Blowout with ex over a vehicle: what should I do?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi Again Guys. Just had a huge blowout with my ex. I called to ask her over to discuss what she's going to do about her vehicle( in both names, I  make all the payments). She's out of work. As in my first post, we have been together 5 years most of which we have lived together.  She split me back at Easter and left to live in her parents home(already had my replacement person in place). She said she wasn't coming over that we could discuss whatever needed discussion over the phone.  I reluctantly agreed.  So I began with the vehicle question. She immediately went on the defensive.  I explained to her that I would no longer make the payments. I told her I wasn't trying to harm her but she made the choice to leave and it's no longer my responsibility to provide her transportation.  Of course she tells me I'm controlling etc. I  kept my calm throughout the conversation,  using SET as best I could. Told her that we all have to own our actions. I also told her that if she wants me out of her life,  I would grant her wish and never contact her again.  She said she loves me and she just can't be with me right now but be her friend. I said we're too far beyond that and I won't be party to her self destruction.  Voiced all my concerns and explained to her I'm not abandoning her just giving her wish. She said I'll call you back, I love you. Hung up the phone. What should I do now?

[SteadyRock]

Hi Again Guys. Just had a huge blowout with my ex. I called to ask her over to discuss what she's going to do about her vehicle( in both names, I  make all the payments). She's out of work. As in my first post, we have been together 5 years most of which we have lived together.  She split me back at Easter and left to live in her parents home(already had my replacement person in place). She said she wasn't coming over that we could discuss whatever needed discussion over the phone.  I reluctantly agreed.  So I began with the vehicle question. She immediately went on the defensive.  I explained to her that I would no longer make the payments. I told her I wasn't trying to harm her but she made the choice to leave and it's no longer my responsibility to provide her transportation.  Of course she tells me I'm controlling etc. I  kept my calm throughout the conversation,  using SET as best I could. Told her that we all have to own our actions. I also told her that if she wants me out of her life,  I would grant her wish and never contact her again.  She said she loves me and she just can't be with me right now but be her friend. I said we're too far beyond that and I won't be party to her self destruction.  Voiced all my concerns and explained to her I'm not abandoning her just giving her wish. She said I'll call you back, I love you. Hung up the phone. What should I do now?

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[lostandconfused6]

so sorry you are going through this.

As far as the vehicle goes is there anyway for you to go to the lender and refinance the car so it is just in her name? how is her credit? i'm not sure if you are in the states or not but if her credit score is high enough they will not ask for proof of income. another route is to also have her parents take it in their name.

[WileyCoyote]

Sorry to hear you are going through that stress.  You are on the bettering board, you might consider the conflicted or breaking up board to get some better thoughts about where your head is at as well as untangling finances.

But that being said, If you go through with what it takes to separate from the loan (see below),  I imagine that will be a betrayal (as far as the exBPD is concerned) that will be difficult to come back from as far as reversing the breakup, if that is your ultimate goal.  In my opinion this should only be something you are doing if you are really ending this thing(relationship) for good.  How do you feel about that?

My approach might be, "hey I won't leave you in a lurch here,  I can make (insert number) more payments and during that time I need your cooperation to resolve this and transfer ownership of loan to you.  If we can't get that done by then, in order to protect my own finances I will need to (insert something from list below)"

If you are on the title as the owner or the primary on the loan, you have more options.  Could even sell it without her depending on state if you are primary owner. Depends on state/country

You might be able to get a cosigner release. Some loans have a program that will release a cosigner’s obligation after a certain number of consecutive on-time payments have been made. Two years of on-time payments seem to be the norm. Read through your loan documents to see if there’s any type of program associated with your loan. Or, call the lender and ask if something like this applies to your loan.

As far as the car you are left with this:
-Refinance the loan
-Sell the car (have to pay remaining balance)
-Trade in the car or sell to dealer/carmax (have to pay remaining balance or roll into new car) You could also double trade, your car and her car into one new car.  Might make it more financially viable, might make it worse.
-Keep the car, make the payments, and pay it off
-Let the bank repossess the car (have to pay remaining balance)
-File bankruptcy


https://www.accurateautoadvice.com/credit-and-financing/are-you-co-signed-with-an-ex-boyfriend-or-girlfriend/


Good luck

[WileyCoyote]

After responding I went back and looked at your other post about this.  Saw you had already contacted the finance company.  So you probably weren't lookin g for that kind of advice.     Also saw that you told her you would be there for her while she figured some things out.   I would still say that the car thing will likely be something you can't come back from relationship wise.

So I read your post again and think... .hmmmm when you ask "what should I do now?"  That wasn't about the car.

So... .What is your first instinct?  What do you want to do?  We can try and talk to you about our own experiences if you share what you are already thinking about doing.

So some questions.
Do you want to repair the relationship or just "be there" for her as she tries to right her ship?
Setting her free to move on with her new relationship once she is doing "better"?
What is being there for her mean to you?
What will you get out of "being there" for her?


In my case I made bad decisions because I always said, "but I love her, I don't want her to hurt."   But for me, in reality, once I was honest with myself I realized that I was confusing needing her to  not be hateful toward me (even if she was threatening to leave me) with loving her.
I needed her to confirm my self view of being kind.   I had to work hard to not need that anymore.  My worth and "goodness" are not linked to her emotions.  She hurts, still love her, but the hurt is hers.  I spend MUCH more time being kind and understanding toward myself now.   My love for her is a compassionate one.  One that doesn't want her to hurt, wishes I could do something, knows I can't. And the fact that I can't DOES NOT MAKE ME A BAD PERSON.     

Could you default on the loan... . Have her think you are a bad person... . Still love her... .yet still walk away from the relationship?  Not telling you to do anything.  Asking you to think about that.