Urgent advice wanted -- reeling from manipulation?

[anyplacesafe]

Hi guys,

I'm sitting in my empty office, throat tight, breath shuddery, trying to work my way through this. I have to have a painful, somewhat scary hospital appointment tomorrow afternoon, and originally both my (uBPD) mum and my wife were going to come with me. Since then my mum hasn't been very well and she felt the driving would be too much for her (we live some distance away). Last weekend (see my previous thread), my wife pissed off my mum by being "too quiet". Today, I was talking to my mum, and towards the end of the conversation, she said "and anyway, I don't think [wife] really wants me there. I think it's best I'm not coming. I think she'd feel that it's her place, not mine. I don't think she'd like it". I said no, that's not true, she was fine with you coming (she was! She said she was! Even if in her heart of hearts she wasn't, she was prepared to be wholeheartedly okay about it TO ME and what more can I ask?). Her: Oh no, no, I don't she'd like it. You give me a ring when it's all over.

This in somewhat martyred tones.

"... .okay," I said. Trying to stay Medium Chill but also struggling to process What the heck was going on with me. Ended the conversation very nicely. But I feel awful. AWFUL.

The thing is, I did want her there, on a visceral scared level. But equally I do know that some or all of the following are likely:
-- I'd have to comfort her
-- She would be so convinced my wife and/or I didn't want her there that she would find evidence for it
-- She would embarrass one or both of us by getting offended with the arrangements or medical staff

I feel like she's trying to undermine my marriage - and it's agony. I have to deal with the fact that I'm having a scary procedure done and although I'm an adult I really wish my mum were there - and that's agony. I can't tell what I should do, how I should get through this, what I should say to my wife. I wish I could tell my dad but the no. 1 rule of my mother's has always been NEVER UPSET YOUR DAD and I feel like it would backfire. And what if he doesn't give me what I want to hear, i.e. comfort. My gut instinct would have been to beg her to come but I don't think I do actually want her there - I do but I don't. I'm so mixed up. I really want A mum there, just maybe not mine? I feel so sick. Sorry. Because what if my mum is right and my wife ideally would prefer her not to be there... .if my wife is WILLING to have her there for my sake, why wouldn't that be enough for my mum?

[Kwamina]

Hi anyplacesafe

I am sorry you are feeling so upset after talking to your mother. It's difficult to tell what's going on in her mind, but considering she has BPD, it is clear she suffers from distorted thinking and perception.

On an emotional level you clearly have a desire for your mum to be there, yet rationally you are also aware of the risks involved in her being there. Since you have that procedure tomorrow, perhaps the best thing to do is just focus on that and how you can get through that.

Have you practiced meditation/mindfulness before? I believe you have if memory serves me right, do you think this might help you as you sit in your office? Just to help you calm your mind and focus on the present moment.

The Board Parrot

[anyplacesafe]

Thanks. Have tried it. Still feel rubbish but breathing has definitely slowed and evened. Wish I could ring my dad for some support and reassurance but it’s hard. And don’t feel I can tell my wife as passing on the criticism... .it is just a little drip drip of poison.

[Mooberry]

Hi there,

My mother did this when I had both of my children in the hospital.  She got upset that I wanted my husband in the room (with her).  I had surgery in November, and was so upset that my husband was asked to go, and I asked her to watch my children.  I made her feel special by telling her she was supporting me from home, but the truth is that my mother makes me miserable ESPECIALLY at the hospital and around medical staff.  She's rude, belittling, and they usually end up ignoring her while she makes me agitated and escalates my nerves with her criticism and condescending remarks.

I think take a deep breath, and accept that your mother is not able to be a mother.  She's not able to fill your needs.  She needs to be the center of attention.  Maybe that's also why you wanted her there... .a subconscious need to worry about HER rather than worry about yourself?  I wonder.

[anyplacesafe]

Hey, sounds like you’ve been here! I always second-guess myself, trying to see things from her POV, but maybe also she feels unnecessarily guilty for not being able to drive here and now wants to make out like that’s not the reason and she didn’t decide she wasn’t coming (when she did). The thing about aggravating the staff makes sense - when I’ve attended her medical appointments with her she’s often rude without realising she has been.

I also suspect that later it will turn out I failed a test by just saying “okay” instead of begging her to change her mind or come with me. But when I once found a lump in my breast I had to comfort her, it wasn’t the other way round. I just wish I could get some parental support. It’s hard to get that feeling elsewhere...

[Mooberry]

Hey, sounds like you’ve been here! I always second-guess myself, trying to see things from her POV, but maybe also she feels unnecessarily guilty for not being able to drive here and now wants to make out like that’s not the reason and she didn’t decide she wasn’t coming (when she did). The thing about aggravating the staff makes sense - when I’ve attended her medical appointments with her she’s often rude without realising she has been.

I also suspect that later it will turn out I failed a test by just saying “okay” instead of begging her to change her mind or come with me. But when I once found a lump in my breast I had to comfort her, it wasn’t the other way round. I just wish I could get some parental support. It’s hard to get that feeling elsewhere...

My mom is always crying about my autoimmune disease... ..  She cries about it more than me.  She also uses it to try to convince me that I won't ever survive with out her.  I've been in therapy for years grieving the loss and realization that I've never had a mother.   I've raised myself.  My husband's mother... .wow.  She is a mother. She may have used corporal punishment on him, but she is so loving.  It hurts that I missed out on that, and that I have to also figure out what the hell being a mother looks like now... . 

I've definitely been where you are.  I think I read your previous post about your wife and your mom having some issues with each other as well.  I think that also makes it really hard.  My husband talks so negatively about my mom, and doesn't realize that she's still my mom.  So I have the stress of having a BPD mom and the stress of my husband not liking her... .and I have to deal with BOTH of them. .  Sometimes, I just laugh.  It's too much.

[anyplacesafe]

My mom is always crying about my autoimmune disease... .

     ... .you have to laugh. I get you. I also worry about how to be a mother. The irony is that my procedure thing tomorrow is an early step on the route to fertility & hopefully becoming one... .and there's All This surrounding it!

I think I read your previous post about your wife and your mom having some issues with each other as well.  I think that also makes it really hard.  My husband talks so negatively about my mom, and doesn't realize that she's still my mom.  So I have the stress of having a BPD mom and the stress of my husband not liking her... .and I have to deal with BOTH of them. .  Sometimes, I just laugh.  It's too much.

Laughing is definitely the best response. I'm sorry your husband does that, I know how difficult to hear I find criticism of my mum. Very occasionally it makes things easier though - it's painful but it's recognition that I'm not crazy... .do you think your mother wanted to be a good mother? How long have you been in therapy? Do you think your mom impacted on areas of your life like work?

[Mooberry]

     ... .you have to laugh. I get you. I also worry about how to be a mother. The irony is that my procedure thing tomorrow is an early step on the route to fertility & hopefully becoming one... .and there's All This surrounding it!

Laughing is definitely the best response. I'm sorry your husband does that, I know how difficult to hear I find criticism of my mum. Very occasionally it makes things easier though - it's painful but it's recognition that I'm not crazy... .do you think your mother wanted to be a good mother? How long have you been in therapy? Do you think your mom impacted on areas of your life like work?

My mom defintely wanted to be a good mom.  She just doesn't know how.  She had a terrible childhood.  I've been in therapy for 8 years.  And yes, my mom impacts my work- most definitely.  Luckily in my line of work, it helps to inform it.  My experience of her has actually formed my entire life goal. Forunately and unfortunately.

[anyplacesafe]

My mom defintely wanted to be a good mom.  She just doesn't know how.  She had a terrible childhood. 

Same. And I think my grandmother also had a terrible childhood... .urrrrgh. I think my mum tried incredibly hard to do the opposite that my grandmother did to her, and in some ways (e.g. attitude to treats, praise) she did, but there are less tangible behavioral patterns that clearly repeated.

And yes, my mom impacts my work- most definitely.  Luckily in my line of work, it helps to inform it.

That's so interesting - if you can share anymore, I'd be fascinated. How do you cope with the stress she puts you under?

[lovelyj]

Hi!

I’m sorry you are going through this ordeal. I had battled similar emotions this past year on whether or not to have my mother in the room with me during labor. I was having severe anxiety during pregnancy and also had a complicated pregnancy so I was extremely nervous for first time labor! Well she ended up being in the room, along with others, and actually came up to me during labor to hold my hand and she whispered in my ear I’m going to have a panic attack help me! Haha at that point I had already realized she was making it about her and couldn’t deal with another person needing support so I just laughed it off. But deep down it was so difficult to not have a “normal” mother to give support during what felt like a scary time. But you can do this and if you have other family’s support I hope you can focus on them.