There are no "pros" in my opinion

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

One thing I realise about the list of pros the vast majority I can see that as having been my own behaviour reciprocated towards her. It was as if she had set the tempo, I matched it, then she mirrored it, to the point where if I wasnt telling her every day I loved her, put her at centre of the universe or considered and acted as if I was her "hero", then for that day, something was wrong.

In short, it is a case of healthy boundaries being swept away from the very start and a baseline of what is to be expected for the whole r/s had been firmly set.

Then when dont live up to any of these expectations, it is "con" time, and the burnout is the first to start. It was intoxicating at first, overwhelming in a full-on way that shouldnt have been. but there is only so much time before the novelty starts to wear off. Cant sustain those heightened emotions indefinatly and thats where the bubble of idolisation bursts and the wheel comes of the wagon.

Some of the things listed as "cons" I actually welcomed as a breath of fresh air towards normalacy. Too much sweetness started to make me sick in some ways, its not about unappreciating being texted non stop, at first I was happy to think this girl I had wanted so much was giving this level of attention, but eventually there came a feeling of a strong obligation to respond, not out of wanting to, but worrying what might happen if didnt reciprocate the love bombing.

I really start to view this as having been a new person energy addiction where I was drained out as quick as possible like a battery, then she tried elsewhere to get the same kick, came back to me when she realised it didnt work. The problem they have is finding people who will put up with that intensity, my friends at the time remarked when the texts would pour through as "wow" and we laughed about it, I felt an ego boost that id got this attractive womans interest to what at the time I considered slightly obssessive but nothing more than having found "someone who is crazy about you", not realising that it was really just a trait of a disordered mindset at that given time.

So really, there is no "pros" in my opinion. If I could go back in time I would have been happy I think to have kept her number for casual sex and not deal with anything emotional related, its how it started off and it was great until she became emotionally needy and I was the perfect candidate to fulfill that at the opportunistic moment.

Not saying that I fully consider the r/s a part of my life I regret, or attach bitterness, but thats only because I managed to get stronger afterwards in the end and can start to rationalise the "pros" amongst all the madness I unwittingly allowed myself to get swept away into.

Dont respond immediately to a text, the idolisation could be over that very second and she thinks "he doesnt love me he just wants to control me". The r/s went on for ages because I didnt let that happen, but the irony is, having control is something that was desperately needed and sorely lacking on my part. There is the catch22 situation though.

There is no pros and to add to the cons list the health-related problems that can result from it all. Ultimately it was this factor that broke the r/s for me, I left to salvage my sanity and probably avoided some long term health issues that were building up. Having that level of underlying stress is in itself a silent killer, it is easy to underestimate what that level of constant emotional intensity does to the body.

[Cromwell]

One thing I realise about the list of pros the vast majority I can see that as having been my own behaviour reciprocated towards her. It was as if she had set the tempo, I matched it, then she mirrored it, to the point where if I wasnt telling her every day I loved her, put her at centre of the universe or considered and acted as if I was her "hero", then for that day, something was wrong.

In short, it is a case of healthy boundaries being swept away from the very start and a baseline of what is to be expected for the whole r/s had been firmly set.

Then when dont live up to any of these expectations, it is "con" time, and the burnout is the first to start. It was intoxicating at first, overwhelming in a full-on way that shouldnt have been. but there is only so much time before the novelty starts to wear off. Cant sustain those heightened emotions indefinatly and thats where the bubble of idolisation bursts and the wheel comes of the wagon.

Some of the things listed as "cons" I actually welcomed as a breath of fresh air towards normalacy. Too much sweetness started to make me sick in some ways, its not about unappreciating being texted non stop, at first I was happy to think this girl I had wanted so much was giving this level of attention, but eventually there came a feeling of a strong obligation to respond, not out of wanting to, but worrying what might happen if didnt reciprocate the love bombing.

I really start to view this as having been a new person energy addiction where I was drained out as quick as possible like a battery, then she tried elsewhere to get the same kick, came back to me when she realised it didnt work. The problem they have is finding people who will put up with that intensity, my friends at the time remarked when the texts would pour through as "wow" and we laughed about it, I felt an ego boost that id got this attractive womans interest to what at the time I considered slightly obssessive but nothing more than having found "someone who is crazy about you", not realising that it was really just a trait of a disordered mindset at that given time.

So really, there is no "pros" in my opinion. If I could go back in time I would have been happy I think to have kept her number for casual sex and not deal with anything emotional related, its how it started off and it was great until she became emotionally needy and I was the perfect candidate to fulfill that at the opportunistic moment.

Not saying that I fully consider the r/s a part of my life I regret, or attach bitterness, but thats only because I managed to get stronger afterwards in the end and can start to rationalise the "pros" amongst all the madness I unwittingly allowed myself to get swept away into.

Dont respond immediately to a text, the idolisation could be over that very second and she thinks "he doesnt love me he just wants to control me". The r/s went on for ages because I didnt let that happen, but the irony is, having control is something that was desperately needed and sorely lacking on my part. There is the catch22 situation though.

There is no pros and to add to the cons list the health-related problems that can result from it all. Ultimately it was this factor that broke the r/s for me, I left to salvage my sanity and probably avoided some long term health issues that were building up. Having that level of underlying stress is in itself a silent killer, it is easy to underestimate what that level of constant emotional intensity does to the body.

[Shawnlam]

I will have to echo what Cromwell said here, there really isn’t a list of pros when you evaluate the whole soap opera from beginning to end.Unlike most of you my ex did do a fantastic job during the love bombing idealization phase and I jumped in head first right back at her.The texts about how much she adored me,the long nights up together joking and laughing ,making love ,all on epic levels.The long walks ,drives,dinners also all endlessly fantastic until... .you realize when it’s over what it was all about.I ask myself today how hard it must have been for her to act so out of character for herself and the intense investment she put towards us working .But sadly but 4 months in the real self came to the surface and then reality kicked in.So making a pros list would be like describing the first time drug user starts a narcotic , everything would be fantastic.This is sadly what I can attribute the beginning to,makes me even more sad to see it this way but her actions today just prove me right.No sane person leaves someone they supposedly love to go back to not one but two ex boyfriends.

I can’t say I regret trying this drug that frankly was hidden in the normal meal I initially intended to eat.I did end up loving her , and I can’t undo that .Those good times although a play in act , were none the less some of the best times I’ve ever had with someone so those memories are mine to keep. But there are no lists of positivity to be written in my case simply because it was all an act.

Sometimes I still miss this drug just like all of you,but being addicted causes grave side effects .You become a changed person,one that developes health problems ,mental problems ,social problems.I didn’t sign up for these circumstances and after reading many stories in the (bettering a relationship) side and tons and tons of internet content ... .unless our ex partners seek substantial help and stick with it,success is slim to none .life is  much too short to waste on trying to dig  a hole  to china.

[Cromwell]

shawnlam, whats happened to me during and even post relationship continues to amaze me. I think we are in the same boat when it comes to one thing, it was the sleeping around elsewhere that caused the end of it, the triangulation. Everything else for me at least, was manageable, and despite that being a crucial issue for me, I made an exception for her and in many ways went through the conflict of changing (or trying) to change my core principles. Im not so sure about where you say it was an "act" though, im still divided on that. Part of every relationship involves some level of acting, I feel that most of the emotions, at least the ones that developed over a longer period of time are not part of an act, but they get to a level that as my ex said to me "cant handle". We were swept away emotionally, experienced it, yet I dont feel it was attainable on their sides due to a defence mechanism that kicks in, despite them wanting it. The condition is all about emotional instability, therein lies the clues somewhere.

Ive never met anyone that could tap into my emotions and incite them as I have her, there is something amazing about it that in itself is highly attractive, it is drug like yes, but id go so far as to say more dangerous. I could control a drug, administer it when I want to, but this r/s if you allow yourself into it, there is no control, trying to control in itself blocks out at the same time all that is "high" about it. I thought I could keep some sort of contact, today she has already had me in a headspin again, as in, induced that high feeling, from one sentence of text. It takes more self control than anything to not reciprocate, try to be dispassionate, when I know I could be with her and rejoin that rollercoaster ride where I left off. Thats the only "pro" point I can find at the moment, that the contact I have is in some way my way of strengthening my resolve, saying no to something that is so enticing yet I learned in the past ended up harmful.

She has became the only person that can so effectively decide whether at any particular moment, push the button that sends to a mental hell or sends to paradise and that is something that ill admit both scares and excites me, to have someone to have developed that level of emotional insight and perception.

But I stand by what I said, if you ultimately care about your health and wellbeing, there is no pros, it is a trade-off going through a lot of pain in order to experience joy. There wouldnt be a board here if that wasnt the case otherwise, you dont ever see a post saying "I cant cope with how great this r/s is, im tripping out from the highs that never end".

I dont want to be someone that keeps coming back here each time hurt, like having mother put on a plaster on a cut knee, then go back out and get hurt again, but having the contact is my own way of not so much healing from the past but strengthening, there is the only "pro" point I use to justify my staying on contact, it does seem to be working to an extent.

[Shawnlam]

I’ll be honest if my ex didn’t drag along a Harem of ex boyfriends,and was a serial  cheater ,is of accepted everything else ,emotional instability and all.So with that said I’d be married by now if she wouldn’t of done what she did .