Is there a way to save my 30 year marriage with my BPD partner?

[confused67]

Hello everyone,  I found this group after reading the book One Way Ticket to Kansas.  I was very surprised to see that I was not the only one going through this craziness (what a relief)!
Here is my story  I have been in my relationship with my wife for 30 years and found out she has BPD. I want to try and save my relationship but don't know how. Now realizing what it all consist of after doing some research that why im on this site to find more answers.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[isilme]

Hi confused67, and welcome.

 

I will certainly say it can be possible.  Things CAN improve.  It's not overnight, it's not easy, and it always starts with us, the "nons" taking the first steps to working on us to see what we might do that contributes to the BPD irrational reactions, but yes, things can improve.

I found this site when I almost had one foot out the door, in a relationship that was then going for 10 years.  We are now at our 22 anniversary of being together (2nd of actually being married).

I'd look at the tools and lessons, especially starting with ones about validation, using SET to communicate, and seeing how we inadvertently add fuel to the fire by doing things like Justifying Arguing Defending and explaining (JADE).

BPD for most is tied heavily to an inability to process negative emotions, especially ones that require taking blame or responsibility for anything.  They process their feelings in unhealthy ways, often by trying to project them and spew them onto us, their partners.  We often add to this by falling into the trap of trying to manage their emotions for them - we can't.  One of the hardest first steps is letting go of that because doing so removes the needed exercise to learn to manage their emotions from them and enables them to keep being irrational and hard to live with. 

It helps me a lot to think of it as a lot like my BPD-husband's diabetes.  It's a condition he has for the rest of his life.  It can be managed, but even with the hardest work, we will have high or low sugar events.  BPD can be managed, but it does not go away.  Together, you can work to mitigate how much it affects you, but that lack of early childhood learning about emotional control, proper emotional responses, will always be missing.  Realizing this can help sometimes with taking less hurt from the negative things tossed at you. 

Please come back and write, write, write.  Writing helps me a lot, and your story can resonate with others who may only come here to read.  Feel free to chime in, ask questions, share specific examples of an incident so others can give you feedback on new strategies to try.

[once removed]

hey confused67, id like to join isilme and say

what are the primary sources of conflict between you and your wife? how would you each describe them?

have you seen this article: https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

it describes a lot of what is required of us in the easy and the testing times in these relationships, including the importance of self care and a strong support system, having realistic expectations, and strong boundaries, and a list of some dos and donts, a great place to start!