Lessons from my self-defense class on not being a victim

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

"If you can breathe, you can fight."

This was on the wall at the new gym I've been going to since moving home to be closer to my family. I've been taking classes in a street style of self-defense. I won't say what, just to keep some sense of confidentiality in my identity - though if you've trained in this style, you'll probably figure it out. But, the whole idea behind the training is that your role is to go home safe, by ending the fight as quickly as possible. Ending the fight can mean a lot of things. It can mean verbally calming someone down and diffusing a situation. It can mean running away. It can mean practicing a quick defense maneuver and combative and running away. Or it can mean finishing someone off, if necessary. It's up to you to have situational awareness and judge the situation to figure out what will be the most effective way to end the fight quickly and get home safe.

I've really enjoyed these classes, and have started to take some of the lessons of the classes to think through my "fight" with a BPD SO. First, I've noticed that the classes are really helping me gain some of my confidence back and work through some of my PTSD. In talking with my therapist, I finally voiced why I'm finding so much comfort in learning to defend myself. The classes are pretty realistic and we are encouraged to attack each other at at least half speed in some drills. Last week, I was paired up with a guy that was much bigger than me and we were learning to defend against punches aimed at your face. Our instructor wanted us to make it as realistic as possible, in order to trigger that sense of adrenaline that would spur you into fighting back. We even (in a very controlled manner) practiced being choked so we could feel what it's like to have your source of air cut off by an aggressor. I found that being in a slightly ramped up fearful position where I had a sense of how to respond was absolutely liberating. Now, sure, it's a very controlled environment. But, unlike my situation with my STBXw at first, I have a sense of what is coming in these classes, even if it scares me a little, and have a sense of how to respond. That kind of habituation has been helping me gain some real confidence back and is helping me get over that violated sense most victims feel when they think "why didn't I fight back? Why didn't I see this coming?"

Beyond gaining some confidence back that is translating beyond the mats, I'm getting a better sense of how not to be a victim. Now, don't get me wrong - a lot of what I went through (and what you're all going through) we really couldn't have helped. That kind of being a victim is not the victimhood I'm talking about. Instead, I'm talking about putting myself in a position of further victimization.

Let me explain... .

So, in the drill where we were practicing deflecting punches to the face, I kept getting backed up a step each time I deflected a punch from the big guy. He had about ten inches on me and his reach was much longer than mine, so it wasn't unrealistic that I'd take a step back as I deflected a punch out of "instinct." However, my instructor quickly pointed out that all I was doing was giving him the opportunity to really hurt me at some point. Sure, I was deflecting punches just fine and was really getting the technique right. But what good is technique if I was putting myself, as he put it "in a place to be victimized again." That one struck me. He said "eventually, you're going to be in a place where you can't defend yourself anymore, no matter how good you are at deflecting punches." For some reason, that one really hit me in the gut.

I tend to intellectualize things. I've spent a lot of time learning on these boards and deconstructing my behavior. In a sense, you might say that I'm learning the "technique" of bettering, detaching, not making things worse, etc etc. But, I started to wonder after this class where in my life that I might be taking that step back after each deflection, and where those steps were gradually leading me. In the class, I learned to stand my ground and deflect, which encouraged my attacker to take a step back after striking. Otherwise, I would grab him and pull him down to a position where I could get a knee to the face or a kick to the groin. In other words, his insistence on backing me up would become his demise. The instructor encouraged the whole class to do this - to deflect and then clinch and strike if our attacker got too close. That's what would happen in a real fight, right? I love this self defense style because it requires you to pair every defensive move with a combative move. When we escape choke holds, we immediately use the momentum of our escape to strike the attacker in the groin or face. Again, the idea is to end the fight and get home safe.

So back to BPD - what might it look like to take that small step back each time?

For me, it might be cheating on the no contact. We're not technically in no contact, because there are some divorce logistics to figure out, but besides these logistics I have no reason to contact her. That means no searching on social media, no contacting people her life to check up on her or to gain insight on things, etc. This is that small step back. If I don't want to be a victim again, then why take the half step back by checking up on her? I'm the only one that gets hurt doing that.

What else might apply here?

What about new relationships? I've been reading a book that discourages dating and even making new friends until you're in a place that you don't feel the need to talk about your ex when you meet someone. Sure, it's a white knuckled stoic approach to life, but it vibes with how I live. Wouldn't it feel good to find a pretty face to share a drink with and trauma bond over our exes or other people who have treated us poorly and then fall into bed together after too many drinks? Maybe, but am I really capable right now of spotting a person like my last two exes, who were both uBPD and came close to destroying my life? And what did these women have in common? I brought them my challenges too early on - I trauma bonded. I gave them everything they needed to victimize me. I might be deflecting the punches per se from my STBXw, but in what ways am I putting myself in a situation to be victimized further? Can I really "end the fight and go home safe" if I keep taking that metaphorical step back?

What about you? Where are you practicing the right technique but also maybe taking that step back?

[lighthouse9]

"If you can breathe, you can fight."

This was on the wall at the new gym I've been going to since moving home to be closer to my family. I've been taking classes in a street style of self-defense. I won't say what, just to keep some sense of confidentiality in my identity - though if you've trained in this style, you'll probably figure it out. But, the whole idea behind the training is that your role is to go home safe, by ending the fight as quickly as possible. Ending the fight can mean a lot of things. It can mean verbally calming someone down and diffusing a situation. It can mean running away. It can mean practicing a quick defense maneuver and combative and running away. Or it can mean finishing someone off, if necessary. It's up to you to have situational awareness and judge the situation to figure out what will be the most effective way to end the fight quickly and get home safe.

I've really enjoyed these classes, and have started to take some of the lessons of the classes to think through my "fight" with a BPD SO. First, I've noticed that the classes are really helping me gain some of my confidence back and work through some of my PTSD. In talking with my therapist, I finally voiced why I'm finding so much comfort in learning to defend myself. The classes are pretty realistic and we are encouraged to attack each other at at least half speed in some drills. Last week, I was paired up with a guy that was much bigger than me and we were learning to defend against punches aimed at your face. Our instructor wanted us to make it as realistic as possible, in order to trigger that sense of adrenaline that would spur you into fighting back. We even (in a very controlled manner) practiced being choked so we could feel what it's like to have your source of air cut off by an aggressor. I found that being in a slightly ramped up fearful position where I had a sense of how to respond was absolutely liberating. Now, sure, it's a very controlled environment. But, unlike my situation with my STBXw at first, I have a sense of what is coming in these classes, even if it scares me a little, and have a sense of how to respond. That kind of habituation has been helping me gain some real confidence back and is helping me get over that violated sense most victims feel when they think "why didn't I fight back? Why didn't I see this coming?"

Beyond gaining some confidence back that is translating beyond the mats, I'm getting a better sense of how not to be a victim. Now, don't get me wrong - a lot of what I went through (and what you're all going through) we really couldn't have helped. That kind of being a victim is not the victimhood I'm talking about. Instead, I'm talking about putting myself in a position of further victimization.

Let me explain... .

So, in the drill where we were practicing deflecting punches to the face, I kept getting backed up a step each time I deflected a punch from the big guy. He had about ten inches on me and his reach was much longer than mine, so it wasn't unrealistic that I'd take a step back as I deflected a punch out of "instinct." However, my instructor quickly pointed out that all I was doing was giving him the opportunity to really hurt me at some point. Sure, I was deflecting punches just fine and was really getting the technique right. But what good is technique if I was putting myself, as he put it "in a place to be victimized again." That one struck me. He said "eventually, you're going to be in a place where you can't defend yourself anymore, no matter how good you are at deflecting punches." For some reason, that one really hit me in the gut.

I tend to intellectualize things. I've spent a lot of time learning on these boards and deconstructing my behavior. In a sense, you might say that I'm learning the "technique" of bettering, detaching, not making things worse, etc etc. But, I started to wonder after this class where in my life that I might be taking that step back after each deflection, and where those steps were gradually leading me. In the class, I learned to stand my ground and deflect, which encouraged my attacker to take a step back after striking. Otherwise, I would grab him and pull him down to a position where I could get a knee to the face or a kick to the groin. In other words, his insistence on backing me up would become his demise. The instructor encouraged the whole class to do this - to deflect and then clinch and strike if our attacker got too close. That's what would happen in a real fight, right? I love this self defense style because it requires you to pair every defensive move with a combative move. When we escape choke holds, we immediately use the momentum of our escape to strike the attacker in the groin or face. Again, the idea is to end the fight and get home safe.

So back to BPD - what might it look like to take that small step back each time?

For me, it might be cheating on the no contact. We're not technically in no contact, because there are some divorce logistics to figure out, but besides these logistics I have no reason to contact her. That means no searching on social media, no contacting people her life to check up on her or to gain insight on things, etc. This is that small step back. If I don't want to be a victim again, then why take the half step back by checking up on her? I'm the only one that gets hurt doing that.

What else might apply here?

What about new relationships? I've been reading a book that discourages dating and even making new friends until you're in a place that you don't feel the need to talk about your ex when you meet someone. Sure, it's a white knuckled stoic approach to life, but it vibes with how I live. Wouldn't it feel good to find a pretty face to share a drink with and trauma bond over our exes or other people who have treated us poorly and then fall into bed together after too many drinks? Maybe, but am I really capable right now of spotting a person like my last two exes, who were both uBPD and came close to destroying my life? And what did these women have in common? I brought them my challenges too early on - I trauma bonded. I gave them everything they needed to victimize me. I might be deflecting the punches per se from my STBXw, but in what ways am I putting myself in a situation to be victimized further? Can I really "end the fight and go home safe" if I keep taking that metaphorical step back?

What about you? Where are you practicing the right technique but also maybe taking that step back?

[Cromwell]

Hi Lighthouse

Sounds like a lot of fun, Ive done a few martial arts and eventually as a friend I once had, karate black belt told me, towards the stage he is at, it is 99% psychological 1% physical.

About your last paragraph, I find myself talking about my ex hardly at all to friends and it makes me feel that this is coming close to the time to meet someone else without but what you said about trauma bonding really hit home to me as this I feel was very much a strong link to what might have brought us together in the first place, a strong force, but ultimately not a healthy one to base a r/s on.

But yes, not having any contact on social media and trying to keep out of daily thoughts as much as possible has really helped me. There was a time that I felt - or excused to myself - that checking up on her was "useful" to know what she was up to. I barely did that and in terms of usefulness weighted up against how triggering it was, it was a wrong idea.

About taking a step back, in martial arts terms from what I recall, I did a form of jujitsu which is about grappling technique. stepping back from a punch can increase the amount of energy it displaces when it is fully extended. It is instinctive to do it but just as if someone had a weapon, if you can get close to them, they dont have the space to wield it, it limits its effectiveness. Now trying to apply this to BPD r/s is a bit tenuous, I think run away on the adrenaline kick is the best option, you might have encouraged me to get back into sprinting training again :D

great exercise too, I couldnt never fight after, was too finished after the initial 15minute "warm up" round.

bad stuff has happened to me but I discarded the label "victim", for the reason that it is a word which puts too much of a control factor on the other who was in the r/s for having resulted in the fate of being "victimised". I just found it too simplistic to be accurate and it gives the impression of having not had the ability to do anything about it at the time. Quite a powerful loaded word in our culture to appropiate to ourselves, I probably took it too easily and it can cloud perception.

There was a good link I found on here about boundaries and sharing too much personal information early on is a sign of poor boundaries. I didnt do this but my ex did to me, I was quite taken aback and it led me to reciprocate. Id see that as a bit of a red flag in future and as you say, I dont think I want to bring in the baggage of this into any r/s id like to begin until its resolved to the point there doesnt feel a need to share with anyone. Enjoy your training sessions lighthouse. I read your post more like "warrior" than "victim" how it comes across.

[MeandThee29]

So, in the drill where we were practicing deflecting punches to the face, I kept getting backed up a step each time I deflected a punch from the big guy. He had about ten inches on me and his reach was much longer than mine, so it wasn't unrealistic that I'd take a step back as I deflected a punch out of "instinct." However, my instructor quickly pointed out that all I was doing was giving him the opportunity to really hurt me at some point. Sure, I was deflecting punches just fine and was really getting the technique right. But what good is technique if I was putting myself, as he put it "in a place to be victimized again." That one struck me. He said "eventually, you're going to be in a place where you can't defend yourself anymore, no matter how good you are at deflecting punches." For some reason, that one really hit me in the gut.

I tend to intellectualize things. I've spent a lot of time learning on these boards and deconstructing my behavior. In a sense, you might say that I'm learning the "technique" of bettering, detaching, not making things worse, etc etc. But, I started to wonder after this class where in my life that I might be taking that step back after each deflection, and where those steps were gradually leading me. In the class, I learned to stand my ground and deflect, which encouraged my attacker to take a step back after striking. Otherwise, I would grab him and pull him down to a position where I could get a knee to the face or a kick to the groin. In other words, his insistence on backing me up would become his demise. The instructor encouraged the whole class to do this - to deflect and then clinch and strike if our attacker got too close. That's what would happen in a real fight, right? I love this self defense style because it requires you to pair every defensive move with a combative move. When we escape choke holds, we immediately use the momentum of our escape to strike the attacker in the groin or face. Again, the idea is to end the fight and get home safe.

So back to BPD - what might it look like to take that small step back each time?

One of my young adults has done martial arts for years and is in the military, and he has had a lot of interesting insights along the same lines. Conflict is inevitable in life, but you can't step back.

I put up with so much, hoping to save the relationship. My counsellor pointed out that I put saving the relationship above everything else at times when it wasn't mine to save. It takes two to save a relationship.

I also stepped back into victim mode, something I learned from childhood. It was a comfortable role for me. Trauma bonding felt right for me.

Also, last week after talking with a friend who gave me some good insights, I had several days of utter outrage that surprised me. I'm by nature a very peaceful person, but it just took me over. When it faded, I realized that I hadn't really been that angry through this, and that there was a new level of emotional release when I acknowledged it and then let it go.

By no means am I there, but I feel like things are coming together for me. My counsellor pointed out last week that this is my opportunity to finally come to deeper resolution of the issues from my childhood, all these years later. As horrible as this has been in middle age with still a lot of personal uncertainly, I'm coming out of this better.

Hard, hard things, but I feel like I'm on the edge of better days ahead.

[heartandwhole]

Such interesting insights, lighthouse9 ! I'm going to reflect on your post a bit, as I can feel that there is a lot in there to chew on.

My first thoughts, about my own reaction to the aftermath of my relationship, revolve around stepping back so far that I've tapped myself out romantic relationships for good.    That isn't where I want to be in my emotional life. But I also find myself unwilling to make the effort to do much about it.

I think I need to believe more that I can stand my ground, like you did in your class. That if I were to get into another inappropriate relationship, instead of bending myself into a pretzel to make it fit, I'd just stand in my truth of what I want and need, and let go nice and early if things clearly aren't going in that direction. For me, I think it's about trusting myself.

But I will think about it more. 

Thanks for posting this. I think it's a valuable meditation. I look forward to reading more of the discussion.

heartandwhole

[Wicker Man]

There are a lot of lessons which translate from combat to life. 
The Art of War, The Book of 5 Rings, Rommel, Caesar and even Clausewitz all of these books have wisdom for life off the battlefield.

The highest level of combat, in my opinion, is finding absolute emptiness.  Finding a place where you are without a plan, without a preconceived idea of how you will react to your opponent -simply open and empty.  Once empty you can accept anything and everything, your enemy will offer you gifts.

It is the most beautiful of places -every thing goes quiet and time slows down to a crawl.

This would translate, in my opinion, in an argument to active listening.  Finding the inner peace and tranquility to actively listen, then slowly process and respond appropriately.

Giving ground is acceptable, but it should not be immediate and without reason.  Tactical retreat is an option, but not the only option.

I am envious.  I haven't fought in years and really miss it. 

@lighthouse9 Good for you for training!  It is good for body, heart, mind and soul.


Wicker Man

[lighthouse9]

Great conversation everyone!

Cromwell: I like the title "warrior" - I'm going to hold onto that one 
Your reflections on trauma bonding felt spot on to me. Congrats on feeling less like you need to talk about the relationship! I'm still dying to talk about mine, but I'm trying to practice not having it be a thing by starting up conversations with people in public places. For some reason, I told the barista this morning about my new ear plugs I just bought. Was it awkward as hell? Sure. Did it have nothing to do with my ex? Yep! And hey, at least I wasn't talking about the weather again. I'm sure I'll have many embarrassing moments like this where I grasp for something to talk about that isn't my ex, but whatever - it's good practice. What kinds of things are you finding to talk about when you connect with new people?

MeandThee: I'm with you on the outrage. I'm typically a pretty peaceful person, too. The anger that bubbled up in me recently was just shocking and overwhelming - but as you said, necessary. I've realized that I didn't really let it out much during the relationship, so no wonder there is so much of it. The fighting analogies were really helpful for me here, because no one can go into a fight with just anger and expect to obliterate things. The self defense stuff has been teaching me self-control and how to release some of my aggression skillfully and tactically. I've been trying to do the emotional equivalent of that in my life - skillfully and tactically deploying my aggression, with self-control. Some times that's hiking really fast when something hurts, cleaning like a mad-person, or some form of exercise that's intense. My DBT therapist taught me TIPP early on as a method for dealing with some of this kind of distress. Otherwise, I'm likely to just randomly lash out on people - which would be no good. How have you been expressing your outrage?

heartandwhole: I really like what you said about trusting yourself. To me, that's one of the biggest things I'm learning in the self-defense classes - how to trust yourself and your abilities in a situation where someone can harm you. From being in the right stance to having the right form when throwing a combative move, or having situational awareness and having a fully charged cell phone to call for help, all of these equate to feeling safer and ultimately trusting yourself and your ability to respond better. In a relationship, that might feel like some of the things we're talking about on this thread - being careful of trauma bonding, not revisiting painful stuff that serves no purpose but to hurt you, remaining self-aware in new relationships, etc. What has learning to trust yourself looked like for you?

Wicker Man: I'm going to have to check out some of those books! The Book of 5 Rings came up elsewhere and I might buy it next. Right now, I'm working my way through some stoic philosophy. I'll admit, my first reaction to you using the word emptiness was to shirk a bit, given how much I heard my STBXwife talk about how empty she felt. To her, it was related to not having a real sense of self. What you're describing feels different - and I really like how you related it to active listening. I've felt this before in some of my younger days, when I used to walk around and just randomly talk to people and engage in conversations with anyone and everyone. It was so much fun, so freeing, so human. Can you think of a time you felt this way, maybe in an argument or otherwise?

[Wicker Man]

I'm going to have to check out some of those books! The Book of 5 Rings came up elsewhere and I might buy it next... ... ..I'll admit, my first reaction to you using the word emptiness was to shirk a bit... ... ..I really like how you related it to active listening... ... ..Can you think of a time you felt this way, maybe in an argument or otherwise?

The book of 5 Rings by Miyamoto Musashi is incredibly beautiful, but esoteric(!)  I spent 20 years stick fighting and could barely grasp the lofty lessons of Musashi.  I tried and tried, but he was simply on a very different level.  Definitely worth reading though -don't think of it as a combat training manual it is philosophy.

The emptiness I was referring to came to me during fighting, it only happened for me twice in nearly 35 years of having the stuffing beaten out of me in various combat disciplines. 

Normally my head was full of noise, footwork, breathing, Wow! he is trying to hit me!  Wow! Hit him back! ugh.  Kind of like Daffy Duck ":)odge, thrust parry" if you remember the cartoon. 

The emptiness, when it came, was beautiful, serene, the fight became a dance -everything slowed down to a crawl, time nearly stopped.  It was a remarkable feeling and fleeting.  I have met a couple people who fought at that level easily and often -they were truly something to behold.  It was a joy being beaten by them, just to be close to that kind of beauty.

This is nothing like the emptiness my BPD lover experienced when she cut herself.  Mine was an emptiness of pure acceptance, not a dysphoric horror show.

I would use active listening when my BPD ex raged -I would let the vitriol wash over and around me while listening for any real message -which inevitably was fear.  I would quietly try my best to address her fear.

To my mind active listening as turning off one's inner dialogue and simply listening.  We as humans are usually not listening in a conversation, but instead planning what we will say once our conversation partner pauses to take a breath.

Once again congratulations on getting into the gym and training.  I had to give up fighting because I found I was having to spend so much time trying to keep my joints in order.  I am happy for you and envious



Wicker Man

[heartandwhole]

heartandwhole: I really like what you said about trusting yourself. To me, that's one of the biggest things I'm learning in the self-defense classes - how to trust yourself and your abilities in a situation where someone can harm you. From being in the right stance to having the right form when throwing a combative move, or having situational awareness and having a fully charged cell phone to call for help, all of these equate to feeling safer and ultimately trusting yourself and your ability to respond better. In a relationship, that might feel like some of the things we're talking about on this thread - being careful of trauma bonding, not revisiting painful stuff that serves no purpose but to hurt you, remaining self-aware in new relationships, etc. What has learning to trust yourself looked like for you?

I couldn’t have said it better, lighthouse9. Everything you wrote. Trusting myself is knowing that I have the tools, strength, and self-awareness to get through whatever comes my way in relationships. A part of me says it’s just easier to avoid, but the cost can be very high, too. So, maybe it’s actually easier to use the skills that I have, enjoy new relationships, and practice loving myself and others.  

heartandwhole

[Cromwell]

Great conversation everyone!

Cromwell: I like the title "warrior" - I'm going to hold onto that one 
Your reflections on trauma bonding felt spot on to me. Congrats on feeling less like you need to talk about the relationship! I'm still dying to talk about mine, but I'm trying to practice not having it be a thing by starting up conversations with people in public places. For some reason, I told the barista this morning about my new ear plugs I just bought. Was it awkward as hell? Sure. Did it have nothing to do with my ex? Yep! And hey, at least I wasn't talking about the weather again. I'm sure I'll have many embarrassing moments like this where I grasp for something to talk about that isn't my ex, but whatever - it's good practice. What kinds of things are you finding to talk about when you connect with new people?

it not only sounds better than "survivor" which is what more people seem willing to call themselves, a more watered down, less conceited word for warrior.

Most have talked about their fights without characterising themselves as warrior, per se. Yet to fight, and sometimes we are forced to rather than wishing this, you have to be at least temporarily, a warrior.

Im a bit different, I "bottled up" those feelings of my ex, it helped to talk about them here but its not something I shared beyond it. My family are sick of hearing about her and whoever else I did speak to gave generally good advice, but very much based on not understanding that this was more than your average relationship. I hope that by talking to others it helped in the "a problem shared is a problem halved" sort of way, helps not to internalise it so much.

The trick is to let people talk about themselves. I learned this in medical line of work, someones fungal nail might not mean a thing to you, they might just happen to be the worlds biggest crisis to the person who is talking about it. Showing that interest, listening and building up a trusting rapport that shows you care, leads from fungal nail, to recommeding suncream lotion because of the hot weather (the safe weather topic!) leads to holiday plans in hot climates, which then leads to "oh i was where you are hoping to go"... .leads to talking about what you did on holiday "oh I like scuba diving too"... .leads to discussion on the latest news report of sunken treasure ship discovered and how much gold was found... .leads to talk about what would they possibly do with that amount of money... .leads to talk about investing or spending... .

link the most innane stuff up and you go from fungal nail to maybe making a new friend. If you dont connect with that person, thats fine too. You know when you go on holiday and meet people on flights and airports, why is it so easy to connect? its i think a safety thing, you lose the ego because you dont think youll see each other again. ive had peoples entire life stories out of them and offered to live with them if I came back. thats great, but think about it, why shouldnt or couldnt it be applied anywhere? I used to be too shy to talk too much, or feeling it might offend. Ive found myself saying to people "why are you vegetarian, whats wrong with eating animals" and after their initial shock at the apparent lack of tact - became great friends. they might not agree with what you say or your opinions but your openness and honesty set the stage for open-communications and hearing things from them that they dont feel able to talk to others. Things that others will think but be too tepid to say. Have to get over this to go beyond weather and the "safe zones". Just dont be rude, you can always apologise later if it unintentionally causes upset (it rarely does!)

Your talking about your ex is showing a lot of trust in the other person, but its a more sensitive topic that people might naturally shy away from being afraid to say the wrong thing that could cause upset. If you ask a lawyer for advice, they are going to give a conservative answer, not because it might be the best available, because it is the safest and less riskier of blaming him/her if things might go wrong. Thats why I dont talk about her to people, at least not to get any advice, just whining really and I think I just got tired of it.

Anyway, you know how to talk to people look how much you got me talking. Keep abreast of the news but the golden rule is avoid politics, religion or business until you know the person better. Or your new hobby youve started, it got me far more interested than fungal nails but that subject wouldnt stop me trying either. Good luck if using my "friend indocrination" skills   Just be warned, ive shaked hands with people easily than the problem was more having to find a way to "unfriend" them, now thats where I need some tips. 

[Mustbeabetterway]

Lighthouse9, thanks for sharing this insight.  Enforcing boundaries and not accepting the unacceptable would mean not taking a step back.  Living according to core values and not compromising those values to make someone else happy would be not taking a step back. 

I like the analogy.  Seems like you are making good progress.

Peace and blessings,

Mustbe

[Harley Quinn]

Fantastic thread lighthouse! 

Your class sounds excellent and what you've gained from it aside from the physical fighting techniques makes it an even better pursuit.  I have a DVD with training in street fighting which I purchased during my BPD r/s funnily enough, and would love to attend a class too.  It's definitely on the to do list.   

My stepping back that has impacted me in the past came in a few guises such as failing to honour my values, mostly I think stemming from initially - and throughout - not listening to my intuition.  I consider myself an intelligent person and one who follows her higher wisdom in most areas of life, yet in a romantic r/s or even just in crossing paths with certain types of individuals, can find that I place less value on my inner voice.  Falling into codependent patterns of behaviour, despite consciously refusing to actively enable. 

With recognition of this I've altered my mindset when it comes to meeting new people and interacting with them.  I am more conscious now of not stepping back into old habits, and have begun to listen to my inner voice more.  Showing kindness to others doesn't have to come at a cost to me, nor does it define me or give me my worth.  I trust my instincts, and teach my son that it's important to be kind - and that starts by being kind to ourselves.  Here's to standing strong and walking away safely.

Love and light x
     

[gotbushels]

lighthouse9   

Thank you for the sensational sharing.   

"If you can breathe, you can fight."

Amazing. This is so true. In those battles of assertion with difficult people--breathing is key. While no punches are thrown--breathing. Those moments of silent eye-contact when asserting a boundary--breathing. Breathing probably helps to keep the freeze/fight response at bay too. Yes! 

So back to BPD - what might it look like to take that small step back each time?

Yes, in a physical combat situation--good technique to avoid giving space per your training is probably beneficial.    With reference to BPD and managing a situation, I think 'mentally' stepping back is beneficial for me. This would help me to keep my long term goals in mind and without aggravating the 'aggressor'. I think being that observer is to take a step back, and almost out-of-body. In some ways, I think it's almost vital to get into observer-mode because of the whole projection issue with BPDs.