Things more calm lately: What to do during the lull?

[pearlsw]

Hi all,

It's seems like I've had almost two relatively stable weeks in a row with my SO. That is not much by the standards of my previous relationships, but by this one it is.

The winds can change at any time, but for now I want to go back to the basics and look at this relationship with fresh eyes.

I was reading here again:
The Do’s and Don’ts of a BPD Relationship

And this stuck out for me:

1.01 | The Do's and Don'ts in a BPD Relationship

Realistic Expectations: A person with BPD is emotionally underdeveloped and does not have "adult" emotional skills - especially in times of stress.  If you are in this type of relationship it is important to have realistic expectations for what the relationship can be in terms of consistent respect, trust and support, honesty and accountability, and in terms of negotiation and fairness, or expectations of non-threatening behavior.  It is important to accept the relationship behavior for what it is - not hope the person will permanently return to the idealization phase, not accept the external excuses for the bad behavior, and not hope that changing your behavior to heal someone else.

I am asking myself do I have realistic expectations? What would the best version of this relationship look like? Have I already given too much? Does this life together deserve more effort? If so, what?

Do you feel you have realistic expectations?

~pearl.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

I am asking myself do I have realistic expectations? What would the best version of this relationship look like? Have I already given too much? Does this life together deserve more effort? If so, what?

i like a back to basics approach! these are good (and realistic) questions.

what are your answers (focus on one question if it helps)? lets start there.

[pearlsw]

hey once removed,

thanks for the reply!

the one that is really hitting me today is this:

If you are in this type of relationship it is important to have realistic expectations for what the relationship can be in terms of consistent respect, trust and support, honesty and accountability, and in terms of negotiation and fairness, or expectations of non-threatening behavior.  It is important to accept the relationship behavior for what it is - not hope the person will permanently return to the idealization phase, not accept the external excuses for the bad behavior, and not hope that changing your behavior to heal someone else.

i miss feeling respected (though he would say he respects me more than anyone) and i don't like being with someone who threatens me (though he would apologize it doesn't seem to stop it). he is saying, again, that he does not mean these things, and that he won't break up again, but i don't have a lot of patience left to humor this outrageous, exhausting behavior. normally i'd be pretty polite, but lately, i just say, "well, then show me this. do it. it's not okay to break all the time like this. this has to stop."

he's very in LOVE lately because his medication has helped a lot. i feel like i owe him a chance, but... .it has also just dragged on so long and he's not taking care of some things i'd like him to as quickly as i'd like him to.

i know it is silly to be saying this but i just wish i hadn't been overseas with him and gone through all this... .it left me in a very one down position and i have felt so trapped at times. even now, sometimes, i can't tell if i feel trapped or am here freely. and that is pretty messed up! i know there is no point in regrets, but i wish i'd had the resources and options of my home country while dealing with all this... .oh well. that is the past now. unchangeable.

all in all, compared to many here i sometimes feel i have it easy. by comparison, the white phases are... .at least calm and quiet, but the part i don't like is that they are still all about him and his feelings... .i don't see how i would ever not feel totally eclipsed by his feelings/mood swings. building a life overseas is such an uphill battle and with this too... .well... .at least his medicine is working and he's happy.

thanks again!

~pearl.

[Cromwell]

The calm before the (inevitable) storm.

Enjoy it whilst it last pearl, but at the same time, I couldnt fully enjoy the times of peace because I still had to mentally prepare myself for when the inevitable would hit, failing to do so would be to get overwhelmed by it when it comes unexpected. I see much of a parallel between that and waiting for a terrorist cell to activate. The objective is not the damage sustained at the time, it is for the society to live in anticipation and fear of the next strike which keeps fear propagated, ie, there really never is peace anymore, or able to fully relax ones guard.

[pearlsw]

Hey Cromwell,

Thanks for dropping by!

I guess you haven't seen my latest post: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=325380.0

haahahaha. The dark times have returned!

It is very hard. I don't want to end up being hyper-vigilant. I'm a pretty easy going person overall. I just really wish things could have worked. You know how it is... .relationships start off with such good intentions and dreams... .and you just want to believe this time it will really last. I mean, I could have kept going with a few relationships in the past, but... .I dunno. Sometimes you just wanna take a leap and see what else might be out there. I sure did when I was younger! But all risks don't pay off, what can ya do?

At my age I'm not thrilled to start again if/when we finally break, but who knows... .being alone (dating or not dating) could be awesome! I would love to have more chances to spend time with and help others. I'll make the best of it... .it's just the getting to that next step that is the hardest and scariest.

We'll see... .

Thanks for your input man!

~pearl.

[waverider]

Realistic expectations are hard to measure. It is like a graph with peaks and troughs, while it is easy to this, we must stand back and acknowledge that it is important to see where the the median is heading. If the pick ups are being tarnished by the knowledge that it is "tainted" or "unauthentic" then the peaks dont seem as great, while the downs are just as bad, or even worse as the compounding effect grinds down your tolerance.

The result is the median slowly starts to decline as resentment and depression creep in. This is the importance of being objective about the long term, and take our eyes off the immediate peaks and troughs that seem to over occupy us at times. Otherwise it becomes very hard to stay healthy.

Are we constantly building sandcastles in an attempt to hold back the tide? If so we need to change our building material

[CautiousHope]

Such a good question *and I seem to have misread it and don't know how to delete - sorry!*

[pearlsw]

Such a good question *and I seem to have misread it and don't know how to delete - sorry!*

Hey CautiousHope,

No problem at all, glad for the company!

~pearl.

[pearlsw]

Realistic expectations are hard to measure.

Hi waverider,

So nice of you to drop by! You gave me something to think about... .what are realistic expectations at this point? Because he has split reality into two I don't... .it is hard for me to even say.

I know what I don't want. I know that this is unlikely to get better. I had about 5-6 more months left in me to try. I urged him not to ruin things... .I think it is inevitable he will.

Nevertheless, I will keep doing all I can to push myself to be as disciplined as I can about good communication. (It is not easy with someone who has almost no rules). If nothing else, that is what I want to walk away from this from, just being a better human no matter what.

with gratitude, pearl.

[braveSun]

Hey Pearl 

Nevertheless, I will keep doing all I can to push myself to be as disciplined as I can about good communication. (It is not easy with someone who has almost no rules). If nothing else, that is what I want to walk away from this from, just being a better human no matter what.

I'm trying to stay disciplined, nose into my work today. But I want to throw in a small piece.

I had to learn the hard way that in spite of everything, no matter my level of good intentions for better communication, I have to integrate another level of self-care into the mix, or else I'll have my anger coming up inadvertently through my efforts. My own emotions count. Being authentic counts.

[pearlsw]

hi braveSun,

you know it's funny... .i had this post because things were going so well for a bit... .or as well as they can be.

he makes my head spin. i just don't know to do this relationship. he's really wrecked my feeings for him. he called me earlier and was so lovey dovey... .i am just speechless.

once he was calm again we talked about his cycles. that he can only go about a week and half at most, one time he made it a month in a half, but typically every couple weeks he has a meltdown. early on i just thought he was someone was bottling up his anger and then exploding, but it... .it started to seem like something else was going on. who knows. who knows.

i am just going forward as normally as i can. i have this trip to prepare for. i should do a little to help him feel secure while i am away. to help with his abandonment stuff. sigh. i just don't know how to be with someone who upends everything like this. he is not usually so abusive in terms of his language or being so... .the thing with the door. but... .i don't know. i don't know.

and it was weird to me to find he was actually away, sleeping on the side of the road, for two nights in a row... .he told me he went to a place that reminded him of me. so sad. so deeply sad.

i've let him know... .it's just getting beyond the point i can help him anymore, or be with him, or... .just... .have this life that we had started and wanted so long ago.

i would have been okay with not being madly in love if i could have just had a little more peace. so sad.

being authentic. that's a good point! it is hard because i can't be authentic. his splitting with me for years  now had broken reality for me. it broke years ago. i can't fix his reality. i can only save myself from his broken ways.

i just wish he wasn't a tornado that comes to town, flattens my village, and then pops up the next day as if my village should be rebuilt already. it takes time to rebuild a village... .and at some point the villagers, me, have to relocate away from the tornado's path.

this illness... .whatever it is... .it's a real curse! destroying all this love and devotion i brought him when we started... .

thanks again!

~pearl.