Pros & Cons of being in a relationship with my ex

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

When in a relationship with a BPD, after the break up occurs we only focus on the Pros and not the cons, I thought I’d post this thread to reflect on the pros and cons in each individuals relationship as no BPD individual is the same, but as a learning technique I think at the end we will realize a pattern. We will also realize that the cons outweigh the pros. In no way, am I trying to put BPD’s down, this is merely to show how when we begin to rationalize, only then we can realize whether to accept the relationship or move on.

Pros
Gives attention like your the center of the universe
Calls/Texts you every 10-30 minutes to make sure you’re around, until they sleep
Tells you she loves you and no one has ever been this good
Makes you feel like you’re the luckiest man in the world
Considers you her hero
Tells you every detail, so you can trust them
Not very good at lying, so they get quiet
Tells you they love you everyday
Want to spend all their time with you
Makes you their first priority (As we see it)

Cons
Burn-Out
You give and give until the idealization phase is over.
Threats, Manipulation, Ultimatiums
Will do anything to make sure you won’t leave
The closer you get the more they pull away
Talk about other guys, but tell you they don’t mean anything
If you dont call back in a time frame, you’re horrible
If you don’t do as asked your the worst human being
Will tell you she will leave and you will regret it
Will break up with you multiple times
Will cry over everything to make sure you feel horrible
Will tell you she thinks about you while being with someone else
Will only call/text when they need validation
If you have a problem, you should grow up. But if they have a problem,
You should solve it because it’s your job.
Will act like a kid
If you do something wrong it will be used against you for the rest of your
life, but if they do it you need to forgive.

[Struggler123]

When in a relationship with a BPD, after the break up occurs we only focus on the Pros and not the cons, I thought I’d post this thread to reflect on the pros and cons in each individuals relationship as no BPD individual is the same, but as a learning technique I think at the end we will realize a pattern. We will also realize that the cons outweigh the pros. In no way, am I trying to put BPD’s down, this is merely to show how when we begin to rationalize, only then we can realize whether to accept the relationship or move on.

Pros
Gives attention like your the center of the universe
Calls/Texts you every 10-30 minutes to make sure you’re around, until they sleep
Tells you she loves you and no one has ever been this good
Makes you feel like you’re the luckiest man in the world
Considers you her hero
Tells you every detail, so you can trust them
Not very good at lying, so they get quiet
Tells you they love you everyday
Want to spend all their time with you
Makes you their first priority (As we see it)

Cons
Burn-Out
You give and give until the idealization phase is over.
Threats, Manipulation, Ultimatiums
Will do anything to make sure you won’t leave
The closer you get the more they pull away
Talk about other guys, but tell you they don’t mean anything
If you dont call back in a time frame, you’re horrible
If you don’t do as asked your the worst human being
Will tell you she will leave and you will regret it
Will break up with you multiple times
Will cry over everything to make sure you feel horrible
Will tell you she thinks about you while being with someone else
Will only call/text when they need validation
If you have a problem, you should grow up. But if they have a problem,
You should solve it because it’s your job.
Will act like a kid
If you do something wrong it will be used against you for the rest of your
life, but if they do it you need to forgive.

[Turkish]

I never got to the point of making such a list but my ex did regarding me.  I saw it in the journal she conspicuously left on the bathroom hutch when she moved out.  Her cons list for me was interestingly shorter than the pros, despite what she told me.  I guess I learned that whatever she thought was influenced by disordered thinking.  Was I an   or a  ?

If I were to turn it around, I'm not sure how I would have landed. All I knew of what I felt: I can't imagine going into old age with this person without leaving her or killing myself.

[Struggler123]

I never got to the point of making such a list but my ex did regarding me.  I saw it in the journal she conspicuously left on the bathroom hutch when she moved out.  Her cons list for me was interestingly shorter than the pros, despite what she told me.  I guess I learned that whatever she thought was influenced by disordered thinking.  Was I an   or a  ?

If I were to turn it around, I'm not sure how I would have landed. All I knew of what I felt: I can't imagine going into old age with this person without leaving her or killing myself.

After reading your comment, it made realize maybe this was a bad idea. I actually did feel the same thing for my ex just not as extreme as killing myself, but I knew that I would not be handle her despite the amount of reassurances I gave her. I just wasnt equipped for the job and im slowly accepting that

[gotbushels]

Her cons list for me was interestingly shorter than the pros, despite what she told me.

  Turkish--this to me is a win.

After reading your comment, it made realize maybe this was a bad idea.

Struggler123 why? I'm curious to know--I came to the thread because I thought the pros and cons was a pretty good way to postmortem. 

[juju2]

Wow, i could make thst list, only he's a guy.

One of our first get togethers, eleven yrs ago, he told me he was still in love w his ex wife... .

Guess that was  , anyway, he ended up telling me, she is remarried, has two more kids  (they had one kid)... .

I guess the most traumatic thing is all the pushes.  I didnt feel supported.  What is it in me that allowed that.

My sister used to refer to him as a gypsy.  And really, that fit. 

sincerely, j

[Struggler123]

  Turkish--this to me is a win.
Struggler123 why? I'm curious to know--I came to the thread because I thought the pros and cons was a pretty good way to postmortem. 

I just felt like it might add salt to some wounds, or even worse open up the doors to memories that were closed. But, I realized it was a temporary feeling and I actually felt more wiser writing the thread, because when i read both sides it made me realize, at the end it wasn’t worth it because I had all the reasons to not be in the relationship but very few to stay.

Wow, i could make thst list, only he's a guy.

One of our first get togethers, eleven yrs ago, he told me he was still in love w his ex wife... .

Guess that was  , anyway, he ended up telling me, she is remarried, has two more kids  (they had one kid)... .

I guess the most traumatic thing is all the pushes.  I didnt feel supported.  What is it in me that allowed that.

My sister used to refer to him as a gypsy.  And really, that fit. 

sincerely, j

Sometimes it has to do with our tolerance levels. We tend to see someone and think that “this is the best thing to happen to us, and we try so hard to make it work” without realizing these signs are indicating that maybe its not a good idea. The first step of healing is always acceptance. I know you will never allow someone to make you feel like that again and so in a way we all learned our lessons. Feel free to share your list, whom ever is comfortable

[gotbushels]

But, I realized it was a temporary feeling and I actually felt more wiser writing ... .

I think what you've shared here is really good.   

I just felt like it might add salt to some wounds, or even worse open up the doors to memories that were closed.

After having done the pros and cons, and some time later, do you still feel there is a salt being added to wounds? Did unpleasant memories have their doors opened or overwhelm you?

[Struggler123]

I think what you've shared here is really good.   
After having done the pros and cons, and some time later, do you still feel there is a salt being added to wounds? Did unpleasant memories have their doors opened or overwhelm you?

I mean the memories are always going to be there. I realized I supressed all the bad ones though, as if I didn’t want them to be true. She was a great person and thats the image I want to have of her in my head but sometimes, it just gets hard to accept the fact that the other side of her was part of the package. I think its wrong to only focus on the positives, you have to look at the negative aspects too and if even after that you can truly accept your fate then thats different and I wish those that do take the challenge the best. But, acceptance is when you realize that although the disorder is part of this person, its in our control whether we ALLOW someone to treat us like this. I had a very cool off atittude towards everything, so a lot of the times when she would be angry I would just say sorry and not speak, I realized this technique can work when two people are long distance but when your in the same place, it can be one piece of work. Its not so much overwhelming, it just sometimes makes it harder to accept things. For instance I try to think of all the good memories and it makes me feel good, but then I remember something she recently said regarding her finance and it made me snap, but thinking about that its almost as if I was surprised that she could say that. I mean imagine someone telling you they love you and still think about you and then tell you that they feel overwhelmed about how her finance wants to be sexual with her. I didn’t even want to type that but, damn.

[Headheldhigh]

I can totally relate to this topic, this past  weekend my psychologist, suggested me to do this kind of list, my pros were basically exactly the same of you Struggler123, the cons went waaaay too far... .69 points, your list would summarize the majority of them... but still some 30 different points left...

I guess I just didn't wanted to see the stress i was in... I was tired and thinking already in breaking up but I think my attachment was stronger... I dont know if should I be grateful that she left me and Im now obligate of move on, or should I continue missing the good parts... even though the cons would overweight for far too much.

[gotbushels]

... .my pros were basically exactly the same of you Struggler123 ... .

Headheldhigh   
Good on you.   

I dont know if should I be grateful that she left me ... .

This idea of being grateful for what is 'destructive' action came up for me in a conversation today. I think if it benefits us in the long run as helping us to move forward with our long term goals, then that to me seems to be a good thing. It didn't feel like it for a long time though.

... .and Im now obligate of move on, or should I continue missing the good parts... even though the cons would overweight for far too much.

Personally, I think if your head and heart 'think' something is a good idea, then sometimes certainty increases as the heart slowly comes 'level' to where the head is at. 

I hope you're enjoying your peace.

[Headheldhigh]

gotbushels 

Not really in peace yet, im working on it  though, it has been a long ride and really painful one, to realize that for my ex gf love means manipulation and control, I grow up with a type of family that also believe that 2 behaviors are the demonstration of love  , but as my psychologist make me realized everyone has her own free will  , I have been working on not became that person for more than 10 years with therapy, I can't control the decisions of my Ex or her way to see life, I can only hope for her own sake she realized she still have the choice to change, and if she wants to continue believing this is the correct way to love and I am the mistaken one for break out from my prison of confusion where everyday i question myself if i was really the problem, then I think the best thing was truly that she left me, the only maybe real love act from her behalf, even though im 100% sure she didn't do it with this intention. 

[Wicker Man]

I can't control the decisions of my Ex or her way to see life, I can only hope for her own sake she realized she still have the choice to change

@headheldhigh
I cannot tell you how much I yearn for my ex to get help -to realize she doesn't have to live in fear and pain, she doesn't have to subject everyone who loves her to trial by fire.  Her life does not have to continue as brutally as it began.  There is such beauty within her -nothing would bring me more peace than to know she was safe and happy.

I cannot be the one to tell her this and I have thought long and hard about how to get the message to someone who could.  I came to the realization no one but she can make this choice.  Perhaps our time together gave her an inkling that a relationship can be nurturing, but more likely our time together simply reinforced that 'everyone will abandon her'. 

Months ago her best friend contacted me beseeching me to return to our relationship, telling me how much my ex loved me and needed me.  I took that opportunity to bring up the possibility of her having BPD.  It was the best I could do, but I am afraid it fell on deaf ears.  I do not want to do anything to restart my ex's healing, so I will make no attempts at further contact neither direct nor indirect.

I think the best thing was truly that she left me, the only maybe real love act from her behalf, even though im 100% sure she didn't do it with this intention.

One evening she was caught in a bought of non-responsive dysphoria I had slowly talked her back out of the darkness -it took hours.  The first words she uttered in a soft voice was 'You must leave me, I will destroy you'.  I believe this was perhaps the most honest and loving thing she has ever told another human being. 

She loved me and needed me so much at that point, but was willing to tell me what our future looked like from her point of view.  Sadly, I believe she was right, she would have destroyed me if I had allowed it.

Back to the original thread:  I too made a list of her destructive behaviors.  I did not need a list of her positive attributes, as I found myself missing the positive so much it was over shadowing the reasons I left her.  Journalling has helped me quite a lot.


Wicker Man

[Headheldhigh]

I cannot tell you how much I yearn for my ex to get help -to realize she doesn't have to live in fear and pain, she doesn't have to subject everyone who loves her to trial by fire. 

I know what you mean... sadly, I give up already to the hope of my ex seeing the light, I think is kind of obvious that she believes she is happy behaving as she does. I dont know how much of the " I will destroy you" was really out of full awareness or just another screaming for attention, im sorry, but I can see on them the idea of knowing how to love, I think they are so into their own head that they believes if is not in the way they love, then is not love, and that is not only destroying us the ones that get in love with them, but they also destroy their own capacity to be in peace.

I tried my best to make my ex understand she could change, that if I change she could, but if she didn't want to... and as I include in my list, never finished what she start, then is because for her being without me was better than being with me and get better, and to that I can only say go and f... .yourself. I won't continue being paralyze and being controlled by a little kid that doesn't know what she wants, what is love, and dont know that every good thing needs to have work.

[Wicker Man]

I think is kind of obvious that she believes she is happy behaving as she does.

I saw little to no happiness or joy in my ex's actions.  She lives in a frightening world, partially due to her disorder.  She copes the best she can and has had to become brutal, in a way, to survive.  She lives in a very hard and misogynistic culture, and this only seems to perpetuate some of her BPD symptoms.  As a point of fact many of her friends told me they had never seen her smile before we were together.  I do not see joy in the mayhem, but instead desperate attempts at self preservation.

but they also destroy their own capacity to be in peace.

From my observation there is little peace for someone suffering deeply from BPD.  The impulsiveness drove her to make terrible decisions which she later regretted.  They were hurtful for both of us, and I do believe she suffered as well.  I did not see intent to hurt me.  She did a bang up job of hurting me, but there did not seem to be malicious intent.

In fact throughout our year together I never saw any intent or emotional control on her part whatsoever.  I believe she lied to protect her own fragile self image as well as trying to protect my image of her.  This is dysfunctional and misguided, but it is the truth as I see it.

I won't continue being paralyze and being controlled by a little kid that doesn't know what she wants, what is love, and dont know that every good thing needs to have work.

I too had to step away from our relationship.  However, I still maintain she did care for me deeply in so far as she was capable.  It was as much love as she could muster. 

Hopefully she grew from our time together and will have learned there are caring men.  My wish is my time with her will be an impetus for her to seek therapy and become capable of a healthy relationship in the future.

She would never speak again about 'I will destroy you'.  I asked on a few occasions.  I sincerely believe it was not an attempt to get attention, but in fact it was a truth in her mind -her greatest fear.  She never needed to seek my attention I always gave it willingly.