The family struggle: why did he snap/his mom lash out?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Some good news first The end of last week and so far this week have been better... .he has been calm and positive and hasn't snapped on me, called me names, or even raised his voice.

He had a big test for a potential job yesterday he was in a good place all week with a confidence i hadn't seen in a long time. I set my alarm woke up at 5:30 called him and made sure he was up (for those that don't know we don't live together... .he lives with his parents) he was going to give himself a hour to get to the testing facility which is roughly 30 min from his house and told his mom this, well he ended up leaving 5 min later than planned because his clothes weren't dry... .she started yelling at him telling him he is a failure and he messes everything up he will never get a job he will always fail and never be good enough... .he got very upset because his mom has never done this to him before he called me crying and i did my best to be there for him and help him through it i even got him to laugh before he walked in to take his test and he thanked me i was very careful not to say "i told you so" or anything of the sort... .

If you have followed my previous posts it is painfully evident that she will do anything to keep him from leaving and to keep him with her forever. He would sometimes agree with this when he was angry then would snap on me other times over it... .but recently he has said it more and more that he needs to get away from her... .She is very quick to use emotional black mail, hold things over his head, make threats, or use money to get him to do what she wants and to guilt him... .i guess it would boil down to FOG?

Why do you think all of a sudden she would lash out like this? She knows he gets very down on himself and gets very bad anxiety with any test. could it be because she knows when he gets a job he is leaving and she doesn't know what else to do so she feels the need to try to ruin it? We highly suspect that she is BPD as well... .Is it likely he will forget about this and go back to defending her like it never happened? Today his thoughts remain the same about her and how she "showed her true colors". I have seen her do and say alot to hold him back in life but this is honestly the first time she has ever resorted to this kind of behavior. I can tell he is hurt but at the same time he is oddly calm... .if that makes sense?

[lostandconfused6]

Some good news first The end of last week and so far this week have been better... .he has been calm and positive and hasn't snapped on me, called me names, or even raised his voice.

He had a big test for a potential job yesterday he was in a good place all week with a confidence i hadn't seen in a long time. I set my alarm woke up at 5:30 called him and made sure he was up (for those that don't know we don't live together... .he lives with his parents) he was going to give himself a hour to get to the testing facility which is roughly 30 min from his house and told his mom this, well he ended up leaving 5 min later than planned because his clothes weren't dry... .she started yelling at him telling him he is a failure and he messes everything up he will never get a job he will always fail and never be good enough... .he got very upset because his mom has never done this to him before he called me crying and i did my best to be there for him and help him through it i even got him to laugh before he walked in to take his test and he thanked me i was very careful not to say "i told you so" or anything of the sort... .

If you have followed my previous posts it is painfully evident that she will do anything to keep him from leaving and to keep him with her forever. He would sometimes agree with this when he was angry then would snap on me other times over it... .but recently he has said it more and more that he needs to get away from her... .She is very quick to use emotional black mail, hold things over his head, make threats, or use money to get him to do what she wants and to guilt him... .i guess it would boil down to FOG?

Why do you think all of a sudden she would lash out like this? She knows he gets very down on himself and gets very bad anxiety with any test. could it be because she knows when he gets a job he is leaving and she doesn't know what else to do so she feels the need to try to ruin it? We highly suspect that she is BPD as well... .Is it likely he will forget about this and go back to defending her like it never happened? Today his thoughts remain the same about her and how she "showed her true colors". I have seen her do and say alot to hold him back in life but this is honestly the first time she has ever resorted to this kind of behavior. I can tell he is hurt but at the same time he is oddly calm... .if that makes sense?

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[pearlsw]

Hi lostandconfused,

How old is your friend? Any hope of him getting to move out?

Which symptoms does his mom seem to have? In what ways does she threaten her son?

I think some parents do have a hard time letting of their kids? Does he serve as her main emotional connection in life?

take care, pearl.

[lostandconfused6]

Hi lostandconfused,

How old is your friend? Any hope of him getting to move out?

Which symptoms does his mom seem to have? In what ways does she threaten her son?

I think some parents do have a hard time letting of their kids? Does he serve as her main emotional connection in life?

take care, pearl.

He is 34... .he wants to move out but he doesn't feel he is in a stable enough situation to do that, he currently doesn't have a job and the only money he has coming in is from military and some investments that his family had made for him years ago... .he is very adamant about not "living off of me" and i understand that. That's why this test for this job was so important he feels it's his ticket to get out of there.

The symptoms i can see  that she has (keep in mind i have little to no interaction with her) are very unstable relationships with her family, a very clear fear of being abandoned, she is incapable of putting anyones needs before her own especially her children, she will never take responsibility for anything, his dad is a crappy person but she makes him out to be way worse and sticks me BPDbf in the middle of all of their problems no matter how big or small... .it's almost like his dad is upfront and open about the crappy things he does but his mom tries to be covert about it and say things like "i only want the best for you" or "if you love me you;ll do this for me you know how hard i have it at work and home" or "remember when i helped you out and paid that bill for you if you do this for me then we will call it even and i'll never mention it again"  when he tells her no or they get in a fight she will say things like "i hope i die today i know you won't care" "i want to get in a car accident no one loves me"

My BPDbf does a lot of these same things so that's why myself and him on occasion (more so lately) recognize it i guess? and says he has finally come to a point where he can't lie to himself anymore about what his mom truly is and what she has caused in his life... .

not sure if this was ok to do but i told him his parents marriage was over a long time ago,well over 20 years ago, but they chose to stay together for a lot of selfish reasons and as a result of that they raised their children in a broken home with no real love or happiness... .i made a decision to leave my sons father because i had 2 options stay and raise our son in a loveless house hold and just exist to keep my "family" together because that's what you're supposed to do or leave and co parent with my sons dad and raise my son with real unconditional love and genuine happiness from 2 households.

His parents should have never been parents and it is painfully obvious from the stories he tells me from his child hood all the years in between and now... .it breaks my heart for him and i told him that, i know it has to hurt like heck to see that your parents have hurt you and held you back so much in life because of their own selfishness

Secretly am i happy this happened Wednesday? Yes, and i say that because it finally allowed him to see front and center and undeniably what his moms intentions are and who she really is... .there was no hiding it or taking it the wrong way she put it right out in the open just like his dad does... .

There is a difference between having a hard time letting go and ruining your child and sabotaging them... .he serves as a scape goat for her... .and she manipulates him into feeling bad for her so he will tell her nice things and make her feel better when she plays victim... .for over 2 years i have watched her and his dad use my BPDbf and lie to him and hold him back and it hurts me to see this... .

I hope he sticks to what he has been saying this week but only time will tell

[pearlsw]

Hi lostandconfused,

It must be so hard to see how your boyfriend is being treated by his parents and not being to do so much about it. How do you see your role? As an emotional support to him? As a future live-in partner?

Does he want to find new ways to better the situation with his mom? Or just get away from her?

Are you able to talk this issues over with your partner or is too emotional for him? Too hot of a topic?

What next?

warmly, pearl.

[lostandconfused6]

Hi lostandconfused,

It must be so hard to see how your boyfriend is being treated by his parents and not being to do so much about it. How do you see your role? As an emotional support to him? As a future live-in partner?

Does he want to find new ways to better the situation with his mom? Or just get away from her?

Are you able to talk this issues over with your partner or is too emotional for him? Too hot of a topic?

What next?


warmly, pearl.

I'll be honest because i feel like this is 1 of the only places  i can really express my true thoughts and feelings... .It frustrates me sometimes when i see him doing so much for these people that literally do nothing for him at all but cause anxiety anger and stress but then i get pushed to the side and get no time with him but he is running home because his mom texted or called (as you know my mind wonders and of course i think it has to do with the other girl that was around sometimes it's really hard not to think that based on events that happen or things that pop up)

Anyway back to the topic at hand... .i see myself as emotional support for him and i am hoping we live together very soon but if anything him living on his own and trying to figure out who he is so we can be better as a couple in the long run

He wants to get away from her at this point... .no good comes from her and he tries to talk to her and she won't listen especially if it's about anything she has done or if he asks her to stop doing something


I am able to talk him about this but i tread lightly i know at any moment i could say the wrong thing and he will see red and he will snap. It's odd because before wed his mom was off limits if i said she was right handed and not left all heck would break loose and i better stop trying to get him to hate his mom because i will lose every time... .now he has been able to be more open to speaking about her not in a malicious way but in an adult mature manor and address what's going on

I asked him very nicely to please let me know if he decides to go back on what he has been saying so i'm not surprised by it 1 day and i also asked that he considers very heavily to stick with everything he has said, at least for the most part, because he can't keep being treated like this and surrounding himself with those people and expect to make any progression with his own BPD

i'll be very honest again... .it upsets me that he doesn't even try to spend more time with me or come to my house despite all my offers and with all this stuff going on to me it's saying he would rather be around them then spend any extra time with me... .maybe i'm wrong but that is how it feels... .and no i haven't said that to him i know it's not the right time

[isilme]

Hi lost,

Glad to hear you were able to help him past a very rough period before the interview.

Why would she lash out like that?  To stop him from growing up and leaving her.  He provides her with the type of emotional supply she wants and needs, as her little boy.  The fact he is in his 30s and wants to leave does not matter.  Yes, Fear, Obligation, and Guilt are very strong factors in how your BF acts regarding her.  and she will escalate things to get her way.

Think of Stockholms Syndrome.  I experienced this with my parents.  I KNEW being beat and emotionally and psychologically abused was wrong.  But they were my parents, I must deserve it, right?  And no one is supposed to just leave their parents, right?  To this day, people still cannot understand the level of abuse that drove me away from all blood relatives, and I am looked at as a bad person in some circles for not communicating with them anymore.  "Blood is thicker than water". 

It sounds like your BF is making some baby steps to being more independent.  This is hard for him, it's going to need you to remain understanding, to encourage without pushing.  It has to be HIS idea to do things, and ti takes time for him to feel comfortable with these new ideas, especially ones that buck his mom's wishes.

[lostandconfused6]

He has said many times "that's my family" or "it's family" and this has bothered me because i have seen my own parents be treated like complete crap by their blood... .to me blood means nothing in a lot of cases it doesn't mean you are indebted to them or that they can treat you like garbage because they are blood... .

I hope he keeps making these steps and doesn't regress... .he told me she hasn't talked to him since it has happened which is very new also. Usually after any fight or disagreement they are talking again in a few hours and it's forgotten but it's been about 3 days now. I am being very careful not to push and letting him lead the conversations and listening... .it almost seems like all the things i have told him in the past have all of a sudden made sense and become clear to him.

I think him spending more time away from his house and with me would help him greatly and he agrees but doesn't do it... .i don't know how to bring this to him  without looking pushy or selfish... .i'm nice about it casually ask i drop hints but nothing just the same saturday night and sunday morning stuff

[lostandconfused6]

update: they have started talking again and he says she thinks everything is ok but it isn't and small things have happened that show he has fallen right back into the same way he was with her before "she cares about me in her own way" "my mom is calling i have to get it"

I guess it was to good to be true and saturday night i was painted completely black and told things like "i'm your karma for all the bad stuff you have done in your life" "if you ever ask me a disrespectufl question like what are you doing or what did you do all day i'll take more time away from you" "ill make you wish you were dead" "don't ever make me feel bad for being mean to you because i like being mean to you" "you only love me because i won't do what you want me to and i never will" i spent the majority of the night hiding in the closet crying. things had been so good with us and we were on the phone while he was on the way to my house and things were great then he walked in and it was like a completely different person. Later that night he asked why i subject myself to him is it because of love or desperation and i said i don't subject myself to you i choose to stay with you because i love you and see the good in you and think the world of you even when you don't give me any reason too... .and he said ok i will start spending more time with you... .that threw me off did he do all that because he was trying to see how far he could push me? does he just need someone to be mad at? Does having BPD cause you to get sick of things going well?


He told me Sunday that its like he has all this anger build up and has to let it out then he feel bad after... .so i suggested we take boxing classes he was open to it... .he told me he needs to treat me better and he's thankful i am his girlfriend and i'm his rock and he is going to do better and at least try to understand where i'm coming from with certain things and to try to understand why some things are so important to me... .well of course he hasn't made and effort to spend more time with me this week and he was a complete jerk mon night and yesterday because he's sick... .he even went as far to tell me he got in a wreck after he called me and screamed at me for literally no reason at all... .my better judgment tells me he didn't get in a wreck because it was never mentioned again and i didn't bring it up but how can i trust him when he lies about stuff like that? He had previously lied about being in the hospital with a pretty serious injury and i found that not to be true i never mentioned that i knew because if i question him WW3 will break out

Is there a way for me to talk to him and just ask him what he wants and what his real honest goals are with our relationship? And possibly even lay out everything on the table that he may be keeping in or hiding from me?

I know that is asking alot but i feel like i'm running in circles