At what point is enough enough?

[pearlsw]

Just tossing out a general question... .(can't write more now. in a crisis)

At what point do you call this behavior abuse and just decide to call the relationship?

~pearl.

[juju2]

Hi pearl

When I can step back, not upset, look at my part.  Reacting never helpd me.  Also, I need to feel at peace.  Calling a trusted friend helps.  Posting here is great!

[braveSun]

Oh Pearl!... . 

I'm sorry to hear you are going through a rough spot. Keep us updated when you can. You know we're here.  

Your question is such a good question... I know we can get into some slippery slopes with our loved ones and it can become difficult to figure the line between unhealthy and down right abusive.

WW shared a good link on another post that did me some good to look at.

Relationship Spectrum It's something good to read as a general base.

In the end, enough   I believe is when it is for self.

I think a bit like Juju, like we have arrived at a certain level of understanding and safety (through preparation?), and we know that the pain of staying outgrows the pain of going solo.

For me with my exwBPD it got to a point where I saw my life was going by, and my efforts didn't bring me the rewards I needed. Some other people were giving me clues all along and I didn't notice for a while, but than I sort of started to hear them more. I started to set boundaries on different aspects of the relationship. She worked on my requests but failed at meeting my boundaries.

For me the question was turning to more of a personal readiness to move on. Like I sensed that I had tried everything I could, and the results were not giving me enough of what I needed.

         

[pearlsw]

Thanks all! I appreciate seeing small notes of support here, especially at the really dark times…

I think one of the hardest things for me is no matter how much time I spend here trying to learn, I am still just a non who knows how to be with a non. I don’t get all the drama of his mental health issues. I’m just not a drama person.

Last night he took the door off the room I am usually in. He is upset if try to contact friends. I don’t like to tell him because I am afraid he will make my friends targets, but this leaves me very isolated and I don’t want to lose my few friends that I have left. He said he wants to completely control me and mockingly laughed when I said he was doing abusive things to me.

He also thinks he has a right to all my thoughts. When I try to call him on this clear abuse…he just keeps trying to up the ante. It would almost be “better” for me if I cried and begged him…blah, blah, blah. But I won’t do it. I stand up for myself. He wants drama and to cause me as much pain as he possibly can. Not exactly conducive to our “plan” to try until the fall to see if we can make things work or not. Whew.

Later he went out late at night, saying he was meeting his girlfriend, presumably for sex. I doubt she is real, but…either way that’s messed up. Either he’s inventing things to try to upset me or he has a girlfriend. He sucks. He sucks for talking like that.

I’d like to get away from him this year…but I don’t know how to do it. I will not be able to get a normal, peaceful breakup. I have to get that through my thick non head. There will be a lot more drama and attempts at making me fear before this is over…and I have to accept that lack of control over his half of the breakup. He won’t be a dignified, decent, gentleman I can reason with or expect reasonable things from.

I am glad I stood up to him last night though. I was really shocked by how fast and angrily he made this move with the door, but I stood right up and went and found the door, shock and all. It’s heavy, but I picked it up and I decided I would keep trying to reinstall it until I was successful. It was painful for my hands but I got that d**n door back on its hinges.

He will periodically enter the room to toss new threats at me. He seems satisfied now that he’s got a “win” because I need to buy clothes for an upcoming work/fun trip out of the country and this was my best day to do that. He has wrecked that for me though. I am also not allowed to drive our vehicle anywhere to shop. I will just do it on my own another day when I am in the city. I’ll be damned if I let him ruin my trip or my life. I am sorry for his pain…but there is no acceptable excuse for abusing and controlling me.

[babyducks]

I had to think about it for a while but I am going to say about 60% of my relationship was abusive.

Much of it was covert abuse, subtle disdain,  contempt, control.    Some of it was overt,  flat out threatening actions.

I read somewhere that pwBPD will often go to extreme lengths to destroy relationships, mostly subconsciously, because that's how they 'think' relationships work. .   That was really true for me.    The more I worked to make the relationship better,  the more my Ex felt compelled to destroy things.  She couldn't tolerate success.

How are you feeling today?

[pearlsw]

hi ‘ducks,

thanks very, very much! i feel sad that there is slim to no chance to save this relationship and make it work. this relationship meant a lot to me when it started. it feels like a bit of junk heap at this point.

it hurts to see someone destroy the genuine love i gave him.

so, there is an ego part, not wanting to “fail”, but really, i’ve given a lot and it is totally okay for this to not work out…my mind will get to that peaceful thought and be able to hold it at some point…i’m not worried about that piece. it will fall into place. i’m not one to beat myself up.

the love part is the least of my troubles. i was/am prepared for this to be my last romance. and feel okay about it.

i don’t know how to get out of here without a lot of drama. i’d mostly, at this point, just like to avoid a big drama.

p.s. i think i left out the part about the suicide threat last night. sigh.

p.s.s. the really sad part is he says/does this stuff to get me to LOVE him. um, it’s been having the opposite effect... poor guy. such a shame that he’s wired this way.

[Harley Quinn]

He said he wants to completely control me and mockingly laughed when I said he was doing abusive things to me.

Pearl,

I'm sorry that things have escalated again.  I've highlighted part of the above quote, because I was filled with relief to see you speak these words.  Although it's a horrible situation to find yourself in, the whole of the above sentence stood out to me in your post, as it looks like you both got honest with one another and yourselves in that moment.  That's a big step.   

It sounds like you're ready to accept that things are not going to go smoothly from this point, and it's wise to plan around that being the case.  I hope that you're pleasantly surprised and that things are easier than you suspect, but it pays to work with the worst case scenario.  What happens now Pearl?

Love and light x

[babyducks]

i don’t know how to get out of here without a lot of drama. i’d mostly, at this point, just like to avoid a big drama.

 

I’d like to get away from him this year…but I don’t know how to do it.

is this really true Pearls?

or is it maybe closer to a cognitive distortion?    when I first came here I didn't know what a cognitive distortion was.   and then I assumed I didn't have them.   


now I know that "cognitive distortions are simply ways that our mind convinces us of something that isn’t really true. These inaccurate thoughts are usually used to reinforce negative thinking or emotions — telling ourselves things that sound rational and accurate, but really only serve to keep us feeling bad"   and that everyone has them.    I have them.  you have them.   we all have them.    they are sneaky little buggers.

these are some pretty common cognitive distortions:

1)  all or nothing thinking
2) over generalization
3) mental filtering 
4) jumping to conclusions
5) fortune telling, predicting the future
6) mind reading
7) Catastrophizing
8) Fallacy of Fairness
9) Heaven’s Reward Fallacy
10) Magnification

I tend to catastrophize and magnify.

I'm not saying it's easy to end any relationship.    It's not.    It's going to be difficult.   However I have read your posts for a long time.   I know you are a capable, dedicated, talented person with a huge ability to conquer challenges.

If you decided it's time,  I am sure you'll have a huge impact in how things change.

'ducks

[pearlsw]

inside my home country i would have a lot of resources to call on and ideas and supporters. i would not have worries.

overseas. being an immigrant. having to do everything in a foreign language. having not a single friend. having no transportation. needing his cooperation to a certain extent. him being extreme. all this makes this mt. everest compared to a molehill. sigh. but people do make that climb and i must try…

i’m tired of his moods running the show and dictating if this relationship is off or on. i just got the biggest wave of expletives and insults i’ve had in a great long while. my new name, he says, is “dirty wh*re.”

i feel trapped. i wanted to stick to our plan of waiting until october to make a decision, give him a chance to show he could do at least a little bit better, give it one last push of effort. i would be willing to accept a lot, but not break up threats and now this verbal abuse. and it was all flung at me like a child.

ah, and that’s what i decided, to stop haggling with myself over definitions of abuse and focus on how it makes me feel to be with him. whether it is abuse or not in the big picture of things matters about as much to me as whether this is BPD or BPD traits, or a range of things combined. who knows. what i do know are the good times are not enough to outweigh the extreme of the bad times.

he was looking at me with a face of pure “evil”. sure, a lot of what he says is b.s., and he is dysregulated, but…i am in no position to…other than by sheer willpower and strength of my personality, and balanced mind to counteract him. it’s a waste of my energy and life. it is not my dream anymore. it is something i manage with.

it’s unfortunate. i would have liked  a “forever home.” i didn’t get one.  i’ve felt adrift for a long time. my moms’ family is loving, but they were distant because of their baggage and traumas. but i have found the gems in the bunch and there are many. life is long. there is time to reinvent myself and my life. i just wish there was a simple way to get outta here that i could do entirely on my own…anyone got a big truck and could drive over, pack up my bags, and take me to the airport?

i am afraid what damage he can dream up…i am in a no-win situation. he will hate me and make my life hard, or LOVE me and not want to let me go either. this week he’s already made me feel insecure over food. he says he’ll buy it, but who knows. i need to be able to get to work this week, using our vehicle, but who knows. i need a ride to the airport to leave for my overseas trip next week, but who knows…the last two i can handle on my own by train though if need be…not the end of the world. just expensive and difficult. hahahaha. those two words pretty much sum up life here.

oh and this isn’t the first time the word “abuse” has come up. i used to help homeless women and victims of DV so early on when i noticed things were “off” with him i was asking myself right away “what is this”? the white phases were longer than the black phases but the black ones are so extreme that…it sort of renders the other times…it just feels like what he does, the way he speaks to me, he has rendered words meaningless.

it’s just sad. just sad. i think he loves me, but he just isn’t capable of anything near a stable or healthy loving relationship. well, he has his real or imaginary girlfriend now…and i wish those two crazy kids the best of luck. they’re gonna need it.  

the hard part for me will be the years long rebuilding effort. i have a chance next weekend to make a step in that direction. i will be meeting one of my relatives in another far off country and i will find a way to let my walls down and ask for some help. i tried once before and she was willing, but then there was drama at my grandfather’s funeral and that messed it up. sigh. we’ll see…

[braveSun]

Wow, Pearl, I'm sorry!...      

I'll be short for now and come back later when I have a bit more time.

First I want to ask you, are you safe?
If not, is there somewhere you can go for a while until things calm down a bit?

And if things are calmer by now, do you know of a plan to go out of the house when you need it?

Secondly, I want to commend you for your courage and your guts to put that door back on its hinges.    Good for you Pearl.

Then, I'll say yes, this behavior was abusive, and yes, you need to protect yourself. Like HQ pointed out, you two had a moment of truth right there and that too is an important pivot moment.

Not being allowed to the car is not okay, especially if you live far from the city.


Thirdly, I see that you seem to have a bit of flexibility to adjust your trip preparations as you go (ex your clothes). Don't give that trip up.
Keep up with your plans and I know you can do it.

I see extinction burst.

 

[pearlsw]

oh braveSun,

thanks for the sunshine!

i expected him to lose it before my trip next week, but what set him off was he monitors all my communications and i did not tell him right away who i was talking to.

i don't feel comfortable telling him about my friends or family. i want a private line of communication to them so i use online means instead of our landline... .he could detect that... .and the problems started. he threw a barrage of insults and accusations at me... .and here we are.

if he follows his typical pattern he'll be crying and begging me to love him again and apologizing for "being crazy" but who knows. i have believed every single break up threat, every time, for years and years... .so... .this is all real and believable until it is not. again.

the hard part is i don't want to go along with his cycles. and the dynamic he creates sort of makes that happen a bit. i resist, sure but i start believing things are nearly okay until they are really NOT okay again.

i really like this idea of focusing on how i feel about it. a tip i got recently... .and must admit i was too out of touch with myself to really grasp... .but... .i am at best content with this situation. it does not make me happy. i don't smile much. i am not miserable... .but in time... .i will die inside if i am not careful... .i've felt very numb at times and was just starting to come back to life.

i just wish i wasn't so far away and feeling like i've gotta make a major move with my hands tied behind my back... .and dealing with a person capable, so it seems, of destruction. i'm better off than i was years ago... .years ago i became quite despondent and was kinda just a zombie. but i have a strong spirit all in all, and i know i have family that would swoop in and kick butt if i needed them. i'm just too stubborn and proud to ask for help... .i want to solve it all myself... .if i can.

~pearl. still smiling! can't keep me down!

[pearlsw]

and here's a fun new wrinkle... .i note this for posterity. i want to not forget what the black times are like. i was prepping during the lull (last white phase) but knew a change was likely to come.

he said about his medication, that it was for him and not for me. that now that he is clear in his thinking he can find a way to destroy me. something like that. with a completely mad, out of his mind, look on his face.

it's like love for me is a bit of "roses are red, violets are blue, i'm here and i want to destroy you". or something. love. really warms my heart. sheesh.

note to self: don't forget. don't forget. don't forget.

[Harley Quinn]

Have you kept a journal anywhere, or are you posts here a sort of journal for you?  I know that writing stuff down as it happens and then looking back can be a shock, from personal experience, about how much we 'file away' because it's too upsetting and frankly disturbing. 

During the year long family law case with my son's father I wrote down all of his dysfunctional behaviour and when I looked at it later it made me realise what kind of a person I'd been coping and dealing with.  With pride for how I'd kept myself together.  The benefits can be twofold.   

[pearlsw]

Hey HQ,

In all honesty, given his superpowers, I don't feel safe writing here or anywhere. It's like having the NSA in your head. For years I didn't even feel safe in my head. Sometimes it didn't even feel safe to have a smile on my face... .because "what was I thinking about?"

That was on my list of reasons to leave - that he is too controlling. Mostly I could just ignore it. I knew it was going on in the background, but I gradually stopped talking to people (partially due to a major time difference with all of them) and... .I am a pretty self-contained person. But... .when he's after me, he's ruthless. And then "so, so sorry, I'll never ever do it again"... .which taps into my natural capacity to forgive and understand all humans... .but he's crossed so many lines... .I just can't overlook it all... .He will agree not to do such things, but he won't stop himself.

It is just hard at times because he begs me to love him and never leave him. Over and over and over.

thanks so much! ~ pearl.

[Harley Quinn]

I had the control, isolation and the begging too.  It's so hard.  Especially when you are in the thick of it.  I think it took me a long time afterwards to realise the horrors I'd encountered and coped with.  Still working on it now in therapy.  

I found some letters the other day and something clicked for me.  He kept begging and pleading with me to please never leave him.  I now see that meant "Please never leave me, no matter what I do."  Not a good deal for me.  All our situations are unique, and I'd never presume, but I suspect that may be in the ballpark of what your husband is saying to you.  He knows his behaviour is unacceptable, and is effectively asking you to overlook that.  

Love and light x  

[pearlsw]

Thanks HQ!  

I manage to somehow marvel at it all... .It is really is something to see!

One thing we were dealing with lately, during the lull period, was how he could not remember a lot of our past, the emotionally intense moments, was genuinely shocked to hear about things he's said and done... .but for me...

I remember. I remember. And when I have time to really sit back and think about it I am not... .I was proud to be with him when we first met. He seemed interesting and even ideal in many ways, but this side of him, that can't contain himself or reasonably resolve problems... .it's just a bit much.

I just wish I could see the exit doors... .I'd run right to them.

He'll likely calm down and be very clingy within a day or two, but... .one can never tell. It's just like hell for me. To be with a person who constantly breaks up. Just sheer hell.

But it's okay. He knew/knows that time was/is up on this... .Oh, did I mention he was just swearing up one side and down the other that "he'd never, ever, ever, ever break up with me ever again!" ? Yep.

I didn't believe it, but he said it and he meant it. Until he didn't. Words just mean nothing with him.

I'm dreaming of the day this can all be behind me... .it's gonna be a big fall for me... .my mind will go to some sad places... .but I've made it before and I hope I can make it again. It's better to be in the streets with my dignity and happiness than with him and his mood swings.

gratefully, pearl.

p.s. Yes, he knows it is unacceptable. He's a master at trying to sweep things under the rug.

[Cromwell]

I notice the same blueprint, after the hurtful episodes there came the messages of "dont leave, I need you
At the time I saw it as a way to excuse the behaviour, a sort of apologetic form of "I didnt mean to hurt you, I value you and need you, please dont leave me in despair, im ill, I couldnt help what I did".

Over time I reanalysed this to something far more sinister "please never leave, I enjoy hurting you it is a way to recycle love again" almost as if you had went to go through one season to the next. There could never be a constant theme of love, it had to be refreshed and that required a season of hatred. The hurting is an evil compulsion, probably a re-enactment of witnessed in the parental upbringing.

It is not from a perspective of seeing us a person to leave, as much as it is losing a possession. In order to abuse in the first place involves a form of devaluation or detaching from the idea that they are hurting another human being. This is why the "dirty whore" comes from, dehumanisation as a precursor to legitamise abuse. I was characterised and dehumanised at times, so I identified the pattern and perhaps one of my saving graces is that I never tolerated the attempts to, it was one of the few times I assertively corrected her and put her in her place. It doesnt pay to be meek in that situation.

The biggest problem I faced is the inability to do the same in return, although she had this side to her, I knew it was far from the complete picture. There was a very evil sadistic side that was hard to control within her, yet there was also a sensitive, kind, good natured side. The question is, you have to decide if you want to have that complete package deal, there is no option to split one part away from the other. Jekyll and hyde. Sure there is good and bad side to everyone, but to manageable controlled levels, it was the extreme shifts from one pole to another that wrecked me emotionally.

[mama-wolf]

Oh, pearl... .I’m just catching up on your situation and am sending you hugs! I’m very sorry to hear things seem to have deteriorated even further, but proud of you for standing up for yourself.

To chime in with others in previous replies—yes, what you are experiencing is abuse.  You don’t deserve it.  No one does. It is not ok.

I just wish I could see the exit doors... .I'd run right to them.

I'm dreaming of the day this can all be behind me... .it's gonna be a big fall for me... .my mind will go to some sad places... .but I've made it before and I hope I can make it again.

OK, so... .if you can’t see them, let’s make some exit doors. You can do this.

I have read different references in your posts about possibilities in general... .but what about making a specific plan? Down to the day you’re going to take action, what you will do, how you will do it, where you will stay,  who will help you, etc.  I was drowning in my own purgatory, and only once my therapist finally got through to me to start getting specific about plans did I start being able to breathe again.

So, I read you have a trip coming up and plan to ask for some support. What kind of support (in what form or forms)?  When will it be needed? 

How much are you willing to leave behind for your own safety and sanity?  I can’t imagine how hard this must be as someone living in a foreign country.  What laws could get in your way and who can help you manage those obstacles? 

The isolation imposed on you by your pwBPD (abuse) makes it hard I know.  What might you be able to do to hide or otherwise safeguard your most precious possessions (if needed) so that you can get away and come back for them when you have more resources?  Maybe with a friend or family member?

I’m with you on the fall being big and the sadness that is looming.  You won’t be going there alone... .we’re here, and I’m sure once you can get to a safe place there are others in your life who can be there for you, too.

Sounds like you have a supportive family, just as I do.  I struggle with accepting their support, but I know I need it.  Try not to deny yourself  that help... .or them the opportunity to provide it. If you’re ere in a position to offer one of them the kind of help you need, I am willing to bet you’d want to... .

mw

[Cat Familiar]

Pearl,
I'm so sorry. My thought is that you need an immediate plan. Perhaps start mailing your precious things to family in your home country. And think of what you can leave behind.

If you are leaving the country soon, what about not returning? Or not returning immediately. Perhaps find someone with whom you could store some items before your trip.

You asked how you can cut the ties. Well, from my experience, you have to fully "grok" the relationship for what it truly is. And I think you've done this. Also you have to let go of that part of the person that's kind, sensitive, loving, decent. It comes down to dealing with loss--the loss of that part of him which is wonderful.

   

Cat

[pearlsw]

Hey Cromwell, Hey mama-wolf,

So nice of you to come by and share your insights, kind words, and support! Thanks for the hugs and here's some for you too:  

I'm not sure he's enjoying hurting me, but he does have a real flair for new variations on being mean and punitive. I'll give him that. He was a real ninja when he took that door off. It was instant! Door gone, disappeared, him too. Poof. I got up in the dark and was standing in the doorway reaching my hands around looking for it. And then I realized where it had to be. I thought that was a pretty loco move and said so. I mean, for goodness sakes! Who does that kind of thing? But he did not make any moves after that. Thankfully. But I will never forget that.

As he is a hacker I don't think I want to detail all my ideas here. I've been safe so far, but my luck could change on a dime. Suffice it to say, I have pieces of a plan, not a whole plan. I've kept this pretty close to the vest. It's basically all in my head - the timing, the where, the how.

The hardest parts are within the foreign country where I am now, but there are police in any worse case, although it is not easy speaking to them in a foreign language. It's stressful and he has an advantage because he's from this part of the world. A ride to the airport with all my things would likely range about $300 although I am only 20 minutes away. But I can't let being frugal be a barrier to my sanity and safety.  So, there's that. But I hope when/if it ultimately happens he'll cooperate. I would prefer to leave when he's Dr. Jekyll, not Mr. Hyde.

Where to go in my home country also poses issues. There would be a range of less than ideal options, but options nonetheless so I have to try to stay positive.

The part that hurts is I really, really felt committed to giving this until the fall. Maybe I am stubborn as a goat, but I really wrapped my mind around that and wanted to hold to it. But I suppose all things can be let go. He does this kind of thing often, and I knew that, and I wanted and planned to refresh my getting out of this life plan, but I was honestly just hoping he'd become a slightly easier to deal with person and then... .even then... .I could still make the decision to leave, but it would be under peaceful circumstances. I am just really, really drama averse. I don't want drama. But I am having to accept there may be no way to avoid drama. Just no way.

I wanted to give him and us a fair chance to either improve or end our relationship, but he can't go more than a week or two without becoming extreme. I don't know why... .partially age, and being overseas, and having given up so much, and caring about him... .I just was very attached to the idea of making this work. I made a big investment into this life and going back... .feels like going in reverse a bit.

But, I am quite sure there are interesting adventures awaiting me there... .and I can always retool my life and find other far off places to go if it's just a travel itch I need to scratch. We'll see. I know I will be back clawing my way up from the bottom, after this overseas interruption in my career. I may never get it back... .but at least no one will take the doors off the room or not let me have food or call me bad names.

Oh, he didn't buy any food today, do the weekly shopping, as he promised. He coldly apologized about and then went over to his brother's to eat. The stores are closed tomorrow, but I can dig in the cupboards and see what might be edible and make it to Monday.  

Sigh. Sigh. I know he'll likely swing back in the other direction with a day or two, but you literally never know. Is this the final breakup? They were all real. I was never sure whether we were together really. When he says it's off, it's off, when he says it's on, it's on. In his mind. It's all been so, so strange.

Oh yes, when/if this happens I think this will be the best breakup ever! hahahaah. Really, having the support here,  is gonna make it so much easier and much less painful than all my past ones I predict.

Thanks all!

from all my heart  , pearl.

[pearlsw]

Pearl,
I'm so sorry. My thought is that you need an immediate plan.

Also you have to let go of that part of the person that's kind, sensitive, loving, decent. It comes down to dealing with loss--the loss of that part of him which is wonderful.

   

Cat

Hi Cat,

Thanks so much! I really appreciate it!    

These are great ideas, but it is very expensive here. I can't afford the shipping. I have no way to even get my stuff to a post office. No friends, no vehicle, taxis too costly. Hopefully the courts will have him cover it. If I can get to court they will look out for me I believe, from what I've heard from lawyers in the past. I will have to hope for the courts to help me.

You make a great point - the grieving for the good parts of the person. I've already started I think, and I will continue to do so. In a way it is not as painful as other breakups since I've had to be mentally prepared for this for a long, long time.

Again, for all I know he will calm down. And that's fine. That buys more time, not a lifetime commitment, but some time. I was only in a lull phase with him, and I knew it. I had good plans for leaving earlier in the year, but those got blown up a bit. It has just been so hard to plan when he keeps things in a constant crisis. When things finally calmed down a bit I just wanted to coast a little... .and have some peace and even tiny bits of hope. Hope I at least had a choice to be with him or not. Unfortunately, he's hell-bent on destroying our lives.

warmly, pearl.

[braveSun]

Wow!... I click on the Reply button and I am speechless. Don't know what to suggest.

Just keep going, Pearl.

Keep going with the river. You'll get to a safe place.

We can't always see all we need to know ahead of time. We can get out of danger, and find new places and new friends. That's life too.

Life is always more kind and generous than only one person.
Keep posting, yes.

Blessings to you.

 

Brave

[pearlsw]

hi Brave,

thanks again, i work up a bit early and just noticed he never made it back to where we live last night. i'm not really buying the new girlfriend story, and in all likelihood he is at his brother's place, but i do not like being with such a drama person. i wonder how long this phase will go on. i wonder if there will be food this week. i wonder if he will try to damage my ability to work this week... .

i tried to listen and validate when this first flared up, but he tends to interrupt (which escalates and creates an argument instead of a chance to resolve things), and when he doesn't get what he wants then he just keeps escalating and escalating until he's made a big drama.

as hard as it is, all the understanding, patience, letting things go, nothing quite makes this life work. it is just an all or nothing situation in every way. oh how did i get into this mess? why did i put so much faith in him? his family all seemed to vouch for him... .

well, wherever he is, just hope he is safe. this is a game - to try to make me worry and doubt and LOVE him. if only he knew... .he could have had me/kept me so easily... .but he can't do "easy".

and i never seem to let go of logic which is my "downfall" in his mental world... .

~pearl.

[pearlsw]

today so far:

more talk of killing himself.

more discussion of what is either his imaginary girlfriend or someone he’s been seeing for awhile - while at the same time saying he wanted to work things out. i’m guessing it’s fake but he seems pretty committed to his story. today. i’ve heard such stories before. followed by “don’t listen to me when I”m crazy”, followed by hands holding his head.

i am so glad that i am taking a trip this week and can be in another time zone/world. i can’t imagine how things will be when i return.

oh, and he’s breaking his promises not to interfere with my ability to get to work. fine i can take the train, it is extremely expensive and time consuming but i will figure it out. in a foreign language. while under stress. and alone, but for all of you.

says he needs to use our (now it is his) vehicle, and i can’t, because he wants to sleep at girlfriend’s house. he does not need the vehicle because he can walk to work in 20 minutes.

i can get to the airport too. then off i go to be taken care of for a short bit and get to taste freedom again.

he makes me so sad.

he’s nearly broken me today. pushed me very far. but i am going to focus on the pile of work i have and know that i will get some relief soon. this never lasts very long. i was hoping it would end today…sigh.

[Cromwell]

Hi Pearl

I know how difficult it can be to try and make practical decisions when emotionally you are simultaneously "under seige". I wonder if in some way it might be possible to fixate for now on trying to exit this and perhaps compartmentalise the emotional side and deal with that when you are in a safer place?

Im not sure so much of your story besides what ive read here but it sounds to me as if he has you very much under control and you are reliant on him. It sounds more like a hostage taking scenario and you are having to appease him and his behaviour just to receive the support you need to survive; food, shelter, basic human needs and him witholding the car and sabotaging your chance to go to work doesnt sound like the actions of a "crazy" person, but of a controlling one masking it.

I see stuff like taking the door of its hinges as stage play, yes he is unhinged, but more in a method-to his madness. I am really worried about you, at least, this is my perspective objectively looking in. Is there an embassy or something you could at least be signposted towards some support. Id be taking these practical steps as an emergency situation, dealing with the emotional side after wards. Real Crazy people dont admit or think they are crazy, it sounds like he is doing these things to cause a reaction in you to behave the way he wants you to.

[babyducks]

i can’t imagine how things will be when i return.

how long will you be away?    when do you have to return?   Why do you have to return?  can you return with some one long enough to remove your possessions and leave again?  can you fabricate a story of when I was in XYZ,   ABC happened so I will need to stay an extra week?

oh, and he’s breaking his promises not to interfere with my ability to get to work.

blocking some one from leaving,  trying to control some one movements, is a form of abuse.   I know it's in the list here of abusive actions.    it's a way an abuser gains power and control.    interfering with your ability to work is economic abuse.

he makes me so sad.

of course he does.   it's a sad situation.    I liked what Harley Quinn said.

I had the control, isolation and the begging too.  It's so hard.  Especially when you are in the thick of it.  I think it took me a long time afterwards to realize the horrors I'd encountered and coped with.  Still working on it now in therapy.  

it is very hard to see when you are in the middle of it.    and only after did I come to understand the damage I incurred for myself.

'ducks

[Harley Quinn]

says he needs to use our (now it is his) vehicle, and i can’t, because he wants to sleep at girlfriend’s house.

Pearl,

Who owns the car? 

Honestly, in your shoes, I would offer to drop him off at girlfriend's house or tell him she can come collect him.  That's OK for me to say though, as I'm not in your situation.  I get it.  Stay strong friend. 

Love and light x

[pearlsw]

Hey everyone, 

Update: He managed to calm himself down and is back to his other self again.

Backstory: I had a Skype meeting that took 3.5 hours or so and during it he was suddenly “needing” me. The whole relationship had been cancelled last I heard. Fine.

I tried to focus on work and go on with my day. His drama makes it hard to concentrate, but I have managed to never miss work somehow. I have a lot do this week to prepare for an international trip. He interrupted me twice while I was working, and when I got to stop for a quick break he told me to hurry up and finish. I could tell his mood had changed. Sigh.

This is always the part when he wants me. NOW! HURRY! His emotions are always URGENT!

argh.

Long story short. He now says the new girlfriend is not real. He slept on the side of the road in his vehicle last night to “make me jealous”. I had no idea where he was. He knows I’m not jealous. Sigh. Hope he had a blanket with him. He craves drama. In one of his cultures there is a saying about how “the hit of a lover is like a raisin.” Basically, being jealous is how you show love. Or whatever. Not my thing. He knows this. Poor soul.

Sigh.

There will be food this week. And I assume I will get to use the vehicle to get to work. He claims he just wants me to LOVE him. He is sorry he is “crazy”. The usual stuff.

At some point…while cooking the last scrapes out of the fridge I burst into tears and sat on the stool in the kitchen by the stove. I'm not a big crier. But days of this... .gets to be too much. He came and tried to comfort me... .but really wanted me to comfort him ultimately. His emotions, front and center, as usual... .

I’ll get to the very kind replies here asap. Just wanted folks to know I made it through another day.

wishing ya’ll peace, pearl.

[ShrimpAndGrits]

Oh Pearl, I've just been reading all this and my heart's breaking for you. What a no-win situation this seems to be. When you're compassionate and tough, like you are, sometimes these situations find you, and navigating them can be the hardest thing in the world. I hate what you're having to endure.

I don't have any advice for you but I'm praying that things get better. That you find your way back to freedom.   

[pearlsw]

Sorry haven't gotten to all replies yet!

wrote this:

“You must hate me.”

Well, that is where things stand today. He spent the day at work feeling so bad he could barely concentrate. He asked me if i hate him. I said no. I am not hateful, but the way he talked to me is unacceptable and he is destroying our chance to continue together.

He let me know he could not handle hearing how I feel about things, wants to wait until tomorrow. I said that was fine because I don’t want to emotionally overwhelm him. He’s just home from work. He can relax, unwind, I can get my dinner ready. Fine. He already ate.

But what was I about to say? I don’t know how to be with him. I just don’t. Nothing is ever resolved. That is not a way to talk over hurt feelings or disagreements. The door thing was way too far. (pulling it off its hinges) Him running off and sleeping on the side of the road two nights in a row is too much. His claims of having started a a relationship with someone else. He behaves like a child.

I can’t remember ever having a partner who made me cry. I rarely burst into tears, but I did. No one ever made feel so hopeless at times. He is just too intense for me, in the wrong ways. Sigh. But I don’t hate him. There have been times I’ve not been…can’t look at him through the eyes of love, but I don’t hate him or anyone.

I don’t have time for his stuff though. I have to work and a life to live.

And I do not exist for him. He acts that way a bit at times. Unlike what a lot of people here experience he is very, very sorry. He is so sorry he can’t handle the shame and embarrassment and emotional levels of how bad he feels. The “sorrys” won’t be enough in the long run though. What a shame. What a shame watching love die…and for what?