Life and living on a never ending roller coaster: need relief

[Surge]

Hi All,

I have been married for 30 years. My wife and I have one child who is now 24 years old. Both my daughter and myself are convinced my wife is BPD. It has not been diagnosed.

My life with "wife" has been a roller coaster ride. It never ends. Very extreme highs, and lows. Lots and lots of emotional abuse, lashing out, rants, etc. All very extreme. This, of course, is directed at both myself and daughter.

There is no relationship between wife and daughter. Daughter is afraid of her, and I understand that. Knows that there is no respect. Daughter does not know what her Mother says about her. Horrible, horrible. Wife regrets having daughter, regrets marrying me, Regrets the last 30 years of her life. Hates both me and our daughter. I have a very good relationship with our daughter. Of course, that puts me smack in the middle. Wife blames me entirely for that relationship. Blames me for ruining our daughter, controlling the situation and, therefore controlling her.

I have a strong enough personality that my esteem "usually" can handle the terrible things that she says. Sometimes not. I have friends that I can talk to. I try not to. I am embarrassed to discuss my relationship, so I don't.

I am not really asking for help. I am not asking any questions. I feel like this group could possibly give me some relief.

Surge

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Surge,



I'm a bit like you I think. I am strong enough that the horrible I things I've heard have not undermined me in life. I came to this late in life and had good self-esteem, the harder part has been knowing a human capable of speaking to another human in this way - someone who has treated me worse than everyone else I've ever known combined.

I'm curious, how would you say you feel for your partner? Is there any element of attraction or love left within you for her?

with compassion, pearl.

[Surge]

Hi Pearl,

We have been separating pretty regularly (I can only take so much), for a week at a time. She plummets during these times, then comes out the other end feeling badly, and often admitting that she has a problem (this is rare). I miss her during these times. I miss the woman that she can be. I love her still, despite the highs and lows. When she is good, she is good. 30 years together. That's a lifetime.

Surge

[pearlsw]

Hi Surge,

Thanks for your reply!

How long have you suspected BPD? Have you been using any of the tools here or just making do?

warmly, pearl.

[Surge]

Pearl,

For years, I assumed Bi-Polar. It was my daughter, in fact, that suggested, then insisted, it is BPD. Two years ago, maybe. Everything I have read since, sounds exactly like my wife. I have read "Walking on Eggshells". That's it. This is my first day here.

Do you have a partner or relative with BPD?

S

[pearlsw]

Hi Surge,

Oh yes! Thanks for asking. My partner seems to have some BPD traits. I found the site because I was searching and searching for answers. They were very hard to come by! I just started noting his behaviors and then searching and searching. I suspected bipolar or schizoprenia since a relative of his has that, but nothing seemed to fit. What I realized when I found this site is that it is the behaviors that matter so I learned to focus on those and worry less about an exact diagnosis. I think we'll never have one. In many cases though I think it is much more apparent!

It is important to remember these things exist on a spectrum. For me a hard part is thinking that perhaps some of these things will go away, but realizing they probably won't. I am not sure yet how I feel about that. Must I stay and care for him no matter what? I don't know yet. How much is too much suffering for me to endure in all this?

How do you feel about it all?

warmly, pearl.

[Surge]

Pearl,

I don't think we will ever have a diagnosis, either. I have lived with this woman for 30 years. I know her better than anyone. I am not imagining this (at least, I am forever reminding myself to believe what I feel). After the last mini separation, my wife folded (somewhat) and said "I am bi-polar". This was a pivotal moment for me. Admission. Wow! As a result, she agreed (with my encouragement), to see a Therapist. She saw a Therapist yesterday. What a disaster... .for me. She loved the Therapist, the therapist agreed with everything my wife said (typical) and they avoided any talk of BPD, which is what the visit was about.

My experience is her condition is getting worse. I am sure you do not want to hear this. Age related? Maybe. Complicated by Menopause? Maybe. Worse because my patience is running out? Likely.

The dysfunction between the three of us is heart breaking. The way my wife talks about our daughter, is heart breaking. I live in fear. I am afraid to come downstairs in the morning. I have no idea whether she will be smiling or I will get the silent treatment.

I believe in the commitment of marriage. More important maybe, is I don't think my wife could survive on her own. She has threatened suicide many times (I had her admitted once, when I thought she was dead. Called the cops, etc.). For these reasons, the thought of leaving her does not seem to be an option.

S

[pearlsw]

Hi Surge,

We understand! And by the way, we have a policy on the site of no run or stay messages. So unless there is violence involved, then we get really worried, we're here to help you sort through things as you need to.

Many of us have legitimate reasons to stay and support our BPD/BPD traits partners. We're on this journey with you, and as you share more of your story people are able to offer more insights and ideas.

I have never seen it mentioned, but it is not hard for me to imagine that menopause could heighten these kinds of issues!

So, she's seeing a therapist, but she's not on any medication for her bipolar disorder? Are you expecting that could happen? My SO started taking medication about two months ago and it seems to have made a big difference. He is now saying it makes him feel so good he wants to take it for life. I couldn't be more shocked, but I'm happy for him.

Are you or your daughter seeing a therapist?

There are a lot of tools on this site than can help you rethink how you interact with her. It takes some effort, but it can be possible to improve the communication I've found. All is not perfect, but my SO and come back from some pretty low points - largely because I was willing to make some adjustments in how I spoke with him. I was not terrible but I didn't realize that there ways that would work just for his needs that could also make my life easier and happier.

take care friend, pearl.