Hello, I have a sister with uBPD

[GracefulRobbin]

Hello, this is my first post on bpdfamily. 

I am 35 year old women with a 46 year old half-sister who I believe has undiagnosed BPD.  I just finished reading Stop Walking On Eggshells and many of the scenarios described in the book hit home for me.  I guess I'm writing today because I've hit a wall.

I struggle with some anxiety and depression and take an SSRI to help.  I've been in therapy for about 6 years now and have done a tremendous amount of work overcoming childhood traumas, low self-esteem and codependency.  But despite all that, one area that is feeling particularly insurmountable is the relationship with my sister.  She and I have had a distant relationship - never quite close.  I moved away from home at 18 and would visit on the holidays.  Those would often to be filled with screaming matches, storming off and tears.  Last July, it reached a breaking point.  I was planning to come home for the 4th of July and there was a miscommunication about my schedule.  My sister was beginning the process of separating from her husband and didn't feel like I made enough time for her while I was home.  Rather than call, she me texts saying how hurtful and selfish I was being.  I tried to explain to her that I did have time for her and there was a misunderstanding but she would hear none of it.  I finally ended the conversation and said, "Please call me when you're ready to talk.  I'm here for you." We didn't speak for four months.  I sent a package to her kids in October of that year and she refused to give it to them.  She emailed me and said I was a piece of sh*t for not calling her.  I tried to explain that I left the ball in her court but she didn't care.  Finally in November, she called to talk.  We more or less patched things up - although I think I apologized a lot for things that were out of my control.  Since then we've talked pretty regularly - she's been going through a really bad divorce and I've been trying to be as supportive as possible.  But I can't shake the trauma of 4th of July.  I get anxious every single time she texts or calls - I panic thinking I need to reply right away or I'm in trouble.  I also get anxious at the beginning of the week - thinking to myself, "Okay when do I have time to call her?" I feel like I need to call her at least once a week or she'll think I don't care, she'll think I'm a piece of sh*t, that I'm selfish or mean.  Then I spiral into negative self-talk, mad at myself for allowing someone to have this much control over me.  It's a really hard cycle and I'm reaching a breaking point, but I don't know what to do.  I've talked at length about this with my therapist - and she has been tremendously supportive in helping me cultivate a sense of self-love and self-care when these anxious feelings come on... .but it all feels like band-aid... .So I decided last night to post here to see if anyone else has had any similar experience or seasoned advice... .I guess I just want someone to tell me it gets better... . 

Unfortunately my parents are not equipped to deal with - in the past they've just ignored her or acquiesced rather than set clear boundaries.  When I've gone to them for advice they've just replied that I need to 'toughen up!' and 'don't take it personally!' - as though it were a switch I could turn on/off.  But it's not a switch, it feels like years of conditioning that I'm trying to undo - and ultimately, it feels like I'm walking up a down escalator... .

Thank you in advance for any insight, support or help you can provide.

[once removed]

hey GracefulRobbin, glad you decided to make your first post!

yes, things can get better! this place is chock full of tools to that will help in the most testing of times. what i love about them is that they work with everyone, so you can dig in and start practicing right away. one of the first, easiest tools i got familiar with was learning not to JADE. once i had that down, what TO do got easier.

a good, strong support system is vital too. its good that youre seeing a therapist. this community, and the resources, are a great adjunct to the therapeutic relationship. id encourage you to keep posting, reading, and responding to others. i find it really keeps me learning, and helps me feel connected to people that can relate.

when is the last time you spoke to her?

[HappyChappy]

Hey GracefulRobbi,

I hear you on this. You described how my NPD bro and BPD mom made me feel. If you are getting panic attacks and anxiety because you feel you need to get back to your sister straight away, then it sounds like you are at a point where you need to take decisive action.
Its quiet natural you would get this if your sister was chipping away at you all those years, its exactly what someone with BPD is trying to achieve. It’s possible you may have CPTSD, has that ever been mentioned ? Next to eating disorders, this is the most common ailment someone being brought up with BPD would get.

You say you have been in Therapy for 6 years, which is good, but it sounds like you need an extra boost. Have you ever considered taking a sabbatical from your sister, No Contact for a while ? CBT  therapy, for example, does not work if we are in an agitated state. A BPD will keep us agitated and hence unable to escape. C
I has similar anxieties to you and  would not have healed had I not gone NC. Going to a sanctuary is a common approach to dealing with many mental illnesses. Taking away all agitation, with little sound or colour. This is not a recommendation as I don’t know you well enough, just an idea for you to discuss with your Therapist and others.

Can I ask you, what do you get out of your relationship with your sister ? If you ever desperately needed a friend, and it was inconvenient to your sister, would she be there for you ? Would a friend give you more support ? Do you think you have truely, radically, accepted you will never have a proper sister, the sister you deserved ? A BPD of the age your sister is, is unlikely to accept a diagnosis now, let alone therapy.

I also found my relationship with my NPD bro a sticking point in my recovery. I found it hard to get over his complete absence of loyalty and violence towards me. I needed to grieve the brother I should have had, doing something termed “radical acceptance”. I though I had accepted I would never have the brother I deserved, but I still need to go down the radical acceptance route.

Does any of this sound relevant to your situation ? If not, what aspects of your sister annoy you the most ? What behaviour triggers your anxiety ?

[baylady]

  I also have an uBPDsis.  We actually used to be very close (or so I thought), but I believe there was a lot of enmeshment, not just with she and I but my entire family.  There are a lot of similarities to your story, right up to her calling me, "a piece of s***."  I have been NC with her for quite some time.  I miss her every day, or at least I miss the relationship I thought I had with her.  She betrayed my trust in such a huge, hateful way that I will never be able to trust her again.

It is all very hard and very sad I know.  I am still working on all of it with my therapist.  My only advice is to set clear boundaries, not by stating them to her necessarily but just setting them yourself and not allowing her to cross them.  She will be angry, and you don't need to feel guilty about that.  You actually did it when you told her to call you when SHE was ready to talk.  What I have come to understand is that I can't change uBPDsis's behavior, I can only change mine and how I react to her.  It sometimes doesn't feel fair, but it is just the way it is.  I also don't always succeed.  She sent me a nasty email several weeks ago, and I responded even though I know better.  All it does is escalate things.

No one deserves to be abused.  This board has helped me over the years.  Keep coming back.  I often helps me to know that others have similar relationship problems and that I am not alone.

[GracefulRobbin]

Hi, thank you all for your replies.  I think just knowing there are people out there who can relate in some way to my situation, feels extremely validating; and that , in turn, makes me feel a little bit better.   

@once_removed - Thank you for referring me to JADE - I hadn't heard that term before and I actually think it could be quite helpful.  I try to talk to my sister at least once a week.  Partly because I'm concerned about her and I want to make sure she's doing okay (she's still going through a bitter divorce) and partly because I don't want to "get in trouble".  The latter part is definitely a response from a place of trauma.  My father is also a recovering alcoholic and so this idea that I could control everyone else's behavior with how I behaved has been reinforced from a few different family members. 

@HappyChappy - You've asked some poignant questions, that I had not considered.  My therapist and I have discussed the idea of a post-traumatic response of some kind but we haven't specifically discussed CPTSD - which is certainly worth exploring, thank you.  The idea of 'radical acceptance' is one I struggle with regularly as well. 

@baylady - Thank you for your post.  And thank you for reminding me that I cannot change her behavior.  It's such a hard thing for me to accept and it often hasn't felt fair, but I know that once I can truly accept this truth things may be a little be easier.

[hellebore1]

  I often helps me to know that others have similar relationship problems and that I am not alone.

I'm new here and honestly it's really messing with me in some ways to realize I'm not alone.  You mean OTHER people had siblings who ruined their 10th birthday party threatening suicide?  I'm just so used to not talking about my family because the stories sound so insane people think I'm lying or exaggerating, to get attention I suppose.  It's going to take me a while to get used to the idea I can talk about what happened.

Robbin's sister sounds a lot like my half brother... .also my mom was raised by an alcoholic.  Unfortunately seems like these two conditions go together a lot. 

[ekitt10]

Hi, GracefulRobbin.

I also have a uBPDsis and joined this forum today seeking information and advice. Not sure what to write, I poked around and found your letter. It's both reassuring to know I'm not alone and a little frustrating to know that there's no easy solution. I'm right in the middle of "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and discussing the relationship with my therapist.

My sister is the baby of the family (she's 40 and I'm 44) and requires a lot - maybe all - of attention. She usually gets it. When she doesn't, there's either a sobbing tantrum or silent treatment. Around two months ago, I arrived at a family function where she was excited to greet me. My arms full, I said, "Let me put these things down and then I'll come back." I came right back and gave her a big hug and a kiss. She didn't speak to me for the rest of the day. Whenever our mom or her husband would initiate conversation with me, she would physically place herself between us. Sigh. We haven't spoken since.

Normally, I would chase after her and do whatever it took to smooth things over. I haven't done that this time. My mother has specifically asked me to do this again. I firmly stated that this is something my sister and I need to work out and to please not get in the middle.

Her birthday is coming up, and no one has contacted me about plans. This is very unusual, as my mom normally sets up a family get-together about a month ahead of time. I'm second guessing myself, wondering if I'm doing the wrong thing. I'm looking for a solution somewhere on middle ground, and I can't seem to find it.

[Harri]

I don't think we have chatted before so let me say hello GracefulRobbin and welcome to the board. 

It is very difficult to change long held patterns of behavior but it can be done.  One thing that helped me the most at the beginning of learning to detach from my mother was to remember and repeat over and over that what my mother said and did had little if anything to do with me.  Often, especially when we grow up surrounded by dysfunction it is easy to get caught up in FOG - Fear Obligation and Guilt  FOG can be pretty powerful and makes it so difficult to break habits of a lifetime.  There is something else called Projection, a defense mechanism that people with BPD have to deal with unwanted feelings.  Rather than accept that they feel a certain way, they will instead project them onto another person, usually someone close to them.  It is not uncommon to be accused of thinking and feeling things that we never thought and never felt, but the pwBPD did. 

Understanding the disorder and how it affects the way your half sister treats you is not about helping her so much as to help you distance yourself emotionally from her behavior.  In a way, it helps you not to take things so personally (sorry, I hate that phrase) so that you can focus on you, and eventually get a handle on your reactions so that you can focus on your responses.  Does that make sense?

But it's not a switch, it feels like years of conditioning that I'm trying to undo - and ultimately, it feels like I'm walking up a down escalator... .

Well said.  But you can change this.  It will feel unnatural and uncomfortable to change how you interact with her and even your parents because you are going against your conditioning.  It is not easy to change a lifetime of behaviors and thought processes' but over time you can do it.

Good luck.

[My New Normal]

It's like reading my own words. So sorry you are all dealing with the same thing I am.