Just when you thought you had it down. I've never seen anything like this.

[babyducks]

Hi Basement Dweller

How are you today?    How are you feeling?

I read a book a couple of years ago and it said something so well,   it seemed so very true for me that I remember the line almost word for word.

"The borderline personality is programmed to sabotage relationships, to drive partners away, and to paradoxically be most at home when suffering from yet another perceived abandonment - even when the borderline partner worked hard (often unconsciously) to arrange this."

I do think that there is some sort of psychotic delusion going on right now. I'm not sure what all has happened to make him go this far down the rabbit hole for this long.

I didn't use to be able to tell apart the bipolar stuff and the BPD stuff in my ex.   eventually I could see the bipolar triggers.   they were mostly physical.   Sleep.  Food.   and Alcohol.   caffeine.   the BPD triggers were more emotional... .life stress.  hurt feelings.   feelings of being ignored.    the bipolar mania took a long time to resolve and for her thinking to become more rational again.    after the going-out-for-a-ride-in-a-blizzard because storms have messages, it took her about 6 weeks to settle into more organized thinking.

My presence triggers shame and regret about things. Why and how it got to this, I don't know. Its really sad.

My Ex used to self harm in non standard ways.    Never cut or burnt herself.   She tripped and fell or slipped on the ice a couple of times a year.   Almost like clock work.    And she used me to harm herself.    that was very hard to deal with.   I found that she would stir things up in the relationship... .way beyond picking a fight …. just creating chaos to make the outside match her inside.    she would push and push on me until I snapped at her or yelled and then she felt better.   making me the agent of her punishment in a way.   

are you getting out and being around people who are not dsyregulated at all?  spending any time with friends?    going to a park?  museum?   library?

'ducks

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[BasementDweller]

"The borderline personality is programmed to sabotage relationships, to drive partners away, and to paradoxically be most at home when suffering from yet another perceived abandonment - even when the borderline partner worked hard (often unconsciously) to arrange this."

I found that she would stir things up in the relationship... .way beyond picking a fight …. just creating chaos to make the outside match her inside.    she would push and push on me until I snapped at her or yelled and then she felt better.   making me the agent of her punishment in a way.   

are you getting out and being around people who are not dysregulated at all?  spending any time with friends?    going to a park?  museum?   library?

Hi! How are you doing?   

I am not doing so hot. Everything you said makes sense, and I am currently experiencing everything you said in those quotes. To the letter. I refrained from logging on again to rant, until some time had passed since my last post... .but things got horribly ugly yesterday evening - the last night before he left for his trip this morning.

First, I was contacted by my ex-husband (whom I split with many years ago - he lives in the states) who told me that my partner had begun following him on Instagram. He didn't really notice because he doesn't know who he is, and it's more of a business page, so it has thousands of followers. However, he emailed my ex and told him all sorts of horrible things about me, that he was desperate for help, because I was trying to destroy him and he was becoming weaker and weaker everyday, because I was systematically trying to ruin his life. He implored my ex-husband to "help him" because he was afraid for his life, and he feared for my safety, his, and that of his kids. It was... .shocking.  My ex forwarded me the mail. Heartbreaking, ranting, delusional, and really hurtful. I couldn't let this pass. I told him that I was aware of what he had done and that it was inappropriate to contact my ex that way.

He tried to defend his actions, then later came running up the stairs, verbally bashing me while I was at the kitchen sink washing pans. He started shouting accusations and profanities at me, then claimed he had called the police and asked their permission to "do this" and he turned his phone on to record and stuck it in my face, and waited for me to respond in some way that might make me look unstable. (Not his first attempt to do this.) He had me sort of cornered at the sink, and I calmly tried to use the back of my had to push his arm and the phone away from my face. He became more aggressive, and fearing I'd touch or grab his phone, he tried to adjust his grip on it and dropped it into the sink with the hot soapy dishwater. It died.

And now it's my fault I "destroyed his phone."

I didn't sleep a wink last night. I'm useless at work today. He didn't either. He left for a long road trip to the corporate office exhausted and completely disheveled.

With a heavy heart, I am starting to think that he isn't coming out of the rabbit hole, and maybe this isn't sustainable. His children haven't been home in almost a month and he blames me for this. I believe he has started the smear campaign of me to the whole family who once loved me. I fear he's just going to descend further. I don't want it to be like this at all. I want peace and harmony and tranquility - a loving relationship. He's doing everything in his power to push for the exact opposite. I feel so heartbroken.

Right now, I don't have much time to do anything but work, and brave the long congested commute. Not really soothing. I'll do a little yard work this evening if I can muster the strength, and enjoy the peace and quiet.

[babyducks]

Hi Basement Dweller.

I am so sorry.   You are a good person and you do not deserve this.   Nothing you have done or said warrants this type of behavior.    You made no mistakes.    Mental illness.   Serious, severe mental illness does this.

if I can muster the strength

I am going to encourage you to muster strength like it's your full time job right now.    do everthing you can think of to grow your reserves, care for yourself, line up allies and advocates, call in all the favors you are owned, let people take care of you, eat well, get out into the fresh air and sunlight.


use his road trip as a rebuilding period for yourself.    you've been through a lot.


'ducks

[BasementDweller]

Thank you, 'ducks. It's all just so sad - feels like a nightmare I can't wake up from. If this cannot be repaired, I am going to miss those two kids that I embraced as my own family. The house and yard I did so much work on. The man I loved despite his difficulties and imperfections. If he would be willing to rip all of that out from underneath me after all the kindness, generosity and open-heartedness I have showed his entire family - and him... .I really don't know if I can ever believe in anything anymore.

[SunandMoon]

Dear BD

I am so sorry. This is really out of control and must be unbearable for you.

That he contacted your ex husband and made such crazy allegations is almost unbelievable. I would be furious! You've kept it together really well but he's really pushing the limits on what anyone can put up with.

I have to wonder what else he's been telling people. You said you usually get on well with his ex-wife... .do you feel comfortable meeting up with her and asking what's going on? It might help you to understand what is happening with his sons, as well as give you an opportunity to correct any other wild accusations he's been making. She was married to him once; she's probably experienced similar behaviour. What do you think?

Please use this week of respite to take very good care of yourself. You deserve some extra kindness and special treats, even if they come from yourself.

[BasementDweller]

Dear BD

I am so sorry. This is really out of control and must be unbearable for you.

That he contacted your ex husband and made such crazy allegations is almost unbelievable. I would be furious! You've kept it together really well but he's really pushing the limits on what anyone can put up with.

I have to wonder what else he's been telling people. You said you usually get on well with his ex-wife... .do you feel comfortable meeting up with her and asking what's going on? It might help you to understand what is happening with his sons, as well as give you an opportunity to correct any other wild accusations he's been making. She was married to him once; she's probably experienced similar behaviour. What do you think?

Please use this week of respite to take very good care of yourself. You deserve some extra kindness and special treats, even if they come from yourself.

Hi, sunandmoon! (I almost said, "Hi S&M! But then thought better of it.) 

Unfortunately reaching his ex-wife will not be possible in the thick of it. She and I have always got along well, but she is notorious for being high strung and over-reactive herself when stressed. And she's very typical of the culture here - very avoidant, and very uncomfortable with discussing anything that might not be totally pleasant. She and I talked ONCE briefly about this, and she alluded to the fact that I wasn't the crazy one, and she understood. That was all I got, and that was a year ago.

A lot has happened since then, and I am sure he has been stirring the pot for a while now. Also, as my once very logical ex told me when I lamented as to why she was hammering on me when she KNOWS I have always been nice to her and the whole family, yet giving him a pass (or so it seems) when she knows he's unstable, "Because the truth is uncomfortable for her. It's easier to scapegoat you, a relative newcomer to the mix, than the father of her children whom she has to live with for the rest of her life. It's easier to believe that you're the problem than it is to have to accept just how unhinged her kids' biological father really is."

 

So yeah, I think I'll just lay low for a while She's in full blown control freak mode, and I want no part of it.

This morning I told my partner to send me a text when he got where he was going safely. He muttered something about being a good driver and why do I care.

The hour came and went when he long ago should have arrived. I messaged "Are you there safely? Hope so."

Left it there.

He let me stew until nearly three hours longer than the trip should have taken, and eventually wrote: "You destroyed my phone! I can't believe you did that!"

Me: "Yay! Glad you're safe." (He has a work phone as well. His personal phone has not risen from its watery grave.)

It's nice and quiet around here. Watering the lawn and enjoying a glass of red wine - without him here to call me an alco. Glorious. 

[Lady Itone]

Basement Dweller, It's really sounding as if things are not safe there. This doesn't sound to me like a man on a tantrum-induced smear campaign, he sounds truly delusional and as if he believes these things he's saying.

Babyducks's ex saw messages in storms. Mine sees people in the clouds who tell her to do things. There's no doubt in my mind that the "ghosts" she sees are real to her. What really spooks me in when she sees people I recognize, or someone I thought I dreamed... .

Anyway, I think romantic relationships ARE triggers to many traumatized people. It's sad as heck. And I definitely recognize the phenomena Babyducks describes:

just creating chaos to make the outside match her inside.    she would push and push on me until I snapped at her or yelled and then she felt better.   making me the agent of her punishment in a way.

   

It's not the nons fault, but its sucks for us nonetheless.

[SlyQQ]

Another word of warning BD, a smear campaign can be very nasty, targeting your , parents, workmates, and children, needless to say the police, violence orders death threats, framing you etc etc any secrets or weaknesses your partner holds can and will be used against you, until you have been through it you will not believe it , be careful!

[BasementDweller]

LadyItone and slyQQ - hello, again and thank you! 

You both make good points. I feel unsafe right now, and yes, there is some odd sort of delusions happening, as well as a possible smear campaign going on. I can't help but think about my role in all of this.

I've done the Meyers Briggs type test a number of times, both in my youth, and recently as part of an employment assessment. I've done the short version (80 questions, I think?) and the long (over 200 questions - a number of times.) My result never varies.

Introvert (100%) Intuitive (75%) Thinking (100%) Judging (81%)

Strong to distinctive preferences in all categories. Apparently, quite judgemental, and totally inside myself, with zero feelings. I must be fun at parties. :-(

I'm not sure that's all there is to me, but the test results aren't so off the mark, and maybe we are on to something. Maybe I am not so cut out for being a good partner to anyone - or at least anyone who feels... .anything. I have started to delve into this with my new T, and she gets it. It can be really hard for very different personalities to mesh - even if there is love there.

I agree, feeling/being safe is important, and if I have the choice, I'd very much like to have that!

Loud, raised voices and verbal (or, of course, physical abuse) are not ok. It's fine if someone gets upset and vents a little, or "snaps" as they say, and after a bit of a tantrum, can come down to earth again. I'm pretty resilient, but when it is a prolonged event, or there's cruelty or personal attacks involved, then yes, it gets very uncomfortable.

So my boundaries in any relationship, I think, would be:
1.) I prefer honest open dialog, and reasonable acceptance /discussion of differing opinions, without personal attacks.
2.) Venting anger is ok, but a barrage of shouting insults, I am not comfortable with.
3.) I also want to be heard, and not have my asking to have my needs acknowledged occasionally be seen as a personal affront. (I suppose this is more of a desire than a boundary.)
4.) Live in the here and now, and look toward the future with a positive and proactive view of what is needed to best assure success in the relationship. I do not want to continue to re-hash old disputes that have long since passed by.
5.) My list of what I cannot tolerate is really short: Threats, ultimatums, personal attacks.

(Note, our relationship has never been threatened by infidelity, financial irresponsibility, an absence of passion/attraction etc. None of the "big killers." Most of our battles have literally been triggered by a minor disagreement that escalated to a volcanic eruption.) Examples: Opinions about food preparation/dinner plans, preferred dog breeds, movie choices, best countries to visit while on holiday. It's always about things that most would consider a differing viewpoint on very trivial things. Most couples, or people in general, would say, "Oh, ok, I have a different opinion"... .and that would be ok. And deep down, I know it's not about the food, or the dog breeds, or movies... .it's about a failure to connect and be collaborative when there's any kind of dilemma. We both have very different coping styles. He's emotional, I'm logical, and "wise mind" hasn't made it to the party yet. ;-)

With my partner, differences of opinion between us are deeply troubling for him, and he reacts in a very volatile way to these things. I suppose in the past I have failed to respond in kind. Because, as I know now, I was applying my logic to his emotions, which is a recipe for failure.

It's like trying to cut a stick of frozen butter with a water balloon.

I know I invalidated him by saying "What? It's no big deal! This is not a relevant threat in the grand scheme of life!" At the time, that was the only response I knew. I know my inability to be emotionally astute is half of the problem - though it's not easy to admit.

To him, these things were relevant threats. At least his feelings about them were. I still struggle with this. HOW to best respond without being invalidating, meanwhile not allowing myself to be bowled over by an emotional tsunami of blame and rage... .over the best way to boil an egg. There has to be a middle ground of sorts, but I haven't truly found it yet.

This is likely why I suck at everything - especially well rounded people who can actually feel stuff: https://www.16personalities.com/intj-strengths-and-weaknesses

[babyducks]

Hi Basement Dweller,

I hope you had a well deserved peaceful nights rest. 

I am wondering if you have identified your personal line in the sand.    The line at which point things change into a not sustainable relationship.    for me I could feel things building and building in my relationship.    I made a couple of efforts to hold the relationship together.   they were kind of feeble half hearted attempts.    and then my ex let rip with a major push.   and I let myself be pushed.    she did the "I've had enough, I am not doing this anymore.  I am trying as hard as I can and you ~say~ you are trying as hard as you can.   I am not doing this anymore."    and I said "okay".   she said 'what?'   and I said 'okay'.

there was probably two weeks where I could have gone all in to save things.    and during that two weeks I went back and forth in my head about which way to go.   being all engineer like I drew graphs.    literally.    try to save things or let it go graphs.    for two weeks I was all over those graphs.    but I was tired.   just soul weary.    and I could see the advantages to me, if she was pushing that was the ~better~ time for me to exit.   less fraught.   so she pushed and I let her.    which wasn't too hard.   and when she pulled I didn't let her.   that was harder.   and being disordered she pushed the relationship right into the gutter.   I didn't have to do much.  for me that was the right decision.  going with her natural reactions kept things calmer for me.   not easy.   and I struggled.     took me a little over a year before I could sit in my reclining chair and not be afraid the door was going to burst open with some one screaming at me.

don't know if that helps or not.    hope so.   

'ducks

[babyducks]

oops sorry cross posted.

It's always about things that most would consider a differing viewpoint on very trivial things. Most couples, or people in general, would say, "Oh, ok, I have a different opinion"... .and that would be ok. …/…/... .
With my partner, differences of opinion between us are deeply troubling for him, and he reacts in a very volatile way to these things.

people with BPD do not have a well defined sense of self.   they don't have the innate ability to stand on their own.  they struggle to identify likes and dislikes probably because they never successfully developed a separate identity as a child.   the only solution to this is to merge into an amoeba like oneness with who ever they are partnered with.    if they can't merge into an amoeba like oneness it feels like a threat to their very existence.     

you are doing good work.   hang in there!

[BasementDweller]

Hi Basement Dweller,

I hope you had a well deserved peaceful nights rest. 

I am wondering if you have identified your personal line in the sand.    The line at which point things change into a not sustainable relationship.    for me I could feel things building and building in my relationship.    I made a couple of efforts to hold the relationship together.   they were kind of feeble half hearted attempts.    and then my ex let rip with a major push.   and I let myself be pushed.    she did the "I've had enough, I am not doing this anymore.  I am trying as hard as I can and you ~say~ you are trying as hard as you can.   I am not doing this anymore."    and I said "okay".   she said 'what?'   and I said 'okay'.

there was probably two weeks where I could have gone all in to save things.    and during that two weeks I went back and forth in my head about which way to go.   being all engineer like I drew graphs.    literally.    try to save things or let it go graphs.    for two weeks I was all over those graphs.    but I was tired.   just soul weary.    and I could see the advantages to me, if she was pushing that was the ~better~ time for me to exit.   less fraught.   so she pushed and I let her.    which wasn't too hard.   and when she pulled I didn't let her.   that was harder.   and being disordered she pushed the relationship right into the gutter.   I didn't have to do much.  for me that was the right decision.  going with her natural reactions kept things calmer for me.   not easy.   and I struggled.     took me a little over a year before I could sit in my reclining chair and not be afraid the door was going to burst open with some one screaming at me.

don't know if that helps or not.    hope so.   

'ducks

It helps and it makes sense. I just have to be there and be ready. I'm not yet 100% sure that I want to leave this person I love. At least not entirely.

I wish we could start over, knowing what we know now. I seriously want to agree to ending this relationship here and now, and starting today as day one. Like we just met. A new beginning.

I wish it were possible to enter into a new relationship, with a “hindsight manual” of what can go wrong, what not to do, and how not to do it. I wish there was a way to know, right out of the starting gate, what your new partner’s needs are, and exactly how to meet them without messing it all up. It would make everything so much easier. But it’s never really “easy” is it? Because we’re all only human, and even with the best of intentions - we can, and often do get it wrong - at least the first time.

I wish there was a way to have a roadmap of all your new partner’s complexities, and detailed instructions on how to navigate them. So you don’t make mistakes. So you don’t fail. So you don’t waste time before you figure out “how to get it right.”

But sadly, nobody gets that... .

... .or do they?

[SlyQQ]

Hindsight manual

you can't win in a romantic relationship with a BPD.

its short,

[BasementDweller]

Hindsight manual

you can't win in a romantic relationship with a BPD.

its short,

Hey, SlyQQ -

I don’t care about winning. Just surviving the day to day stuff. Succeeding, perhaps. Winning, no. I don’t see it as a contest.

[SlyQQ]

Fair enough , your partner does though.

hope you survive, seriously.

[Catlady3.14]

Many succeed and fail in " normal" relationships.
Having a BPD in your life certainly makes it hard. But many relationships have succeeded with a BPD partner.  I haven't given up hope yet. Though many days I question why.

I totally get the push ducks. I think if my husband said go this ti me... I'd walk away for the least amount of pain. But so many times he has and I stay.

[babyducks]

Hi basement dweller,

I like your list of 5 items.   I have a pretty good idea about how long it took to write.   I can tell you put some time and thought into your list.

I'm wondering if there is a way to transfer that list into action that will help now during this rough patch.

[BasementDweller]

SlyQQ, I realize you are likely right about that. But what on earth is he winning? That's what I don't understand. This unrest can't feel good. As for me surviving... .I really don't know. I'm starting to doubt that. I think the stress of it all alone could be my undoing.

Cat lady, I would love to have it work if he ever returns to something sort of like a baseline. I fear I'm permanently painted black now, and the worst thing is - I don't even know that the trigger REALLY was this time. Maybe he just couldn't handle having to be accountable for his half of the commitment and the responsibilities that go with it.

':)ucks, I will try to put those things into motion to the best of my ability. I don't know if it will do much good in the end, or if he will ever really return to some degree of sanity. I have to just try to do the best I can and see what happens. It's so damn exhausting and has gone on for way too long now.

[SlyQQ]

Sorry BD I wanted to give you a heads up, this is the bettering board so i try to reserve my comments,

having said that this smells like very bad trouble, and you need to protect yourself, there is a time to let go of false hopes and promises and it is likely you are close to that.

It is highly unlikely,( though not impossible) at this stage even if he re-regulates and comes back to earth it will not happen again, and soon, and worse.

You ask what success is in a close BPD relationship, honestly i don't believe it is possible in any meaningful way,
avoiding catastrophic failure is in the vast majority of cases a best case scenario.

From where you are presently that is a very distant possibility, you have to find all your emotional armour,
please, If you want to even continue this relationship in the moderate term , might well put you in real phyisical and emotional danger, hanging in there and trying to ride it out will only make it worse, your partner will sense the danger of being abandoned and that will trigger all his fears,

please take care and be prepred, there are saftey packs ( advice packages )here skip might be able to help good luck

[BasementDweller]

Hi, Sly -

What a sad dilemma. When my only options are to hang in there, and trigger his abandonment fears more, or actually abandon him, thus fulfilling the prophecy. As you said, it's a little bit hard to just "give up" as we have built a lot in our 2.5 years together, and to abruptly just let it all shatter... .when I don't even know if that's what he really wants, or this is just some panic/fear/shame based meltdown. The unpredictability of it is maddening. When you are dealing with a disordered person, you don't have any way of gauging what they are actually trying to tell you, or where they are in their head.

[SunandMoon]

I partially agree with what Sly has said about being prepared and thinking about your safety, BD. You're in new and strange territory, he is exhibiting what seems to be psychotic as well as paranoid behaviour, so you should prepare for the worst case scenario - just in case.

However, with all due respect to Sly, I don't agree with sweeping generalisations about all BPD relationships. So much depends on the people involved - both partners.

In the first year of being with my husband - almost 13 years ago now - he exhibited 8 out of the 9 DSM criteria for diagnosing BPD. The only one he didn't fit was suicide, although I suspect the reckless driving was sometimes an attempt at suicide by motorbike accident.

Dysregulating, raging and silent treatment were weekly events. Dissociation and craziness, depression, mood swings, Jekyll and Hyde personality changes - you name it, I've seen it.   
It's been a wild ride and a lot of work but every year has gotten better.

Last month, we celebrated 7 straight months of NO dysregulation or raging. As close to marital bliss as I think is possible.

He broke our run with a mild wobbly early in April and a brief silent treatment of 3 days (as opposed to 3 week ST's being normal in the early years), returned quickly to baseline and we've had another month of peaceful closeness. I expect that to mostly continue... .

I'm not saying that's how this will be for you BD, or for many people struggling with these relationships, but I don't believe "... .avoiding catastrophic failure is in the vast majority of cases a best case scenario." Not at all.

How are you going BD? Any communication since he's been away?

[BasementDweller]

Hey, SunandMoon!

It sounds like you have had a rather challenging go of it for a while. Kudos to you for weathering the storm. I know all relationships (BPD or not) can be challenging and not all BPD's act exactly the same. It's an unpredictable road.

I'm surviving - thank you for asking! :-) I went out after work today with a good friend and had a couple of beers and dinner outdoors at a really nice place by the water, as we are having absolutely heavenly weather here around these parts. Not a ton of communication from dBPDbf, except for the "you destroyed my phone" exchange I described earlier.

However -

During dinner, my phone blew up. (It's almost as if he sensed I was having fun!) 

He had forgotten some important codes for his work phone (some pin code/puk code thing he needs for the sim card) and some other passwords for his CRM reports. (Stuff he should have taken with him.)

He was frantically calling and texting from a colleague's phone. Wanting my help.

I texted back that I was out and would be home in about an hour.

"PLEASE CALL ME ASAP WHEN YOU GET HOME."

I finished dinner (not in a hurry), got home, got comfortable, then called. Previously, I would have been in a panic, rushing home to rescue. This time... .not so much. I did help, but I did not rush. At all.

He was polite on the phone, but not exactly loving, haha. I found it ironic that he could be so nasty to me for days on end, then frantically demand my help later on. Most partners, in this situation, nons maybe, would say "Hey... .I know I have been an a$$hole lately. I'm sorry. I have to eat crow and ask for help here. Can you please call me? I forgot my pin codes."

None of that. Just frantic Wow ARE YOU HOME WHERE ARE YOU I NEED YOUR HELP PLEASE CALL ASAP Wow HELP MEEEEE. Like we're all good, and I just can't wait to jump up and rescue.

Ah well.

I agree that Sly has a point in saying that I should prepare for dangerous territory. I know that. I am actually making an exit plan, and meeting with legal counsel Friday morning - just in case I need a hasty exit and a legal advocate in the event that it gets ugly. Not my choice. Not what I would have wanted. Ever. But I probably do need to start looking out for myself in case he starts some scorched earth tactics.

Two questions - you said that the first few years were really hard and there was frequent dysregulation and silent treatment from your partner. Did he ever dysregulate for a month, or a month and a half, move into another room, tell you he wanted to break up, etc. - but yet really do nothing to take action on it? What did you do during the worst of times, when you just could not connect, and how did he come around?

I don't really know what the trigger was this time, or why he keeps spiraling downward with no new events even happening. It's like there's a tornado of chaos in his head, and he's just caught up in the whirling spiral, being thrown about with no real way to land safely. Meanwhile, I'm here on the other side of the field, watching the Category 5, and thinking "I need to get out of the way of this, but I can't stop looking... .what the heck is going on over there?"

Wow, I would kill for 7 months of peace. Hell, 7 days would be an oasis. 

[BasementDweller]

PS, my partner is a solid 8 out of 9, no suicide that I know of, but also very reckless driving. We match there.

[SunandMoon]

Hi BD

I love the way you make sure you still go out, take time to enjoy the beautiful weather, stop and smell the roses! I'm sure this has been an upsetting and stressful time for you, but you're doing everything right!

I'm very glad you're exploring an exit plan. Even if you never have to use it (and I hope you don't) it's empowering.

It's not surprising to me that your partner expects to be able to call on you for help, especially for something work-related... .mine would do the same. Sometimes he would use something like that as a way to start talking again, in a totally neutral way - like nothing had happened. Good on you for not rushing to rescue!

Two questions - you said that the first few years were really hard and there was frequent dysregulation and silent treatment from your partner. Did he ever dysregulate for a month, or a month and a half, move into another room, tell you he wanted to break up, etc. - but yet really do nothing to take action on it? What did you do during the worst of times, when you just could not connect, and how did he come around?

Yes, frequently in the first few years and occasionally up until early last year. A month would be pretty standard, holed up in our guest room, which has its own entrance and bathroom. Some days, I'd only see him sneak in after dark... .with his bag of fast food and his stranger's face.

Break ups, yelling "it's over!", wanting a divorce - even over what I would consider minor disagreements. It was all hot air - a lot of loud tantrums and high drama, followed by silent treatment and sulking.

During the worst times, it's hard to keep going. Of course I'd get angry as well, or just fed up with the cycles, but I learnt to eventually distance myself from it and just stay true to myself.

I've learnt so much about BPD over the years. Knowledge really is power, so I've read a lot of books: "Stop Walking... ." (average), "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me", "Loving Someone with BPD" and many more, as well as psychology texts, blogs by people with BPD, forums for pwBPD, and, of course, this wonderful forum for many years.

Understanding the disorder has helped me cope through the worst times, as well as truly radically accept our situation. It helps me to feel compassion, to distance myself from the drama, and to know what tools to use, and when to time 'talks' and enforce boundaries.

It's taken years - I wish there was some quick fix! - and will always require work, but then, all long term relationships do, even for nons.

[BasementDweller]

Hello, sunandmoon!

Wow - are you sure we don't have the same partner?  

Because your guy sounds an awful lot like mine! Right down to the crappy take-out food. I think the only thing I can do is hold my ground, refuse to be bullied out, continue to be neutral or positive, and not engage in the drama. And yes, more fun in the sun for as many days as the weather forecast allows.  

The exit plan is being explored only as an emergency measure. But I do agree with him being so unpredictable, I need to be realistic.

I haven't read any of those books, but I think I can order them through Amazon. Might be a good idea to add them to my "summer reading list"! :-)

I'm glad to hear that you and your partner found a way to make it at least manageable most of the time now. He and I are only two years in, and two years as live-in partners. I think the the responsibility of having to be accountable for his side of the commitment, and be mature and share a house and expenses has finally sunk in. The gravity of it, and that he can't really just "hide out" when he can't cut the mustard emotionally like he did with his previous partners who did not live with him and he kept at arms length. He could just "not see them" when he felt bad. He can't really hide from the woman he lives with - so now I think he's panicking and trying to. I guess giving him as much space as possible is all I can do.

That's just one part of it all. The weirdly psychotic behaviors as of late I think are coming from other places too... .issues with other family members, and of course his own internal feelings of shame, and lord knows what else that might be running around in his head. I just get to be the lucky recipient. ;-) The fact that he hasn't been bombarding me with hate mail the entire duration of his trip is somewhat of a good sign, I guess. Tomorrow we'll see how it goes... .

[Harley Quinn]

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