Do I need to apologize?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I've been feeling really guilty lately, even though its been 2 months of no contact. Things ended, after a couple weeks of him having daily push and pull emotions. He could cry hysterically, then tell me I was his dream girl, then in that same day become angry and easily irritable claiming not to have been happy in months. The next day, when I was considering breaking up he was calm and collected after doing yoga and said he didn't mean those things, but wanted a future. He also made odd remarks about how "not everyone wants a cookie cutter lifestyle with marriage and children" even though this wasn't a topic of conversation.

He was so affectionate that day (I'd been affection starved) and it felt really good, he couldn't stop touching me and talking about the love languages (mine is physical affection). The next day he cried for hours and I eventually asked him to see a therapist.I didn't know what was wrong and he kept saying he was just stressed, but that I made him feel safe. He was struggling with impotence as well for about a month and our intimacy declined significantly. He could barely keep erections with me after maybe 6 months and I started to blame myself. He booked an appointment and told me I was his rock, all he needed, and his stability.

A few days later after supporting him and weathering that storm, he hung up the phone on me and told me to leave him alone. My anxiety was really high and I left him alone for a day and the next day I went to his house to check on him, even though he'd asked for space. I think my own abandonment issues or maybe even just concern for his well being made me feel like I needed to check on him. I didn't feel like being shut out and ghosted again and I was confused.

When I got there, he was cold again and looked at me in disgust. He told me he didn't want to be around me or see him, he told me I was trying to control and manipulate him and he talked to me like a dog "back away, go away" and I just couldn't comprehend his responses to me. He was so sweet, but he acted like I was a threat to his safety. I feel really embarrassed that I didn't just leave and tried to reason with him, I event stupidly went as far as to try to stop him from driving away and asked for "clarity" or "closure" which angered him more and he drove away threatening to call the police if I didn't leave his property.

I guess, I feel really bad for acting that way. I never have before, I was just so confused by his extreme changes in emotions and it hurt having him talk to me like I was nothing. I just feel bad because after that he never spoke to me again and blocked me from everything and said I was toxic and the reason our relationship was and why he couldn't go to work. He told me he was fine and that I needed therapy (I was already seeing a therapist). I'm just struggling with feelings of guilt because if I didn't go check on him... .maybe things would have been fine.

I feel like maybe I put too much pressure on him about the lack of intimacy. I don't know. I wish I would have known there was BPD and also possibly BP (when I saw him at his house I found out he'd actually been rushed to a psychiatrist the next day after therapy). He told me I violated his privacy by showing up unannounced, which I get, but I'd been calling him and that weekend was our anniversary and he'd booked a trip and I was just so confused.

[Orange94]

I've been feeling really guilty lately, even though its been 2 months of no contact. Things ended, after a couple weeks of him having daily push and pull emotions. He could cry hysterically, then tell me I was his dream girl, then in that same day become angry and easily irritable claiming not to have been happy in months. The next day, when I was considering breaking up he was calm and collected after doing yoga and said he didn't mean those things, but wanted a future. He also made odd remarks about how "not everyone wants a cookie cutter lifestyle with marriage and children" even though this wasn't a topic of conversation.

He was so affectionate that day (I'd been affection starved) and it felt really good, he couldn't stop touching me and talking about the love languages (mine is physical affection). The next day he cried for hours and I eventually asked him to see a therapist.I didn't know what was wrong and he kept saying he was just stressed, but that I made him feel safe. He was struggling with impotence as well for about a month and our intimacy declined significantly. He could barely keep erections with me after maybe 6 months and I started to blame myself. He booked an appointment and told me I was his rock, all he needed, and his stability.

A few days later after supporting him and weathering that storm, he hung up the phone on me and told me to leave him alone. My anxiety was really high and I left him alone for a day and the next day I went to his house to check on him, even though he'd asked for space. I think my own abandonment issues or maybe even just concern for his well being made me feel like I needed to check on him. I didn't feel like being shut out and ghosted again and I was confused.

When I got there, he was cold again and looked at me in disgust. He told me he didn't want to be around me or see him, he told me I was trying to control and manipulate him and he talked to me like a dog "back away, go away" and I just couldn't comprehend his responses to me. He was so sweet, but he acted like I was a threat to his safety. I feel really embarrassed that I didn't just leave and tried to reason with him, I event stupidly went as far as to try to stop him from driving away and asked for "clarity" or "closure" which angered him more and he drove away threatening to call the police if I didn't leave his property.

I guess, I feel really bad for acting that way. I never have before, I was just so confused by his extreme changes in emotions and it hurt having him talk to me like I was nothing. I just feel bad because after that he never spoke to me again and blocked me from everything and said I was toxic and the reason our relationship was and why he couldn't go to work. He told me he was fine and that I needed therapy (I was already seeing a therapist). I'm just struggling with feelings of guilt because if I didn't go check on him... .maybe things would have been fine.

I feel like maybe I put too much pressure on him about the lack of intimacy. I don't know. I wish I would have known there was BPD and also possibly BP (when I saw him at his house I found out he'd actually been rushed to a psychiatrist the next day after therapy). He told me I violated his privacy by showing up unannounced, which I get, but I'd been calling him and that weekend was our anniversary and he'd booked a trip and I was just so confused.

[Harley Quinn]

I feel really embarrassed that I didn't just leave and tried to reason with him, I event stupidly went as far as to try to stop him from driving away and asked for "clarity" or "closure" which angered him more and he drove away threatening to call the police if I didn't leave his property.

I guess, I feel really bad for acting that way. I never have before, I was just so confused by his extreme changes in emotions and it hurt having him talk to me like I was nothing.

I'm just struggling with feelings of guilt because if I didn't go check on him... .maybe things would have been fine.

It's OK to feel bad about your out of character behaviour but it's important to realise that you were in a confusing situation and didn't know what was going on.  I think most of us would ask for answers in that situation.  Checking on him indicates that you cared about how he was and doesn't sound to me like something to apologise for.  You couldn't have known what you would encounter when you arrived and were understandably taken aback.  It sounds like you are going through some self blame, which many of us encounter in the aftermath of a breakup with a BPD partner.  I feel for you and have blamed myself also, but you are not entirely to blame for how things worked out.  In reality, what you experienced would likely have happened at some point.  

It sounds like you were split black and unfortunately that is a part of the process of a BPD r/s.  You can read more about the way a BPD r/s evolves HERE, to see how the behavioural patterns play out.  Let me know if this resonates with you.

Do you think it's possible you are unconsciously looking for a reason to reach out to him?  If you were to contact him now, what would you hope might happen?

Love and light x

[Orange94]

Do you think it's possible you are unconsciously looking for a reason to reach out to him?  If you were to contact him now, what would you hope might happen?

Love and light x

I’ve read about being split black but it’s so mind boggling to me that this can actually happen. I’ve seen only a few occasions, while he was angry where he acted like he had no idea who I was and couldn’t recal anything nice about me or understand the context that we’d been dating. It was scary and confusing.

I think you are right, I think I’m trying to see if I should apologize to rationalize this otherwise unrational situation. If I apologize and admit fault, then maybe he would accept it and then there could be proper closure. Or if I had a chance to explain why I came to check on him, maybe he wouldn’t think so terribly of me. In reality I know if I did reach out to him he would not respond or do something drastic and maybe call me a stalker or something. I just hate that I’ve been completely shut out. Literally two days before he told me I was all he wanted and needed.

I feel like I’d been holding it together so long while his moods and behaviors became different and he full on became emotionally unstable (mostly overly sensitive and some anger) and I wanted answers. I want to forgive myself because you’re right this most likely would have happened anyway.

[pearlsw]

Hi Orange94,

One of the most difficult parts of these kinds of relationships is that you are unlikely to get answers or any kind of closure. For those two things you are likely better off coming here and talking with all of us.

I had a boyfriend with BPD traits who ended things very suddenly. One week he wanted to marry me, and promised (out of nowhere) to never break up with me and the next he decided to never talk to me again. He did, briefly a few times, but it was never the same again. He was very cold and strange and... .because of that lack of closure it took much more time to get over the loss than I think it would have otherwise - if we could have talked. He didn't have it in him to provide any of that kind of thing. I didn't know about BPD/BPD traits back then so I had no idea... .I just had to deal with a big dose of shock, hurt and confusion. It seemed so illogical.

So, I get wanting to apologize and talk, but in this case it sounds like it is too much for him. Perhaps you'd want to write out here what you wish you could say?

with compassion, pearl.

[Orange94]

So, I get wanting to apologize and talk, but in this case it sounds like it is too much for him. Perhaps you'd want to write out here what you wish you could say?

with compassion, pearl.

I’m just struggling a lot. He really messed with my head from the get go, I went from being so confident to feeling like I couldn’t make decisions without him. I ended up being totally isolated, then he got mad that I was becoming clingy and more dependent on him. I feel like I sacrificed my life for him which is my fault but just a traumatizing ordeal. He was just overwhelming me with love and affection I felt like he had to be the one and he constant told me all his eggs were in this basket. He seemed to be so emotionally in love with me and so attracted to me, it was overwhelming. I didn’t even notice how he was subtly doing it, becoming jealous, not liking certain friends, moving in quickly, bombarding me with communication, not wanting me to post cute pictures, accusing me of cheating, being aggressive with me... stories about his past and work history not adding up. I feel like maybe I never really knew him, because someone who truly loved me wouldn’t treat me this way. I feel like he needed me to be dependent on him, then when he became impotent and stressed at work and becoming emotionally unstable he needed me more than I needed him and I feel like he just lost it. At that point he told me our relationship was toxic and hung up and blocked me. I couldn’t understand, it was like cognitive dissonance that’s the only thing I can explain and I started to question my sanity like in order for him to be treating me this way, then I must deserve it. I could barely get a word in, he tried to close the garage on me and told me to “get back” like I was some kind of dog and that I was just making everything worse. He told me I was controlling and manipulative and maybe I was trying to control my own sanity by getting answers and closure but I swear I had positive intentions. I had SOO much anxiety and just reached my breaking point. It’s hard because on the outside he is so calm, gentle, and relaxed that I feel like no one would have ever known. I feel like a lot of the things he did to me were emotionally abusive, but then he told me I was abusing him so I felt guilty and became even more quiet and submissive. It was a mind game and him removing me from being able to contact him feels like the final blow, him leaving me traumatized and blaming me so I have to pick up the pieces on my own. He blamed me almost entirely for our relationship and his inability to work. I don’t know what’s true or not

[Harley Quinn]

One thing I can tell you that IS true, Orange, is that you are out of it now.  And I can also tell you that as more time passes, you will begin to breathe a sigh of relief that you are.  It does sound like things would have gotten worse from that point had you still been in the r/s now.  You may just have had a lucky escape by things going only as far as they did. 

Whether his decision or yours, the r/s was not healthy and could only go one of two ways.  Reading what you've described, I'd encourage you to consider this as the better way - for you.  As you said, you have been through a lot and just looking at the effect that his behaviour has had on you already, had it continued to affect you in that way and worse it would only take longer to heal from. 

I can totally relate, as I'm sure many here can, to feeling as though your head has been messed with.  I really felt I'd lost my mind and was in the midst of a nervous breakdown when I ended the r/s.  It takes time, but you will recover from this and we will be here with you every step of the way.  Who else do you have supporting you?  Family/friends/therapist? 

Be kind to yourself and listen to your body's needs right now, as well as your emotional needs.  Have a good cry any time you need to.  It's OK to fall apart as that's how we begin to put ourselves back together.   

Love and light x

[Orange94]

I’m slipping back into depression. My emotions have gone up and down, I’m trying to stay busy but also have alone time to process. After the breakup I was able to fly home to be with family for a few weeks. But I’ve been back for a month now in California away from my family. I have friends here, but since I was isolated I’m having to rebuild a lot of those relationships. I’m working with a therapist, but realizing that I’ll remember this every day for the rest of my life makes me feel terribly depressed. Our relationship became unhealthy and even he knows that, maybe him blocking me out was just his way to cope but it was extremely traumatizing for me.

Everyone says one day I will be happy I dodged this bullet, but something about his complete and utter rejection of me hurts me. The fact that I held it together for so long and I wanted answers gave him a reason to tell his family I was crazy just makes me feel so devestated. Everything was ripped away from me, he told me he wanted his family to be mine and I’m just a lone.

[Orange94]

I feel terribly afraid that I let him into my life. I feel awful that he believes what he does about me and I feel embarrassed and like a failure. One day I’ll be more confident and know I didn’t deserve this and didn’t cause this, but yet I feel bad about not leaving at the first or hell tenth sign that something was off and I ended up being the one left in such an awful way.

[Harley Quinn]

You're not alone in those feelings Orange.  It does get better.  I'm glad you've got a therapist to support you and reconnecting with those friends is a really positive thing you're doing.  I know it doesn't feel like it now, but every day you are a step closer to healing.  Just go easy on yourself.  The pain of grief is enough by itself.  Try to do things that soothe you when you have time alone.  Find the things that have brought you joy in the past, and do them, whether they feel good or not.  Eventually they will.  Have you spoken to a doctor about the depression?  A good number of us go through that after these breakups and it's wise to recognise it and act.  For myself, I finally relented and accepted an SSRI and honestly it's one of the best things I did for myself.  Things became easier from there.  I was able to have some perspective and more able to think straight.  Hang in there Orange.  We're here for you.  You don't have to do this alone.