Older sibling with BPD; toxic and killing me slowly

[mimitray]

Hi, I used to be active on these boards but stopped when I thought my older sibling was more well controlled (or maybe I was convincing myself she was). My older sibling isn't formally diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (she's refused to seek any type of mental health care since her first suicide attempt so the only diagnosis we have for her is depression). However, based on her interactions with me, my therapists have suggested to me that she may have BPD, which was what led me to these forums a few years back for support.

I'm reaching out again for support because I'm reaching a point where I feel I can't do it anymore. I'm starting to get more depressed and I've been thinking more and more that I'd be better off dead than try to be her sister anymore. I think it's becoming more unbearable because in the past year we've started to hang out more and more. The fact that she never asks how I am or bothers to listen to my stories or complaints is a huge bother, but the thing that bothers me most is how fast she is to blame me for everything that goes wrong in her life. She won't listen to explanations and EVERY conversation starts to feel like a spiral.

Even small things now.

For example: We are taking our parents for a vacation to Hawaii, we leave tomorrow morning. I texted her to see if she wanted me to check us all in (we booked flights separately, me with mom and her with dad). Initially I thought I couldn't check her in because I only had her Expedia #, not her actual flight #, but then I found it later. For some reason, she might have missed the text where I said I found it. But she's suddenly blaming me for making her miss her subway to my place because I was texting her about the flight # (mind you its only been 1 or 2 questions from me, its not like I blew up her phone with questions)-- how was I supposed to know she was trying to catch a subway train?

But now I don't know if she'll even show up at my place, or if she'll even make the damn flight. Or whether she's run off somewhere just to show how angry she is, and then she'll blame me later for making her miss her trip to Hawaii because I got her angry in the first place.

I feel like she expects me to read her mind while she doesn't give two cents about what goes through mine.

I just need some help in figuring out how to even interact with her. What do I say, how do I stick up for myself without her using it to blame me for something later?

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Mimitray, 

I'm very sorry to hear that things are escalating with your sister. Especially now with you all going on a trip together, I can imagine the stress level may be a bit higher than usual.

I feel like she expects me to read her mind while she doesn't give two cents about what goes through mine.

Am I correct in understanding that there are two issues going on: 1. Se's expecting too much from you, and 2. She's not concerned about your thoughts/feelings?

Remember that you have no power to change her thinking, but you can change your own, especially towards yourself. If she blames you for something that really has nothing to do with you, are you able to realize that it is her issue that she is upset, not yours? So often for myself the feelings of blame and FOG sweep their way in and it's hard to let them go.

 
 Wools

[Turkish]

Missing a subway because of a text or two? That doesn't make sense... .to someone who isn't emotionally high strung. Sounds like she may be stressed about the trip.  She's an adult,  capable of boarding a plane on her own.  Is your dad capable of taking care of this?

[mimitray]

Thank you, the both of you, for your reply and support. For some reason, I’ve let myself get so lost in the fog for the past year and a half and it’s been very, very difficult to check myself and realize when it’s something that is really out of my control.

I’ve been trying to figure out how to distance myself, and to “not care” when she’s spiraling over something that I have no control over. My largest issue is that when I keep telling myself to stop getting too involved, I just find that I distance myself from everyone and not just her.

The entire situation and realization that I’ve wasted a large part of my 20s in dealing with my sister has gotten me so frustrated and depressed. Thankfully, I have reached out to therapy for myself so hopefully it helps.

As an update: We’re on our trip. She has her moments. Right now she’s blaming me for if I get her sick again, because it’s me coughing toward her even though I’m already covering my mouth (and not the fact that she voluntarily picks off my food). And she isn’t even sick, I’m sick. But you know, her potentially being sick is much more of a big deal than me actually being sick.

[Panda39]

I’ve been trying to figure out how to distance myself, and to “not care” when she’s spiraling over something that I have no control over. My largest issue is that when I keep telling myself to stop getting too involved, I just find that I distance myself from everyone and not just her.

Hi mimi,
I get wanting to take a break (create distance) it's exhausting having to negotiate someone with BPD. I also thought that comment was interesting because it hints at the roles everyone in a family plays trying to negotiate life with someone with BPD.  You just want to get off the merry-go-round, makes total sense to me.  

How do your parents react to your sisters behaviors?  Maybe think about the roles everyone plays in the family, you sound like your sister's scapegoat... .blamed for everything    Even blamed for your sister's cold that she doesn't have  

I wish I could just take a big fan an blow all the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) away, but that is something we all work on ourselves at our own pace.  But I will say that you are not your sister's keeper, she is responsible for her own feelings, her own behaviors and her own cold... .if she ever actually gets one.  

I wanted to share one of the tools here that I have found helpful to use with a critical mother (she's not BPD) it's called "Wisemind", I didn't know it had a name when I used it, I just sort of did it. I found that it really helped me to not let hurtful things my mom said and did get to me, I found I was able to not take things personally.

I would describe what I did as being both in the interaction with my mother and outside of the interaction observing (kind of like sitting on a park bench watching two people talking).  So I'm talking about something with my mom and she cuts me off (she doesn't like what I'm talking about).  I'm in the experience but as the outside observer I'm able to see that this isn't about me it's about her "rules" of behavior, it's about how what I'm saying is reflecting on her in her mind.  It isn't that I am saying anything wrong, it's that it makes her uncomfortable.  In the old days I would have been really hurt... .really invalidated if she cut me off like that, but it wasn't about me at all it was about her, her rules, how she is presented to the world etc.  So I was able to experience that moment without hurt feelings, without feeling I did something wrong, without feeling I wasn't good enough. Instead I just let it go.  

Maybe while your on vacation, experiment with wisemind.  So when your sister starts blaming you for her cold that she doesn't even have, look at it like an observer... .This is about her fear of getting sick, she can't handle the fear so she needs to blame someone so she can feel better.  this isn't about you at all, it's about her... .so don't own the blame... .you are not responsible for her feelings she is. If you can see that this is all about her and her feelings and in fact not really about you at all it can be easier to not take it personally, and not take responsibility for things that aren't ours to take responsibility for.


Wisemind

Attempts to synthesize and compromise between the logical mind and the emotional mind. Uses deepest aspirations to determine the best course.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.0

Take Care,
Panda39

[mimitray]

Maybe while your on vacation, experiment with wisemind.  So when your sister starts blaming you for her cold that she doesn't even have, look at it like an observer... .This is about her fear of getting sick, she can't handle the fear so she needs to blame someone so she can feel better.  this isn't about you at all, it's about her... .so don't own the blame... .you are not responsible for her feelings she is. If you can see that this is all about her and her feelings and in fact not really about you at all it can be easier to not take it personally, and not take responsibility for things that aren't ours to take responsibility for.

Thank you for sharing this tool Panda39, I’ll see if I can try to do this at least a few times during the day. I personally get so frustrated though: why should everything be about her?

But I get it. I can’t change how she thinks or acts, or anyone for that matter. Only how I choose to response to it. It just feel so unfair.

I feel extra bad trying to get my parents to understand. During the trip my sister has just been telling them not to follow her and not to do this or that, for example: she didn’t let my mom come down to use the hot tub in the hotel because she didn’t want her to. In fear of her throwing a tantrum, my mom didn’t. Mind you, my sister is in her 30s. Out here acting like a damn child.

Or even just now, we have a group event tomorrow and all we did was ask what time we have to get up. Since she’s the one that booked it, she’s the only one who knows the exact check in time and itinerary receipt. But she’s out here screaming about how she doesn’t care when we get up and suddenly “why we have to get up so early”. A) it would help for us to know what time we have to leave by, to know how early we should get up and B) no one said anything about gettting up early. She’s just making things up to be irritated about.

[Panda39]

Thank you for sharing this tool Panda39, I’ll see if I can try to do this at least a few times during the day. I personally get so frustrated though: why should everything be about her?

FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) Emotional Blackmail... .everyone is responding to her out of Fear, Obligation & Guilt.  Your mom didn't go to the hot tub out of Fear for example.  There is a reason one of the most well know books about BPD is called "Stop Walking on Eggshells".  What if your mom went to the hot tub anyway?  What if your sister blew up? What if everyone were not afraid of her making a scene?  What if you all realized that she is going to do and say what she is going to do and say, regardless of anything you do or don't do.  What if you all allowed yourselves to focus more on having a fun vacation rather than focusing on her?

More on FOG... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

Or even just now, we have a group event tomorrow and all we did was ask what time we have to get up. Since she’s the one that booked it, she’s the only one who knows the exact check in time and itinerary receipt. But she’s out here screaming about how she doesn’t care when we get up and suddenly “why we have to get up so early”. A) it would help for us to know what time we have to leave by, to know how early we should get up and B) no one said anything about gettting up early. She’s just making things up to be irritated about.

There are natural consequences to our actions... .she doesn't give everyone time to get ready then you don't go.

I think a lot of your frustration is expecting your sister to behave like someone that doesn't have BPD Traits and it's disappointing when she doesn't do what you expect/want her to do.  And yes someone with BPD can suck up everyone's attention... .which leads us right back to FOG. 

Hang in there,
Panda39

[zachira]

You are so tired of the one sided volatile relationship with your sister, and are feeling more frustrated than ever. Her blaming you for everything that goes wrong, even though she is fully responsible for her choices, is just plain overwhelming. I hope you don't mind if I recommend a book "Stop Caretaking The Borderline Or Narcissist: How To End The Drama And Get On With Life". I am about to finish this book, and it is helping me to set healthier emotional boundaries with my three immediate BPD family members. These past few months, I have been working especially hard on not absorbing the blame that is regularly dumped on me by my BPD mom and siblings. I am finding it hard to believe, and yes the hard painful emotional work is paying off, and I am a getting more adept at setting boundaries with my BPD family members, and feeling happier most of the time. I apologize for perhaps oversharing about my journey, and I want you to know that there is hope. You can feel better and less affected by your sister's behaviors. I know that I love my immediate family members who have BPD, and I can't go completely NC with them, though there are many people on this board who have chosen to go NC with their BPD family members, some for periods of time and others forever. This board has many members who are in/have been in situations similar to yours. Please keep us posted and let us know how you are doing. We care and want to help in any way we can. 

[GreenGlit]

I'm sorry you're going through that. I also have a sister with undiagnosed suspected BPD. We have similar interactions to what you describe - sudden unpredictable rage and blame, poor communication, the expectation that I can read minds, and a very fragile ego.

It took me many years of therapy and some years of geographic separation to come to the conclusion that I can't "control" my sister, and by that I mean, I can't predict how my actions will affect her and I can't prevent her raging outbursts. Accepting that helped me feel a lot less guilty because I used to blame myself for her outbursts - in my mind, if I could work harder to predict and to protect her feelings, then perhaps nobody would get angry. I also never got apologies after the rages, and my sister also has no concept or understanding that I have my own feelings or that I am hurt or disturbed by her very hurtful/cruel words. This acknowledgement may never come for you, as it has never come for me, which is a deeply tragic and painful realization. I sacrificed my own feelings for years to avoid coming to the intellectual understanding that my sister isn't capable of loving me in a normal way, and won't ever be able to consider my needs. I got tired of sacrificing my own mental health. I became depressed and volatile myself, tearful, confused, and all of the confusion brought me to the brink of my own sanity. I had to step away.

My suggestion to you is to think about what you want from your sister. Is your sister capable of providing this? Could you maintain your own mental health and still have the relationship you have with your sister? If interactions with anyone in your life make you consider being dead, like you mentioned... .something is very wrong. It doesn't seem like you're at the point of limiting your contact with her, but I will say this: there is not much you can do to figure out how to interact with her. No matter how hard you try, at some point, you will "fail" and another outburst will happen. In my opinion it's not worth the mental effort to try. You are a good sister, you love her, and all you can do is be yourself. When she rages, it's not about you. If it disturbs your life, step away. Sometimes family members end up enabling the raging behavior by coddling family members. In some cases, if they learn that raging will cause family members to step away, this is a pavlovian conditioning of sorts that may encourage more appropriate behavior. Either way, your emotional needs should come first.

[hellebore1]

Mimi, I wonder if your parents would consider going to therapy?  Before I went NC with my likely-BPD half brother, a big part of my problem was my mother pushing me to accommodate his manipulations and outbursts and blaming me for being upset by them - I can really relate to what you describe above, feeling your own mental health deteriorating in feeling you have no choices in accommodating the BPD behavior.  In parents' defense, dealing with BPD can be so challenging and difficult that they feel desperate and enlist any help they can find, I'm sure.  

Walking away from my h-b and breaking a long and very unhealthy dynamic was the hardest thing I've ever done, because he was still doing a pretty expert job of controlling my mom with the behaviors at the time.  I had to risk her not understanding and threatening to disown me for taking away my help in HER dealing with him, if that makes any sense.

It's now 15 years later.  She's gone to therapy and things are better for her and for me, though sadly I don't think H-B will ever get help.  He's not entirely a bad person, of course, but he always hated my dad since he was the product of a different marriage and was extremely cruel to me when my dad died, tried to convince my mom to break up me and my then-fiance (now my very supportive spouse, thank Heaven the plan didn't work), etc.  I'm just... .not going to be around him again until I have credible evidence he's in therapy, because frankly it's his sanity or mine - I have ADHD with the usual anxiety, depression, etc.  Hang in there.  

(p.s. I'm so glad to have found this board, most support groups are oriented to parents or children of BPD.  Siblings are also profoundly affected.  Wish I'd had it a dozen years ago... .)

[LeneLu]

Mimi,

Boy, can I relate to this story.  I was traveling abroad with my family and I started to feel like I was coming down with something.  My uBPDsis offered me some Rx meds that she brought.  A couple of days later, she started to feel like she was coming down with something.  She was so mad at me for taking the meds that she offered (to feel like the savior) and told me that I should have planned and packed better. (This was just the first of many time I was blamed for her becoming sick).

No lie, the next day she asks me if I have any tampons!  So, I should have planned for something somewhat unlikely and unpredictable, but the fact that she didn't plan for something totally likely and predictable was OK? 

I don't want to put words in your mouth, but I sense that you don't want to be dead, you just want to be dead to her... .non-existent.  If that is the case, I know how you feel.  Sometimes I just want to "extract" myself from my family... .just fade away and leave the complications and unsolvable conflicts behind.  My family has ignored her behavior in an attempt to keep the peace for so long, that there is no convincing her now that she is the problem.  I am out on a limb because I am standing up to her. No one is coming to my defense (though no one is telling me to fix it, because they know I can't).

I am afraid I have no tested advice to offer as I am going on month 14 of NC.  It really just started out as an attempt to get some "Healthy distance" and after 2 attempts at trying to explain my feelings has landed us here. But, I do think I have a more peaceful life this way.  I just struggle with the anxiety of my next face to face meeting with her.

Leenlou