Please stop me from texting her

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Well it’s been past the two week threshold of silence and I’m feeling anxious ,please dear god convince me to not text her please ! I got her number again from her exGF but I’ve done nothing with it,I so hate feeling like this

[Shawnlam]

Well it’s been past the two week threshold of silence and I’m feeling anxious ,please dear god convince me to not text her please ! I got her number again from her exGF but I’ve done nothing with it,I so hate feeling like this

[lighthouse9]

Shawn. Don't text her. Go out for a ride on your bike. Go to the gym. Clean something in depth or polish some boots or something. Distract yourself man, it's not worth it.

[Skip]

If you want to save this relationship, a high anxiety text will just blow things up. If you are trying to detach, high anxiety texting is also a bad idea.

Earlier you said she was back with her boyfriend and also sleeping with another guy. Is this a fact, fear, or is it possibly your anxiety painting her "black" again?  

Your anxiety has been really hard on you and her in the past - imagining that she is doing awful things and then lashing out at her. The last time you had an anxiety response to her, she broke up.

Stay cool. Talk to us.  

If you want to craft how to make a probe back to her next week (after June 1 like she talked about) lets do that - probably best to do on the conflicted board.

It's good that you posted instead of texting!

[Shawnlam]

  Skip

It’s all legit, she’s with her two ex’s, guarantied. Felt good to post it here. I won’t text but, Jesus, today is hard. Why? No idea.

[juju2]

Shawn

Some days are hard.

They just are.  Tomorrow is a new day

[Shawnlam]

Some days are hard.

They just are.  Tomorrow is a new day

Crazy how they still play in our heads

[Cromwell]

ive done well to not text but weve been in contact and the problem is she is putting me in a good mood and by reciprocating it is back to the old drug again.

Only thing I suggest is delete her number if she has yours. That way you have no ability, but you can always wait for her to.

If you do text her, dont feel bad about it, its just a text and in the big picture, hasnt scuppered the long term goal of detaching. Is there anything in specific that you think about her that is intruding into your thoughts, or is it just a general feeling of wanting to reach out. There might be some clues in there to think about. If I have texted her, which ive done well to only do now and then, its been when ive been in a nostalgic happy mood and I text almost the same way as when we were together. That tells me that there still exists a latent feeling of wanting to continue good times, which goes against my concious pragmatic wish to detach for good.

try not to get drunk and text her anything too emotionally triggering, I guess that could be worst case scenario, but even then dont beat yourself up about it after, its understandable and not a failure, a small set back if anything.

[Shawnlam]

ive done well to not text but weve been in contact and the problem is she is putting me in a good mood and by reciprocating it is back to the old drug again.

Only thing I suggest is delete her number if she has yours. That way you have no ability, but you can always wait for her to.

If you do text her, dont feel bad about it, its just a text and in the big picture, hasnt scuppered the long term goal of detaching. Is there anything in specific that you think about her that is intruding into your thoughts, or is it just a general feeling of wanting to reach out. There might be some clues in there to think about. If I have texted her, which ive done well to only do now and then, its been when ive been in a nostalgic happy mood and I text almost the same way as when we were together. That tells me that there still exists a latent feeling of wanting to continue good times, which goes against my concious pragmatic wish to detach for good.

try not to get drunk and text her anything too emotionally triggering, I guess that could be worst case scenario, but even then dont beat yourself up about it after, its understandable and not a failure, a small set back if anything.

I’ve given up booze completely so there is no chance of a drunken emotional text .All in all I didn’t and won’t text her anyways it would be counter productive and just restart emotions that have been slowly surpressed.With that said she’s with her two ex’s and I was never a fan of the show threes company so not gonna happen.I equate reaching out to her as weakness and fragility two things I’m striving to eliminate from my persona .I was a strong willed man before her and I think I can be even stronger after with what I’ve learnt.I believe there will be a lot of times in the future where I will miss her deeply,and I will always love her , those things will not go away.

[CryWolf]

HEy man everything you feel is normal. It’s hard and you’re brain isn’t accepting it. It needs its fix. I was in your spot.
I’m almost not 6 months in. And I can say I have urges to check on her but I don’t and stop myself. Before in your position. I couldn’t. I would check her social media. And reread messages. I was a mess. I needed to connect. My flight or fight was ENGAGED.

It gets better man, but right now you have to just hurt. Keep hurting and accept the hurt. It’s one of the most painful feelings in life. It will destroy you but then make you stronger over time. One day you will look back and be like “wow, I can live wirhout them”

That’s where I’m at now. I never thought I could be here. I didn’t know a life without her or Could imagine it. But here we are.

You will Be here too in time. In the meantime, go to the gym, pick up hobbies. Keep meeting people. Learn people and their struggles and their upbringings. It will make you appreciate things more.


I still love my ex and think about her. This is normal. You’re human.

Put yourself first Shawn, and be the best you can be.

[Cromwell]

I’ve given up booze completely so there is no chance of a drunken emotional text .All in all I didn’t and won’t text her anyways it would be counter productive and just restart emotions that have been slowly surpressed.With that said she’s with her two ex’s and I was never a fan of the show threes company so not gonna happen.I equate reaching out to her as weakness and fragility two things I’m striving to eliminate from my persona .I was a strong willed man before her and I think I can be even stronger after with what I’ve learnt.I believe there will be a lot of times in the future where I will miss her deeply,and I will always love her , those things will not go away.

I think it is "two is company, three is a crowd".

I believe you will always remember her and occassionaly, long term, might think about her and the time together shared, but not maybe as much as you believe at the moment. I really feel my 8 months complete NC helped to control the intensity of the emotions I had and I got used to not missing her company. She texted me today, again saying how she missed being together, I havent responded to it yet, because it did invoke happy nostalgia emotions and I dont want to react like I used to. It was 2 days since I texted her for her to reply and it was a statement without anything to prompt a reply. So she can wait 3 days and I will just text something new. This asymmetric approach disturbs the ryhthm but keeps the wagon wheels turning. Ok im a fan of metaphors but essentially, im using this time to see how things go without reacting like I used to. If I was to evaluate all her texts so far, they would combine into "i still get days I wish I could be rescued, I miss our time together very much" = show me some interest again, make the move to meet up and carry on where we left of, but take the responsibility and risk too, put yourself vulnerable again.

Thats just the bait I wont go for, shes not worth it when ive built my life back up into a different direction. If I hadnt done that, id already have tried to meet her and chased her. My roadmap to healing was the NC though, and now limited distant controlled conversations, I feel a lot better nowadays for it. It feels a more maturer outcome than the multi-fractured break it was. There is no pressure or obligation on me now, as long as I dont take on that burden willingly. It feels strange to not reply emotionally deep, or to not reply to her for days, but this is reconfiguring to what is now rather than what once was. Which is what "moving on" is all about.

We have 2 brains, the reptilian automatic responsive one, as Crywolf said, based on fight or flight, and another brain based on rational decision making. When I got her texts, I used to hit them back to her, Zen like, without even thinking. Its what she enjoyed, i was honest and reliable. but she used it ultimately against me. The reptilian brain gets stimulated by emotion and wants to reciprocate it, but it is not as powerful as it used to be, the other brain has taken over as new CEO, who instructed all decisions will be carefully decided first using more rational and logic before being acted on. Ok I dont get swept away in the heights of the emotions, its not much fun like it used to be, but thats exactly the goal that ive set, doesnt mean to say I am dispassionate when I think back to the past, but the past is no more. Evolution.

well done for giving up the drink, succeeding isnt easy, its stupid to make it unnecessarily harder.

[Shawnlam]

I think it is "two is company, three is a crowd".

I believe you will always remember her and occassionaly, long term, might think about her and the time together shared, but not maybe as much as you believe at the moment. I really feel my 8 months complete NC helped to control the intensity of the emotions I had and I got used to not missing her company. She texted me today, again saying how she missed being together, I havent responded to it yet, because it did invoke happy nostalgia emotions and I dont want to react like I used to. It was 2 days since I texted her for her to reply and it was a statement without anything to prompt a reply. So she can wait 3 days and I will just text something new. This asymmetric approach disturbs the ryhthm but keeps the wagon wheels turning. Ok im a fan of metaphors but essentially, im using this time to see how things go without reacting like I used to. If I was to evaluate all her texts so far, they would combine into "i still get days I wish I could be rescued, I miss our time together very much" = show me some interest again, make the move to meet up and carry on where we left of, but take the responsibility and risk too, put yourself vulnerable again.

Thats just the bait I wont go for, shes not worth it when ive built my life back up into a different direction. If I hadnt done that, id already have tried to meet her and chased her. My roadmap to healing was the NC though, and now limited distant controlled conversations, I feel a lot better nowadays for it. It feels a more maturer outcome than the multi-fractured break it was. There is no pressure or obligation on me now, as long as I dont take on that burden willingly. It feels strange to not reply emotionally deep, or to not reply to her for days, but this is reconfiguring to what is now rather than what once was. Which is what "moving on" is all about.

We have 2 brains, the reptilian automatic responsive one, as Crywolf said, based on fight or flight, and another brain based on rational decision making. When I got her texts, I used to hit them back to her, Zen like, without even thinking. Its what she enjoyed, i was honest and reliable. but she used it ultimately against me. The reptilian brain gets stimulated by emotion and wants to reciprocate it, but it is not as powerful as it used to be, the other brain has taken over as new CEO, who instructed all decisions will be carefully decided first using more rational and logic before being acted on. Ok I dont get swept away in the heights of the emotions, its not much fun like it used to be, but thats exactly the goal that ive set, doesnt mean to say I am dispassionate when I think back to the past, but the past is no more. Evolution.

well done for giving up the drink, succeeding isnt easy, its stupid to make it unnecessarily harder.

Thanks for the words Crom, it’s get just a little easier everyday now.Im truely comprehending the purpose of no contact.I haven’t blocked her but I haven’t reached out to her so it seems we both are moving on with our lives and we last saw each other on good terms although weird terms with the love you’s ,miss you, spend time together stuff.Ive come to the conclusion she was just in the moment emotional so it was ok she said those things.Ive also said to myself it’s not only good for me to not reach out but for her as well.I don’t think playing with her emotions is beneficial in anyway for her.Just a simply hey email im sure she could do without so I said to myself to make this easier ,you are not only helping you but you are helping her... .makes it easier .

I hope you are doing well ,

[Zen606]

Hi Shawnlam,
Are you separated from her and not planning to reunite? If so, I really understand how you feel, but please don't text her. When you get the urge try to look at the whole picture and remember the red flags, all the reasons why the separation happened. Read some of the articles available on this site and then the reasons for not contacting her may be clearer.

I will share my situation with you because i believe that we should be aware that the urges to reconnect with the ex, even when we know we should not, are very powerful. I have been NC with my bp trait ex for 7 months. His birthday is in a few days and I so much want to send him a card but I cannot because it could re-open things with him. This situation has flung me into the way I was feeling after our second break-up, about a year ago. I cannot believe it, I feel like I am back at square one. I cry, I feel anxiety, and desperation. More so because I know I cannot send him the card. I am aware that much of this has to do with childhood issues and the impossible situation that I experienced with my parents -- my mom was bp traits, if she would have been diagnosed I believe she would have met the criteria.

So, please think about the red flags and other possible issues linked to your urge. If you do not want to have your heart broken again, please don't text her.  In time it will get better for both you and me.
Zen606

[vale46]

Well it’s been past the two week threshold of silence and I’m feeling anxious ,please dear god convince me to not text her please ! I got her number again from her exGF but I’ve done nothing with it,I so hate feeling like this

Im in the same period give or take a week or complete NC. Remember, NC is not for her, its for YOU!
As was said in a previous post, you need to hurt let it all out. Im exactly in the same boat. Go walking, look at things while you are. Distract yourself. One of the things that helped me was writing. Write all the stuff down that she did to hurt you. Write down all the reasons why the relationship will simply not work. Then when you think of her, pull out those notes and read over them. Anxiety for me tends to distort reality. When you're anxious you are only thinking of the good times, and you want her back. Its irrational thinking and it opens those wounds again. By reading those notes, you are bringing reality back into perspective. Delete her number, I did. Delete anything that gives you the temptation to contact her, block her from ALL social media and get rid of those apps from your phone to prevent you logging in. The break from that crap will do you good. If you are going NC you have to be strict. You need to take control back of YOUR life. Who gives a fcuk about hers? Remember she will never change and you have said she is already being shared around like a bag of crisps. You DO NOT want that in your life. If you do, whatever you are going through will be a million times worse. All ive said is actually what im doin and in the process now. Stand you're ground and ramp it up. You're better than this and you will have a much happier life without her, but someone else who will appreciate you. Dont get engulfed in the fog. See it for what it is and be strong.

[Wicker Man]

Im in the same period give or take a week or complete NC. Remember, NC is not for her, its for YOU!

@vale46  I do not fully agree.  I believe no contact, may in the long run, help both parties.  If Shawn, you truly wish to disengage, then no contact may be right for you as well as for her. 

The first stage of the grieving process is denial.  If the two of you have ended your relationship then continued contact may keep both of you in denial that the relationship is truly over. 

You are not be the right person to help her grieve the loss of your relationship.  As I can offer mine no succor, no support, no further protection.  My watch is done.

I know it was right and necessary for me for several reasons.  One of which being I still love my ex deeply and do not wish to see her continued destructive life choices.  Further I wish for her to be able to grieve the loss of us and move on with her life to the best of her ability.


Wicker Man

[Shawnlam]

Hi Shawnlam,
Are you separated from her and not planning to reunite? If so, I really understand how you feel, but please don't text her. When you get the urge try to look at the whole picture and remember the red flags, all the reasons why the separation happened. Read some of the articles available on this site and then the reasons for not contacting her may be clearer.

I will share my situation with you because i believe that we should be aware that the urges to reconnect with the ex, even when we know we should not, are very powerful. I have been NC with my bp trait ex for 7 months. His birthday is in a few days and I so much want to send him a card but I cannot because it could re-open things with him. This situation has flung me into the way I was feeling after our second break-up, about a year ago. I cannot believe it, I feel like I am back at square one. I cry, I feel anxiety, and desperation. More so because I know I cannot send him the card. I am aware that much of this has to do with childhood issues and the impossible situation that I experienced with my parents -- my mom was bp traits, if she would have been diagnosed I believe she would have met the criteria.

So, please think about the red flags and other possible issues linked to your urge. If you do not want to have your heart broken again, please don't text her.  In time it will get better for both you and me.
Zen606

Thank you for the words I’m sorry you are going through similar it’s tuff for sure.So far so good I’ve managed to keep quiet and I think it’s easier as time goes by for sure ... especially knowing what she is doing now.

[DogMan75]

How’s it going? Still no contact?

[Zen606]

Hi Shawnlam,
Just wondering if you are seeing a therapist? This would be helpful to you. In my case I began therapy a month before the last break up with my bp trait ex, because of the red flags that I continued to see. Discussion of leaving the relationship was of importance at that time. One of the things  I have worked on in therapy is the connection of present day relationship issues to childhood ones. I have experienced some intense work during these 7 months, and although this does not lessen the pain I feel of still being in love with him and not being able to be with him,  it does give me the understanding as to where the core pain is coming from, and this lessens the intensity.

We need all the support we can get at times like this because this is a very tough and painful situation. Thank the universe for this forum without it I would have, I believe, suffered much more than I have.
Zen606

[Shawnlam]

Hi Shawnlam,
Just wondering if you are seeing a therapist? This would be helpful to you. In my case I began therapy a month before the last break up with my bp trait ex, because of the red flags that I continued to see. Discussion of leaving the relationship was of importance at that time. One of the things  I have worked on in therapy is the connection of present day relationship issues to childhood ones. I have experienced some intense work during these 7 months, and although this does not lessen the pain I feel of still being in love with him and not being able to be with him,  it does give me the understanding as to where the core pain is coming from, and this lessens the intensity.

We need all the support we can get at times like this because this is a very tough and painful situation. Thank the universe for this forum without it I would have, I believe, suffered much more than I have.
Zen606

Good morning ! Yes I am seeing a therapist and things are going well so far .Its not so much anything from my childhood that was my cause but more circumstances.When I started dating my ex I was just out of an 8 year relationship so I was at my lowest.Plus I thought she was safe given we were friends for 5 years prior .A whole bunch of stuff lined up for us to happen and and a whole bunch of stuff lined up for us to end.I have not contacted her and will not,and I’m sure she has moved on as well.A lot of people keep telling me she will come back when least expected but I’d bet money to the contrary I know her very well now .With her looks she has an endless stream of male attention givers so I’m far from required anymore so in a way I’m good to go.

I’m still working on a whole bunch of issues about myself and frankly I’m just focusing on me which is working to help forget what I can about her.Ill never forget everything and that’s ok she wasn’t all bad at all so keeping memories from her is something I want.I just won’t and can’t see her anymore it hurts too much and when she sees me she feels the same way .

[Cromwell]

Shawn I really feel as if your getting somewhere, esp your last line.

What is working best for me is to completely get her out of my mind, work, hobbies, pursuing new relationships.

this "pining for lost love" is what is ultimately holding back, keeping entrenched, is not only mentally unhealthy but ultimately pointless.

"please stop me from texting her".

advice: BLOCK and delete. I dont fully agree that time doesnt heal, at least when I measure it to a r/s I fell in love with before and broke on far better terms. It was time that healed, and no contact (wasnt initiated as such, just both moved on in life). It was the trauma in this BPD relationship that has caused the moving on to be protracted, its not really been so much as "longing" for my ex as it was, ruminating over and over the intense hurt she caused me to feel. That only starts to heal the less I think about her, the movement towards true indifference.

Just as I look back in the past rarely) at my exs and often it is just happy recollections which make me feel good, I can only expect to do the same with my most recent ex. The only thing is not enough time elapsing and not having a proper closure, this keeping in contact is benefiting her, she doesnt want to lose the contact but its not helping me move forward by being forced to hear about "old songs we shared" "crying about it" "missing me". Ive got to block and delete that the same, and will be doing so the next time she replies (i cant block her now as dont have her number).

[Zen606]

Hi Shawnlam,
Great, this is a good time to work and focus on you. This work will make you stronger. Now you know what red flags to look out for when you meet someone new. I hope your therapist is familiar with BPD, it will be helpful as you discuss what happened.

Cromwell is absolutely correct, block and delete. This is what I did when the separation happened and I knew this was the last time for me. I got a new phone number, blocked him from my emails, this way I was not keeping myself in a situation where I would be checking my phone -- we are human and of course still want to hear from them, despite the toxicity.

You take care,
Zen606

[CryWolf]

Hey Shawn,

You’ve come a long way man. I remember reading your posts early on compared to now. You have learned and adjusted so well and whether you text your ex or not, you’ve grown so much since then.

I had a moment of weakness myself a few weeks ago and texted my pBPDex. She read it and didn’t reply. Before she wouldn’t open them. I felt regret messaging her but it also was what I needed. That a person I love dearly and a person who says they love me, chooses to ignore me for 6 months then I don’t want that person in my life anymore. I ended up blocking her on Facebook. Usually I block for a day then I start getting worried and say “what if she reaches out” so I unblock. But it’s been over a week now and she’s been blocked. I have urges to unblock her, but I don’t want to be recycled again. I love her and Miss her and would love to see her and do all that again, but not if it puts me back at square one and I lose all the progress I made.

At times when I get very anxious and want to reach out, I call or text someone else. Or I watch YouTube videos or of that nature to occupy my mind and prevent from reaching out. I finally deleted her number from everywhere so there s is no chance I can find it again like before.

I wish her the best everyday. I wish my ex a s positive life and as much as it hurts. I think that’s the best thing to do. When you love someone you don’t want them to hurt, no matter how much you hate them in the moment. It’s Normal to feel mixed feelings as well. I’ve been there man. One minute I hate her guts the next I want to hold her and kiss her forehead to make her feel safe. Emotions are all over the place, but it’s all grief.