Just looking for others who "get it"

[BushelAndAPeck]

Hello!

I have been married to my husband for over a decade. I love him dearly and he's a wonderful man. He has triggers and I've learned how to avoid some of them. I've learned how to diffuse and distract and be available while distancing myself on the inside. I have a solid group of girlfriends - I love them dearly but I don't talk about my husband because we are all friends. I don't want to sour their opinions of him. My husband is seeing a counselor, and I think it is going strongly. There are still times, though. Like today. He's improved so much and tapped into alot of insight. Today he admitted that he had a wonderful morning, felt great, then within five minutes, wanted to explode. My wonderful man disappeared and an angry, bitter, paranoid one took his place. It's days like this that I'd love to talk to someone who knows what I'm referring to. Who doesn't think this is impossible, but understands that it's hard. That's all. TIA.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi BushelAndAPeck! 

You've come to the right place to get support from those who really do understand. I'm very glad you found us. 

It is so helpful to have a group of friends for support (we all need them), and it's also good to have a group such as you've found here who is able to grasp what you are going through. My mom was uBPD and then I married someone with traits similar to hers. There are times when it is very tough to hang in there through the unpredictable mood swings, yet I do love my husband like you do yours. I've been married for 33 years now.

It's good news that he's seeing a T. Are you in any T as well, individually? Do you feel it would be helpful for you?

Is there anything in particular that you feel when he switches to the angry man?

 
Wools

[RolandOfEld]

Hi BushelAndAPeck, let me join Woolspinner2000 in welcoming you! All of us here understand your unique struggles which are very hard to explain to others with "normal" lives.

Here I have found tremendous support and guidance that has helped me more towards taking my life back than any book or therapist. Please keep posting and posting on other member's threads to get insights on your situation and gather more support for your own threads.

Besides learning to avoid triggers, I think it's helpful to try and understand what's beneath them. For my wife the biggest is my FOO (family of origin). For the longest time I felt convinced by her that they were bad people, but now I believe that it has a lot more to do with the fact that she was in many respects abandoned by her family, through a possible adoption, growing up as a latchkey kid, and her parents' early death. But finding reasons to destroy the relationship with my family, she can be spared the pain of going through it again as well as transfer some of the pain to me.

What do you think tends to trigger your husband the most?

~ROE

[Beren2016]

Hi and welcome

i have found a lot of helpful people here and their advice has helped me understand my girlfriend and her BPD, and like is mentioned above the emotions behind her actions.

from my personal experience i would like to add to the situation with your husband that you detailed in your post that I personally find that after a really good day or situations (eg. good day out, good day emotionally, productive day in her life) it makes it more likely that there will be a drop in her mood, a emotional crisis or sudden conflict and break up threats... .

im 80% sure there is a psychological term for this and but i think/feel it is related to having such a positive day that the emotions becomes overwhelming and this causes the emotional dis-regulation and the resulting crisis, abandonment fears can come into this situation in a big way also. 

looking into validation and avoiding absolute statements that can transmit a feeling of "you have done well your recovery is over" seem to help my girlfriend, try to praise the good days while saying  that there is still some of the path left to travel.

i hope that i helped and good luck in the future

[BushelAndAPeck]

Thank you so much for all of your supportive replies! And thought-provoking questions!

Beren2016, you made a smart point. Often when I feel caught most by surprise is when I've triggered him on the tail end of a great day/morning/afternoon.

RolandOfEld, at one of our darkest, lowest points, he was angry much more often than he was stable. He was convinced that my failure to cook each meal to his liking, school the children to his liking, keep home, contribute, host, etc. to his unpredictable standards, was all proof that I didn't love him. There is a long backstory that involves his father divorcing many women and blaming each of them for his demise. So much of his internal dialogue is just a script from childhood.

He feels threatened when responsibility is imposed on him (from home or work), or when I have a significant difference in opinion. Some days he is totally capable of handling these scenarios, and I think his tolerance is improving. He can explain himself better lately. He fears disrespect as he defines (or "feels" it, and the implication of disinterest or eventual abandonment. He fears disappointment from bosses and sometimes freezes all efforts in light of that fear. He was fired from and resigned from five jobs in the past six years. I began to notice a pattern - when responsibilities increased, he did less and less because he was sure his efforts were going to disappoint. After getting fired a couple of times, he was hired again quickly and then resigned from a couple of good jobs for fear that he was going to be fired. Does that make sense, Woolspinner2000?

Also to answer your first question, I would benefit wonderfully from some time on the couch. I feel it's such a victory to see him getting himself to individual counseling, admitting to his overwhelming anxiety, and discussing the possibility of BPD, that I want to focus all of our energy on his time right now. I'm thinking about a local support group (for ppl w/spouses that struggle with mental health problems - kinda generic) that meets nearby. Just haven't found the courage to tell him about it.

Recently we were talking about his anxieties - he was trying to understand them better. After more than an hour of it, I told him I needed a break in the conversation - his response was "You might as well tell me to go jump off a bridge". He'll take something I've said about myself and read himself into it. Before I know it, he's all balled up and anxious and I'm kicking myself for not filtering better. And then I long so deeply for my partner who once was able to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with me. Hold me up every so often. And then I put it away again because it does no-one any good to wallow.

I struggle to know how to vent (and keep bitterness from welling up), while maintaining due respect for him. It doesn't feel right to tattle on all his worst moments, but the more I say (or type) out loud, the more I understand him.

sigh... .I'm so sorry guys. This was a bona-fide rant. 

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Bushel,

Please do not apologize. You are not ranting, just sharing honestly how you feel, which makes it much easier for us to understand your situation. And if you ever do just need to rant, please by all means, rant away! This is a safe place and you can say whatever you need to.

RolandOfEld, at one of our darkest, lowest points, he was angry much more often than he was stable. He was convinced that my failure to cook each meal to his liking, school the children to his liking, keep home, contribute, host, etc. to his unpredictable standards, was all proof that I didn't love him.

I received a Masters level course in why I didn't love her on my way out this morning. It included the fact I bought her chocolate (while she was treating me like garbage all week), which she doesn't like and just shows I don't know her. Even though she loved the chocolate I got her a few weeks ago and had directly instructed me to buy her chocolate when she is upset. (See, you're not the only one who's ranting this morning  .The best we can do is try not to internalize these words. I try to think of them as coming from her illness, not her, and it helps me. I basically pretend I'm talking to a tumor, gross as that sounds.

I struggle to know how to vent (and keep bitterness from welling up), while maintaining due respect for him. It doesn't feel right to tattle on all his worst moments, but the more I say (or type) out loud, the more I understand him.

My T (therapist) said something to me recently that was of huge help. I told her all my anger and bitterness was finally reaching critical mass and I felt like I was about to explode. She told me stress and pressure builds up over time and explodes, but emotions don't. She said I had just changed into someone who couldn't accept these things anymore and my anger was a response to that. Your bitterness might not be accumulated. It's more likely that you've already changed from someone who could tolerate these behaviors to someone who can't. You are trying to maintain respect for him while he gives absolutely none to you and then lectures you about how you don't respect him. That would make anyone deeply bitter. I felt very guilty when I first came here, too. But by coming here and sharing you are in no way disrespecting him (it's anonymous after all), only respecting yourself.

I think it's fantastic he's in therapy and discussing the possibility of BPD. Regarding the support group, I think it's a wonderful idea but telling him what it's for might not be. It might just provoke shame or guilt in him that comes back at you. What do you think about telling him you joined a meditation class or book club? Or if you want to strike closer to home, tell him it's a codependents anonymous group. Not saying your codependent (I am), but putting the emphasis on your own mental health might sit better with him and make life much easier for you.

~ROE

[BushelAndAPeck]

Thanks again for your support! So encouraging.

I do think I'll consider framing the support group idea more neutrally - that's a great idea.

I think it's fantastic he's in therapy and discussing the possibility of BPD. Regarding the support group, I think it's a wonderful idea but telling him what it's for might not be. It might just provoke shame or guilt in him that comes back at you. What do you think about telling him you joined a meditation class or book club? Or if you want to strike closer to home, tell him it's a codependents anonymous group. Not saying your codependent (I am), but putting the emphasis on your own mental health might sit better with him and make life much easier for you.

~ROE

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi again BushelAndAPeck,

When I first started in T, I was very afraid and concerned about saying anything negative about DH (dear husband). I thought I was just complaining. However I've learned that it isn't complaining when I need to talk about the struggles going on in my marriage and within me. It's allowing me to verbally process the things I wasn't free to say to DH because of his reaction to what I'd say. I began to implode, shut down, and became more and more lonely because all I did was listen to his processing and there was no one to hear or care for me.

It took courage to begin to speak to my T to finally begin to get help for me to
1. Meet my emotional needs in a healthy way
2. Give me an opportunity to have a better understanding of my marriage
3. A support group who wouldn't judge me but would be my safe place

And that's just a few of the options. I think it's great that you're considering attending this support group. Does it meet when he is gone to work so that you wouldn't even have to tell him? Or could you say that you would like to learn how to support him better, and that is why you want to attend? This could be a great group for support for you.

Thank you for answering my questions btw. An option for those long detailed talks that anyone needs a break from is something my T has helped me with. You can say, "Excuse me but I need to go to the bathroom," or put the tea kettle on to boil and get up to make yourself tea when it whistles, thus escaping. Or perhaps make sure the laundry is running so that you need to get up and transfer it to the dryer when the timer goes off. Does the dog need to be let out? Lots of legit reasons to slip away from an intense conversation. What do you think?

 
Wools

[BushelAndAPeck]

I was going to try the support group a couple of nights ago. I'll try again next Monday.

I think he had a crisis on Monday. Or maybe hit rock bottom? (God, please let this be rock bottom)
He was literally sobbing and asking me to keep the kids from "seeing him like this". *I* have never seen him like this. I called up some men/mentors in our life and they took him out to coffee. But they don't know that this is a cycle. The lowest he's ever been, but he will cycle back up (like he's already done). And then can I call them again if he goes this low again? There's no way to explain this, I tell myself. I think he was having suicidal thoughts, but he wasn't speaking much. Just crying and saying "I can't do this. I'm not cut out for this". All because his boss asked him to be more assertive.

He's been doing some tough EMDR work in T. Is all of this a sign of a corner turned? He didn't rage. He cried. First time ever. But has the rage kept him from giving up all these years?

I'm nervous to leave him alone. He's back to work like it was all nothing, but he has stressful meetings every other day. Which one will break him again?

I really, really hope that this is all a sign of progression. A sign that therapy is softening him and will soon show him how to receive the strengths and failures of this world with more grain of salt than rock and a hard place.

I can tell that I'm getting much better at numbing. Keeping the kids busy this summer and catering to his multiple requests per day to help him cope with the stress. I long desperately for Sundays because we have so many encouraging friends at church. I can genuinely smile and make eye contact and expect to have a few two-way conversations. This season will be just a season, I'm sure of it. I don't want to fear the false summit.

 I began to implode, shut down, and became more and more lonely because all I did was listen to his processing and there was no one to hear or care for me.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi BaP, it's hard for me to evaluate if your husband's recent behaviors are a sign of progress or not. My wife has started some new medications recently so I'm also keeping an eye out for changes. Have you noticed anything else different in how he acts or interacts with you?

What I can say confidently is that it sounds like you've taken some terrific action with regards to reaching out of support. I'm curious to know more about the mentors and how you framed the situation for them.

~ROE

[BushelAndAPeck]

Hi BaP, it's hard for me to evaluate if your husband's recent behaviors are a sign of progress or not. My wife has started some new medications recently so I'm also keeping an eye out for changes. Have you noticed anything else different in how he acts or interacts with you?

What I can say confidently is that it sounds like you've taken some terrific action with regards to reaching out of support. I'm curious to know more about the mentors and how you framed the situation for them.

~ROE

Major differences in how he interacts with me. He's talking a whole lot - wants to process his thoughts constantly. Asks for alot of support. He is expressing remorse and sadness, and admitting to his past default response of anger to everyday stressors. He seems to be more fully experiencing his anxiety and depression. Objectively, I can see how this is a wonderful step forward.

Reaching out to his mentors - these three men have been in our lives through church, dinner groups, etc. for 5+ years. I know they're all up for grabbing a drink and talking about mid-life man stuff. I just texted each of them and apologized for the abruptness, explained that stress was overwhelming him, that I was worried and knew he'd benefit from some time with friends. One met him that night, another called right away, and a third met him for coffee the next afternoon.  We get together with these couples/families once a month or more.

[RolandOfEld]

Admitting to fast wrongs is a BIG step. Does he phrase it as an apology to you? Does he show any awareness of the pain he caused?

These are useful insights for me as well. My wife has been on anti-depressant medications for the past few weeks since the doctor also identified her as having extreme depression. She has still been having episodes but it seems like she is able to return to baseline faster than in the past. I'm not sure if this is in my head or for real but I'm watching. Medication isn't the solution but it's certainly part of one.

~ROE