[First Post] How badly did you cope before the lightbulb went on?

[Sarge6]

I’ve turned to lying like a rug to forestall the chance of a rage, and I drink like a fish (beer) to mellow the anxiety.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

Hi Sarge6,

I didn't lie but I drank beer in the backyard to escape conflict. And this triggered my ex whose father drank and was violent (I wasn't) when she was a kid. 

What's going on and how can we help? What do you lie about to forestall her rage and what does her rage look like?

Turkish

[pearlsw]

Hi Sarge6,

Oh my! We're listening. How much anxiety is this causing you? What's been going on?

take care, pearl.

[formflier]

I sort of laid low for a while as I sucked up all the information I could find about BPD.  I had known for a few years that "something" wasn't right.  Reading Stop Walking on Eggshells ("SWOE" on these boards) was huge for me, because I assumed it was all my fault... and I was the only one affected by this.

It was helpful for me to "define it" or "name it"... .it gave me focus.

Now... back to you.  I want to join pearlsw and Turkish in welcoming you and letting you know we are listening... .and we "get it"

FF

[snowglobe]

Dear @Sarge6, welcome to the forum! I’m sorry you are having a hard time coping with pwBPD in your life. It took me 16 years and many days of self blame, tears, depression and anxiety to figure out that something wasn’t right. I belong to the type of people, who are natural born pleasers and caretaker, who overcompensated for both of us in the relationships. The worse his behaviour was, the more I clang and tried to make things work. I went to school for psychology, and it was the first time I heard a term BPD. At that time I was still actively trying to deny and distance myself from the fact that my so has a mental illness. I went shopping compulsory, never enough to damage the budget, as I’m responsible for money management. Just something to take shift the attention. I also sped on the streets, which became a problem. I had to face legal and otherwise consequences, so that part is done with for sometime now. Currently this forum is my “managing technique”. Can you give us a little more information on your circumstances?

[Red5]

Welcome Sarge6,

Nothing wrong with "hoisting" a few to calm your nerves, just got to be careful, and remain in the "self protect zone".

So do you suspect that your significant other is a borderline personality disordered person (pw/BPD)?

Can you tell us more about what you are experiencing?

Many of us here have become quite adept at "filtering" what we say, share, and tell our significant others to avoid conflict.

Again, welcome aboard, this is a good and safe place to come and vet your feelings that you are experiencing.

Red5

[PeteWitsend]

Oddly enough, in my case, my actions toward my UBPDw werent really any different before the lightbulb went on. 

my strategy of listening, acknowledging feelings, and trying to accommodate them was basically the same as "listening with empathy." I tried to listen and comply with her requests, even though her complaints and actions were never really consistent to me, nor were they I supposed, honest. I was generally bewildered.

Before people told me about the possibility of BPD, namely that her behavior "checked the boxes," and her history indicated she suffered the sort of childhood trauma that might lead to BPD... .I still had hope that her behavior was due to a lack of "family support" as she claimed (she immigrated to the US by herself) and later anxiety and hormonal changes due to the birth of our son.

Now, After learning about BPD, I'm no longer as bewildered by her behavior, but  I lost that hope

though the excuses change, the behavior remains the same, and always will.

[PeteWitsend]

in SWOE, they say non-BPDs usually go through several stages after learning about the nature of BPD and that a SO may have it.  These stages aren't a linear progression - one may go back and forth - and may take years to fully play out.

I first learned about BPD about 2 years ago.  my coping mechanisms and reactions to my spouse's behavior are still developing.

The nature of setting boundaries and taking the focus off the pwBPD's behavior, and focusing on your own... .wow.  reading and comprehending them on a superficial level is easy for me; comprehending them more profoundly, and staying consistent when faced with the chaotic and unpredictable emotional responses of a PWBPD are a lot harder for me.

[braveSun]

Hey Sarge6

You have a good question to start with for sure. I did have a time where I used wine to numb my feelings, got into junk foods binges, scoured the internet and learned a lot about BPD and PDs in general, went to support groups in my city. Got into a group therapy eventually. Had a phase where I tried to set boundaries which were too rigid and not really working. Went through a period where I worked out a lot, and this at least had a more healthy kind of effect on me. Took many many long walks. Ended up here. Was a good thing.

More to your question, I obsessed a lot. That's the qualifying part.
It's a process I'd say.

You've landed at a good place here.