hey everyone, so I started dating this girl from my class. She has major depression but nonBPD. But i slowly may suspect some BPD traits.

Things have been moving kinda fast and we been dating for 3 weeks.

Everything was going good, we were talking about future plans and events and she was doing all the pursuing and chasing tbh. I was cool and confident and let her engage me. I wasnt needy or clingy.

We havent kissed yet, but we've had a little sexual contact. We flirt like crazy. She tells me she wants to take things slow with me.

So last week, she invited me to sleep over, this would make it 4 nights in a row but I declined and said I couldnt. Then the next day she became distant and told me her ex wanted to come back in her life. She told me we cant text anymore but talk on snap.

I was devastated. She told me what we had was amazing for her and special and she didnt know her ex was coming back and that she would of liked to pursue something with me.

I messaged her Monday, because I left something in her car. She told me she would be at work and we started flirting and i ended up at her job. She wanted me to stay until she got off. She works as a waitress. She would sit with me during times it would be slow, and we would talk about us and flirt and be touchy. She told me why she likes me. She opened up about her ex. She told me he is psycho, and i cant come over because he has keys to her apartment. How he checks all her social media, messages. That he yells and curses at her. I asked why they broke up and she said that he wasnt treating her right and using her for money. She told me how he has pics and vids of her where he threatens he would post on social media for everyone to see. She told me how earlier he was cursing at her and she was crying during work. I asked so what changed since u got back together? And she said "i guess nothing".

and we joked about how she always seems happier with me and how her skin clears up and etc. She told me how she dated this guy after her ex and her broke up, who pretended to be nice and caring but once they had sex he told her "i just wanted sex nothing serious". she asked if i was hurt by this and I said "no its not my business because we arent together and were just dating" and she told me this is why she wants to take it slow with me and doesnt want to be used. she hopes im not playing her. I told her im not like the other guys and she said "thats what they said too" and i said "then judge me off my actions" and she said "your actions show me you are genuine"

of course im not gonna chase and overpursure because i think she may be testing me with this to chase. She also told me she can tell how genuine I am, and I actually care for her when i asked her what she sees in me.

She asked me "what do you Love about me?" and I said, "its too soon to say i love anything about you but what I like about you is... " and she said "oh so u dont love anything yet?" and i said "no its too soon to be saying love, and I want to get to know you more first. " she starting smiling like i wasnt being a little beta. She is very gorgeous and im sure other guys probably try hitting on her. Like when i say she is gorgeous, she is like model status and I dont think she gets told no a lot. I dont mean to toot my own horn.

So we flirted, and she wanted me to stay until she got off. I said sure, since the game was on.

She saw me on my phone reading some posts on this site. She didnt see the website name or anything but She asked what it was, and
I told her, "okay Im gonna open up so dont judge me"
she said "i wont live your life" this is her little saying when we say 'dont judge"
we never judge each other  

i told her how i came out of this abusive relationship with someone with BPD a while ago and realized i deserved better and gave some details. she looked at me and said 'wow sounds like i need to be on this group"

I told her I go on here and try to help others when i can. she said that was sweet.

we changed subjects and just talked and flirted about sex and etc.

she got off work later and we went out for dinner. She was playing footsy with me and we were holding hands. she paid for dinner, and we held hands and I was telling her how I didnt wanna go to work the next morning, and she told me what I told her when she told me she didnt want to go to work, she said "its only temporary until we make it" we both have the same goals and want to pursue same career and go to the same school.

We joked and flirted all night. We make a lot of sexual jokes and flirtations as well as dark humor towards another. but we never get mad at each other. She calls me annoying but this is her way of saying she likes me.

I told her she should come over thursday for dinner. I always drive 40 minutes to see her and meet her up and shes never came to see me yet. she sounded excited and thrilled. I kissed her hand and left. I dont want to push her for a kiss if shes not ready but I also dont want to waste my time and be played.

Fastforward to last night:

I posted a pic on snapchat and i wrote her name and referred to her. It was a joke, but we always make jokes like these.

She messaged me and I didnt know she was mad because we joke like that. I told her to come over for dinner and she said "idgaf take that post down"

I said “I’m sorry, we didn’t establish proper boundaries so I don’t know what crosses the line or not. If you wanna stop talking to me cuz of that I understand”

She said something like “I don’t play with immature online posts and etc”

And I said “thanks for communicating that with me. ”

And she said “your welcome"

I asked, "is there anything else so we dont make the same mistakes again?"

She said "i dont want to talk about this right now,
I’m going to sleep now. Night”
and i said "goodnight"

I only apologized once and made my it clear and we talked about arguments and fights on a date before and how to handle it. She told me she liks to communicate but also sometimes she needs space. Plus she’s on her period and she told me she can have a short fuse and can be super mean and not mean it.

I sent her a pic of a drawing on snapchat this morning about some ideas we had.

She said "thats cool"

then later on I flirted with her over a pic on snapchat and she said "okay"

then later on this evening i asked her "do you want to go on a cute date with me tomorrow?"

and she said "no"

and I asked "is it because of last night?"  I started to notice a push pull method and now i was becoming anxious and needy.

she responded and said "no, i just dont want to"

I never responded. I think i should wait on her to message me again over something random on snapchat. Ever since i told her no to coming over that night a week ago, everything changed.

I am keeping in mind her ex is in the picture but it seems like shes interested with me too and I want to be her best option without over compensation and chasing her. She tells me how she feels happy and alive with me and how Im "husband material" But i am doing my best not to be friendzoned and I dont act like a yes man to her. I stand my ground, and when she touches me at times or walks by me I dont look at her or always acknowledge her like a puppy.

Should I give her space to come to me? Should I respond back to her last message? Idk what to do because this girl seems really cool, shes gorgeous and we have so much in common. She shows me so much in the city and places i never knew about. I am doing my best not to be needy and overpursue to push her away.  but i would like for her to know I care which I think she does.

I’m stunned... I checked my phone and she’s blocked me on Snapchat. I didn’t reply back wanting to give her space. I checked Instagram and she’s blocked me there too. She doesn’t follow me there but still blocked me... I tried texting her asking her what happened and she blocked me there...

I have been “ghosted” twice by two different girls. One my exBPD and now this girl who I did everything right with...

My speculations are either she has a mental illness ( she’s does have major depression) or she’s didn’t want me to see what she posts since she said her ex is back in the picture although the other day we acted like we were still dating. So... .idk. I’m confused and shocked.

I really like this girl but I’m back in the same pit of confusion.

Why did she just block me?

We both make racist crude jokes to another. And last night I was getting gas and my car takes a lot of gas and i took a pic at the gas pump and said “thirstier than a (insert religion) girl named ___”

But the thing is we make jokes like this to another. Let’s just say that both of our religions have been at war for a piece of land for ages and we joke about that with each other. (Although I’m agnostic and she knows it) we poke fun at the situation

She messaged me asking “what’s that disrespecting post” and I thought it was her joking because I was being playful with her for her attention as a joke. She even calls me names at times joking. Like yesterday I posted  pic and she said “gay” and I don’t like people throwing around slurs like that It’s her humor.

But she got mad and told me she doesn’t like immature childish stuff like that on social media. And she would blocked me.  And I apologized and told her I wasn’t intending on hurting her. And I’d understand if she doesn’t want to talk anymore cuz of it.

I told her thank you for communicating with me what you don’t like and how we didn’t have proper boundaries so I didn’t know what offends her. We both talked it out and said goodnight. So I highly don’t think she blocked me cuz of that 24 hours later

She even told me before she doesn’t get mad easily so I think maybe she got mad I put her name on snap and she got mad there would be a possibility it would get back to her ex...

I’m not sure. Cuz she doesn’t like when I take pics of her face on my snap or even ask her for a pic together she won’t take one and she tells me cuz she doesn’t look nice but I think it’s cuz she doesn’t want her ex to find out.

Btw I’m not racist, I use racial humor towards myself as a Coping mechanism I picked up when I was being bullied in school for when tragic event occurred in the states. I Just woild like to mention that before I offend anyone.

So she messaged me back on Facebook at 5am.

Me: Hey I’m not sure what I did that caused you to block me on everything... I apologize in advance if I hurt you in anyway, but I would appreciate a reason why you felt the need to block me?

Me: Once again if it’s about the pic from last night and it being racist I’m sorry. I’m not racist and I didn’t mean to offend you. I didn’t know where the line to be crossed was and I was only trying to make a cute playful
Joke to tease you. It was childish on my part.

Her: I just don’t want to talk anymore

Me : I respect it

Her: okay

Me: But why block me instead of saying though?

Her: it’s just what I do

Her: I’m sorry

Me: I mean I would’ve understood if you didn’t have feelings for me or anything.

Her: i just dont think we need to talk to eachother

Me: what makes you say that?

Her: it’s me
Her: I make myself absent

Me: I’m a grown ass man , if you need space from me then let me know.

Me: I dated a girl for 3 years that had a mental disorder, that would push me away every time I got close. That broke up with me and ghosted me on my birthday. I’m pretty sure you going absent won’t affect me

Me: What I’m trying to say, is I appreciate you communicating with me but if there’s something you’re afraid of or afraid of being hurt or hurting me then don’t worry

Me: I’ve been through a lot and I can tell you’ve been through something too.

I inserted a joke—
Me: what are you afraid of?

She reacted to some of the messages and put sad faces and heart emojis on some. I think she fell asleep and I should go back to sleep. I can tell I sent too many messages at the end but I was trying to show her my seriousness about this. Not sure if I missed anything up. Thank you

Thanks for reading

Hi CryWolf,

I'm not sure, but I get the feeling you may have turned down one too many overnight invites. What do you think?

Accepting an invite is not pursuing. It's letting yourself be pursued. At some point she may have felt rejected, ya know?

Also, nothing here warrants sending flowers in my book. So in this you may be off balance as well. (Showing up with a single flower is nice enough if you want to do something friendly in my opinion.)

I am sorry. I get the feeling your last relationship has made it hard to figure out just the right balance to strike. I can tell you this, it really shouldn't have to be so hard at the beginning. When and if it is it is time to look at yourself and at her, figure out where the problem is, and fix it before it gets out of hand if ya can.

with compassion, pearl.

CryWolf,

pump the brakes.


part of good relationship skills is having a good idea of where the relationship is at in terms of how relationships evolve and devolve and a good read of the other person. this relationship started quickly and intensely, as they often do when two people have an unresolved previous relationship. expectations are high. attachment is very rapid, but tends to be way more shallow than it feels. success rates in terms of things lasting past the initial phases are very low.

when the ex came back into the picture, it threw a big wrench into things. this was always a risk. probably, it would have been best to let her go, at the very least to completely withdraw from the situation. ive been there, it isnt personal, but the ex will win 99% of the time. you pushed a bit - not egregiously, but in a way that i think wasnt accepting of the situation for what it was and probably counter productive.

she did mention that she has a short fuse. she overreacted to the photo. at that point she said she needed space. you dialed it up. she was giving short, non responses. you gotta read that stuff. it screams "give me space". you pushed for a date   

metaphorically and literally speaking, you dont want to respond to a block with reaching out, let alone sending flowers.

chasing. its often an instinctive response to requests or signals for space. im the king of it. the person on the receiving end will fight even harder for space. its an instinct we want to unlearn.

having said all of that, not only do i not mean to kick you while youre down, but this wasnt about any one thing you or she did wrong any more than the fact that me sending flowerings to an ex on valentines day nearly a month after she dumped me was why we broke up. it was just regrettable  . there are a lot of risks when two people have an unresolved relationship. mistakes were made that you want to learn from, but this likely had a short shelf life.

i would go radio silent and assume that she is gone. you might hear from her within a week (i think its very unlikely) but at this point, its probably best to cut your losses, lick your wounds, and bounce back from it in a week or two, a little older, a little wiser. drop the mentions of your ex. a healthy girl will see it as the unresolved previous relationship that it is. an unhealthy girl will bond with you over it in an unhealthy way, like telling you about her ex (this is not a perspective you can really trust) or wanting to rescue you, that sort of thing. 

youre a young man. im not much older, but older enough to tell you that youll go through this (hopefully not in exactly the same way, and a little wiser each time) a million times. the next one is around the corner. but theres still grieving to be done, and lessons to be learned.

CryWolf,

If I may offer this advice.  You are very early into what sounds like a diabolically painful push pull relationship. 

There is a Chinese saying which is very roughly speaking: An old man wished his whole life to see a dragon -one day a dragon appeared and the old man died from fright.  In other words watch what you wish for.

I was unaware of BPD and how difficult it can make relationships when I was with my undiagnosed BPD lover.  I wish I had understood my ex was not struggling with 'traits' but a 'personality disorder'  Personality disorders are a world view and are life long.  I am not saying people suffering with BPD do not deserve to be loved, I am saying it is a very high risk proposition.  I retain compassion, concern and pity for my ex.

Perhaps spend some time reading on here on BPD Family and see how painful these relationships can become as they progress. 

My brief dance with BPD has left me hurt, confused, and saddened.  --It has inspired me to embrace therapy, which is the silver lining in an otherwise dark circumstance.

Rejection is painful and I believe we all have an innate 'chase instinct', but that being said take some time, stop chasing. --figure out what it is you really want and need.

I will share an exchange my lover and I had.

Me -You are putting me through hell.  Her -I know.

“When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”

― Maya Angelou


Wicker Man 

After 3 weeks, your communication is at "how do I interpret her cryptic emojis?" Oh, man, this is NOT going to get any better... .

Be with someone who wants to be with you. Or send her floppy disk, pink bow, tennis racket, man wearing turban ... .and see where that leads.

Thank you!  I needed a smile today.

"Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else". --Will Rogers

Crywolf --let's try the approach.  Pretend a friend of your was describing your relationship with this woman to you.  What advice would you give your friend?


Wicker Man

That’s what I’m saying... we communicated and texted really well in the beginning. We even talked about communication and all that. Then since I told her I couldn’t sleep at her house and she tried making me jealous by saying “I’m going to a friends” I told her to have fun and talked to her and didn’t realize it was an attempt for me to ask what friend and say no I’ll come over... my exBPD used to do this and then all of s sudden  her ex coming back in the picture, it’s been vague replies since. But then in person she’s so talkative and communicates... so idk.

Me and my exBPD had communication issues too.  And now I see the pattern. Either she doesn’t give a ___ and wants me gone or she’s going through something emotionally and pushing me away.

She did mention on Monday how she’s usually the one pursuing with guys  and doesn’t want to do that anymore. Maybe she’s protecting herself.

It shouldn’t be this difficult.  Either she thinks I’m like the other guys and going to hurt ur or she is discarding me after her supply. Idk. I hate all this.


Yes our communication stopped completely. Before it was very consistent and she was telling me everything. Now, not so much. Idk. The ironic thing is she started her period the same time she decided to end things with me last Thursday.

I remember my exBPd would do similar things when on her monthly cycle. I still don’t think this is a valid excuse but I know it affects hormones.

We never really talked on the phone or social media. I told her I’d rather see her in person than spend all day on the phone. My relationship with 3 years before wa spent so much texting that miscommunication Always occured and arguments arises from the blue. I wanted to prevent that. However we still texted and communicated properly.


I am not rebounding but I accepted the possibility she may be. And it felt good to stop thinking about my ex like she was the only one for me. I did spend time trying to understand my relationship with my exBPD. I have multiple posts on the bettering side of the group and went through so much pain and hurt in that relationship. I consumed myself everyday reading everything on this site and YouTube videos and reading SWOE. What stood out the most was fear of abandonment and engulfment and I have been working constantly on jading techniques. I wanted my ex girlfriend back for so long, but she gave me the ST as a form of punishment for so long. I reached out so many times and nothing.



I have been seeing a therapist the past 5/6 months. We talk about foo and boundaries and all that. It’s helped tremendously

 Then I met this girl and things became different and i could be myself without being judged or worrying about their actions. She was very open and just like me. We connected all semester in class and finally asked her on a date on the day of our final. And now lookin back maybe it  was just a self reflection and fake. Maybe I should just stop trusting completely. Maybe she was just using me or she actually liked me but the circumstances are unfortunate. I didn’t expect her to just block me like this. Idk I expected more from her but she did reply on Facebook and say she’s sorry.

I honestly don’t know what’s going on and would like to know why she blocked me. I hate chasing and feel like the whole dynamic changed by her pulling away like that. My ex would do the same and I’d go over with flowers or email her a last resort.

I really don’t want to associate this girl with a mental illness but it’s looking like it. She has major depression and I think I can notice some moments of dissociation . Like her saying how she told me something but I don’t remember it. My ex would do the same. “I told you remember?” And I can’t remember.

I would like to pursue and get answers and I know the risks. But yea. Another rabbit hole. I would tell them to think about the circumstances and what it would cost you and if they are ready for it. And this is a long process of patience and mental strength and the toll it will take on you.

I guess what I’m asking is, will she ever contact me again? Or did I ruin everything?

I appreciate you giving me tough love. It helps me look from a different view. I know I said some questionable things with her, and she did the same. No one is perfect and I have been trying to be perfect and make no mistakes. but lets face it, its impossible. I applied a lot from what i learned on here and it helped me with her. And i can only learn and improve from here.

And no matter how perfect i can be to someone, it wont mean much when their ex comes back. They have that bond that you wont have with them.

I took a few days away, and heres what I realized. This girl was not perfect. She had her own flaws and I knew in the back of my mind there are red flags. But it felt new, different and it felt good not being sad and miserable over my exBPD. No matter what happened i told myself in the beginning, its a lesson and to only take it as experience. Of course, it sucks being ghosted and left out of nowhere. But thats not a self reflection of who I am. Her ghosting me, was on her. It was her way of coping and handling the situation.

It is immature, and I have a million questions why she did it. and Im sure she has her own reasons. Im trying to have a whatever attitude to it. We were classmates first and she helped me pass my class. We were good friends in class and had a cool bond. We got close too fast and had an amazing time. The blocking hurts, but i'm sure she had her reasons.

I am more proud of myself, that I could find the good in someone and be myself with someone without fabricating anything. I saw confidence, positivity, maturity in myself that came out of nowhere when i was with this girl. I didnt have to fake anything or analyze every little text. And since she left, Im holding on to it. I am telling myself, "wow I never thought I would be so confident" (like the scene from spider-man when Toby Mcguire started to dress all black and dancing when he was infected with venom) That how I felt . I am learning to be confident single and I want to work on myself.

What makes me mad is the sweet nothings. But that comes in dating. You show the best side of you, make all these plans. And then poof. It all goes away. What I've learned in these past relationships is that not everyone has good intentions. Not everyone has beautiful souls, everyone is troubled in their own ways. Not everyone is right and virtuous, just like how everyone is not evil.


A few days ago, I spent time with my parents. They shocked me by telling me they want to move back across the country to where I was raised. We moved from the west coast my last year of high school, 6 years ago. I begged and cry to move back for so long. I hated the east coast. I didnt know anyone. They hated the west coast and told me "we will never move back" etc. Then all of a sudden, they both say, we want to move back within the next two years. We hate it here and miserable. It was a regret moving here.

I told them, I actually like it here now but im willing to move back when i finish school and they can move back without me. I learned to accept and make the best of things. I learned to love the east coast and I think moving here was the best thing that could happen to me.

Never in a million years did i think my family wanted to move back home. Where my whole life I spent, where all my friends are. Where they talked so bad about. Yet, with all this space and time away they miss it.

The reason I mention this, is you never know what happens in life. You never know who can come back or who you can lose. I spent my whole life with a "forever" mentality. But forever isn't promised. You have to live day by day and prepare for tomorrow but not expect things to last forever. All relationships end eventually. Marriages end by death, friendships end, everything ends. I dont mean to be so depressive here but its true. Nothing is infinite, so its best to enjoy in the moment. I couldn't do this with my ex.

Yet today, all my feelings for my ex came back. i went on her facebook just to see her face. she still has picture of us up. It could mean anything, but thats all. I miss her, but she's living her life. Im happy she's happy, and I think thats what love is. She probably doesn't give a ___ about me, and thats okay. I learned to stop controlling or fearing what others think and feel about me. Its their loss anyway

Any given point my exBPD could come back, or this previous girl could come back. They both want to go to the same Pharmacy school as me . We might even be in the same class, and maybe have matured by then. Or shoot, I could meet someone better. I am going to work on not getting with girls who are emotionally unavailable anymore. I see its been a recurring theme since high school. I want to be the best version of myself and I am nowhere close. I love intimacy and romance but I need to be comfortable with or without it that it doesn't affect my self worth.

The red flags I saw, were her saying I love you and I like you the first and second week. She was withdrawn at times and then drawn in. I saw her texting someone called “daddy” and I don’t think it’s the biological father type. I went with it cuz it was something new and exciting. She wouldn’t want her face in the pictures because she was “insecure” but would post a million pics on her snap with filters so idk. I was never on her snap either besides the first date. Maybe I was used to attract him. She showed me messages of how she controlled this one guy. She tried testing me a couple times and I caught on quick.

I guess this time I caught on red flags quick and knew something wasn’t right. But I just went with the flow and didn’t expect much.

I admit I did push a little and went into panic mode when the ex came back. I got drunk and wanted answers. My anxiety came back. And when I saw her after that, she was flirting with me and touching me so I thought she still had feelings for me. She took me out to dinner that night and even talked about having sex, Future plans. Etc. i saw her be distant and my anxiety asked her on a date that was supposed to confirm when I asked her a few days prior and she seemed excited.

Then with those messages and me oversharing, I misunderstood and saw her send me crying emojis and heart emojis so I thought she wanted to tell me something but couldn’t because of the ex based on how she told me he checks every little thing.

She didn’t ghost me, because she did tell me. But it still hurts after reconciling she left like that. And we were good classmates before. I felt used, but another part of probably thinks she did it so I wouldnt get hurt by seeing her posts with him. And another’s part thinks irs because of my safety from him because she told me how he flipped out before and destroyed her belongings in an argument before. She also told me how her and her ex both got into an argument in Vegas and got arrested for domestics violence but the charges were dropped.

I assumed us having fun and her coming off on me like that meant she was interested again.she even told me how her ex doesn’t come to her work and I’ll be fine in not getting her in trouble. She told me how I was charming and etc. she played footsie and held hands that night too.  That’s why I pursued and asked her out. She told me how she feels so happy with me. And before that she told me how she’s kinda happy with the ex but not really. That’s why I was confused. I regret it but I think either way it was going to come. The night before she blew up on something she never gets mad over, she told me how she’s gonna block me if I do it again. I honestly think It’s over the Risk of her ex seeing.

Now I’m radio silent and focusing on myself. I ___ed up the last minute. But hopefully it’s not all she really remembers... she used to call me “mr. smooth” and how I’ have a smart mouth and confident and all that.

What’s eating me inside is, I hope she doesn’t think of me as needy or clingy based of that... I havent reached out and when she initially broke it off I told her I respect it and if she changesher mind to tell me.

As for the moving, I’m not sure right now. I need to finish school. THen apply to pharmacy school and whichever state accepts me