What do you wish you could say?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey all,

I saw a great post over on the Detaching board about things people wished they could say to their exs, but instead of saying it to them directly (and thereby stirring up problems) they were posting them here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=321858.0

I was thinking that on this board there might be a lot of things we aren’t saying to our partners either and (for various reasons) still might not feel comfortable saying.

So, for my part, here goes:

******
Why did you have to take all the genuine love I had for you and throw it in my face time and time again to the point where your words of love and your words of hate have lost all meaning? I hear you say “I love you”, but it does not move my heart. I care, and I am taking care of you, but loving you without fear and being able to hold onto it…is damaged by your years and years of breaking with me. And you just want more of me. I don’t exist just for your needs, to fill the emptiness inside you.

Why did you have to find my weakest points? My built in desire to stand by someone with an illness and my deep inner pain over breakups (that echo a previous major traumatic loss). Why did you become that for me…instead of the dream I had hoped for? The person I had waited for my whole life…all those earlier years never quite allowing myself happiness.

Why of all people have I given you so much? Why did I think we could handle all the obvious obstacles facing us from the start? Why did that war have to start? The one that brought your kids back to you, but destroyed your homeland and a part of your soul?

Why couldn’t I get away from you at a point when I might have still had a chance to make something of my career and not be forced to totally start over (if we finally break) from a deep hole?

Why did I pick you as my last relationship and give myself the idea that I’d never do this again? Why does being alone appeal to me so much although I am so loving and I know how it easy it is to give and receive love?

Why can’t I see up from down anymore? Why can’t I tell if things are ever going to be better or you will always find ways to destroy parts of me that no one should ever even touch?

Who are you? What is really inside of you? Why do I feel like I don’t know you…like after all these years you are a stranger to me? Why do you love me like this? With such intensity that you are sucking the life right out of me?  Why does so much of it feel like taking? Am I not seeing the giving? Why does seeing and hearing your expressions of love for me make me so sad?

Why can’t I remember why I first loved you? Why do I feel so dead inside?

[pearlsw]

Hey all,

I saw a great post over on the Detaching board about things people wished they could say to their exs, but instead of saying it to them directly (and thereby stirring up problems) they were posting them here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=321858.0

I was thinking that on this board there might be a lot of things we aren’t saying to our partners either and (for various reasons) still might not feel comfortable saying.

So, for my part, here goes:

******
Why did you have to take all the genuine love I had for you and throw it in my face time and time again to the point where your words of love and your words of hate have lost all meaning? I hear you say “I love you”, but it does not move my heart. I care, and I am taking care of you, but loving you without fear and being able to hold onto it…is damaged by your years and years of breaking with me. And you just want more of me. I don’t exist just for your needs, to fill the emptiness inside you.

Why did you have to find my weakest points? My built in desire to stand by someone with an illness and my deep inner pain over breakups (that echo a previous major traumatic loss). Why did you become that for me…instead of the dream I had hoped for? The person I had waited for my whole life…all those earlier years never quite allowing myself happiness.

Why of all people have I given you so much? Why did I think we could handle all the obvious obstacles facing us from the start? Why did that war have to start? The one that brought your kids back to you, but destroyed your homeland and a part of your soul?

Why couldn’t I get away from you at a point when I might have still had a chance to make something of my career and not be forced to totally start over (if we finally break) from a deep hole?

Why did I pick you as my last relationship and give myself the idea that I’d never do this again? Why does being alone appeal to me so much although I am so loving and I know how it easy it is to give and receive love?

Why can’t I see up from down anymore? Why can’t I tell if things are ever going to be better or you will always find ways to destroy parts of me that no one should ever even touch?

Who are you? What is really inside of you? Why do I feel like I don’t know you…like after all these years you are a stranger to me? Why do you love me like this? With such intensity that you are sucking the life right out of me?  Why does so much of it feel like taking? Am I not seeing the giving? Why does seeing and hearing your expressions of love for me make me so sad?

Why can’t I remember why I first loved you? Why do I feel so dead inside?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi pearls, that's some truly raw emotion there. Even if he can't feel all the pain you've endured, I can. Here is mine:


I really did everything I could to be the best father and husband that I could, and yet you still treated me like I was some kind of heartless, disgusting monster. You once called me a dog and kicked me out of the apartment in front of our toddler son. And why? Because we had just got back from the US and I was a bit depressed as I always am after coming back from home, because I wasn't super in to looking at houses here at that time.

You blame me for our financial issues, pointing out how you saved so much more than me. The reason you saved so much is because I paid for all our major expenses, including rent and all of our overseas trips. How many hundreds of dollars worth of clothing did you destroy?

You think you are the only person in the world who suffers and my pain doesn't matter. Yes, you are struggling to find a job after being at home with the kids for four years. Taking care of these two kids are extremely hard. But you are in your own country. Your sister is here. You see your friends frequently. You are not a foreigner. All your favorite foods can be bought next door any time of the day. And most importantly, you do not have to cope with a spouse who has your issues and makes you afraid. \

It is not my fault you are in the situation you are in. This is the career you chose. Your government screwed up the country so that there are no more kids and therefore almost no teaching jobs. It's not my fault your school didn't offer maternity leave. I took the paternity leave first when S5 was born. I took it again when D2 was born for a whole year so you didn't have to do it alone. I knew it was equal to giving up my job but I did it anyway. I tried to start a home business so you could go out and teach. I've given everything to help you build your career and you act as though I'm willing to give nothing. 

I am probably the kindest man you could ever meet and yet you make me seem like some selfish beast. You say you are dissatisfied with our intimacy and that it's my fault and I need to see a doctor. Have you ever considered it has to do with me feeling secure and that this is a two-person problem, not something I just go out and fix with a doctor by myself?   

You blame all the kids' issues on me and say I don't take the responsibility. I have spent countless hours and dollars trying to resolve my personal issues to be a better parent to them. It is obvious how many negative behaviors S5 has learned from watching you.   

You call my family rude, selfish people. They are not perfect, I know, but they always welcomed you and never discriminated against you. You took away my last six months with my grandmother. And you nearly destroyed my relationship with my dad and brother. They didn't deserve this. It was all your selfish delusion that everyone was out to get you. No one was!       

[BasementDweller]

So many things. I could write a novel. I fear if I start writing I will never stop.

So, in a nutshell :

"I feel like that guy in the movie The Green Mile. Like I have sucked all your pain out of you, so you can be well and I can be the one who hurts. But unlike him, I can't exhale it all in a swarm of locusts, it's stuck, and I didn't manage to take your pain away. I just infected myself with it, but a more virulent strain of it, and now we're both sick."

[RolandOfEld]

Hi BM, what a powerful image and one I can deeply relate to. I've been trying to find a way to let those locusts out.

I'll share something with you my T said to me the other day that had a huge effect on me. The other night I felt ready to break down because I wanted to say all the things I wrote above to my wife but couldn't. I told my T  it felt like I had accumulated so much hurt and angry emotions over the years and felt ready to explode with it and didn't know how to let it out.

She explained to me that we do accumulate pressure, which will explode if it goes beyond our capacity. (Wife is screaming, kids are screaming, boss is screaming... .then BOOM!)

But she said it doesn't work that way with emotions. They don't accumulate. Rather, the rage I feel towards my wife right now exists completely in this moment because now I know I cannot accept it. When she did these things to me years ago, I didn't explode because I hadn't yet deemed it unacceptable behavior.

So the thesis I guess would be that we're not holding on to old feelings but rather that we've changed into people who will no longer tolerate abuse. I'm not 100% sure she's right but it seems to make sense and I've felt less overloaded since I realized it.  

Does this make sense to everybody? What do you think about it?

~ROE

[BasementDweller]

ROE - I think that kind of makes sense... .but I think that after being pelted by enough negative emotions over a long period, you just sort of become permanently changed in some way. You hurt a little deeper, but at the same time, get a thicker skin if that makes any sense. Kind of like wearing a suit of armor over a gaping chest wound.

I definitely am at the point now where I will take no more abuse. Or, rather, I won't respond to it. He still dishes it out, but I'm not really giving him the satisfaction of letting him see it affect me. I just look him in the face when he rants and nod calmly. No defense, no chasing, no trying to bargain. Yesterday after enduring a 90 minute rant of his, and saying nothing, and showing nothing to him, he called me a remorseless psychopath. I guess he noticed I wasn't breaking.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi BM, I know how you feel, so much.

I gauge how I'm progressing by imagining what I would be like if my wife suddenly disappeared and I entered a brand new relationship right now. I know the key difference would be that my abuse sensors would be totally primed and would sound the alarm at the slightest hint of abuse.

My wife brought something to my attention recently that scared me in terms of how far back the abuse went. In our second month together we went to amusement park. I went on a ride with her that made me sick. She wanted to go on it together again but I said I couldn't because I wanted to throw up. This upset her. The part she added recently was that she had called me "weak" that day. I had selectively forgotten that part. So clear a hint so early in the relationship, and in those days I was totally blind to it.

How do you think would have changed if you started a brand new relationship? Same question to your pearls if you're up for it.  

~ROE

[BasementDweller]

Ah, I have thought of that often, regarding a brand new relationship. Right now, I can honestly say - I wouldn't. This has destroyed everything I ever believed in about love and how it was supposed to be. I have no desire to ever try this again.

That might sound extreme, but there is a good reason for that. Back in 2013, I had recently gone through a peaceful and "long time coming" separation/divorce from my ex husband. It was amicable, non dramatic, and long overdue. We had simply grown apart and become platonic years prior, and were totally ok with it all. After a while, I met a man overseas when I was traveling for work, and we started a long distance relationship after some time of talking first. I truly loved him in a way I have never loved anybody before. The chemistry and intellectual bond was transcendental. We could talk effortlessly for 14 hours straight and it was the easiest thing in the world. Really - everything just "flowed" with us.

Unfortunately our timing was horrible, as he had just come out of a very bad relationship with a woman who - shocker - has BPD or at least the traits. He had no idea what this even was. Like all BPD's, she was animated and funny and smart at first. Later, she began the mood swings and drama. She was unfaithful to him and emotionally abusive, very push/pull, etc... .He broke up with her after a year and met me three months later. After about six months of us having a real relationship and frequent visits, he panicked and told me he was having trust issues about the distance, the possibility of me going back to my ex husband (that's what she had done) and the possible trauma of ever being hurt again like he had been with the last woman - and so forth. I was devastated, but had my pride, and man I wish I had done differently, but I let him go. I didn't even fight it, and I deeply regret not at least trying. Maybe he needed reassurance. Maybe he was testing me. Maybe it could have worked. But I was hurt and angry and I told him off and walked away from it all. It was hell on earth, and I never was the same again.

He was the most rational, calm, gentle, stable, and totally compatible man I have ever met. Two years after our split, I ended up living in the same city as him, as I transferred overseas. He was now living with a woman and seeming very unhappy. We began to hang out together a bit, and I still loved him madly. Later, he admitted he'd made a horrible mistake and wished our outcome had been different. He told me he'd been wrong about his doubts about me, and had really f*cked up. He's still with her. The last time I saw him he was so thin, fragile, and stressed that I was really worried. According to our mutual friends their relationship is "an absolute disaster". I'm with my dBPDbf now, and that's just... .that.

I wasn't even over the pain of the break up with him when my dBPDbf walked into my life and after me telling him repeatedly that I wasn't ready or able to start over again, he patiently and lovingly convinced me that he was different - a better man who would never leave me. After several months of casual dating and keeping him at arms length, I caved.

Ahem. And now - it's like this. I made it this far in life never having any kind of high conflict relationship or anything similar. Everyone I was ever with prior was really, really solid and mellow and totally easy-going. Every now and again I wake up and ask myself if this is even really happening. It seems like a nightmare I can't wake up from. That guy who loved me so deeply and wanted to show me what loyalty and love REALLY looked like... .shouted profanities at me for 90 minutes yesterday, for the 30th day straight. Good times!

So if this fails I am truly done. I'm tired, to be honest. I don't ever want to do this again, and I just have no love left in me. I have no faith or trust left. And I'm not a kid anymore, so I really would just be embarrassed about wanting to date again. My "market value" as they say -  isn't as high as it would be if I was younger and I just... .no. No thanks on any of it.

Ok, one exception... .If my ex ever becomes single again, I'd take him back in an instant. The first thing I'd probably do is sleep for 20 days in his stable, rational, emotionally regulated arms. But I think he's pretty damn entrenched in his current situation, and I don't think that will ever happen.

I could really use the sleep, though! :-)

[RolandOfEld]

The first thing I'd probably do is sleep for 20 days in his stable, rational, emotionally regulated arms.

I've been having the same fantasy all day. Lying in the arms of someone who truly loves me and makes me feel safe. And sleeping, sleeping, sleeping, the kind of sleep people should have and that I used to have. Thinking about it's brought me to the verge on tears several times today. I'm having a bad week very similar to yours, BM.

I understand your feelings about starting a new relationship. Those are some very difficult things to get past.

Sharing something bittersweet. A few days ago I was sitting on the bus with D2 in my arms. She put her head on my chest and held me with her little arms. For the first time I realized this little human being loved me, and loved me completely without any complications. Not like my mother who loved me fiercely but was also so full of rage and didn't make me feel safe. Not like my wife. Not like the girls I was involved with in college who liked me but never loved me enough to stick around. It felt like the first time I became aware that this kind of love existed. It both made me happy and made me believe this kind of love may exist for me in the world on an adult level.

~ROE

[BasementDweller]

Oh, that is so sweet! Kids are so innocent and I always feel a twinge of sorrow when I see that and think about how the adult world is going to affect them when they get there.

I haven't had a good night's sleep - in years to be honest.

I thought of one other thing I would want to say to my BPD partner, but I run the risk of sobbing at my desk.

Two years ago, you asked me to move into your home, join your family, embrace your sons as my own, and consider growing old with you. You said I was the first woman in over 10 years, since you split from the kids' mother that you felt this way about. That you wanted to live with and be with. I was so happy to have a family to cook for as I love to cook. You and your kids say I'm the best cook ever.  I told you I wanted a birdhouse and you pulled out the miter saw and taught me how to build one myself. It now hangs in a tree in our yard. You told me I could have free reign of the entire yard because I love to garden, and you built me a huge raised garden bed and filled it with a truck full of soil and I planted everything... .veggies, flowers, herbs - what was once an overgrown and sort of barren yard is now green, cheery, and teeming with life. There are flower pots and the lawn is lush, fertilized and mowed. Nothing makes me happier than working in that yard. The seeds I planted in April are now thriving. There are birds living in my birdhouse. We waited all through the long cold winter for these sunny days to come so we could grill, sunbathe, swim - and enjoy life. I love tending to my garden and waiting to see some baby birds emerge from that bird house. Soon there will be potatoes, carrots, beets, peppers, tomatoes and even pumpkins... .but now you are telling me to leave. Will I ever see those vegetables? Will anyone pick, or eat, or cook with them? Who is going to water those plants? Who is going to tend to the garden? You spend months trying to convince me to settle in, make myself at home, get to know the kids, and to be a part of the family. We decorated, painted, built things together... .

And now you are telling me to get out? Who are you and what have you done with the man that once loved me... .so recently?

Who the hell does this? Please come to your senses and realize what you are destroying.

He may never get there. BPD knows no rationality.

[pearlsw]

Oh man, I love when people dive in like this and start sharing! Thank you so much! This is why I searched this place out in the first place - to have a support group. To be able to SAY things I can't always safely say at home but really need to say to people who get it!

I feel bad at times... .for the times I did get a chance to say stuff to him and I am sure it hurt his feelings. I know it hurts him to have made so many mistakes with me and to have caused so many cracks in our relationship, and he's had to hear about it a lot, and at times he couldn't take it. But those kinds of breaks do so much damage, and I needed to talk to him about it all, I still do at times, though I wish we could just put all the bad parts behind us. All the breaks, from week one, have been so painful for me... .the ways it changed me... .I have a lot left to process and recover from if we are to go forward and I can't really talk to him about it, and he needs a therapist too I think... .but we're both just handling it ourselves.

This is interesting... .how folks are contemplating doing this vs. starting again. Although I'm naturally trying to better things in life, and I hope I always remember the tools from here, it is hard not to dream of an easier version of life.

I had my heart set on this for so long... .I feel like I've latched on, and been holding on, to a car careening out of control... .and I don't know how I held on so long. Or maybe mechanical bull is a better comparison! hahahahha.

What's new for me is that it is more stable than ever - thanks to his medication. (I even have a funny song about this that makes us both laugh.) He is so happy. So happy. Well, his medication and his evening drinks make him happy... .and then that spills over to me too.  But I am getting a glimpse of what I think it could be at its best... .and then the question becomes is this enough? Do I keep doing this life together, with its limitations, but also it's upsides, or do I start again? It's not all about love for me. I have had a lot of love in my life and I feel good about my ability to be loving so I am not missing that piece of life. I just want full independence again, but that seems so far off - here or if I were to go back to my country of citizenship. I feel afraid I am past a point of no return some days, other days it seems fun and exciting to conquer those challenges by getting my life back into my own hands... .but then I'd have to be careful to not end up isolated all over again... .

It is hard not to want things to work out, finally. To just have this be the most simple version of life and have it just. work. out. He's promising, again, to "never, ever, ever break up with me"... .but he is never able to keep that promise for long so it... .well, I laugh and joke about this too. I know he probably can't stop this... .but as I've told him recently, this is what will make it impossible to continue past this year.

Poor fella. He is so sincere in his wanting me and his not wanting me. It hurts to see another human who knows romantic love only in this damaged way.

I just wish, if we do stay together, that I could feel comfortable and could relax. It touched me so much to hear about you each just want to sleep in the arms of a person who could let you feel safe and comforted and loved. Such simple things!

    to all, pearl.

[Radcliff]

Wow, pearlsw, RolandofEld, and BasementDweller, I am impressed by your courage and eloquence.  I didn't think I could answer pearlsw's call.  Three times I tried, and gave up.  I did not think I could possibly face the totality of what happened.  I still haven't faced the totality, I am still guarding.  But on the fourth try, I managed a paragraph.  Thank you all for your courage and example, I could not have done this without you.

How could you betray me?  How could you be so controlling and destructive?  I gave you the 30 years at the core of my life, yet you recently told me that in all this time I had done absolutely nothing of value for you.  I am grateful for all you have given me, but since you take away anything you give so easily, it is worse than not having received anything at all.  I gave you all of my labors as a father to raise our children, my one shot at making a family.  Our children are a wonderful gift, yet you consistently sabotaged me as a father, ridiculing and humiliating me in front of my children.  Your abuse and my lack of boundaries gave them a perverse example of what marriage should be.  You trapped me by threatening to take the children away, and forced me to make a horrific decision to tear our family apart to save myself and stop the abuse that was happening in front of them.  You play the victim and say that your voice needs to be heard after you brutally rendered me voiceless.  Our children see me as the persecutor, and I will have to labor heroically and against discouraging odds not to lose them because you continue to fail to be accountable.  You have no idea the damage you have done, what I have given and what you have taken from me and our children.  You paint me as a monster, not understanding that you have squandered a life with a kind, gentle, loving soul.

WW

[RolandOfEld]

Wentworth, I found your words heart-rending, so powerful that I am nearly in tears here at my office desk, of course because it falls so close to my own situation. I feel your pain so deeply, and your last line sums up what I want to say better than I ever could:

"You paint me as a monster, not understanding that you have squandered a life with a kind, gentle, loving soul."

I think everything is right there in that sentence for most of us. That pain of not just being rejected and condemned, but being so while knowing you have given this person more love and kindness than anyone in this universe is likely to give them. While they talk about finding someone else, so blind to the fact that the next person will either be gone at the first sign of abuse, or worse, hit them back.

~ROE

[Radcliff]

"You paint me as a monster, not understanding that you have squandered a life with a kind, gentle, loving soul."

I think everything is right there in that sentence for most of us. That pain of not just being rejected and condemned, but being so while knowing you have given this person more love and kindness than anyone in this universe is likely to give them. While they talk about finding someone else, so blind to the fact that the next person will either be gone at the first sign of abuse, or worse, hit them back.

Roland, when I wrote that last sentence, I was thinking of you, pearlsw, BasementDweller, and all the rest of us.

WW

[BasementDweller]

"You paint me as a monster, not understanding that you have squandered a life with a kind, gentle, loving soul."

I'm going to chime in here and say that I'm also teary eyed and nodding in agreement here. This about sums it up. It's so sad, because at the core of all people with BPD (and at the core of just about anyone, I can imagine) we all just want to be loved and accepted for who we are. Our partners have found that, despite having a set of circumstances that makes it a bit more challenging. They are getting exactly what they crave, but as WW said - they squander it. It's heartbreaking.

When I first met my partner he said that the one thing that had been missing from his life was the right woman that would stand by his side in the toughest of times, and he would stand by hers. He mentioned hearing a radio program where an elderly couple who had been married for nearly 60 years was discussing the key to longevity in a relationship, and the man said that most people think love is about all the fun, and the good times, and being infatuated with your partner when everything is good, but that wasn't the case. He said that real love was weathering the toughest of times together and making it through the lowest lows as a team. We both agreed that made a lot of sense and we liked that philosophy. There was a time where my partner had a clear headed vision about what he wanted out of life, and he recognized me as the sort of person that he had waited his whole life for.

Sadly, his ex wife of 12 years walked out on him while they had two small children ages 3 and 6. She had begun an affair with a work colleague, a much younger and more subservient man with some wealth to his name. She kicked my partner out of the large house they owned together, much of which he had renovated with his own hands, and he was forced to go buy a much smaller house for himself, but stay in the neighborhood due to co-parenting and the kids' school district.

She married her affair partner, and he being quite young at the time entered into this taking the role as step-father but never having any biological children of his own. It was an odd situation. My partner has to live with this man as regular part of his life forever, perhaps less so when the kids are grown and moved out. But still. I understand how much that must have destroyed him. The one thing he has said is that she never tried to address the issues with him. She never tried to work on the marriage or say she was unhappy, and try to save the family unit or honor her commitment to him if it was at all possible. Knowing her, and the culture in this country we live in, I believe it. People don't talk to each other here. Any sort of uncomfortable topics are taboo. People just disappear. There's a sickness of the soul in this society, some sort of "avoidance disease" and I can't really wrap my head around it. And I will not participate in it. I will fight for what I believe in. I don't care if I am the only one doing it. I don't care if I have to stand alone in this.

What part of him now fails to recognize that he found someone trustworthy? Someone who entered into his life and never once complained about the responsibility of two teenage boys in the mix - and all their friends and all that goes along with it. He asked me over and over again "Are you sure you want to sign on for this?" I signed on for good, and I loved every minute of it. I never once saw them as "just his kids". I split all the costs and all the chores and all the responsibility. I never lost my patience with them when they bickered. I never got annoyed with them. His wife left him over a decade ago, and NO woman has stepped in to fill this role before. I was a dream come true for him for a while, and then something inside him snapped and now I'm left wondering what sort of twilight zone I have entered into - that he doesn't even recognize me - the one person in all his years on this planet that loved him unconditionally and did NOT abandon him.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi all, I'm going to use the space one more time while the emotion is still fresh:

I'm lonely enough in this country, and still you try to take everyone I care about away from me. You breaking ties with your own friends and family isn't enough, you have to do it to mine. I already have no one here. You had to ruin my last trip home and last time with my grandmother. You had to ruin my precious one day with my best friend. I go to visit my rabbi's wife and pay my last respects to the rabbi who I loved, and all you do is give me pressure to get home. I give so much but all you do is take. And even after you take you still work to hurt.

You call me a bad parent and then use my children as weapons against me. I leave my country and give up my job to help your pursue your dream, and you destroy my clothes when I can't give any more. You only hate my family because you believe they will reject you, which was never close to true. They welcomed you, always. They loved you, even if it wasn't the exact way you wanted. You could only complain how no one understood you or your culture. I'm so tired of this. Your relationship with them is your own and was never my responsibility. It was not my job to protect you from slights that didn't exist. You are on your own now in terms of your relationship with them. I will protect you or help you no longer.

~ROE

[pearlsw]

Hey ROE,

Just saw your post. I'm wandering around in the foreign country I live in and was composing an add-on to this post as well... .I don't think I can get it all out in the few minutes I have, but I wanted to say I care so much about the pain and disappointment you are feeling. It is a big deal to offer your life to someone, to put your heart in their hands, and have the best of intentions and be treated like a verbal/emotional punching bag.

I think I wanted to say to my potential future ex-SO just simply, "Why?" "Why are you destroying our last chances instead of using them to make it better?""Time is running out. When I go there will be no getting me back." "You claim to LOVE ME and want to spend our lives together but you are making it impossible. I am so embarrassed of the things you do. They are unspeakably awful. Though I am glad for many things, I wish these behaviors had never been a part of my life. You have brought me suffering and pain like I never imagined possible. Just pain raining down on me week to week to week. And for what? To show me you can destroy love and me? You won't destroy me. You won't. And here I am grieving for your future loss of me more than I grieve for my future loss  of you."

~pearl.

hugs to all!   

[RolandOfEld]

You have brought me suffering and pain like I never imagined possible. Just pain raining down on me week to week to week. And for what? To show me you can destroy love and me? You won't destroy me. You won't. And here I am grieving for your future loss of me more than I grieve for my future loss  of you."

Wow, pearls. Like Wentworth's sharing, your words could have been written straight from my own heart. This pain and suffering I am facing now is something I never expected to experience in this life and something I think most of the people around me never will. Who do I know sleeps on an improvised bed of mats at 1 am in the living room because their partner intentionally turned off the AC in the bedroom, entire body pricked in attention of fear they will come out to further harass me? Who lives most afraid in their own home?

Last night (when this happened) I thought of all my friends and family sleeping next to their partners, feeling safe, while I am like this. I know we assume too much when we look at all the happy couple FB photos and assume it's perfect, but I think it's a pretty safe bet that very few people close to us go through what we go through. When I think of marriages where people complain of marriage problems like boredom or losing the spark, I want to scream. I would take just feeling safe in my own home!

I also grieve for her possible future loss of me more than my loss of her. It's sad for me that someone who has so much good in them may lose a partner and lead a lonely life. But I have the ability to find someone who will love me for real and I'm not going to finish my time in this world without experiencing that, even if it's only for one day.

Thank you for opening this thread, pearls. I really want you to find the kind of love you deserve!  

~ROE

[pearlsw]

Hey ROE,

Appreciate your company very much! It has always meant so much to me that you get the extra complications of an overseas life.  It’s helping me too at this crisis time when I am not always heard, and if heard, not always understood…and even then the demands to repeat and repeat…and squeeze all the energy out of me... .

Me today so far:

And now to top it off you want to tell me how an "abused person" should *honorably* respond to "abuse"? No. Just no.

Before I searched for support groups you know what I had to do? I had to call suicide hotlines. I was not suicidal but they are willing to talk to people in “emotional distress” and I took that option because for days of you either giving me an extremely hard time, or not talking to me, just that, those were the only human voices and support I had. And you know what they ALL said? That I should forgive myself. I was isolated and saw no way out…it is still hard to find a way out with no friends here, no social contacts, a foreign language, and needing your *help*.

Of course I wish I hadn’t made painful mistakes, but my intentions were not to hurt you, they were to save me. You INTENTIONALLY hurt me. You are the one who betrayed the relationship by breaking it off hundreds of times and turning if off and on like a light switch. And then... .and then... .expecting loyalty, trust and honor that you weren't giving. You said so. Over and over. That you were trying to hurt me. But I am immoral? (and that’s putting it nicely) One day you say you understand, then you don’t. I know you can’t remain consistent and balanced. I care how you feel and for your pain, but you are not the center of everything.

You spend the last 3 days intentionally trying to make me hate you and I’m the “a**hole” this morning because you can’t regulate your emotions? Nice. Good morning.

[RolandOfEld]

Pearls, I think sometimes saying what you want to say paints an even clearer picture of what you are going through for us (your friends) than pages of details.

I was isolated and saw no way out…it is still hard to find a way out with no friends here, no social contacts, a foreign language, and needing your *help*.

That's it right there, the feeling of being absolutely alone and so many thousands of miles from anyone you love who can help. Meanwhile, the person who should be our biggest support is instead our worst enemy and right next to us at all times. How does life get that messed up? Yes we made our choices to live abroad, but we didn't see this coming.

... .my intentions were not to hurt you, they were to save me. You INTENTIONALLY hurt me.

This is the part I can never wrap my mind and heart around no matter how well I understand BPD. The intentional part. That they actively want to hurt, even after all the terrible things she did to me in the last few days I still kept my promise to watch the kids, made a healthy dinner and offered it to her, and still she wants to hurt intentionally. Right there with you, friend. 

~ROE
 

[Catlady3.14]

I wish I could say... .you're breaking me. I'm becoming bitter and numb and I've given all of myself to prove my worth.
I have tried to fight, I have tried to love and it is never enough.
It's one broken promise after another. I feel used. I feel old. I feel broken.o
I want nothing more than a family and to grow old together. Watch ou r children grow up. Have more. But I can't handle going through this he'll anymore. I need you to try. Show some effort. Go to therapy, get better for yourself. I can't fix you. I can only work on me I can't control you. I can only control me.

You said once you could see the world in my eyes. That was the moment I thought would last forever. I thought. I love you that much too and maybe you would make me feel like I was worth it. Then I wake up.  Where is that man?
And I'm here. Being yelled at being wore down. Being nothing some days.
You tear yourself apart. I watch you cut and destroy and rage from your pain and it breaks my heart.
 I know I'm next when you're done shredding yourself and there's not much left of me.
When you say you love me I block it out because it hurt too much when you take it away.I'm Numb 
I'm taking !myself back and I'm sorry if it hurts you. I wanted to be enough.

[Catlady3.14]

I posted before I read through the thread. But I have read all of your words and they sum up every emotion.
I'm sorry you all have felt this same pain. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

[pearlsw]

Hi Catlady3.14,

Thank you for sharing with us here! I can relate to feeling numbed out by all this, to be tired of feeling like I'm being asked to prove my worth.

I agree, it is truly heartbreaking to be loved like this!

What are you doing to take yourself back?

warmly, pearl.

[pearlsw]

I just wish I could say... .

I'm getting ready to take off for my trip and reflecting on all the lost time recently... .I've given you so many chances to let things be the way you say you wanted them to be... .I miss being able to give and receive love in a healthy, easy way. You've been a little tornado!

Looking back, I was so innocent when I came to you... .I really wanted us to have the best life together that we could imagine... .So many things came in our way... .I am so sorry you have this illness and for the pain it brings both of us... .

You've always been a bit difficult [name], but you meant the world to me... .I worry about you. I hope you will be safe. Please remember to eat and not spend all the time drinking... .Vodka is not a food group [name]. Try to take it easy. And be happy.

I hope you and your latest imaginary girlfriend have fun!  Sorry! I had to say that! You were so... .ridiculous about this... .ay, ay, ay! Sleep in your bed, not on the side of the road... .and don't hurt yourself... .May Allah watch over and protect you [name].

Look all around [name], we are in a beautiful place, we had such a great chance at a beautiful life... .but sadly you kept burning it down... .over and over and over... .It is a tragedy.

I wish you peace [name]. And that you may be free of suffering.

-me.

[mylovewbpd]

Oh man, I read the past posts and I feel like BD in saying that I'm afraid to start because I won't be able to stop... .but here goes... .

When I met you I was one year from my last breakup, one that left me so depressed and alone. My ex had cheated and then left abruptly and so I was cautious about starting a new relationship with you. We became friends first.  You seemed to have a lot of drama in your life from your FOO (family of origin) and were struggling with your new life in the city. My co-dependent nature swooped in and tried to rescue.  I enjoyed how clingy and needy you were because I thought it meant that you needed me and you wouldn't leave me like my last relationship.  We had an amazing relationship in the beginning.  You seemed to like all the same things as me, you disliked the same things. We had the same values, it seemed.  What could be better right?  But that was all a farce.  You mimicked me to gain my trust and then got me to marry you.  We were married after a year and a half of dating and I was so happy.  So excited at our future together. 

You told me you wanted to go back to college and had immigration issues... .there I went to the rescue again... .we enrolled you in college and started immigration paperwork and got you legal.  I helped you with your term papers and edited your written work. I even did some of your homework when you were so busy at work that you didn't have time.  I took more of the financial burden from you so you could pay for school.  I did WAY too much but the plan was that after you were taken care of, it would be my turn to finish college.  I thought that all my hard work, dedication and support would be reciprocated someday.  Funny how, everything fell apart right as it was going to be my turn to need you.

We fought very little, you internalized everything.  I would get a temper tantrum from you about once a month over something very small and simple and I thought that was just you venting.  You were a work-a-holic and gave all your energy to your FOO and friends at work... .I never felt I was a priority, not once.  If anyone else needed you, even if we were on a date or romantic weekend getaway (which I always had to plan), you would drop me in a heartbeat to attend to that "crisis". I also noticed that whenever we were going to visit your FOO, you would immediately get agitated. You would bicker with me all the way there.  Your childhood trauma was obvious but you would always blame me. I made a face, I started it, I was taking too long to get ready.

You detached from me last summer, or so you say.  You say you knew you didn't love me way back then. You said we were just roommates in your eyes. Yet you kept up the facade.  Through the rest of 2017 you told me you loved me every single day, we went on dates and vacations that I paid for, you let me finalize your green card and went to the interview seemingly so happy and in love with me.  You gave me a birthday card in November that made me cry it was so sweet.  You needed to keep me around just a little longer as you planned your exit.  You told coworkers a story about me holding you back in life and being controlling and made me look like a sad older woman who didn't let you have fun.  Everyone knew you were going to leave me, but me. You grew anxious, had insomnia, obsessed over your phone, hid your phone from me, and stopped helping around the house (after you had been almost OCD before about cleanliness).  You told me you were overworked and had projects that would be done soon so you were just anxious because of work.  You became more verbally abusive; mentioning my weight and habits as though I was now disgusting to you.

On Valentine's Day you told me you didn't love me anymore.  You said you didn't feel anything at all.  You wanted out.  You wanted to separate.  You didn't even care that you were graduating from college soon.  Life had lost it's meaning.  We talked about counseling, you started but after 3 sessions you stopped.  You said your counselor was "too hard on you".  You told me that she told you that we should separate!  I was shocked... .then later you told me the truth, that she said you shouldn't make rash decisions and leave but you lied to justify your wanting out. 

You moved out in April and now every time I see you, you look like you haven't showered or slept in days.  You have lost so much weight from not eating.  You wear jackets all day to hide self-harm.  You sleep in lots of days, I know because you randomly reach out to me at odd hours and talk about not working that day.  You can sometimes be nice and sweet and give me compliments, then the next day you ignore my texts and pretend like we hardly knew one another.  I am confused and hurt and I feel used.  I want to help but this is not my fight to fight. I have to let you go. You don't want to repair this or seek counseling... .in fact you say you don't need it... .the relationship was what was wrong and you just fell out of love. No big deal right?  My vows meant something to me and I would have NEVER left, not for mental illness... .not for anything probably other than physical abuse or cheating. I didn't leave. You left me. You had someone who would have done anything for you and helped you realize so many dreams and you left her one month before she had to have surgery so you wouldn't have to support her through that.  You left 2 months before your college graduation and after all her support in getting you to finish, you told her you don't want her at the graduation ceremony.  I cannot feed your need for attention anymore.  I cannot bear this push and pull exercise that you have become a master of.  I need to file for divorce and pray that you will one day see that you desperately need help. You will repeat this pattern in the future if you don't and hurt so many more people.  I, on the other hand, will do everything in my power to get healthy.  I will not repeat this pattern of co-dependency. I will go to therapy and love myself again.  It is time. I will never know how much of our love was real... .or if any of it was.  All I know is that I loved you completely and fully and without malice or reservation.  You have to live with your choices and that is your cross to bear, not mine anymore. 

[Catlady3.14]

Wow mylovewBPD. I bet that felt good to get that out. You went through a lot and I know how hurt you feel. I'm sorry. I'm glad you've decided to go to therapy and love yourself.

I'm going to ask the same thing pearl asked me.

What are you doing to take yourself back and love yourself?

My answer.
Little things. I am deciding for myself what I like and who and how I'm going to dress eat dance.
I'm tired of being scared to rock the boat. I feel like I want to be myself because I like me.
I am respectful but no longer tip toeing around. And no longer juat tolerating verbal abuse.

[CryWolf]

“I still love you”

[mylovewbpd]

Hello CatLady,
I guess one of the biggest things I did, right away, to love myself was reconnecting with friends I had lost touch with because of my marriage with a person suffering BPD. She was extremely jealous, clingy, manipulative, and hardly wanted to go out. Especially in the last year. I now get to go out and see the movies I want to see and try new restaurants! My friends have been a HUGE support system for me as well. Once I told them everything about how and why we had lost touch... .they welcomed me with open arms.  I have lost some family and mutual friends of my spouse but that is ok. She gave them a narrative to believe and I have a feeling they will see, when her next relationship blows up, that there is a problem with her and the truth.

Therapy is also an act of self love. I am a confident, smart, successful person and, while I'm not ready to date yet, I want to be my best self for my next spouse. Not a rescuer, not a pushover, a whole person inside and out.

[pearlsw]

Hello CatLady,
I guess one of the biggest things I did, right away, to love myself was reconnecting with friends I had lost touch with because of my marriage with a person suffering BPD.

Therapy is also an act of self love. I am a confident, smart, successful person and, while I'm not ready to date yet, I want to be my best self for my next spouse. Not a rescuer, not a pushover, a whole person inside and out.

Hey mylovewBPD, (& Catlady!)

This sounds so great! What an inspiration you are! Thanks for sharing and hope to hear more in the future!

wishing you lots of love!

warmly, pearl.