First time here: Staying for the kids, but very isolated. On Autism spectrum.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello, been in a relationship for twenty years with a woman who has behaviors I recognize from Walking on Eggshells.  Every situation seems damned if you do, damned if you don't.  We have two boys ages 13 and 14, and I'm struggling to keep the home situation as free of conflict as possible, although it is tense.  One has diabetes, and one is mildly autistic.  My wife is a nurse at a children's hospital, and intuitively understands the boys very well.  It makes it hard to walk away from the relationship, because they rely so much on her care and knowledge - and she has never had any interest in working together so I could learn from her.  I'm probably close to the Asperberger side of the autistic spectrum, and am far from an intuitive caregiver.  Probably what drew my wife to me in the first place is that I'm stable and rational, far from the alcoholic neglect and emotional abuse of her childhood.

We're in marriage counseling, for the 6th or 7th time. It's lasted over a year, with no actual improvement in the relationship, but it has helped me. I like this counselor quite a lot, as he has me 'stand my ground' and not apologize for everything, and has stopped my from trying to reason with my wife's accusations.   We are at the stage where his advice is to keep everything business-like and transactional, dropping the effort to be romantic.  My wife has a great fear of being abandoned, is hyper-vigilant, and states that she watches my every move for signs that I am leaving.  The counselor says he knows nothing about her childhood (she volunteers nothing), but can tell she was raised to see herself as unloveable.  I can't give her what she wants, because she doesn't know what she wants. The counselor speculates that my wife was always looking for approval and never got it at home. He keeps urging her to go to individual counseling, and she has finally made an appointment.

Tomorrow she goes in for weight-loss surgery to address her obesity.  She also has a drinking-problem, which she had to acknowledge a year ago due to her DUI conviction - arrested right outside our house.  The court-mandated substance abuse counselor, and she, concluded she is not an alcoholic, but is manic-depressive like her mother (who is an alcoholic).  Not once in the intervening year has my wife again mentioned manic-depression.  There are however, several signs that she is drinking again, especially since last month when she got the breathalyzer lock removed from her car, along with the DUI license plates.

I am in individual weekly therapy myself for the last 2-3 years.  Mostly I vent and my counselor reassures me the latest accusations against me are not accurate.  I'm on Gabapentin medication to combat anxiety, and it has been a wonder drug.  Been on every anti-depressant - either couldn't abide the side effects, or they were ineffective.

I am quite depressed, and have no real friends.  My mom and I are pretty close, but she is slipping into dementia so it is difficult to count on her for much emotional support.  She is very warm, but also a micro-manager.  She was a school teacher, and at home 'school was always in session'.  My one sibling is a truck driver, and not around much.  He's my fraternal twin.  We talk about superficial things, but are not emotionally close.  Particularly since he spent a homeless decade out of touch, lost in drugs and alcohol, and has only been recovered (if he truly is) the past 5 years. Who knows?  He works all the time but has no money and backs out of everything at the last second. My dad died a couple years ago, but we were not close.  He never showed much interest in getting to know me, and he had a hair-trigger temper.

The marriage counselor  isn't surprised at my upbringing - I'm always trying to reason my way through conflict, a result of being Asperger-ish, being micro-managed, and attempting to not trigger dad's temper.  That's why he urges me to stand my ground when my wife is angry with me.  I have to stop trying to mollify my wife, to justify all I want and all I do -- carry-over behaviors from childhood.

Several years ago, with a different individual counselor, I was describing my wife's behavior and he recommended Walking on Eggshells.  That's the first time I ever heard BPD.  I didn't know the stigma, but found out when my wife exploded when I discussed my counselor's recommendation of Walking on Eggshells and BPD.  Every since, I have avoided saying BPD in front of her.  I did bring it up two weeks ago in couple counseling because she bought a book called Mindfulness for BPD.   She is adamant BPD is not the problem, it's just a mindfulness book like any other.

So at present, my wife is crying a lot, angry a lot, in bed alot, has migraines a lot, and my boys blame me fro her sadness.  My wife repeatedly says she and the boys could get along just fine without me At this point, i am trying to hang on through high school, because a separation would not serve the boys well. Admittedly I would not be great at handling their special needs, she is much better.   I and my counselor also think she could have success in turning the boys against me, so I need to stay close and try to build a relationship as they mature.

That's my side of things.  No doubt I have my blind spots. I want to learn and improve how I handle things.  Thank you.

[Stater]

Hello, been in a relationship for twenty years with a woman who has behaviors I recognize from Walking on Eggshells.  Every situation seems damned if you do, damned if you don't.  We have two boys ages 13 and 14, and I'm struggling to keep the home situation as free of conflict as possible, although it is tense.  One has diabetes, and one is mildly autistic.  My wife is a nurse at a children's hospital, and intuitively understands the boys very well.  It makes it hard to walk away from the relationship, because they rely so much on her care and knowledge - and she has never had any interest in working together so I could learn from her.  I'm probably close to the Asperberger side of the autistic spectrum, and am far from an intuitive caregiver.  Probably what drew my wife to me in the first place is that I'm stable and rational, far from the alcoholic neglect and emotional abuse of her childhood.

We're in marriage counseling, for the 6th or 7th time. It's lasted over a year, with no actual improvement in the relationship, but it has helped me. I like this counselor quite a lot, as he has me 'stand my ground' and not apologize for everything, and has stopped my from trying to reason with my wife's accusations.   We are at the stage where his advice is to keep everything business-like and transactional, dropping the effort to be romantic.  My wife has a great fear of being abandoned, is hyper-vigilant, and states that she watches my every move for signs that I am leaving.  The counselor says he knows nothing about her childhood (she volunteers nothing), but can tell she was raised to see herself as unloveable.  I can't give her what she wants, because she doesn't know what she wants. The counselor speculates that my wife was always looking for approval and never got it at home. He keeps urging her to go to individual counseling, and she has finally made an appointment.

Tomorrow she goes in for weight-loss surgery to address her obesity.  She also has a drinking-problem, which she had to acknowledge a year ago due to her DUI conviction - arrested right outside our house.  The court-mandated substance abuse counselor, and she, concluded she is not an alcoholic, but is manic-depressive like her mother (who is an alcoholic).  Not once in the intervening year has my wife again mentioned manic-depression.  There are however, several signs that she is drinking again, especially since last month when she got the breathalyzer lock removed from her car, along with the DUI license plates.

I am in individual weekly therapy myself for the last 2-3 years.  Mostly I vent and my counselor reassures me the latest accusations against me are not accurate.  I'm on Gabapentin medication to combat anxiety, and it has been a wonder drug.  Been on every anti-depressant - either couldn't abide the side effects, or they were ineffective.

I am quite depressed, and have no real friends.  My mom and I are pretty close, but she is slipping into dementia so it is difficult to count on her for much emotional support.  She is very warm, but also a micro-manager.  She was a school teacher, and at home 'school was always in session'.  My one sibling is a truck driver, and not around much.  He's my fraternal twin.  We talk about superficial things, but are not emotionally close.  Particularly since he spent a homeless decade out of touch, lost in drugs and alcohol, and has only been recovered (if he truly is) the past 5 years. Who knows?  He works all the time but has no money and backs out of everything at the last second. My dad died a couple years ago, but we were not close.  He never showed much interest in getting to know me, and he had a hair-trigger temper.

The marriage counselor  isn't surprised at my upbringing - I'm always trying to reason my way through conflict, a result of being Asperger-ish, being micro-managed, and attempting to not trigger dad's temper.  That's why he urges me to stand my ground when my wife is angry with me.  I have to stop trying to mollify my wife, to justify all I want and all I do -- carry-over behaviors from childhood.

Several years ago, with a different individual counselor, I was describing my wife's behavior and he recommended Walking on Eggshells.  That's the first time I ever heard BPD.  I didn't know the stigma, but found out when my wife exploded when I discussed my counselor's recommendation of Walking on Eggshells and BPD.  Every since, I have avoided saying BPD in front of her.  I did bring it up two weeks ago in couple counseling because she bought a book called Mindfulness for BPD.   She is adamant BPD is not the problem, it's just a mindfulness book like any other.

So at present, my wife is crying a lot, angry a lot, in bed alot, has migraines a lot, and my boys blame me fro her sadness.  My wife repeatedly says she and the boys could get along just fine without me At this point, i am trying to hang on through high school, because a separation would not serve the boys well. Admittedly I would not be great at handling their special needs, she is much better.   I and my counselor also think she could have success in turning the boys against me, so I need to stay close and try to build a relationship as they mature.

That's my side of things.  No doubt I have my blind spots. I want to learn and improve how I handle things.  Thank you.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[RolandOfEld]

Hello Stater and welcome!   This is exactly where you should be in terms of finding a supportive community whose feedback and insight can help you to improve your quality of life. The board has been the biggest support to me since I discovered my wife's BPD last year.

You are facing an incredibly difficult situation. Your wife's BPD traits compounded with your children's special needs and your lack of substantial support must be overwhelming. I am a dad of two myself but so far no special needs yet, though my five year old son shows strong ADHD traits.  

In terms of how to best use the board, my first advice is to start posting on other members' threads to gain context and getting to know others here.

There are many things we could pick up on, but the first thing I want to ask about is your self-care. I'm glad you have a stable counseling situation in your life to let you vent. That part aside, what do you do to find a little space to rest and recharge?

~ROE