BPDstbx Found books I've been reading

[ImWideAwakenow]

I left my back pack in the car with two books, Stop Walking on Eggshells and Splitting. I've been keeping a close watch on it and trying to keep it from her. She's tried to get in there and look to see what I've got. I told her some self help books and she didn't have a right to demand to see what it was and that I have a right to privacy.

Well I left it in the car and while I was in the shower, she must have seen it and she comes walking in the bathroom with both books. How dare I read such books, it should be her that should be reading those books. I'm just as at fault and as abusive I'm told. How dare I diagnose her with BPD.

I was angry that she went through my things. She said that it's just as much hers since we aren't divorced yet. I told her I don't appreciate her invading my privacy. It wasn't I that diagnosed her with BPD, it's what the the LCSW that we've seen who did. I was a called a weak a** p***y for having to read such books. It was wrong that the T would make such a claim. Why didn't she diagnose me while we were seeing her?

I don't know how nonBPs can deal with situations and follow the steps to ease the tensions. I get caught up right away when I feel attacked.

[livednlearned]

Both of you have filed, and you're living in the same home still?

That's rough, and it's hard to move forward with your life when the legal/financial stuff has yet to play out.

she didn't have a right to demand to see what it was and that I have a right to privacy.

I'm not sure I could resist the temptation to see what my partner is reading 

Not that it's right, only that it would take a lot of self-control to ignore what books someone is reading, and wants those titles kept private.

I don't know how nonBPs can deal with situations and follow the steps to ease the tensions. I get caught up right away when I feel attacked.

There's a really good book called High Conflict Couple by Alan Fruzetti. It's for couples where there is BPD/NPD but I found it helpful even as a nonBPD person. The chronic conflict dynamic can jack up your nervous system and make you prone to fight/flight, creating two emotionally reactive people instead of just one.

There are some good skills in there that might help you when tensions are high on both sides.

[AnuDay]

Not to be mean, but you had to have seen this one coming.   I've seen it happen so many times.  When they finally find what you've been "hiding"... .KaBOOM!
You just have to try to ride it out and wait until she calms down in 3-5 weeks.  Hopefully something will come up that will distract her in that time. 
I would advise that you get a safe... .as long as it won't cause her to blow her lid. 

[ForeverDad]

Don't feel bad, this has happened to others.  One husband had his locked briefcase pried open.  Another's locked trunk was defeated by a tire iron or pry bar.  Another had his spouse arrive unannounced to his office while he was out and she told the staff "I wait for him in the office."  And his office was searched.

Those are just the physical actions.  Some have put spyware or key loggers onto the computers.  Even phones can be compromised.  Almost anything, reminds me of Mad Magazine's infamous Spy Vs Spy cartoons.

[ImWideAwakenow]

Taking my attorney's advice that I don't need to spend money if I don't need to. If I can tolerate living in our home, then I should stay. For the most part, we've stayed out of each other's way. Very little communication the past couple of weeks. She's tried to convince me that we should give it another try, that she doesn't want to see our family broken up.

That was a week ago before she took the kids on a road trip for several days. Now I think she gets it, there's no going back. She has plans to buy an RV and take the kids on a month long road trip traveling the country next month. This was a hot issue we've argued over many times. Neither one of us have any experience with RV'ing. She made these plans prior to the divorce and it looks like the circumstances doesn't change her plans. I've been back and forth about going. Saying yes probably due to FOG. I'm sure I'll miss the kids and I worry about the what ifs, but she will do whatever she has her mind set on. Always has.

I don't get it. My attorney advised me not purchase big ticket items. To continue with normal living expenses.

I'm not surprised that she'd not give my privacy respect. I guess I'm more angry with myself. I knew where it was and I didn't do a better job. Well at least it's not another thing I need to hide. But what will she do with the knowledge that I believe her to have BPD and that the T we saw believes It as well?

Liveandlearned, I'll be sure to get that book. I know that this relationship doesn't end just because we get divorced. We will have a lifelong relationship, or at least till the youngest one becomes an adult.

[Lugnut]

I served my udBPDstbxw divorce papers about 3 weeks ago. We are also still living in the same house. And like you we have been pretty much avoiding each other. Very few words are spoken between us.  It’s horrible. She is now convinced I have been having an affair for the past 6 months. Not true.My uBPDstbxw has been going through all my stuff too. My car, garage, opening my mail, calling my friends. Slandering on Facebook.  She has hacked my cell phone account and been trying to figure out my passcodes on my iPad and cell phone. She has become very angry in the past week or so. (I think she may have finally talked to a lawyer.) Even to the point I am becoming concerned about my own safety.
Even hers. She is not thinking rationally. She has even threatened suicide.
Then she starts telling me she wants to start marriage counseling again.
Ugh. I can’t wait until crazy is out of my life.

[zachira]

Probably for now, it is really not very comfortable or the best thing that she has found you reading books on BPD. Maybe in a very distant future many years after you are divorced, she might actually get help for her BPD because at least there is a name for her destructive behaviors. How terrible to have to hide how you feel about things or what you are doing because you have a wife who can't tolerate any kind of reasonable feedback. "Splitting" is a great choice for a read, and I hope you will have the chance to finish it, as the advice in there is spot on, and most of all as a caring father you want to do everything you can to protect your children and get a favorable custody agreement. Keep us posted, and let us know how you are doing, as there are many of us on this site who have been through divorce with a BPD woman, and others who have BPD family members who can support you in your journey. Take care and post anytime!

[ForeverDad]

She is not thinking rationally. She has even threatened suicide.

My conclusions about suicide comments.  It's one of two things, (1) real suicidal thoughts or (2) controlling or manipulative attempts to pressure you to comply or appease.  For most here, I believe it's about control or manipulation.  However, we spouses aren't expected to decide which it is, the advice from experts is to call for help and let the trained professionals decide.  (See the red emergency button at the bottom of each thread.)

Of course, you know what will happen... ."I didn't say that!"  So it's possible it may become your word against theirs.  Ponder how you can address that Predictable Denial.  Can you have witnesses hear it, maybe someone on the other end of a phone call you just happen to have made?  Or you can be recording yourself, ahem, and the other person just happens to get recorded too?  If you can't document the suicide comments, then it's probably hard for professionals to take a stand just on your word.