Not doing so well today for some reason

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hasn’t been a good day today all because of a stupid dream .Today I feel like the permanent end is on its way and although I kinda want it, I dread that final cut off.I haven’t spoken or texted my exGF since last week Monday (technically Thursday she accidentally copied me on her internal work email ) I kinda did a joke and she just typed haha sorry and never heard from her since.I know texting her is a huge mistake so I haven’t  ,and Oddly I knew this weekend was her weekend off without the kids and for some reason I got it in my head I’d hear from her .I know it’s pretty stupid of me to think this way considering I want to heal from this and be left alone so I can get over her yet I’ll get these periodic episodes of dumb a$$ thinking .I remember her texting me two sundays ago how she loved me ,missed me and wanted to spend time with me now  (Oddly she mentioned only first week of June) but that’s not the point.The point is why I cared in the first place knowing it’s all a ploy to keep me kinda interested.All in all I just had to type this instead of doing something stupid so I did ,feels good to get this out ,I’m anxious for the days when I don’t get these feelings anymore... .Hopefully sooner than later !  Thanks

[Shawnlam]

Hasn’t been a good day today all because of a stupid dream .Today I feel like the permanent end is on its way and although I kinda want it, I dread that final cut off.I haven’t spoken or texted my exGF since last week Monday (technically Thursday she accidentally copied me on her internal work email ) I kinda did a joke and she just typed haha sorry and never heard from her since.I know texting her is a huge mistake so I haven’t  ,and Oddly I knew this weekend was her weekend off without the kids and for some reason I got it in my head I’d hear from her .I know it’s pretty stupid of me to think this way considering I want to heal from this and be left alone so I can get over her yet I’ll get these periodic episodes of dumb a$$ thinking .I remember her texting me two sundays ago how she loved me ,missed me and wanted to spend time with me now  (Oddly she mentioned only first week of June) but that’s not the point.The point is why I cared in the first place knowing it’s all a ploy to keep me kinda interested.All in all I just had to type this instead of doing something stupid so I did ,feels good to get this out ,I’m anxious for the days when I don’t get these feelings anymore... .Hopefully sooner than later !  Thanks

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Shawn,

Sorry you're having a tough one.  They will happen I'm afraid.  That feeling of finality is really unnerving - you're not alone in that.  It's smart to post here and you've shown good awareness of yourself in doing so rather than acting from the feelings.  What was the dream?  If you want to share, of course.

Love and light x

[Cromwell]

"accidently" copied you into her email.

That jumped right out at me.

Yes, unfortunatly days of feeling bad come with this terrority and are to be expected.

Its difficult to feel bad and hold those feelings when the answer to soothing them could be as simple as getting in touch with her again.

All part of what I theorise as a whirlpool cycle. To escape must have the courage to swim all the way down, not fight against the turbulence or give in to the turbulence then escape outwards where there is no power.

I threw a curveball text to her, sufficiently cryptic to be read open ended and not able to accuse me, but loaded with put down sarcasm. In other words, I gave her a taste of her own medicine what I put up with, just to show her that I can and that I chose not to before. She didnt respond until a day later where she tried to laugh it off, which she always did in the past to pretend something doesnt bother her, yet I know I must have really hit the mark, the last curveball she got was when I believed she was cheating on me - I know I definatly ruined the moment.

Some will call it mind games, which I guess it may be, I see it as a bit of aversion therapy that she can get fed up enough to stay away. So far a week now nothing at all. I feel good about it, im getting really tired of putting up with charades, having to pretend to be nice towards someone who is, and I believe the same when I read so many other stories here, a sort of mockery out of and an ego boost for luring in each time and not letting the fish swim away. (I know you like the fish analogy Shawn) .

Dont let her grind you down mentally, there will be days like this, I hope you get to a stage where you accurately see how undeserved they are that you should go through them and who has caused it - finally, if they are really worth it. When all you wanted was happiness in a r/s and did your best to obtain it from your side.

[Shawnlam]

Hi Shawn,

Sorry you're having a tough one.  They will happen I'm afraid.  That feeling of finality is really unnerving - you're not alone in that.  It's smart to post here and you've shown good awareness of yourself in doing so rather than acting from the feelings.  What was the dream?  If you want to share, of course.

Love and light x

It was an annoying dream one that you can’t control where she was smiling at me in a wedding dress and I was just staring at her and couldn’t speak .I guess in a way it was a nightmare

[Shawnlam]

"accidently" copied you into her email.

That jumped right out at me.

Yes, unfortunatly days of feeling bad come with this terrority and are to be expected.

Its difficult to feel bad and hold those feelings when the answer to soothing them could be as simple as getting in touch with her again.

All part of what I theorise as a whirlpool cycle. To escape must have the courage to swim all the way down, not fight against the turbulence or give in to the turbulence then escape outwards where there is no power.

I threw a curveball text to her, sufficiently cryptic to be read open ended and not able to accuse me, but loaded with put down sarcasm. In other words, I gave her a taste of her own medicine what I put up with, just to show her that I can and that I chose not to before. She didnt respond until a day later where she tried to laugh it off, which she always did in the past to pretend something doesnt bother her, yet I know I must have really hit the mark, the last curveball she got was when I believed she was cheating on me - I know I definatly ruined the moment.

Some will call it mind games, which I guess it may be, I see it as a bit of aversion therapy that she can get fed up enough to stay away. So far a week now nothing at all. I feel good about it, im getting really tired of putting up with charades, having to pretend to be nice towards someone who is, and I believe the same when I read so many other stories here, a sort of mockery out of and an ego boost for luring in each time and not letting the fish swim away. (I know you like the fish analogy Shawn) .

Dont let her grind you down mentally, there will be days like this, I hope you get to a stage where you accurately see how undeserved they are that you should go through them and who has caused it - finally, if they are really worth it. When all you wanted was happiness in a r/s and did your best to obtain it from your side.

Thanks for the words crom, yeah she did and has grinded me down however I’m conscious of it and am very slowly rebuilding myself .I get the occasional 2 steps forward one step back movement but all in all I see myself moving in the right direction and that is away from her .This week I’ve learnt she’s still speaking to her recent ex and also to the one before so it seems she is back into that love/conflict triangle she was in prior to me.The one where she lost her house and engagement because she cheated on one with the other .Simply boggles my mind how infinitely chaotic some people tend to live like .She then in her ever perpetual way tried keeping me interested two weeks ago accept Fido doesn’t play anymore.Complete insanity to be honest how one can live in a swarm of lies /deception and guilt ?Id rather be the soldier running from trench to trench hoping to get shot VS spending years in the trench listening to bombs go off until I die of madness.

[Cromwell]

shawn you once told me that when I got a text from her, that feeling wasnt excitement it was anxiety. You were right, it forced me to take the time to look at it that way.

I had the nightmares too, anxiety ridden at there core, not the type to wake up from and feel any sense of tranquility.

Im in a much stronger place nowadays, almost on a physical level I feel the equivalent of being purged of some sort of poison. Yet it is early days for the both of us, im resolute that I dont want her in my life, if I am honest with myself I wanted and tried to get rid of her years ago, but tuned out the inner alarm that told me she wasnt right for me.

Infactuation is a hook, but by itself, easily entangled enough. I really felt that every hook emotionally was fired in and one of those is quite a nasty one of "be scared to leave me". Wether that comes in the form of unsaid script of "i cant cope without you" (I got this one) as well as others such as being stalked, checked-in on or having your life meddled in for choosing to move forward without them.

This is early days shawn, youve deleted her number as have I, yet I cant escape the feeling of theres still going to be us playing "whack a mole" a few more times.

[Harley Quinn]

It was an annoying dream one that you can’t control where she was smiling at me in a wedding dress and I was just staring at her and couldn’t speak .I guess in a way it was a nightmare

Those unable to speak sort of dreams are horrible.  I had regular nightmares initially.  I think it's our mind's way of trying to make sense of the things that are so difficult to comprehend.  Do you think it triggered you to think more about her today?  If so, what could you do if you have another dream of a similar nature?

Love and light x

[Shawnlam]

Those unable to speak sort of dreams are horrible.  I had regular nightmares initially.  I think it's our mind's way of trying to make sense of the things that are so difficult to comprehend.  Do you think it triggered you to think more about her today?  If so, what could you do if you have another dream of a similar nature?

Love and light x

It’s a combination of the dream plus ppl telling me stuff about her present life that I politely asked them to stop doing because I didn’t need to know she saw her ex three days before leaving me.Or the fact she is back with both ex’s again ,all not required information.Plus it’s the weekend and every weekend I’d get anxious never knowing what foot to stand in anymore.All in all I believe time away from her should slowly push these feelings ,dreams,emotions away.In the months of September to December it’s going to be ruff that’s when we were at our peek in love and I just know it will kick something lose in my heart.Funny isn’t it how we can still feel so much pain and they move on like changing a pair of socks? It’s so apparent it’s almost something to envy that they have ,a shut off switch ... .

[uni_all]

I hear you and am having a lot of thoughts about my ex BPD gf today, too. You are smart to post here for support and encouragement. We will survive! Stay the NC course, it will get better!

[Harley Quinn]

In the months of September to December it’s going to be ruff that’s when we were at our peek in love and I just know it will kick something lose in my heart.Funny isn’t it how we can still feel so much pain and they move on like changing a pair of socks?

What can you do now to plan for September onward to help you through that time Shawn?  Maybe you could organise some things in advance that you can throw yourself into.  Preferably nourishing activities where you are connecting with friends and family, exploring interests and being focused on your own wellbeing. 

Also, as uncomfortable as it is, it's important that we do take time to allow ourselves to feel the feelings as they come up.  Pushing them down, or aside only allows them to be stored and do further damage to us down the line.  It's worth taking the time it takes to work through them properly and let them go. 

I suspect that sufferers of BPD have a lot of the difficulty in their lives because of their coping mechanisms of impulsive behaviour designed to avoid experiencing the overwhelming pain they otherwise suffer.  You are able to heal and move on, whereas she will continually use these maladaptive coping strategies to sidestep what she is truly going through.  In other words, her pain won't just go away.  It will always catch up with her eventually.  I know who I'd rather be.

Love and light x   

[Shawnlam]

Another day of contemplation or as I like to call it ,arguing with myself over something stupid.This past weekend I knew my ex was with her ex for the whole weekend.That part doesn’t matter in what I’m feeling but I can’t help but keep thinking hey shawn you should reach out to her like she “suggested “ first week of June.Now that would be the stupidest thing humanly possible yet my mind is contemplating this and I’m living an internal war inside.Its like this woman managed to reduce my IQ to that of an impulsive buffoon? Why am I even having these arguements with myself ? How stupid can a human being be to knownwhat I know and still have my grey matter arguing with itself ? So a fool I am today ? The answer ,yes I am

[Cromwell]

Just processing and conflicted feelings about what to do. Controlling the impulse, or trying to.

I do this every day, the problem is I come to a decision but dont follow through on it. She texted me today, it went from awkward to her making me feel really happy again. I guess the only difference is that im a bit more informed than I was before, and you will be too, not to let anything get back to the extremes that they were. If it makes you feel better to contact and you can set a strict boundary that protects yourself emotionally, than its something to consider. The theme I get alot in your posts is knowing she is with other guys. The only way out of this, which im not sure if it is envy or jealousy, they are not helpful emotions at all, you know she is fickle and that never just started before she met you.

I find it a bit strange that she has timetabled in you this way, is there any reason behind it? or is it just arbitary sort of date that is designed to keep you hooked in.

[Shawnlam]

Just processing and conflicted feelings about what to do. Controlling the impulse, or trying to.

I do this every day, the problem is I come to a decision but dont follow through on it. She texted me today, it went from awkward to her making me feel really happy again. I guess the only difference is that im a bit more informed than I was before, and you will be too, not to let anything get back to the extremes that they were. If it makes you feel better to contact and you can set a strict boundary that protects yourself emotionally, than its something to consider. The theme I get alot in your posts is knowing she is with other guys. The only way out of this, which im not sure if it is envy or jealousy, they are not helpful emotions at all, you know she is fickle and that never just started before she met you.

I find it a bit strange that she has timetabled in you this way, is there any reason behind it? or is it just arbitary sort of date that is designed to keep you hooked in.

I haven’t the slightest clue why she timetabled anything to be honest Crom maybe she knew this weekend was booked with her ex who convinced her to leave me when he saw her two days before she broke up with me.Next weekend it’s her kids weekend and the after I presume she’s free? Honestly her entire saying to me of “ I will let you see me ,I want to spend time with you now “ and the follow up I miss you love you BS was to my knowledge another spur of the moment emotional tidal wave in my opinion.The most annoying part is whY do I still care? Just why? Why is this still mattering to me in anyway to be honest? Have I lost my sanity? Have I not had enough proof just by her actions of moving on so quickly not been enough? Is this what I’ve become ? A bumbling fool of a man in love with the unlovable, wanting what can’t be had? Trying to live in the past when it all ended in folly? How idiotic can a human being be? Apparently I’m taking it to new levels , and it embarrassing and frankly a joke .

[Cromwell]

I haven’t the slightest clue why she timetabled anything to be honest Crom maybe she knew this weekend was booked with her ex who convinced her to leave me when he saw her two days before she broke up with me.Next weekend it’s her kids weekend and the after I presume she’s free? Honestly her entire saying to me of “ I will let you see me ,I want to spend time with you now “ and the follow up I miss you love you BS was to my knowledge another spur of the moment emotional tidal wave in my opinion.The most annoying part is whY do I still care? Just why? Why is this still mattering to me in anyway to be honest? Have I lost my sanity? Have I not had enough proof just by her actions of moving on so quickly not been enough? Is this what I’ve become ? A bumbling fool of a man in love with the unlovable, wanting what can’t be had? Trying to live in the past when it all ended in folly? How idiotic can a human being be? Apparently I’m taking it to new levels , and it embarrassing and frankly a joke .

you had strong feelings for her, you know how easy that is to happen in the first place and how it ends up. You know, Ive felt the same, the only thing that makes a difference is that I resigned myself to the comfort that im dealing with someone who is irrational. If I was being treated like this by someone without that condition, I would feel stupid and embarrassed. The only thing that worked is to untangle as much as possible the emotional intensity of the feelings, not to amputate them. Change the frame of reference to accept that this cant be a r/s of the sort that was initially intended, it led nowhere, despite trying. nothing to feel stupid about. As long as this goes on, so does the love-story, maybe thats why its hard to completely break away. Id say theres nothing wrong with that either as long as there is some meaningfulness to it all, and maybe your just keep holding on to see if there is any left. There is still meaning for me, its my choice to keep the contact going as much as it was to give her my number, thats a far cry from implying I want a return to the level that I left, ive chosen to change my goals but that also meant having to not care about who she is with, what she gets up to, its probation time and if I feel after an amount of time that it feels meaningless, its time to consider the choice to leave. In the meantime I also work hard to realign my emotions to this new level, thats probably the hardest part of it. Again, we are dealing with irrationality to a great extent, part of me now finds it interesting as opposed to shocking. After being through the hurt, and ensuring I keep a healthy boundary now and my own emotions safeguarded, theres not much of a role to play in thinking of what she is up to, or what the methods are in her madness, just accept what is and reclaim a more easy going laxadaisacal attitude. It depends what your intentions are and why its important to find your goal. Theres little risk involved in me having her in my phone book, and if I take a day to return a message, thats up to me as much as what she does in response. If she tells me she will see me first week in June, I just wont get my hopes to high about it, if it happens it happens, expect that it might not in advance, again, no emotional investment. Try not to make any of it hard work. At least thats what seems to be working better for me at the moment in the absence of cutting her out my life entirely. You dont owe her anything Shawnlam, the fact you are a caring compassionate person concerned for her wellbeing doesnt change this. I feel some concern about a row of homeless people I pass in the street and dont offer my help, I walk by and ignore because im not emotionally involved or invested in their situation. The worlds problems go far wider than just her, the difference is you have connected in and made obligations for yourself. The strategy to get over this is disconnection towards a different mindset. I cant see any other way.

[Shawnlam]

I do know what I want ,peace and quiet ! And her and all thoughts of her gone ,yet because I fell in Love with her this seems to not be happening as I wished or wanted .Seeing her is unwise ,texting her the same ,it just restarts the misery train

[Harley Quinn]

Stick that last sentence on your bathroom mirror 

Love and light x

[Shawnlam]

Stick that last sentence on your bathroom mirror 

Love and light x

I think that’s a great idea I’m gonna put it as my phone screen saver! And work screen saver

[Cromwell]

I do know what I want ,peace and quiet ! And her and all thoughts of her gone ,yet because I fell in Love with her this seems to not be happening as I wished or wanted .Seeing her is unwise ,texting her the same ,it just restarts the misery train

if I say something heartfelt, will it be used against me again to cause hurt.
If I say something humorous, will she take it as a cryptic slight against her, which she has done before.
If I dont respond quick enough, does it signal that I dont care enough or see her worthy enough to respond there and then.

plus lots more,  sure you get the idea. but that level of processing that im aware of now, is a must, and its not only draining its not much fun.

the most recent texts from her have been positive and happy-inducing, why is it then that I cant respond and reciprocate as I used to do, or would like to do normally. because from one of your other famous quotes, im "in bermuda in my shorts and flip flops whilst holding a testube of sarin gas".

its more like wearing a hazmat suit right now, ill be protected, but its far from enjoying the mood of a holiday.

Its hard to find acceptance that things just wont ever be what they once were, even if my apparent lack of interest is creating more of that "challenge" again, it actually isnt re-igniting a cycle, because I think all that matters is the initial capture. This keeping in touch is just more about joining a sort of graveyard to be exhumed over and over when they want to replay memories or get attention. Thats all she does nowadays, send messages to trigger nostalgic moments we had, shared music etc. some of the stuff she mentions I had forgotten, and staying in contact like you say, just triggers a memory train of forced to remember. she mentions good times, but then I have to remember on those days the small things she always did that would ultimately ruin each of them, and there was always one thing she made sure to do.

it is starting to feel a bit groundhog dayish.

[Shawnlam]

if I say something heartfelt, will it be used against me again to cause hurt.
If I say something humorous, will she take it as a cryptic slight against her, which she has done before.
If I dont respond quick enough, does it signal that I dont care enough or see her worthy enough to respond there and then.

plus lots more,  sure you get the idea. but that level of processing that im aware of now, is a must, and its not only draining its not much fun.

the most recent texts from her have been positive and happy-inducing, why is it then that I cant respond and reciprocate as I used to do, or would like to do normally. because from one of your other famous quotes, im "in bermuda in my shorts and flip flops whilst holding a testube of sarin gas".

its more like wearing a hazmat suit right now, ill be protected, but its far from enjoying the mood of a holiday.

Its hard to find acceptance that things just wont ever be what they once were, even if my apparent lack of interest is creating more of that "challenge" again, it actually isnt re-igniting a cycle, because I think all that matters is the initial capture. This keeping in touch is just more about joining a sort of graveyard to be exhumed over and over when they want to replay memories or get attention. Thats all she does nowadays, send messages to trigger nostalgic moments we had, shared music etc. some of the stuff she mentions I had forgotten, and staying in contact like you say, just triggers a memory train of forced to remember. she mentions good times, but then I have to remember on those days the small things she always did that would ultimately ruin each of them, and there was always one thing she made sure to do.

it is starting to feel a bit groundhog dayish.

The simplest way I can put this for myself is frankly it’s all about the what if’s! and the what if’s are   follows:

1: what if she changes (not likely )
2: what if I change enough to make it work(not likely)
3: what if she stops cheating can I handle the rest (probable)
4: what if  with my new found tools on the BPD issue I can convince her to seek therapy  (not likely).
5: what if I would have known what I know now at the beginning would it have changed anything  (no because I probably would never have started this with her because at the beginning I wasn’t in love with her)


All in all Cromwell weither we like this or not, this is what we are thinking either outright or emotionally.Until it’s resolved this is will be a thorn in our side

[Harley Quinn]

How's your new mantra doing on the screensavers?  Have you had any moments where you've had to look at it to remind yourself of why you're going through the discomfort?

Love and light x

[Shawnlam]

How's your new mantra doing on the screensavers?  Have you had any moments where you've had to look at it to remind yourself of why you're going through the discomfort?

Love and light x

Luckily it reminds me that staying away and letting time
Pass is a wise decision, a great idea from you and I thank you kindly for it .Everytime I feel like crap I read them

[Harley Quinn]

Good to hear it's helping.  Sometimes we need a bit of a nudge to stay on our path, and once we get going in the right direction, it gets easier not to stray into rough territory.  Keep yourself safe in this way and as time goes on you'll need that nudge less and less.  What else can you be doing to invest in your own emotional health do you think?  What feels comforting to you that you could start, or do more of?

Love and light x

[Shawnlam]

Good to hear it's helping.  Sometimes we need a bit of a nudge to stay on our path, and once we get going in the right direction, it gets easier not to stray into rough territory.  Keep yourself safe in this way and as time goes on you'll need that nudge less and less.  What else can you be doing to invest in your own emotional health do you think?  What feels comforting to you that you could start, or do more of?

Love and light x

Honestly I thought about what I can do mentally but she is still too fresh in my mind right now.Once I get through mid July I’m safe and I will have won many bets .You see she told me she wants to see more of me forst week of June which doesn’t make sense.Then she is moving in July so she will have her nice bigger place .If she doesn’t reach out in these times I’m home free and crazy would have found a new toy to play with!

[Cromwell]

If you do decide to meet up in June for any reason think about the advantage of controlling abything physical happening. I'm starting to find a lot of peace nowadays Shawn and part of it comes from breaking habits from the rs. Think of the self control aspect and how it is reprogramming what are impulsive reflexes. If I meet my ex it's 30mins to 1hr max and helping to show her and myself I don't want her anymore even how easy it would be. Already started to get interest elsewhere and only because I'm not giving off vibes of being conflicted and carrying a burden emotionally. Women do pick up on those senses. Part of this hanging on to our exes could be picking up during the rs their intense abandonment fears I'd even blocked out the very possibility of looking elsewhere as a result and I feel subconsciously this didn't just change overnight when I went NC. If you don't meet her. Probably even better. Need to close this door emotionally before other ones can open mate.

[Skip]

Hasn’t been a good day today all because of a stupid dream .Today I feel like the permanent end is on its way and although I kinda want it, I dread that final cut off.

Sorry this is weighing heavy on you. I think it goes with the territory of your situation, but it is heavy on your heart, nonetheless. These things are hard.

The simplest way I can put this for myself is frankly it’s all about the what if’s! and the what if’s are   follows:

1: what if she changes (not likely )
2: what if I change enough to make it work(not likely)
3: what if she stops cheating can I handle the rest (probable)
4: what if  with my new found tools on the BPD issue I can convince her to seek therapy  (not likely).
5: what if I would have known what I know now at the beginning would it have changed anything  (no because I probably would never have started this with her because at the beginning I wasn’t in love with her)

Shawn, it may be best to grieve and detach from this relationship and then try to make that critical decision of whether this is going to be a learning/growing experience for you, or if you're going to "write it off" as "I did my best but she is messed up".

I suspect that she is on the other side of the river weighing things like you are. Are you the "Shawn of the 6 week honeymoon" or the "Mr. Bully. Mr Brute" that she got angry with afterward.  She is probably as conflicted as you.

You both have lowered the tension level (good), but you both are far more invested in taking protective actions to not be vulnerable, than taking rehabilitating actions to restore the relationship.

Deep down, this is what is in your hearts and you are both reading each other load and clear.  

[Skip]

If I meet my ex it's 30mins to 1hr max and helping to show her and myself I don't want her anymore even how easy it would be. Already started to get interest elsewhere and only because I'm not giving off vibes of being conflicted and carrying a burden emotionally. Women do pick up on those senses.

Hey Crom, just a thought here, imagine your next girlfriend finds out that in your last relationship you slept with her gf friends, ghosted, reconnected with her mostly to do things that break her down emotionally... .how will you explain it? How will it impact that relationship if word gets out?

You seem to be trying to normalize what you are doing under the guise of healing and recovery, but it is clearly physiological abuse. I think you landed some incredible wounds when you slept with her gf friends, and ghosted... .isn't it time to let go now.

In the long run, this stuff is not helping you.
 

[Shawnlam]

Sorry this is weighing heavy on you. I think it goes with the territory of your situation, but it is heavy on your heart, nonetheless. These things are hard.

Shawn, it may be best to grieve and detach from this relationship and then try to make that critical decision of whether this is going to be a learning/growing experience for you, or if you're going to "write it off" as "I did my best, she is a hopeless freak".

I suspect that she on the other side of the river weighing the "Shawn of the 6 week honeymoon" against the "Mr. Bully. Mr Brute" and is as conflicted as you.

You both have lowered the tension level, but you both are more invested in taking protective actions, than rehabilitating actions.

Deep down, this is what is in your hearts and you are both reading each other load and clear.  

I couldn’t tell you skip what she’s thinking god knows , I miss her sometimes but then I think of her cheating then not so much . Two sundays ago she said she missed me loved me wanted to spend time with me now , no clue why she said that I guess she felt lonely after we met up.Its been two weeks yesterday no contact ,two weeks if you have BPD is an eternity so my guess I’m in the clear regardless of her 1st week of June timeline.Shes been playing with her two ex’s now anyways so it further helps me heal and to let her go if that makes sense

[Skip]

but then I think of her cheating then not so much

Is she cheating on you now?

Shes been playing with her two ex’s now anyways so it further helps me heal and to let her go if that makes sense

What has happened here?

[Shawnlam]

Is she cheating on you now?

What has happened here?

Now no we aren’t together she’s free to do as she pleases of course but she did cheat on me three days before she broke up with me .I guess in a way if she was already planning to breakup I guess in her mind it wasn’t cheating.She is very easy to manipulate so her ex that lives 6-7 hours away came down and that’s when she left me and started up with him I guess.No big deal anymore .

As for what’s happening now yes she went back to her recent ex the one she lost the house with and to top it all off is also with her previous ex the guy 6-7 hours away.Long story short those three we in this weird triangulation war that caused her to lose her house and engagement.Total basket case scenario could be a Netflix series from what I know .Anyways Seeing this happen now it kinda reassures me of just how unstable she is and to go back to that she loves drama and attention of any kind good or bad.I remember she once said to me “why don’t you ever get mad or yell at me what’s it gonna take”... .I told her I’m not a yeller type of guy sorry babe.I think she misses her old life and got it back,I feel worse for the guy she bought a house with than myself ,he was already messed up and bipolar,she’s gonna end up killing this poor soul of a man.

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As for what’s happening now yes she went back to her recent ex the one she lost the house with and to top it all off is also with her previous ex the guy 6-7 hours away.

What did you actually hear/learn?