Breathing the air of freedom...

[pearlsw]

I am away! I am on the other side of the world and being taken care of. Food, fun & friendly conversation, just a chance to be very far away.

In the back of my mind I am a bit nervous for the kinds of dysregulated emails I may get while I am away and potential attempts to pressure me... .Sigh. I have to remind myself that it is important to validate and not push away or ignore them. I want to express concern, but not bend to any form of control... .

It is hard not to dream a bit while here... .imagine what it would be like to be alone and free to wander the world as I please... .if only for short spells. After today I do not expect to be alone so much, I'll be guided around and have more to do, but for now I am enjoying the chance to wind down after what seems like a really, really long day, and breathe out my exhaustion and sadness... .and just be.

It's amazing how being so far away and swallowed up by another part of the world and its cultures and languages... .let's me see how much bigger everything is than my problems "back home"... .

with a free heart  , pearl.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[snowglobe]

Oh, Pearl, I’m so happy for you! After all the turmoil, pain and threats you found some time to catch your breath. Regardless on how emotionaly intelligent one is, BPD world take its toll. Even treating therapists have a team, in fact, it can’t be DBT if it isn’t a team of therapists supporting each other. You need time to reflect, unload responsibility and guilt that came with these relationships, even if for a short time. Enjoy this very moment, breathe, converse, feel the feedback from other people. You are exceptionally strong and commited, most people, if they were in your shoes, wouldn’t last as long as you did. You are doin. Your best at any moment, you want to be happy, you thrive to grow, improve and you are motivated, you give back to this community with compassion and passion. Warm light and hug to you, hopefully this will be your retreat

[pearlsw]

Hi Snowglobe,

Wow! Thank you so much for that kind and uplifting message! You gave me a real boost today!

That is a good reminder! Even a therapist needs support to work with difficult folks, why wouldn't I?

Wishing you well in your struggles too!

with gratitude, pearl.

[Harley Quinn]

Enjoy every moment Pearl and restore your energy.  So glad to hear you are finding peace and calm.  You certainly deserve a break. 

Love and light x

[SunandMoon]

How wonderful Pearl! I love arriving in new destinations - places to see and people to meet, language, food... .shopping! 

I hope this time away helps recharge your energy and gives you the chance to remember who you are, away from the crazy.

Enjoy! x

[Caleb]

I only recently 'met' Pearl here, yet I sense her love and compassion for others, and her own pain, as Snowglobe so well expresses.

Enjoy your time away Pearl - you so deserve it - breathe it in. Value who you are and know you can make a difference in your life and those close to you; and through that others. Take care of yourself and know deep within that you are valued and can achieve and create what you deeply desire.

[pearlsw]

I only recently 'met' Pearl here, yet I sense her love and compassion for others, and her own pain, as Snowglobe so well expresses.

Enjoy your time away Pearl - you so deserve it - breathe it in. Value who you are and know you can make a difference in your life and those close to you; and through that others. Take care of yourself and know deep within that you are valued and can achieve and create what you deeply desire.

Wow Caleb! That is so beautiful! My sleep is a mess so I'm up early, I think! hee hee. I get to see and do some really exciting things today! (see ancient places, eat yummy food, laugh a lot I hope) I can't wait!  Yesterday my guides told me liked me because I smile a lot! That's good to know!

I like being away - that is for sure! Reminds me how great life can be!

hugs to all  , pearl.

[pearlsw]

How wonderful Pearl! I love arriving in new destinations - places to see and people to meet, language, food... .shopping!  

I hope this time away helps recharge your energy and gives you the chance to remember who you are, away from the crazy.

Enjoy! x

Hey sunandmoon,

Thank you, thank you!

I thought I could resist shopping, but there is so many cute things I don't think I'll be able to resist.  hee hee. I wasn't sure I'd feel as good here as I have in other places I've been since I don't know the language here at all, but I love it here so far! It's great to be with people who are actively trying to make me happy! hahahaaha. I think I will never see the world the same way, in a good way, after this visit!

[pearlsw]

Enjoy every moment Pearl and restore your energy.  So glad to hear you are finding peace and calm.  You certainly deserve a break.  

Love and light x

Yes HQ!

I had fun just checking out a bakery earlier! I had no idea what baked goods would be like here... .I had some yummy bread samples and some green colored cheese (didn't expect so much cheese here)! And they sometimes have funny English misspellings that make me smile too. I saw some fabric with the words "Believe in your selbe" misspelled on multiple printings... .I liked it so much though I wanted to buy one! It warms my typo ridden  . hee hee. Maybe another day! hee hee.

 

[Notgoneyet]

 Take every minute of it in & enjoy it to the fullest you so deserve it Pearl.
   Travel has always been so therapeutic for me, even a day trip can help improve my whole outlook for the week.
   So happy for you!
  NGY

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Pearlsw!

I'm so happy for you! As my T says to me, take time to do the 3 'R's': rest, restore, recuperate, and a fourth is recover. 

 
Wools

[pearlsw]

Take every minute of it in & enjoy it to the fullest you so deserve it Pearl.
   Travel has always been so therapeutic for me, even a day trip can help improve my whole outlook for the week.
   So happy for you!
  NGY

Hey Notgoneyet,

I had a pretty great day! I still can't believe I am here! It's incredible. Got to go for a nice hike, a boat ride, and see a palace... .that some ancient guy apparently built for a woman he loved.  I'd settle for so much less! haahhahaha.  Just some nice words.

thank you!

Hi Pearlsw!

I'm so happy for you! As my T says to me, take time to do the 3 'R's': rest, restore, recuperate, and a fourth is recover.  

 
Wools

Hey wools! Thank you too! I am gonna keep repeating those "r's" in my head! I think I'm doing pretty good on restore so far... .

with appreciation, pearl.

[braveSun]

I'd settle for so much less! haahhahaha.  Just some nice words.

     No you wouldn't!... . 

I'm coming in a bit late, just back on the boards. But I had to check how you were doing on your trip.

Love to hear you being in such great spirit, Pearl!...
A change of scenery is always a good thing.

I'm joining all the others, take good care of yourself, and enjoy!   

[pearlsw]

The agony of love:

Well, my trip is nearing its end. It’s been part work and part pleasure…and I have one last big work push before I go. I was giving myself a speech about it in the shower…regaling my love for my field of study…something I had to give up when I moved overseas…trying to find the right words for a presentation I must give…

It kills me to feel like my potential in life…went down the drain…and I know I could recover it…but…will I be brave enough to start over some day? To face life alone.

It’s been great to be away…spend long periods of the day out and experiencing new things. I notice my own thoughts and moods. People see me as calm and quiet. I am just not a pushy person and I daydream a lot lately…it helps to get away from it all.

I am not a pushover. I stand up for myself, but I am not a drama person…other people’s personalities are just so…much to deal with. I’ve been with a relative and colleague all week and I just…need more space. I want tranquility. It’s incredible to be in a country that places value on that….

I’ve talked to my SO a little while away…he seems like a stranger to me…expressing his love and desire to see me…I wish I didn’t know what I was heading back into…It’s always just a matter of time until things head south…

[pearlsw]

On the flight back:

Why after everything do I still hold onto the last tiny shred of a wish that we could work as a couple? I watch you sit everyday, watching videos on various topics to distract yourself…I see you [-- ----],  I see you trying to escape your pain with your alcohol and distractions…Your way of loving me is so full of pain…like being pounded with pain…I can still remember how much I wanted to make a difference in your life, not make up for all you had missed out on, but just start out new and fresh…But we started too soon in the wake of your divorce and it has nearly destroyed us. Remember when I used to say I would marry you again every single day? Those were the early years…and I felt that…I wanted to stand by you and help care for you and protect you…And you turned love into something ugly…something mean…and full of hate and pain…And why? And for what?

This illness, this push/pull took a massive mental toll on me…I understand more now, but…it’s probably too late…with all the damage done and the ways I’ve changed…I don’t want to hear any more how much you love me…to only have it followed by the intense pain you want me to feel to match yours…

Was it just the week before last…when you were trying to say the most insulting things you could think of about my body…just to hurt me…to “make me hate you” so bad I’d leave you?…I don’t care really, it’s all hot air, but you know I am not feeling so great and my health has deteriorated in the wake of your campaign of damage towards me so your words were intentional, and you said as much later…but I don’t listen to such things and you can’t break me with careless cruelty. My body is beautiful no matter what, and it will be back to what I like about it as I come out from under your latest waves of pain…and no matter what you say…I see strength and beauty in my body…and I will never let you squeeze the strength out of my spirit with your sad, cruel words... how you twist words and use the most poisonous ones…

Today when I get back you will want me to comfort you…you won’t ask much about what I did while away…the work…or what I saw and experienced…you will make it about you and your missing me…and I will comfort you because I can’t stand seeing that level of pain in you…that screaming pain coming out of your soul…I never said bad things about your body…I never would…Why? Why would I want you to hurt or feel bad? I did all I could to help you all these years in your efforts to deal with your physical pain issues…because I’m human and I cared, I still care…

You’ll ask once about my trip, but I won’t believe you are interested and I will disappear right before your eyes…what would it matter to share anything…when you take the details of my life and file them away to reprocess them into insults and accusations later…

I almost forget you sometimes on my list of lovers…though I live with you….because you…don’t give me a chance to miss you…You make me feel like a doll…in a cage…This is what you did to our love…We never really married exactly, not really, it was such an unplanned after thought, something neither of us wanted at that moment, but did because it was the only way to remain together…Sometimes you say I am your girlfriend instead of your legal wife…So, it’s just all fluid…and doesn’t matter…words don’t mean anything with you…

I used to dream of getting away…getting to a monastery… but even that silly half-baked dream is dead because of my physical aches and pains…I could simply never bend my knees for such long periods of time…but there will be other dreams…I love to talk to older folks…and cheer them…cheer anyone that will let me…

That’s the sad part…I want you to feel better and I wish I could be part of that for you….but I feel as I watch the hours of this flight count down that I am heading into the mouth of a wolf…Your mouth that wants to shred me and tear me to bits…so you can make me feel your pain. I do. I feel it. It is all around me…you made it a big part of my whole world into your pain.

Why can’t we just love each other with the sweet innocence of when we started?  Instead I get to grieve and watch as our love dies…and we both get to watch our dreams of a life together burn to the ground.

[pearlsw]

Going home:

I just read this and this is what I will do…

“Go back and take care of yourself. Your body needs you, your feelings need you, your perceptions need you. Your suffering needs you to acknowledge it. Go home and be there for all these things.” -Thich Nhat Hanh.

So I will go home and I will face whatever will come…Maybe you will love me today, maybe you will hate me…it’s really all one in the same…

Being back:

Thank you for the kindness…and chance to sleep.

[braveSun]

“Go back and take care of yourself. Your body needs you, your feelings need you, your perceptions need you. Your suffering needs you to acknowledge it. Go home and be there for all these things.” -Thich Nhat Hanh.

Sounds like a very wise perspective indeed.   

Your landing in beautiful words, Pearl!...

[Harley Quinn]

Do you have a 'safe space'?  Somewhere you feel calm and peaceful in your home?  I visualise candles, maybe an oil burner / incense, soft cushions, a cosy blanket -that sort of thing.  If so, get yourself vinyl lettering cut in nice script for the wall in that space which says these exact words:

Your body needs you, your feelings need you, your perceptions need you. Your suffering needs you to acknowledge it.

Maybe you like stationery (I find it strangely soothing... .) and could get a blank book upon the first page of which you could write it beautifully yourself.  Keep it on the table with a pen ready to write the next chapter of how your life is going to unfold with that at the forefront.

Love and light x

[pearlsw]

Do you have a 'safe space'?  Somewhere you feel calm and peaceful in your home?  I visualise candles, maybe an oil burner / incense, soft cushions, a cosy blanket -that sort of thing.  If so, get yourself vinyl lettering cut in nice script for the wall in that space which says these exact words:

Maybe you like stationery (I find it strangely soothing... .) and could get a blank book upon the first page of which you could write it beautifully yourself.  Keep it on the table with a pen ready to write the next chapter of how your life is going to unfold with that at the forefront.

Love and light x

Hey HQ,

What a sweet image. I would have to say such a place could only ever exist in my thoughts. It's a wonder I have even been able to "get away with" writing on this site for this long. A lot his big drama in the past year, I may have never said, has actually been around him nearly catching me here writing. No, there is no way to leave any writings about my thoughts and feelings out and about.

I occasionally tape things on the back of the door, "funnily" enough the one he yanked off it's hinges the other day, before my trip. As I was putting it back on I noticed I still had my Christmas tree up on the back of the door! Cha! The one I drew because I had my holidays totally alone. I am not taking it down. I need the reminder of what that version of my reality here is. I am not spending the holidays with him this year, that's for sure. I also keep the rules for fair fighting up there to remind me to be mindful of my own speech.

But I love that quote, and it was funny that I found it stashed away on my computer while I was on the plane. It was a nice surprise gift to myself! I've been repeating it a lot in my thoughts lately... .as a counter to my urge to want to escape... .Instead, I'm trying to be more mindful about sitting with my pain instead of daydreaming it away... .

love and light back atcha amiga, pearl. 

[Harley Quinn]

Pearl, am I right in saying that you spend a large portion of your r/s hearing about or experiencing the results of his thoughts and feelings?  Why do you believe that you can't act to correct that imbalance in a small way by making public a couple of phrases that are directed at you taking care of yourself?  Correct me if I'm wrong and you mean to tape this to the door next to your tree, of course! 

Even the ideal scenario book could contain such self promises as "I will do xyz every day to be my best self", or "I will start to be more active in my area of expertise as this is something I crave", "I want friendship back in my life outside of my marriage" - simple truths which you're entitled to rather than necessarily containing innermost private thoughts.  Your husband would only benefit from your doing that, one way or another.  I'm asking this question to 'past me' (within my BPD r/s and others), as much as to you.

Love and light x

[pearlsw]

Pearl, am I right in saying that you spend a large portion of your r/s hearing about or experiencing the results of his thoughts and feelings?  Why do you believe that you can't act to correct that imbalance in a small way by making public a couple of phrases that are directed at you taking care of yourself?  Correct me if I'm wrong and you mean to tape this to the door next to your tree, of course!  

Even the ideal scenario book could contain such self promises as "I will do xyz every day to be my best self", or "I will start to be more active in my area of expertise as this is something I crave", "I want friendship back in my life outside of my marriage" - simple truths which you're entitled to rather than necessarily containing innermost private thoughts.  Your husband would only benefit from your doing that, one way or another.  I'm asking this question to 'past me' (within my BPD r/s and others), as much as to you.

Love and light x

Hey HQ,

Oh! Maybe I pictured this wrong! Sure I could put something up on the door. Actually, at some point in the past, seems long ago now, he was interested in the Fair Fighting rules and asked me to post them where he could see them every day. (Not that he has enough self-control to follow them a lot of the time with his emotional reactivity... .) And I also put up something on the wall near where he likes to sit in the living room to help him think of things to say when I speak. For example, I would often speak to him and he had no basic clue how to respond. I'd say "I don't feel well" and be met with silence. That did not make me very happy to say the least. So, I helped him with that and he learned to validate a bit. He'll say "I'm sorry you feel bad. I care. etc., etc." He could not think in the moment to say such things on his own. After awhile he kinda memorized it... .and it is something we can joke and laugh about. It's better than nothing as a response... .

I just mean I would not leave any writing around that he could find about my inner most thoughts, etc. I used to think he would never snoop into my private things laying about, but I've caught him doing so. In public even! (We were out having a nice time once and when I returned he was rummaging through my small backpack. I was shocked and walked out. This was not recent, but still... .)

He is just not easy to talk to... .Yesterday he was expressing a lot of excitement and interest towards me and again telling me how'd he never break up with me again, blah, blah, blah.

I was surprised that he actually made quite a concession. He said he understood that I don't want to do his next kid's visit this summer with him. He still wants me to participate to some extent, and I can do some amount of it, maybe, but he (to my surprise) gets that he's ruined things a bit. This was going fairly well, then something came up about him talking with a family member of mine 6 months ago and we reopened old wounds and got into a disagreement. Oh, my gosh! I think I got sent to my room! (I naturally have to laugh when I think how ridiculous that is.) It's the middle of the night and I am awake now, but I went to my room, by choice.  It was good not to escalate things more, and I read a bit, and drifted off to sleep early.

I think, I am not sure, sometime in the night he came by to hug me while I was resting and then left. We earlier argued about his refusal to apologize for something he did in the past that crossed a huge line for me - him contacting my family for "help" with me. It was a little foolish on my part, he probably has already apologized for this and I should have left it alone, but I told him that may be a thing in his culture, but not in mine. Frankly, I... .it was/is dealbreaker material for me. It pisses me off. He did things that have damaged my relationships with my family- for life. This is one reason I won't protect him anymore when/if we break our "marriage contract". He f--ked with my family and that is a no go for me. So anyway, he got mad that I was mad, and he told me to stay away from him for the night. This was nothing I minded in all honesty, and I retreated to a happier alone place.

Oh, funny thing, now that I am thinking, the conversation actually did get to a moment where he wanted to know if I wanted to break up. If I had decided already. (He notices I am not so expressive towards him as he is towards me. I say "thank you" now, naturally, when he says "I love you." Only when really pushed by some factor can I say "I love you" in return.) So, we are getting to that point I think. He's had a lot of chances with me, and he is just, I recognize, not someone you can ever truly resolve things with. His version of "resolution" is to either sweep things under the rug, or think of himself more than me, or... .ignore. He just does not have reliable or necessary relationship skills. If not for the break up stuff I'd probably work with him, get myself to love him more again, but... .right now I am just not feeling it... .I try to be friendly, funny, pleasant and have a wait and see attitude, but... .

I am trying to honor a promise we made to wait until October to make a final decision about our relationship... .but he also said that... .well, he's already made his decision, he wants to be together, but then... .he says other stuff... .and it's clear that he will likely never be able to break his break up pattern - and he blames me for this being his way sometimes. This is absolutely him and I am the only one who can put a final stop to all this I think.

He does apologize to me sometimes, I have to admit there was some of that in the conversation before it crossed a line for both of us, and he said "there is something wrong with my brain" and he asks me to love him and be with him... .and says he is "sorry, he never meant to hurt me or anyone." He says that he'd rather die than "hurt me." Sigh.

A certain part of me would still like to make it work, I'm just built that way in terms of relationships, but I think that is my non, non-quitter brain messaging me. Other parts of me say... .this is no longer worth saving... .there is simply not enough happiness/connection here and I've ended relationships in the past over far far less... .but happiness was never something I was pursuing in life, as dumb as that probably sounds. I was philosophical and dismissive of "happiness"... .but sometimes the simple litmus test on happy is best: Does this make me happy, yes or no? And if no, don't do it.  

It just bums me out that... .what we had... .got so damaged and ruined, and that I had a role in that and can't undo it. I hate for love turn into this... .and I hate to have to go through a breakup, though at this point I am sure it will be far less painful than previous ones... .

thanks for listening! ~ pearl.

[Harley Quinn]

Frankly, I... .it was/is dealbreaker material for me. It pisses me off. He did things that have damaged my relationships with my family- for life. This is one reason I won't protect him anymore when/if we break our "marriage contract". He f--ked with my family and that is a no go for me.

... .Oh, funny thing, now that I am thinking, the conversation actually did get to a moment where he wanted to know if I wanted to break up. If I had decided already.

Hi Pearl,

Yes I suspected you were meaning innermost thoughts when I posted my reply.  Glad to know you may keep the quote around yourself as a visual reminder. 

Regards the deal breaker.  Do you feel that what was said is something you've been holding back that had to come out?  I know how hard it can be to have something that continues to eat at you long after it's done, and feel like it's unresolved.  How do you feel after saying your piece?

When he asked about the plan to break up on your part, how did you respond?  Being put on the spot like that had to be tough for you, unless you'd already considered what you'd say.   

Getting sent to your room made me laugh also.  It's good that you relaxed and got some rest.  Sounds like that is your safe space after all.

Love and light x



 

[pearlsw]

Hi Pearl,

Yes I suspected you were meaning innermost thoughts when I posted my reply.  Glad to know you may keep the quote around yourself as a visual reminder.  

Regards the deal breaker.  :)o you feel that what was said is something you've been holding back that had to come out?  I know how hard it can be to have something that continues to eat at you long after it's done, and feel like it's unresolved.  How do you feel after saying your piece?

When he asked about the plan to break up on your part, how did you respond?  Being put on the spot like that had to be tough for you, unless you'd already considered what you'd say.    

Getting sent to your room made me laugh also.  It's good that you relaxed and got some rest.  Sounds like that is your safe space after all.

Love and light x

I'm joking a bit about the room stuff... .he just said he didn't want to see me for the rest of the night. I basically only had that room to go to to make that dream come true for him.  We laughed about it later. When calm he can take teasing about his "craziness" surprisingly well sometimes.

He caught me off guard with asking me if I wanted to break up. I have trained myself not to share my thoughts as if he was a non. With a non I’d just say it, “Yeah, I’m thinking about breaking up. Want to talk about it?” With him, I know he might seem to be caring and listening at the time, but he’ll ruminate, obsess, worry, etc. and that much premature honesty will bring me nothing but grief. I’m already getting grief because he notices I do not say “I love you” like I normally have in the past. Sigh.

If I break with him I have to go in decisive and with no turning back. Lead the breakup if I at all possibly can. I think he may resist. I want to be ready to not be won back over. It will be hard for me not to try if he wants to try. I’m just built that way. With a non I could gradually talk him into a breakup. How he reacts is so unpredictable.

The family stuff is tough because it is unresolved. I think this basically went in my favor. He gets that he better not talk to my family behind my back or ask them for “help” with me. Geez. It is partly his culture vs. mine. But since it is my family, we do it my way or there will be hell to pay. On family stuff I am pretty hardcore. I will not tolerate any crap about or against them, that is my culture. And his culture can take a backseat, or jump in the lake on this point. That is how much I’d fight for them against anyone. He knows me, I’ve stood up for him too in other settings, against his lawyer for example when he could not defend himself but I fought for him and helped him tremendously. But no one gets to trash my family to me even one sentence. Hell no.

In fairness to him he had apologized previously, but he undermines a lot of his own words so his apologizes don't last forever.

He was basically saying my mom sided with him over some of our issues, I told him she may have, until she heard the whole story from me, and heard how he has treated me. (I hadn’t put that on blast to anyone back home until he forced my hand.) At that point, naturally, hearing of the emotional abuse/break up threats for years, she was with me and not him and respected my guidance on interacting with him - nothing goes on behind my back between them is my policy. No discussions about me. I think I de-fanged him on this, but he is capable of anything and not to be underestimated. His culture is real eye for an eye.

thanks for the support!

~pearl.

[braveSun]

 

He was basically saying my mom sided with him over some of our issues, I told him she may have, until she heard the whole story from me, and heard how he has treated me. (I hadn’t put that on blast to anyone back home until he forced my hand.) At that point, naturally, hearing of the emotional abuse/break up threats for years, she was with me and not him and respected my guidance on interacting with him

Wow Pearl, that must have been hard for you to experience that...

I like that you have your own room for yourself. I could not do well without it for any extended length of time. Even though, do you feel like you cannot have anything in there that he will not be able to snoop into? When having a car I would go park by the water somewhere and just breathe in the fresh air. Watch the moving water for a while. Having a safe space can make a good bit of difference.

Pearl, am I right in saying that you spend a large portion of your r/s hearing about or experiencing the results of his thoughts and feelings?

This is something I've struggled with for a long time before realizing I was doing it. It's a normal non's reaction, still... processing all of this takes up a whole lot of energy and time.

Even having my own room to go to as a safe space, I would diminish my need for space alone because if I'd find myself sitting there in silence, I'd have to see my own thoughts rolling on and on. There are times it takes me a while to come down.