Can it even be fixed now? Tired of false accusations

[scaredrobot]

I don't know if my marriage can be fixed. My H has told me that we are split. I love my uBPD H very much, but I've done everything wrong in responding to him. For almost a year he has been accusing me of being interested in and focusing on another man who goes to our gym, I don't know his name, but we'll call him Ron. I'm not interested, but he's absolutely convinced that I am. He even had me questioning at times whether he's right and I'm mistaken about my own mind and actions. There's a lot to the story, and I'm not sure how to spell it out right. When it started, I was newly pregnant and he had just started a new job, so there was a lot of stress. I didn't even know who he was talking about when the accusations started. I figured it out after a couple arguments, and I tried to reassure him that I was not looking at Ron nor interested in him. Until recently I didn't even know about BPD, so I didn't know how to react. I JADEd all over the place. Over the next several months, I traumatically lost the pregnancy and everything started to fall apart. He stopped accusing me regarding Ron, but he started to accuse me of cheating with the therapist I was seeing to deal with the loss. I was making good progress, but with the stress of H's accusations and drama, the therapy was starting to feel counterproductive, so I quit. I did learn about BPD around this time, but hadn't (and really still haven't) learned the necessary skills to cope. Then H went back to focusing on Ron. Since I was already dealing with my own depression and grief issues, I started to get anxious every time Ron would be at the gym. He took that nervousness as a sign of my interest. I tried to explain, but it only added fuel. Then to stop a big conflict I said something that he took as an admission of guilt. So now according to him I'm a liar, playing games and I really want Ron. No matter what I do, it's wrong. I tried to quit the gym, but that's further proof that I can't handle myself around Ron. I swear that I'm not looking at Ron, not even aware of his presence unless he walks right in front of me, but he swears he sees me doing it. And if I'm not lying then I'm calling him a liar. That's even worse. I've gotten frustrated and defensive and invalidating and said some really stupid things, and I know I've made the situation so much worse. It's escalated too far. I still want to fix it, but I don't know if that's even possible now. I don't know what to do.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi scaredrobot,

I'm sorry you hearing these false accusations, that must be so painful, annoying, exhausting, unsettling... .argh!

Have you seen this information yet?

Stop Accusations and Blaming

It help you think through this topic and perhaps find strategies than can make this less problematic for you.

It's understand, we naturally want to defend/argue. It's good that you recognize how fruitless that is!

Take a look at the link above and let us know what you think!

We're here. We're listening. We get that you are not interested in Ron. We're here to keep you attached to reality friend! 

wishing you peace, pearl.

[scaredrobot]

The problem isn't even about that guy, is it. That's where I really failed. I bought into the narrative. I got so caught up in being offended and anxious by the false accusation that I didn't listen to the deeper message. I used to be so good at not reacting to his BS, not giving in to his attempts to create drama. That's what drew him to me. But he found a weakness, and I rewarded him with defensiveness and the drama he so craves and hates. And we've had so much stress and pain just piling on that we were triggering each other into a spiral of destruction. I became someone I swore I would never be. Maybe it's too late to fix my marriage; I don't know. I wish I could go back in time and undo my part in this.

[Wrongturn1]

I started to get anxious every time Ron would be at the gym. He took that nervousness as a sign of my interest. I tried to explain, but it only added fuel.

Boy howdy can I relate to this!  My uBPDw has falsely accused me of wanting women from work and from church, to the point where both of those places have been huge stressors for me at different times. 

The best course of action is not to get sucked into detailed defenses of these false accusations.  Just something along the lines of "nope, I don't want Ron; and I feel for you because it must be very upsetting to think your spouse wants someone else!" (hug)  Try to throw in a dash of validation of his feelings, as irrational as they are.  This can go a long way toward building trust.