The dog died, and he's still not happy.

[loyalwife]

     I've known that it was just a matter of time before he would explode, again. It's different now, because the flight or fight feeling is at bay and I don't have the urge to do something about this. My dog was put to sleep four days ago. He was a big boy, 125 lbs., unable to walk etc., so the vet came to the house. Long story short, I put the expense on my credit card. My pwBPDh had said that would be okay, but that was a month ago. Somehow, he had it in his 'mind' that my son would be paying for it, and is convinced that was what I said. He exploded when he saw the bill. I remained calm, as he raised the roof, and has exited the house. There was a time, not long ago that I would follow him out and plead with him to see my position.  It never worked, nor would he listen. It would just make things worse; I'd be upset, he'd say mean things. I'm learning to protect myself. I also see a pattern, and if I'm not mistaken, it's a pattern of him needing to have a reason to dysregulate. Being without tension in our relationship must be uncomfortable. I need to also say, that he hated my dog, and was elated that he was finally gone.
     He has managed to distance, his daughter, my son and daughter, his sister, father and brother in law. The only family he has is me, and I wonder sometimes if that seems too much.
     He just came into the house yelling at me. I stayed calm, and answered his questions, yet didn't engage in the emotion. I just feel really sad. How can someone that says he loves you, be so hateful?
      I'm at wits end here.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[pearlsw]

Hi loyalwife,

I am right here with you! Let me first offer my condolences for your loss. I know how hard it is to lose a beloved pet. I am sorry you are probably not hearing kind words about the life of the dog and instead hearing unkind things.

Your post inspires me to regulate my own emotions. I am expecting more trouble in my "home" later in the day.

Yes, indeed it is very hard to wrap our minds around someone treating us so badly while also claiming to love us. As much as I read, and get it on paper, living it is a whole other thing!

wishing you peace, pearl.

[isilme]

I am so sorry about the furbaby.  

It sounds like you are doing well mitigating your side of his attempts to cause conflict.  

I will say a lot of this reaction is about a few things, I think.  

1 - death can trigger fears of abandonment, Even if he claimed he hated the dog, it was familiar, and part of the house and has now abandoned him. - 10 Dysregulation points

2 - He chose to misremember the conversation about the payment for the vet service.  Or he ignored it, decided not to really listen and rewrote it in his head.  My H seems to do this.  So, a bill arriving he did not want to remember was coming is invalidating. - 10 Dysregulation points

3 - yes, if he is feeling out of sorts, even if he can't identify WHY and it has NOTHING to do with you, he will pick a fight to vent and release those feelings.  Think of it like missing an organ, and you can't process things.  Like a gallbladder.  It helps process greasy, fatty food.  If it's missing, you need help digesting it.  He is missing the "deal with it" organ.  So he uses you as a prosthesis.  Also, not freaking out feels weird to them at times - some bipolar people feel wrong when medicated for the highs and lows.  For some pwBPD, being less agitated might feel strange, too.  - 50 Dysregulation points.

BPD is a terrible condition.  The people they treat the worst ARE the ones they feel closest too.  We won a crappy lottery prize in that fact.  Knowing that it's the BPD being a d**k, and not necessarily the parts of your H that you find worth being around can sometimes help.  I guess for me it's my own splitting - I split him into the man I can love and the man I need to avoid.  It helps me try to not be as upset when he goes off.  Sometimes it works.  Sometimes I can't avoid getting upset.

I am so sorry about your dog, though.  

[loyalwife]

    He left this morning, before I was up (which I made sure I wasn't), didn't say a word. Thank you for the condolences on my faithful dog. 
     I agree that BPD is a terrible condition, and I go back sometimes to the first inclination that something was wrong with him and remember how I ignored it. "He was just having a bad day". Early in our relationship he blew up at me about money (a big trigger), so none of this is a surprise, I've just tried so hard to 'fix' it. The man I love is kind and generous, fun to be around, and repeatedly tells me how happy he is that i'm his girl. This other man is mean and stingy and scary. I like the idea of splitting him in two, and considering one to be someone I don't want to be around.
     We take rides in the country as he likes to drive fast. I've asked that he not do so when I'm in the car because it scares me to death. The other day, he went to pass two cars on a stretch of road. On the side you could clearly see a man jogging. This was rural, no sidewalks and a narrow area marked for bikes and pedestrians.  His speed was 120 mph. I looked around at the man as he flashed by and saw utter fear in his face, and my husband was laughing. I asked him why he decided to do this knowing that someone would be fearful and he said "he could jump off the road if he wanted to". At 120 miles per hour, he didn't have time to even think. This was sadistic, and I was scared. This part of him, that likes to take chances I understand is part of BPD, but is it also true that there is relief in seeing others suffer?
      The ones suffering are the loved ones, because we do love them. He said that he was sorry that he was such a hard person to live with (this was on the same day he blew up). I looked at him and told him he was forgiven. What he doesn't know though is that every time he attacks, I'm less and less willing to keep coming back for more. I did that, it didn't work. The pain from having the wall around him and pushing me away is far worse than anything he can say or do.
      So today, I will find solace in the small things in life and gratitude. Thankful that I am just dealing with someone like this, and not having to be on the other side.

[loyalwife]

   Long story short, my uBPDh  threatened divorce... .again. This time, it was much calmer, but he made it clear that he wanted to be 'rid' of me.  He said that he wanted to get on with his life without me. After he said a few more hurtful things, I left his presence and went to sleep. When I woke up, I had an epiphany. Why fight this anymore? Why not give him what he wants. When he was a kid, his parents always grounded him for the summer. I could extend a gift to him, and give him a summer by himself.
    I asked him to sit down, and I had a pad and pen to write on. I said, "I'm going to give you something you have always wanted. A summer.  I will be leaving soon, and just need a little help getting started.  No lawyers. It's your's and I'm gone."  He looked startled, cried and then said "Why do you always let it get to this point?  Can't you see that you are the one that is making this implode?" Bottom line, I called his bluff.
    We made a deal, and the good news is, no matter how this turns out, I'll be okay. I'm going to get a job and stop waiting for him to readjust to me.  He has said that I could help him more, but that was just a way to control me. I can be free, to be me, out in the world, with other people. So this was a win.
     For now, the bandaid is on, and our marriage isn't bleeding. His episode is over, finally. This one was three days. So, with a little practice, I will be making more boundaries in our relationship. 

[pearlsw]

Hi again loyalwife,

Our situations always sound so similar! I applaud you for doing something about this break up stuff. It spun my head around for years and years to the point of breaking me to bits. It is the most painful and confusing thing I've experienced in my life. It is hard to know the "right thing" to do, but I like your bottom line "I'm gonna look out for myself at any cost" approach.

So are you moving out? Getting a job first and then moving? Staying but only under conditions?

with compassion and sympathy, pearl.

[loyalwife]

Pearlsw,
   
   I am staying, but taking care of myself. This is the second time I called his bluff. Each time though I was ready to go through with the decision of leaving.  He blames me for all of his problems, financial and emotional. Like you said, it is the most confusing thing. It is almost as if he has a license to say whatever he wants without any rebuttal. On the other hand, I'm not to say anything. His words cut deep, and these are the scars that get left behind.
   He made a comment during the heat of an argument. "Sooner or later this will all unwind. If it isn't now, it will definitely happen".   He asked me also what made me stay with him. (interesting question). I told him that I loved being with him and that he made me feel safe, secure and happy (when not cycling).  He probably knows that most women would have run by this point. He forgets half of what he says when he is in an episode, so doesn't feel remorseful in the least bit. 
   I want so badly to have a peaceful normal existence. If this means that at some point he threatens to leave, or wants me to, I may need to go. I realize that this is an ongoing breakup/makeup that will never end. Love you, hate you is so much a part of the pwBPD. This is the mountain to climb, and it is difficult to know the right thing to do, at the time. I practice validation as much as possible and when he says something that he believes is true (emotional truth), I let him know that I hear what he is saying. When I do this, it's as if his whole demeanor changes.
   What has changed or what is changing for me, is that I am no longer afraid of his threats. I came to the conclusion that if he wants to leave, he will. Why would I want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me?  Many of my friends have said "don't leave the house", "let him leave first", but they aren't in this type of relationship. I'll do what is best at the time. It would be much safer, sanity wise and physically to just go. Do I want to spend the rest of my life afraid that tomorrow might mean the end? Not much security, safety or happiness in living like that. Being in an BPD relationship is difficult, heart wrenching and defeating. What makes us stay?  The bottom line is love, but you have to love yourself in order to love others. I just wish the answer was easier.
    For now there is peace.
   
   
   
   

[pearlsw]

   I am staying, but taking care of myself. This is the second time I called his bluff.

He asked me also what made me stay with him. (interesting question). I told him that I loved being with him and that he made me feel safe, secure and happy (when not cycling).  He probably knows that most women would have run by this point. He forgets half of what he says when he is in an episode, so doesn't feel remorseful in the least bit. 
   I want so badly to have a peaceful normal existence. If this means that at some point he threatens to leave, or wants me to, I may need to go. I realize that this is an ongoing breakup/makeup that will never end. Love you, hate you is so much a part of the pwBPD. This is the mountain to climb, and it is difficult to know the right thing to do, at the time. I practice validation as much as possible and when he says something that he believes is true (emotional truth), I let him know that I hear what he is saying. When I do this, it's as if his whole demeanor changes.
   What has changed or what is changing for me, is that I am no longer afraid of his threats. I came to the conclusion that if he wants to leave, he will. Why would I want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me?  Many of my friends have said "don't leave the house", "let him leave first", but they aren't in this type of relationship. I'll do what is best at the time. It would be much safer, sanity wise and physically to just go. Do I want to spend the rest of my life afraid that tomorrow might mean the end? Not much security, safety or happiness in living like that. Being in an BPD relationship is difficult, heart wrenching and defeating. What makes us stay?  The bottom line is love, but you have to love yourself in order to love others. I just wish the answer was easier.
    For now there is peace.

Oh loyalwife, I feel like I could have written many of these sentences myself to describe my own situation. Because of extenuating circumstances I put up with this break up stuff a lot longer than I would have otherwise... .but yes, it is no way to live. I had just started to think he might be able to stop, but I don't believe it now. Poor thing, he keeps trying to tell me he will "never, ever, ever, ever break up with me" but I know he will. Just as the sun rises or the birds sing, he will. Even though he wants me "forever" he will persist in driving me away... .It's so painful. I'd be willing to stay by during an illness, but this kind of illness is just so beyond... .so huge. It eclipses everything else in life. It amazes me how little people know about it. I wish I was a skilled writer and could write a screenplay about it... .or better yet, just see a movie that could capture anything near what this is really like... .

awww, well, you take care and i'll be back in a week or so! wishing you peace!

warmly, pearl.

[CautiousHope]

Just a few things I'd like to add to this conversation, because reading this thread really tugged at my heart from a few different angles. Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss. Our dogs are truly family, they are some of our closest loved ones and it is painful to say goodbye even when the time is right. 

Secondly, what you said about him being uncomfortable with the lack of tension resonated with me. The more stable and consistent I am, the more I realize that my pwBPD will manifest reasons out of thin air to freak out on me. I also think that isilme nailed it in unpacking the underlying experience there.

And lastly, I wanted to say that I found myself smiling as I read further through this thread, you have taken some big steps and it sounds like you are doing a great job of taking care of yourself and prioritizing your needs and not bending to the BPD chaos, and I applaud you for that. Keep loving yourself, I hope that peace continues for a long time to come.

[loyalwife]

Update:
   Living with someone with BPD is like living with a time bomb. You know it will explode just not knowing when. I hold my breath, on so many exchanges letting it pass so not to strike a match to the wick. It seems to work, but that doesn't necessarily mean I can stop his inner dialogue which is ongoing. The same stories get repeated again, and again. The scenarios become worse and worse, and the sad part about this is that he believes these lies he tells himself.
   Right now, he has told himself the story that his family has disowned him, disinherited him and are forever blacked out from his life. His sister stays in contact with me, and it's dangerous in that if he found out, I would be black also. In order to forego any ramifications, I need to stop contact with her and anyone else connected. My feelings are so different than his, as his sister has told me that they do not feel that way at all. After his mom died, he has been mad at his dad (his dad was abusive to his mom, but no one in the family admits it). As his wife, I feel that I need to take his side avoid any blow ups or rages. It would make him feel as though he was betrayed. So to keep the peace this needs to be done.
     My family, which now consists of my two children are not part of our lives, although I am able to see them when I want. He has said he's a lone dog that only likes one person. There are times this isn't true. I can be painted black and there isn't any security in that.
     Last year on 4th of July, my life blew up. He left me, filed for divorce because he felt I betrayed him (helping my son). I cannot take a chance on a repeat, and with regrets, must say goodbye to his sister.

[pearlsw]

Update:
   Living with someone with BPD is like living with a time bomb. You know it will explode just not knowing when.
     Last year on 4th of July, my life blew up. He left me, filed for divorce because he felt I betrayed him (helping my son). I cannot take a chance on a repeat, and with regrets, must say goodbye to his sister.

Hi loyalwife,

Time bomb, yes, this is so true! I was rereading my old replies to you on this post from just last month and I am shocked by them! Same stuff over and over and over. Sigh.

So you feel you have to give up talking with his sister because he will see it as a betrayal? And you worried he could threaten divorce again if he finds out you are contacting her? How do you feel about this loss? Do you have other ways to get enough support? Is this the only way?

take care, pearl.