If she's not mentally well, it doesnt justify ending the marriage? I'm lost.

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've been in a relationship for 7 years, eventually getting married 6 months ago.  My Wife suffered severe sexual abuse and neglect from an early age.  I was shocked as she divulged pieces of information about her past to me.  The relationship started fantastically well.  She stuck to me like glue and I thought that through love I could help her to overcome the past trauma.  She was extremely paranoid when I met her, naturally I assumed based upon the severity of her childhood and adolescent years.  I comforted her and I hoped taught her how to trust people again.  I let her know that she had to trust in order to have a relationship.  There were warning signs initially, but I didn't see them at the time.  I remember buying something from a shop and afterwards she flew into an aggressive rage saying that I was flirting with the girl at the counter.  I managed to calm her down after a time and assure her that no such thing was happening, that I was merely being polite.  I thought at the time, it was trust issues and when I showed her love she would heal.  After this, and I always averted my eyes around other females.  I was terrified to upset her again.  To see her change from idealising me, following me everywhere, sending me constant text messages to flipping because I was polite to a retail assistant really jarred my senses.  This was the first experience of this type of behaviour.  Further to this she isolated me from my family, when I was particularly depressed concerning a recent bereavement and coping with these new relationship problems I was vulnerable.  I allowed her to move in with me, since she was facing eviction from her last property for not paying rent.  My teenage Son was living with me and she put it in my head that he was being aggressive to her, rushing her when she walked in a room and stealing from me.  He was making her feel uncomfortable.  Within a few weeks of her moving in he had left.  It was terrible.  A painful experience in which he didn't speak to me for years after.  I'm still trying to repair the damage 7 years later.  And he has suffered also.  For years he thought he lost his father.  She had convinced me that he was not my Son, that his mother was cheating on me.  I stupidly spoke to him about it and it ruined him.  She told me that my mother and sister were against her and I broke contact with them also.  It seems stupid now but at the time I guess I was infatuated with playing the hero role, trying to save the broken girl.  I lost my job at work, she objected to me going for promotion as I would not be able to spend enough time with her.  I ended up being made redundant from my temporary position.  She took up all of my time.  I knew she was different but she told me she was autistic.  She moved in with her Son, who is also high functioning autistic so I believed it could be possible.  She is incredibly creative and intelligent so I assumed she was some kind of savant or prodigy.  I elevated her, and she elevated me.  Shes suffered with bouts of depression ever since and I've done everything in my power to make her happy, taken her on holiday and tried everything I can to lift her back up.  When I reflect I've been searching for that initial intensity again.  I skip the story forward 7 years... .she wants to get married, she arranged everything.  We got married.  She spent our wedding money on an outfit without consulting me.  This is the case these days, she just acts on impulse without concerning herself with my feelings.  She has three children, which I took on also.  I've dealt with quite a lot - but recently and this is where I'm completely lost and reaching the point of mental breakdown and being hospitalised through stress and what I can't understand is her recent behaviour.  She keeps breaking up with me.  Because she's Gay.  She says that she only married me because she thought she had cancer and wanted me to father her children.    I keep coming back, determined to resolve out marriage because I know that she was positively hetro when I met her.  I assumed that shes pushing me away for a reason.  I'm the only support she has.  Her mother recently passed away and I thought maybe this was the cause, of wanting a female bond.  She still initiates sex with me.  Its still on and off all the time.  I'm trapped and shes spent all my savings so I can't afford to live elsewhere.  Is she testing my love?  Is she punishing me?  She can't seem to remember any of the good times we've had - sometimes she says I'm this bad tempered hot head who flies into a rage over the tiniest thing, that I'm controlling her, I'm gaslighting.  Everyday is different.  The smallest slight and I'm a villain.  I've tried to get her therapy.  I paid for a consultation but she wont go back.  I've been doing research and I'm convinced that its BPD or something very similar.  I just know now that no matter what I do I can't win.  Shes still adamant shes Gay and has only recently divulged this to me but has told her friends about it 6 months back.  I don't know if shes just suggestible to her new group of friends.  Shes made me feel ashamed when we have sex and I feel dirty now and my confidence is at rock bottom.  I don't know if I have anything left to give and I don't know if my heart will fix and find the love for her again.  Yet I know that I've only been married six months, and I made an oath, sickness and health.  If shes not mentally well then surely it doesnt justify ending the marriage?  I'm lost.

[InfinitePeace]

I've been in a relationship for 7 years, eventually getting married 6 months ago.  My Wife suffered severe sexual abuse and neglect from an early age.  I was shocked as she divulged pieces of information about her past to me.  The relationship started fantastically well.  She stuck to me like glue and I thought that through love I could help her to overcome the past trauma.  She was extremely paranoid when I met her, naturally I assumed based upon the severity of her childhood and adolescent years.  I comforted her and I hoped taught her how to trust people again.  I let her know that she had to trust in order to have a relationship.  There were warning signs initially, but I didn't see them at the time.  I remember buying something from a shop and afterwards she flew into an aggressive rage saying that I was flirting with the girl at the counter.  I managed to calm her down after a time and assure her that no such thing was happening, that I was merely being polite.  I thought at the time, it was trust issues and when I showed her love she would heal.  After this, and I always averted my eyes around other females.  I was terrified to upset her again.  To see her change from idealising me, following me everywhere, sending me constant text messages to flipping because I was polite to a retail assistant really jarred my senses.  This was the first experience of this type of behaviour.  Further to this she isolated me from my family, when I was particularly depressed concerning a recent bereavement and coping with these new relationship problems I was vulnerable.  I allowed her to move in with me, since she was facing eviction from her last property for not paying rent.  My teenage Son was living with me and she put it in my head that he was being aggressive to her, rushing her when she walked in a room and stealing from me.  He was making her feel uncomfortable.  Within a few weeks of her moving in he had left.  It was terrible.  A painful experience in which he didn't speak to me for years after.  I'm still trying to repair the damage 7 years later.  And he has suffered also.  For years he thought he lost his father.  She had convinced me that he was not my Son, that his mother was cheating on me.  I stupidly spoke to him about it and it ruined him.  She told me that my mother and sister were against her and I broke contact with them also.  It seems stupid now but at the time I guess I was infatuated with playing the hero role, trying to save the broken girl.  I lost my job at work, she objected to me going for promotion as I would not be able to spend enough time with her.  I ended up being made redundant from my temporary position.  She took up all of my time.  I knew she was different but she told me she was autistic.  She moved in with her Son, who is also high functioning autistic so I believed it could be possible.  She is incredibly creative and intelligent so I assumed she was some kind of savant or prodigy.  I elevated her, and she elevated me.  Shes suffered with bouts of depression ever since and I've done everything in my power to make her happy, taken her on holiday and tried everything I can to lift her back up.  When I reflect I've been searching for that initial intensity again.  I skip the story forward 7 years... .she wants to get married, she arranged everything.  We got married.  She spent our wedding money on an outfit without consulting me.  This is the case these days, she just acts on impulse without concerning herself with my feelings.  She has three children, which I took on also.  I've dealt with quite a lot - but recently and this is where I'm completely lost and reaching the point of mental breakdown and being hospitalised through stress and what I can't understand is her recent behaviour.  She keeps breaking up with me.  Because she's Gay.  She says that she only married me because she thought she had cancer and wanted me to father her children.    I keep coming back, determined to resolve out marriage because I know that she was positively hetro when I met her.  I assumed that shes pushing me away for a reason.  I'm the only support she has.  Her mother recently passed away and I thought maybe this was the cause, of wanting a female bond.  She still initiates sex with me.  Its still on and off all the time.  I'm trapped and shes spent all my savings so I can't afford to live elsewhere.  Is she testing my love?  Is she punishing me?  She can't seem to remember any of the good times we've had - sometimes she says I'm this bad tempered hot head who flies into a rage over the tiniest thing, that I'm controlling her, I'm gaslighting.  Everyday is different.  The smallest slight and I'm a villain.  I've tried to get her therapy.  I paid for a consultation but she wont go back.  I've been doing research and I'm convinced that its BPD or something very similar.  I just know now that no matter what I do I can't win.  Shes still adamant shes Gay and has only recently divulged this to me but has told her friends about it 6 months back.  I don't know if shes just suggestible to her new group of friends.  Shes made me feel ashamed when we have sex and I feel dirty now and my confidence is at rock bottom.  I don't know if I have anything left to give and I don't know if my heart will fix and find the love for her again.  Yet I know that I've only been married six months, and I made an oath, sickness and health.  If shes not mentally well then surely it doesnt justify ending the marriage?  I'm lost.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi InfinitePeace,



A lot of us share the dilemma of wanting to stay “in sickness and in health”, and this may keep many of us needlessly trapped. I know it has extended my time in what is easily the most difficult and confusing relationship I have ever been in.

You do not have to stay and we won’t push you to leave.

As someone here suggested to me recently it’s about how you feel. In my case I have been internally debating whether I am with an abusive person, or a person who sometimes does abusive things. I am personally done with splitting hairs over it and just interested in how it makes me feel, and it makes me unhappy a lot of the time and feel bad about life…when I think life actually has a lot to offer. It would take little for me to stay, but he can’t seem to provide that so I have to be prepared to move on. I hope it happens peacefully when/if it happens.

That is interesting about her sexuality. It is possible that it has expanded in this way. Maybe having friends helped her to see this.  If she is saying this it is a reason to go, or you can find a way to comes to terms with it. Which feels right for you?

warmly, pearl.

[waverider]

Emotional manipulation and abuse is still abuse whether done out of malicious intent or simply unemphatic reactions. Either way you have your own rights to protect. Whether this is by finding the self absurdness to say no, or to leave the relationship. Either way you can't just hang on and hope the glory days will come back simply by trying to be agreeable, or by being the martyr.

BPD very much evolves around the immediate gratification of perceived needs of the now, and never mind the consequences. Whether you wife's new found sexuality is deep seated of just providing her with a new fix only time will tell. History is nearly always rewritten to justify the now. Just like she can write you off and devaluate you, she will have done with her family before you, and almost anyone else in her past.

You have to judge things as YOU see them, and how YOU feel about them, not how you are told they are. No doubt, as you mention, your view of the world, and others around, has been tainted by the distortions of BPD in many ways both small and big.

In order to move forward you have to start seeing things through your own eyes, and sense of what is right and what is wrong. Your own health and mental well being is at the top of your priorities. Do not sacrifice it to satisfy the fleeting impulses of others.

A person with BPD rarely respects the people they seem to create. They need someone with the strength to say no and who is capable of withstanding the scorn that is pored on them as a result. They want you to be everything they are not, as they hate who they are. Which is why they are always looking for a quick fix to get away from the way they are. New medication/new drug/new job/new material items/new job/ new realtionship/new sexuality. The grass is always greener etc

Your relationship is not unique, There are a lot here who have been, or still are, in your situation.

[pearlsw]

Hi InfinitePeace and waverider,

Wow. Waverider. Thank you for taking the time to drop by and post! You always give me a lot to consider. What do you think InfinitePeace? How do you feel about your situation?

That is pretty heavy what happened between you and your son. How you managed that? Does your significant other still make this a problem for you?

with gratitude, pearl.