduation ceremony. That's good I guess. I think she'd fall into a tailspin if she had not been able to walk. I admit I helped her a lot in school especially when her stress and anxiety were beginning to show. I couldn't let her fail. Now that we are apart, I realize it may not have helped but I don't know... .I worried that she'd lose it... .

[mylovewbpd]

Lighthouse, I have considered therapy. I think I need it. It would help a lot. Your partner with BPD, did she abruptly leave? Move into another room? Hide her phone? How did she detach?

My wife started detaching in January and his her phone and started wanting to go out partying... .things that were totally out of character. Just like an alien took over her body.

I'd love to hear your story

[lighthouse9]

Hey there MLWB,

Therapy has helped me a ton - especially since I found someone who specializes in working with pwBPD. Our marriage counselor (who we only saw for a few sessions) might have actually done more harm because she was of the old school mentality that pwBPD are just doomed and should be left alone. There are newer perspectives on BPD in the therapeutic community, especially from those who practice DBT. My DBT therapist was excellent. She never told me to run, but she did make sure I stayed realistic about what was possible and helped me to see that my wife was lying about attending counseling and was stringing me along.

To answer your question, yes, my wife very abruptly left. We had some friction over the summer, but it seemed like reasonable friction at the time, and with a few marriage counseling sessions we quickly rekindled our love and were doing great. In October, we visited an IVF doctor to start the process of family planning. She was ecstatic - dancing around the kitchen, telling everyone and anyone about our plans to have children together. Her best friend came to town (who is in a committed relationship) and she raved to him about how great our relationship is and how proud she was of us for working through a hard spot. A week later, she started having an affair (if I'm to believe her timeline). It was as if overnight she just became a different person and we stopped sharing anything that bounded us together before that. I started to think she might be bipolar (and my therapist shared this concern), because it was so abrupt and she went from a lovely human being to a party animal over night. I knew from her past that she had a party side, but for the most part it didn't come out often in our relationship. Then, all of a sudden, she was staying out until 4am and lying to me about who she was with. I picked up on the affair, and that's when the gaslighting and manipulation got really bad. She kept saying she was committed to us, but then her behavior was awful.

By early December, I was starting to do my own work on regaining confidence because her allegations against me were so absurd. It was like she was just trying to push me off the edge, and I wasn't going to let it happen. Still though, in all of her crazy-making behavior, she was still there and was still at least feigning interest in the marriage. Her family came to visit over the holidays and things got way worse. It was like I didn't exist. Finally, right after the holidays, she informed me (after I asked her if she wanted out) that yes, she wanted a divorce. Sure, we were struggling, but I didn't think divorce was imminent. She had previously committed to doing 6 months of counseling with me and working through some of our challenges. Then, all of a sudden, that promise was out the window. She had already been looking at apartments behind my back and a few days later signed a lease.

She's military, so the worst part was that I was living in base housing with her and I had very few rights to stay in the home without her. She just all of a sudden became very irrational, started drinking all the time, was seeing this guy whenever she could, started hanging out with delinquents from her past, was restricting her eating and lost a ton of weight, and basically stopped making any sense whatsoever. The woman I was married to, who was carefully planning to have children with me, just up and snapped and became a different person. I moved her into another room after the holidays because it was clear we needed some space and I got sick of wondering what she was up to. By that point, I had accepted that my role was to not make things worse and I was giving her a lot of space to figure out whatever the heck it was that she was going through.

She never hid her phone - quite the opposite. She gave me permission to search her phone and computer, because she got sick of me accusing her of cheating on me. She was on it constantly, which wasn't like her. She typically would forget her phone and it meant nothing to her, but all of a sudden she was on it 24/7. Her affair partner was married with children and she worked with him, so I knew he wasn't a long term target. But the ex boyfriend was back in the picture, as was her sister who would encourage her to do any destructive thing she was already doing. The smear campaign against me probably started long before I had any idea it was happening, and unfortunately no one in her life called her on the quick contradiction from wanting to have kids with me to wanting to leave me. When I finally got up the guts to investigate, I found all of the evidence of the affair through a journal and computer logs of text messages. She was completely delusional, I almost had a moment of not feeling hurt because the person I was married to just didn't seem to be the person that was writing about her life in these weird delusional ways.

As you said, it was like an alien took over her body. You might search through some of my old posts. I held on to the idea of reconciliation for a long time, but kept giving her space and worked really hard to use the tools. Her lying about going to DBT for over three weeks was one of the last straws. That, and when we reconnected a month and a half later she treated me like an old friend from elementary school or something. It was like we hadn't ever shared 4 years of a relationship, 3 years of marriage, and so many milestones together. She told me once before leaving, in a clear space (we had started talking about the potential of BPD together), that I was "just a person in her life" and that she wasn't saying that to hurt me, but to be honest with me that she felt nothing but emptiness inside and she knew it was wrong but couldn't pretend to feel something for the marriage ending. She had some awareness of what was going on for her, but little resolve to work on it, especially to work on it with me.

What was the alien like that took over your wife's body?

[mylovewbpd]

Holy Mackerel Lighthouse... .isn't it strange yet comforting at how similar so many of our stories are. None are identical but all deal with the same string of detachment, projection, emptiness, fear, paranoia, lashing out, sabotage and abrupt ending of relationships with no feeling whatsoever.  I am still trying to make sense of what cannot be made sense of.  I never did tell my spouse that I think she has BPD. I have been posting about Mental Health Awareness month and BPD awareness hoping she gets a hint but if she noticed, she hasn't said a word. My wife is a quiet borderline, she turns all her hurt inwards. She isn't loud or obnoxious unless she is throwing a tantrum but that is just for me. She never would do that in front of her enabling friends and family... .who she thinks are AMAZING and says they "actually listen" to her... .unlike me (is her inference).  I am a great listener, I have been there for her through every up and down she has been through in the last 5 years.  Her family is, unfortunately, very toxic and I see why she may have felt abandoned and have major trust issues.  Her friends are all surface.  They use her and discard her when it suits them.  I always thought it was strange that she could never see them for who they are.  I think she believes she deserves to be treated like that, deep down.  I was the only one who "protected her"... .from her bosses who exploited her, from her friends who used her, from her family who abused her and from herself when she would self-sabotage.  I now realize that wasn't my job but my co-dependent mind thought I would be her hero.  I can honestly say this was not healthy but I really believed that it was "us against the world".  We enjoyed each other's company. We had SO much fun together, truly! We hardly argued or fought... .but toward the end she would pick fights and be on her phone 24/7 and wanted to party all the time; and she hated partying! She would normally have one or two beers and want to go home early from any club or party in 5 years... .and now she was mad at me for wanting to take her home when the bars closed.  She was drawn to her toxic friends and their drama like a moth to a flame.  She made up a story that I was this controlling, parent-like figure who didn't let her have fun. She needed to be on her own, away from me, so she could "find herself". The truth that these people didn't know was, she was very clingy and needy and a home-body and I would often have to cancel plans or she would say we need to save money, which was fine but I was never the one to keep her from friends or going out... .that was HER.  Of course, me being older than her, her friends bought it hook-line-and-sinker.  I know now that I should have told more people what I was going through.  I should have sought help.  I should not have let her walk all over me.  I didn't feel walked on or used until she left me and I could see that she had created a story and planned her way out of our relationship. She really fooled me.  She did just enough, said just enough, called me "bae"... .which was new and I was like... .how cute!  Such a fool.

I truly need counseling and I'm going to call after Memorial Weekend and get started.  I need to heal and it seems to me that divorce paperwork needs to begin.  She is out with friends and probably cheating (I'm almost sure of it).  It takes 6 months to process and we can call it off if she comes back and goes to therapy but she doesn't want therapy now and doesn't think anything is wrong... .in her mind I am the one that caused her stress and anxiety.  She lied about counseling appointments to me as well. Said that the therapist cancelled 2 times in a row. Then stopped going after she moved out. I cannot save us on my own and she doesn't want to be with me. She acts like I was just another person she dated along her journey... .because that's how she feels.  She feels nothing for me.  I am the only one crying over her and hoping she is ok; worrying she is self-harming or not sleeping and not eating.  I need to go to therapy and then file and move to Oregon to be closer to my family.

[lighthouse9]

Holy Mackerel Lighthouse... .isn't it strange yet comforting at how similar so many of our stories are. None are identical but all deal with the same string of detachment, projection, emptiness, fear, paranoia, lashing out, sabotage and abrupt ending of relationships with no feeling whatsoever.  I am still trying to make sense of what cannot be made sense of. 

It is strange and comforting simultaneously. I can't tell you how many moments I've had here where I've recognized my story in others. Also, reading some of the books about BPD also gave me many "holy mackerel" moments. And, I hear you about trying to make sense of what cannot be made sense of. I'm a pretty rational person and I'm a fixer. Show me a problem, and I'll come up with a solution. This stuff just doesn't work that way. If anything, coming at these issues rationally (only) and trying to fix them can make things worse. I think it is Skip who often encourages people to not meet someone's emotional dysregulation with rationality. In a healthy relationship, the two might balance each other out and we can trade off working between emotions and rationality. When I look back at my relationship, I don't see that balance. There's a good article on here that talks about one of the DBT skills called "Wise Mind" that you might want to check out: https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

My wife was also likely on the quiet side of things, like you described yours. We also had so much fun together and things were pretty great. Low key, fun, goofy, intellectually stimulating, you name it. I really was blindsided by everything. I was also a little bit older than my wife, not by a ton, but by enough that at the stage in our life it mattered at times. It was enough of an age difference that I had been through a few more serious relationships, a few more family crises, a few more jobs, etc. In other words, I had been "tested" as an adult a bit more. But, she had probably been tested more as a kid and had a really traumatic upbringing, and I didn't really learn about some of it until she was leaving. There were times it did feel parenting and it was awful because it made it hard to remain equals. I also heard the "I need to find myself" line. I'm sure that felt very real for her, but for me it felt a little surreal to hear after being together for so long and being beyond some of the major milestones (advanced degrees, moves together, etc).

I like that you're starting to explore your own stuff (which is really hard). The codependency runs pretty strong in a lot of us and these break ups (or breaks, whatever they end up being) give us a space to explore some of that stuff. Don't beat yourself up though (and here is where a therapist is really great). We all have the "should have" pieces like you mentioned. I really believe we were all doing the best we could (including our exes), when we were there.

It does really feel like they planned their way out of the relationship, which for me felt so unfair given how hard I was fighting to rescue it when the end was apparent. I saw a crisis at first, not a carefully planned ending. I still don't know how much of that was intentional or not, and probably never will.

I also moved home to be closer to family. It was a big transition and it's been tough, but the distance was necessary to "stop the bleed" per se.

What does contact look like for you two now? How's that going?

[mylovewbpd]

To your question about communication with my wife: Honestly, I try to let her initiate. Sometimes I do but I definitely keep it light. She does too.  I learned that early on... .when I talk about anything significant, ask questions about her life, push her (or she perceives I'm pushing) or even if I try to take care of her (or she perceives I am trying to help)... .she will disappear for a few days.  I will usually get some random text a few days later. Lately, she has been calling instead of texting which catches me off guard. Those calls are quick, she seems to want to say hi but rushes to get off the phone; it is good to hear her voice.  Other than this, she has completely stopped texting me on weekends... .not sure why but it really isn't my business anymore I guess.  So random texting, only about 2-3 texts, lots of smiley emojis which is weird and not how she used to text me. The texts are about TV shows or common interests or funny stuff and only Monday - Friday. .  It is so insane!  We are married! I just want to talk and resolve SO much baggage and stuff and get counseling WITH her and fix, fix, fix... .but it's really not up to me.  I cannot do it alone.  I cannot fix this.  She made her mind up and told me as she was on her way out. 

Yesterday I was thinking I could just get her to come over and talk to her and we could decide together, do we divorce? Do we go to counseling.  This was my logical side, like... .just call her and get her to come over after work. Blah, blah, blah.  Then I remembered, I can't do any of that.  She doesn't like to be alone with me... .she runs and bursts into tears.  If I ask questions she clams up. Blank stares, no words coming out, and I just sit there waiting for an answer and she just sits there like a deer in headlights.  Then I cry and get frustrated and she leaves.  We live apart as a married couple and cannot talk like regular people.  Logic does not have an answer for this.  All I can do is move forward and keep breathing, eating, sleeping, working.  I have no choice. I just need to make plans and make time for friends and once I get some money together, file for divorce.  In California it takes 6 months to process so that will give me time to heal, her time to do whatever she needs to do, and then I can move to Oregon and buy my dream house... .start my new business with my Dad, etc.  I hoped to do all that with her but doesn't look likely, she can't even face reality right now so I don't know what else to do.

What you said about feeling toward the end like you were parenting more than being a partner, I totally related to that.  I know she looked up to me in the beginning because I had more life experience but I was careful to never belittle or patronize her. She needed to learn her own lessons and find her way.  As she became more irritable, critical, stressed, anxious, paranoid and depressed... .I felt I needed to take care of her.  Minimize her stress, let her rest, take care of any responsibilities, cancel plans to stay with her, do some of her schoolwork, and help her focus. At first she was thankful but then she started telling me I wasn't her parent in arguments.  I was shocked at being accused of mothering her.  I felt like saying, "then get up and take care of your stuff and I won't feel the need to take care of everything for you!". Of course, I never said that.  I didn't want to escalate the fight so I would tell her that I am not trying to parent her I just want to help.  I would back off but then she would get needy again and clingy and I would step up... .then she would get mad I was helping again.  That happened the last month we were together until she said that she needed to be on her own because I hold her back from being her own person.  In her mind, I keep her from growing and without me around she would thrive because I cripple her.  And now, she is more depressed and paranoid... .skips work... .skips homework... .hides in her apartment then goes out to party with friends to act like she is fine... .then retreats again... .doesn't shower... .doesn't sleep... .doesn't eat regularly. I only know this because she makes statements to me complaining about lack of sleep and blames her current state on her boss being too demanding and her co-workers and her roommate. Her mother tells me she parties and doesn't do her schoolwork. When I see her she tells me she is not eating well and looks exhausted and greasy. It is just so heart-breaking to watch and do nothing.  What about your spouse? Do you see her/hear from her?

So many with BPD jump into new relationships or cheat when they separate to find new ways to make themselves happy again.  I have a feeling my spouse was flirting via text and online right before she ended things.  She was giggling and texting for hours, right in front of me! She wouldn't speak to me but was obsessively texting and then hiding her phone. She said it was her BFF. Could have been with her bff, who is her FP, but I always felt that the reason left so quickly and decisively was because of some guilt or shame for having an emotional affair.  I don't think she's seeing anyone right now but I think she was testing the waters before she left.  Now she seems to barely have time for regular things so I don't see her holding a relationship, at least not yet... .  Any of this resonate with you?

[lighthouse9]

Hey there,

Yes - so much of this resonates with me. I proposed a therapeutic separation as a way to slow things down, get some space, let her "find herself" while giving me time to get my confidence back. Again, I was thinking very rationally. Ultimately, she felt nothing at that point and didn't agree to it. Also, getting her to file for divorce (I told her I wouldn't do it, since it was what she wanted) has been a bizarre process, too. She seems to be in no rush and is avoiding it, but also made no attempts to keep connection.

I moved away, so our contact is very limited at this point - reserved for logistics only. It's not really a rule, but she's not reaching out to me and I have nothing to gain from reaching out to her. I've "plead my case" so many times and offered so many ways for us to work things out. She just doesn't want it, so I've accepted things. That took time though.

The lessons for the bettering board have some good stuff around communication. If you do get her to come over for a conversation, you might want to try some of those tools. Validation is the biggest thing. Use SET and try not to JADE. These were tough for me to learn and I unfortunately didn't start learning them until after she left, but they've made communication with her much easier. There's also a good book about divorcing someone with BPD you might like called "Splitting." I read that one early on and it's kept me vigilant of things to expect in this process.

It sounds like you've got some great things to look forward to for your future. How are you taking care of yourself now? You mentioned that things are good at work. How else do you fill your time?

[mylovewbpd]

Yes, I started back to work after one month of being on bed rest from surgery. That month at my parent's home in Oregon was wonderful and terrible all at the same time. I had so much time to think and grieve and really clear my head. She would reach out around 2 times a week and, as the date approached that I was coming home, she wanted to pick me up at the airport so I was hopeful. When I saw her she was a mess, she looked like she had been up for days. She was agitated without me having to say a word. She was driving recklessly, taking a long long route... .I didn't say anything.  I asked one question and that set her off on a rant... .I asked if she had gotten her Dad's car fixed because before I left she was trying to find a mechanic.  A seemingly harmless question but she was triggered by that and got mad. First she told me about her debts and how hard it is to live on her own and had to pay $400 for the repair then I said, "I'm so sorry, I wish I could help" to which set her off even more saying that I can't "rescue" her and she doesn't need me to save her.  I just sat there and cried. We got home and I got out of her car, she dropped my bag at the door and left.  I think the anticipation of seeing me overwhelmed her and nothing I said was going to be anything but a trigger.  For the record, I didn't offer to help her or rescue her, I said I was sorry that I couldn't help.  I have been broke since she left me because I am paying rent and bills on my own.

Anyways, that was the worst in a long time and that was just 2 weeks ago. I saw her one other time last week and it was pleasant and quick. We said hello, she hugged me so hard and held on.  We kissed.  I gave her her birthday gift, she opened it and thanked me, then she left abruptly... .like always.  It was after I got back from Oregon and our last two exchanges that I decided I was going to file for divorce.  I told her via email that I will file in June, she did not respond to that email.  I know her... .she wants a divorce and has said so but she is like your wife and will not take action to make it so. I cannot live in limbo-land.  She doesn't want help or to seek it for herself. In her mind I am still to blame for it all. She wants to pretend I don't exist, until she misses me or wants something and then she comes around only to push me away.  I won't do that for one year or two years or until she finds a girlfriend/wife. I need to get closure and move away to leave this behind.  I promise I will read all the sources you told me about before we meet up again.  I agree, I need tools because using logic isn't possible and when I cry she just goes numb and doesn't even look at me.

I fill my time with movies. I love to go to the movies.  I went last night to see "Solo: A Star Wars Story" by myself last night. My cousin lives an hour away so I will be there with her over Memorial Day Weekend.  She is going through a divorce so we are here for one another.  My aunt, her mother, will be there too. I guess I just reach out and ask around and see if people want to hang or sometimes just take a hike up a hill with my dog or watch Netflix shows and TV.  The more I get outside and with others the less I brood over my wife but I also allow myself time to grieve and rest.  I don't want to ignore my feelings.  Busy is good too and keeps me from that "what if" spiral some days so I love living in a big city because I can always find things to do.  What do you do to take your mind off things?

[lighthouse9]

She sounds like a real push/pull master! My STBXwife didn't push/pull as much, but a long term gf before her (also suspected to be uBPD or maybe uNPD) was so good at the push/pull game. We broke up and made up so often that I stopped taking the break ups seriously. This is the first time my STBXw has done anything like this, but having been through push/pull before I didn't behave like I did in the past. Ultimately, I think it ended things more quickly for us.

It sounds like you have some great ways to keep yourself busy, but also allow time for grieving and healing. I'm at the point where I want to start to make new friends and go out more, but I'm a bit too afraid to trauma bond and I'm still a bit too raw. I have a bunch of hobbies, but right now I'm gravitating towards a self-defense class at my new gym that's been a lot of fun (I wrote about it on the Learning board). I love to read, learn new things, I teach online on the side, and generally just like to be outside. Recently though, I've been relaxing a lot more than usual and have just been listening to my body when it wants to nap after work with my cat. It's been tough to reclaim some of my hobbies that were also our hobbies, because they come with a lot of sadness sometimes, but I'm taking on those things in small doses. You've caught me at one of my lower times, but I generally try to balance activity and grieving, much like you explained. For the past few months, I've kept an audiobook running to keep my mind occupied when I start to do the "what if" game, like you talked about. I had a therapist teach me that distraction was perfectly ok (which was a new concept to me), so I've kept my head out of a complete rut by getting lost in a story. I lost my community by moving home, but it's nice to be able to just pop by family members' houses when I'm lonely. I'm not much fun to be around right now, and they're not great at validating or talking about things sometimes, but they're family and they're definitely here for me.

How does it feel to write about your relationship on here? Have you read or commented on other posts that are helping your own process?

[mylovewbpd]

Hello Lighthouse. I'm so sorry things have been rough lately. How was Memorial Day Weekend? IDK if you are even in the States hahaha. If you aren't, then just how was your weekend?  I spent my weekend with family and boy was it nice to get away, out of town and distracted all weekend. I read some of the tutorials in my free time and when I returned from the weekend, this morning, I put some tools to good use. I created boundaries and took control back. My wife last weekend was trying to ghost me a bit and answered 2 days later or only when I prompted.  I guess what I realized is that while I knew her, she never was more than 5 feet from her phone. If she cared in the least she would answer. You think her FP gets the silent treatment on a weekend? Do you think anyone gets the silent treatment but me? HELL NO. . In that instant, I became angry and that was it. No more.

No more helping, consoling, supporting her bad behavior or attempts to control the situation.  We had plans this week and I just cancelled them. Told her I'd leave her mail by the door and she can get it when I'm at work. Then, I think she saw I wasn't going to be buying her bull___, she texted me 3 times.  I waited 2 hours to respond. I don't need to be her doormat. She is baiting me while she gives her energy and time to everyone else. Honestly, it was like that when we were together too.  She was loving and sweet but others' needs were always more urgent.  She took me for granted often and I allowed it. I am not needy so I didn't take it personally, but I should have.  It was an early indicator that I was expendable.

To your last question, this blog/messageboard has been such a great sounding board for my situation. Such a blessing. You and BasementDweller and Wentworth were there when I needed it desperately. I am not out of the fog but today I feel empowered and in control of my own life and my own reactions. I need to continue to reach out and, guess what?, therapy starts this week.  Please tell me how you are doing, if I can encourage you like you did me... .I would like to.  You are doing so great!  You have been a great source of information and in the low moments remember that you are worthy of love and respect, when your wife left you did the best you knew how to do in a very hurtful and raw situation. When we know different, we do different. We cannot change our spouses and could not have known things would end up this way. We cannot change the past, only try to work with the present.   Hope to hear from you soon 

[BasementDweller]

Hi, there mylovewithBPD!

Glad to hear you are doing the self care thing and seeing some bright spots in all of this. It really warmed my heart to see that you had mentioned me, and that I had helped you when you needed it.   That's great! How are things going for you right now?

[mylovewbpd]

Hello BD,

Things are good! I feel optimistic (it is my nature anyway). I am starting therapy Friday to vent, release, and find tools to help me be a better partner so I can avoid toxic people in the future.  Replaying that record in my head, over and over, is doing me no good.  I need to get it all out. Lighthouse helped a lot and I have another buddy I met through Twitter who has been through a lot of the same things. My work life is going amazing and I have been trying to get out more.  I have a comedy show I am headed to tonight and spent last weekend with family out of town.  I have my down moments but I pick myself back up and push myself to keep moving forward because I am going to be ok at the end of all this drama. 

How are you doing?  What tools do you employ to pick yourself back up when you're down?