Frustrating week

[Hyacinth Bucket]

My DD21 made all kinds of promises to not make us do anything to help clean up her old apartment. She just needed help with moving her furniture.

Fast forward to this week, she (like so many of your kids) said she just couldn't clean it by herself and could I come keep her company. I said ok. There was a lot more stuff left at her old apt though and her room was horrifying. old food, cigarette butts, bags that held cocaine, booze bottles, trash... .All intermixed with clothes and things she wanted to keep just covering the floor. So I sat with her for maybe eight hours while she worked on it. At 11pm (I was supposed to work the next day,and her old apt is an hour away from my house) I said "I don't know how we are ever going to get this done tonight." She got upset but calmly explained that when I say things like that it makes her feel like I have no confidence in her and I feel like she is totally incompetent. We ended up talking for two hours about a bunch of horrible things that happened/she did last year. It was constructive but now it was 1:30am. So I slept on the floor in the less-gross room for three hours while she kept working. She did a pretty good job packing, it just took an eternity. So I felt fine about things.

I missed work yesterday and we didn't get done til 11 am. She had promised to take the train to finish cleaning (still had to mop and clean everything) this morning. I talked to her this morning and she was having a panic attack because she couldn't sleep last night so I told her I would take her up at noon (missing more work) and help her finish. I had a feeling that would happen so I frantically called around and found a cleaning service who could come this afternoon. So I messaged her that I was coming to get her key... .

Up til now I was fine. I was already coming up this afternoon to do the walk through with the land lord as an aside, I NEVER would have done this if I wasn't the cosigner on the stupid apt. Never again!

I get to her new apt, and her phone is off and she is sound asleep and her bedroom door was shut so she couldn't hear me. I knocked like a crazy person on her door for five minutes until a maintenance person felt sorry for me and called the front desk to let me in. They thank god knew me or I would have been totally screwed. So I knocked and yelled at her locked bedroom door and she basically stuck the key out the door and went back to bed. I also know for a fact that she hasn't seen my messages saying I found a cleaning person so she just assumed I would take care of it.

It's just so infuriating to be told that I need to have more trust in her blah blah and then she does this. So now I have to have the "trust is earned" discussion with her. It's soo frustrating. I am currently at her apartment. I hate this.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[hangingon]

Oh HB - I'm frustrated for you just reading this!  Your DD left you holding the bag on this one.  I really feel for you.  I can easily see myself getting into the same situation with my daughter as well.  Like yours, she has panic attacks and anxiety which has in the past hindered her from completing necessary tasks, especially at the "11th hour" You have gone above and beyond (and I do too) in an effort to help.  And of course, being cosigner, you "own" your responsibility to leave the apartment clean, something that our DD have yet to accept. I'm sure that you are disappointed as well, from a trust standpoint.  We all want so badly to believe that our children will actually do what they say they will do, that we almost "will it" if you know what I mean.  Having this apartment was an opportunity for her to show you that she can handle the responsibilty and be trusted and it must be disappointing for you. 

The other infuriating thing (as always) is they fail to see the impact their irresponsibilty has on us.  Here you are scrambling around at the last minute, fetching keys and arranging (and paying for) cleaning service, and taking time off from work, all while she sleeps behind a locked door.  Argghhh.  I hope that, when you discuss with her later, she can recognize her distrustful and inconsiderate behaviour and address it going forward.

Hugs   

[Feeling Better]

Hi hyacinth bucket

I can feel the frustration oozing out of your post, I am so sorry you had to go through that. The things that we do for our kids eh? You must have been absolutely shattered to fall asleep on the floor. It sounds like you have lots of patience, she is really lucky to have you, I hope that she can learn to appreciate that x 

[Huat]

A big ((HUG) to you from me, Hyacinth Bucket!

You are way out of my league when it comes to patience (probably in other things, too).

We live... .then we learn... .then... .if needed... .we do differently.   Never co-signing for an apartment for your daughter sounds like a good idea to me.

Thinkin' of ya!  Make sure to be taking time to look after... .YOU.

Huat   ; )

[HFhelp]

Sorry for your day.  You made the best decision you could at the time.  Thats all any of us can do. Often we end up down a rabbit hole and we don't know how we got there.  It is always easier to prepare and rehearse how we will respond and work though situations with our kids.  But our hearts sometime respond before the brain kicks in.  Ive read many of your posts.  You do an awesome job. 

Everyday is a new opportunity for improvement for yourself and your daughter. 

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Thank you for all the replies and support! The apartment is all cleaned out thanks to some lovely cleaning people and that is now off my plate forever. I did not cosign on her new apt and I told her I won't be helping her move next time  

This has a somewhat better ending than I expected. She called and immediately apologized profusely for not helping me and sleeping through it. She didn't remember me coming to her apt to get the key; she took some anti anxiety meds and fell asleep after being awake for around 36 hours. It's possible and I want to believe her. She is very difficult to wake  up normally, without meds. I am going to give her the benefit of the doubt. In the past she absolutely would have ignored me and  has. Anyway she said she was horrified that I thought she purposefully ignored me like that and kept apologizing.

One nice story - I was trying to carry this large box she had filled with trash to a dumpster and the side started tearing, so I put it down and started to drag it across the parking lot. Of course the whole thing fell apart and I'm standing there swearing up a storm with this disgusting pile of garbage on a sheet of cardboard. These two little boys, maybe 8 or 9, came out and asked if I needed help. I said I did and they helped me drag it across to the dumpster. They were so adorable and sweet, it really made my day. I gave them each five bucks haha. I was so grateful.

I realized that truthfully, a week like this is worth it in return for having my home peaceful and quiet and her having her own space. I am grateful every day that I don't feel like I live in a war zone anymore.

I hope you all have a quiet, peaceful evening/day.

[Scout206]

Dear HB
You are an amazing, strong, patient person.  On the bright side, at least your daughter felt bad and apologized.  I don't remember my daughter taking responsibility or apologizing for anything since she has reached adulthood.  I fail to see empathy in this beautiful person that I no longer know.   She has NC'd me for the better part of two years so my chance to interact with her is extremely limited.  Whenever we have any contact, she will twist something innocent that I say into something totally different.  She tells friends and family things about me that are untrue.   (Otherwise she can't explain my absence in her life to people who have known us for years.)   Anyhow, I am sorry that things went badly for you.  It seems that both you and your daughter are making progress - I wish I could say the same.  Keep letting us know how you are doing. 
Scout206


 

[wendydarling]

Yikes HB I hope you've rested up by now, in your own bed. It's so hard for us to be patient in very challenging situations.

You are very patient and thoughtful with your DD, you stand back and allow her to connect with you, she trusts you. She is learning from you what is safe for her, this reduces her fear, helps her listening skills. Patience can be a strong boundary!

Keep doing what you are doing HB, I see so many golden nuggets for you and your DD. Remember progression, regression.

Inspiring!

What a relief that apartment is GONE!

Hang in there.

WDx

[Daisy123]

Wow! HB- you are amazing! I love how you keep in view next steps with your DD. The talk about how trust is earned, ensuring the apartment is cleaned and then not co-signing or settin the limit of no assisting any further moves... .
And your DD is making progress and learning along the way with your firm, patient guidance.
You must be exhausted.
I hope you catch up on some much deserved rest.

And Wendy- thanks for reminding me- progress/ regress.
Why is it our loved ones struggle so hard to see any of their commitments through?
Why must they regress each time they make progress?

HB- sending you hugs.
Daisy

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Thank you so much, again, to the lovely people on this board. Your support and encouragement means so much to me.

I'm still trying to catch up with work and school after last week. DD21 is doing ok, I think she will probably go back to stripping after the two failed attempts at getting normal jobs. I'm ok with it, there isn't another job she could do that allows her to show up when she wants and stay home when she needs to because of her mental health issues.

She is trying hard still, she continues to surprise us with her insights into herself.

She lost her ID today (again) and got super upset and trashed her apartment. She asked if I'd help her look for it, after the apt was trashed, and I told her I thought that would be too overwhelming for me. I'm learning how to say things to her that don't make her hear "you are too much, I can't be around you." I had already told her I had a bad day at work today. Since she constantly feels overwhelmed it's easy for her to understand that I am feeling that way. She is getting much better at explaining to me how she hears things I say and what a better way to phrase them would be. It's really helpful.

I slept for thirteen hours yesterday, I think I'm still catching up on sleep  

[Feeling Better]

Hi hyacinth bucket

It was lovely to read your latest post, you are definitely making progress, slowly but surely, you should be very proud of yourself and your DD too.

It is really heartwarming to hear that your DD is working with you and can now tell you how she hears things that you say and also give you better ways of phrasing what you say. Hopefully things can only get better x

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Sleep tight HB  

She is trying hard still, she continues to surprise us with her insights into herself.

So my DD, keep going HB  

WDx