My wife has BPD traits and we have a 2 year old

[Raleigh Guy]

My wife has BPD traits. We often get into huge fights that result in her screaming at the top of her lungs, often in front of our son. She hurls insults like “___” and “___ing loser.” I am currently recovering from one of these fights. I try and remain calm, and though I can control my volume I often keep talking when the best option would be to remain silent. She has gotten physical with me on occasion. I get to the point where I am sure I am going to leave but I am scared she will keep my son away from me. I still love her and care for her deeply, but the verbal and emotional abuse I feel like is cyclic and even if things get better it is only a matter of time before everything explodes again. I am not perfect and I have made mistakes. I apologize constantly yet getting an apology from her is like pulling teeth. I have yet to receive any apology for some of the times where she got physical with me. We have tried couples therapy once. She also states that therapy doesn’t work for her and whenever I bring it up again, she fires back that I am the one that needs it (which I probably do). She calls me and my immediate family narcissistic. She had a bad childhood, where her father left her family and often picked his new wife over his kids on multiple occasions. They sent her to a boarding school when she was a teenager that was eventually shut down for abusive/illegal treatments. She has been through so much and I want to be here to support her, but I am exhausted. I work full time and go to school as I try and get into a graduate program while she stays at home with our 2 year old son. I don’t know what to do anymore... .

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[pearlsw]

Hi Raleigh Guy,



Oh, your story certainly echoes many we hear around here! So sorry you having such and extremely tough go of things!

You mention needing to stop talking at times. Yes, it is hard not to be provoked when there's a lot of mudslinging going on! I am so calm and in control, but it pushes me to my breaking point at times. At some point I just can't hear so much unnecessary garbage!

There are some great tools here on the site, that if you take the time to read, and ask questions about, and practice with us here could make some difference - if only not to make things worse.

What do you do to take breaks from all of this? Do you get any?

with compassion, pearl.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Raleigh Guy and let me join pearslw in welcoming you.

I am without a doubt one of the echoes pearlsw mentioned, the only major difference being we have a 5 year old on top of the 2 year old. Children add a deep and complex layer to the BPD relationship that makes it even harder to untangle.

My first suggestion to you would to be to start posting on other member's threads to find others (like me) who are in a similar situation to yourself.  

And seconding pearls question about self-care, which is the most essential part of surmounting this kind of situation. I'll add onto that the question of who you have to support you (friends, family, church). Have you reached out to anyone about the situation?

~ROE

[Invested]

Hi Raleigh Guy, I am also pretty new to this forum and so still getting around. I have a lot to share and do not want to loose this thread, however, need to get to work. For now, sorry to hear this, believe me, I know what it feels like. I have two boys, a little older, when the first was two, I had no idea what was going on.  The fact that yours is 2 and you have these insights is great. Does not make it easier. I will respond more fully after work. For now, I feel your pain, you have support here. Sorry you are going through this. Be strong. KG

[MrRight]

Welcome Raleigh Guy

boy do I feel for you

I was in your position 15 years ago - 2 y/o son and unstable mother. Screaming etc plus violence.

But I had no idea about BPD and some how have survived all these years - he starts univeristy in september

yes having a child does complicate - but you are in the best place now for advice etc and you have options.

keep well and look forward to seeing you around on the board.

[LovingDad]

Hi Raleigh Guy,

 

I think I can feel your pain. I'm in a situation which looks a lot like yours. My son is 4 years old and my wife has BPD. But she thinks there is nothing wrong with her. The big difference between our situations is that I'm out of the house and living with a friend. Furthermore I have decided to start a custidy case and will probably file for divorce in the next month or two.

I now know my wife has BPD for about 10 weeks. Since I know it I read a lot about it and try to take as good care about myself as possible. That is the start. I have also figured out that less is more in taking. The more you say the more she can use to blame you for something. Furthermore she blames you, because she can't control herself so she wants to control the environment. All the blaming is not personal. I found it hard to understand that an work by it, but I try hard to do it. It seems to work I see some progress in it. The last thing I now Always try to do is to take her feelings completely serious, even when they are crazy feelings. It makes het a little bit mellow and that makes things easier.

I hope you will learn how to deal with this difficult situatie and wish you the best.

Greetings,

LovingDad

[Invested]

Hi again Raleigh Guy. So, been thinking about you on and off, and wanted to finish my post as promised. I see a couple of guys have chimed in with great advice. Awesome place here. Here is my offering, get yourself the book High Conflict Couples. It will give you some great guidance on validating. Listen to Loving Dad here, take her feelings seriously no matter how much they sound so off track, you must validate at the highest level you can, try to find some truth in what she is saying no matter how much it sounds off track. This will bring her down off the cliff and at that point you can try to offer the other side of the conversation, very very carefully. What I am sharing here is DBT. I recommend learning as much as you can about that and find yourself a really good DBT therapist and learn those skills, if you go to borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com, it gives great resources as does this forum. Learn DBT skills inside and out and use them. Last, connect, connect, connect, do not get isolated. Learn to be able to emotionally self-regulate as best you can. One person alone cannot continue without the fuel provided by another. Always remember, it is not personal, she is hurting inside, if that makes it any easier. Good luck Raleigh guy. KG

[Raleigh Guy]

Thank you all for the replies. I found myself smiling realizing I am not alone in this situation and others have gone through this as well. I don’t often get breaks from all of this. I look forward to work as it is a meaningful distraction. I cannot thank you all enough for the replies. It made my day as today was enough rough one though not to the full extent as it has gotten. I will look into the book recommendation Invested. Pearlsw, your insight breathes life into me. LovingDad, I find your strength to take steps to protect yourself inspiring. Mr. Right I am glad to know it is possible to get through all this. Roland, I’m glad I’m not alone, but feel for you as well. Much love to you folks.