First timer, still love her though

[crestfallen1972]

My relationship is clearly over.

I have known this woman from my townhome complex for years never having struck up a conversation with her. This past March we met up during a snowstorm and met out in town for some drinks. She is 12 years my junior which is different for me as I tend to like older women or at those that are my age. I am 46, she is 34.

I know her sister, not well and we have many mutual artists/musician friends in our local community. We went back to my place where she surprisingly kissed me which led to other things. I had no idea she was even gay so it took me by surprise. I fell for her right away. When somebody makes the first move (which honestly never happens for me with women) it is intoxicating.

We hung out off/on for 2 months. I introduced her to some of my friends, she introduced me to some of hers. I thought she really liked me. We played pool and drank a lot. Actually I was drinking more than I ever have when we were hanging out. I was filled with nervous jitters/butterflies and was on top of the world thinking I had a real connection with this person.

I knew her and her family were estranged. I had no idea why. I guess in hindsight I was being ignorant. I knew there was a falling out but didn't press the issue because I didn't want her mood to go all sour as it sometimes did.

This woman had lost her job last year and has been on unemployment since. Her days seemed to be filled with sleeping, smoking cigarettes and drinking. I knew these were red flags but went along none the less. I just lit up when I saw her so I thought that that meant something... ."the heart wants what the heart wants" and all that crap.

We had only consummated the relationship a couple times and she didn't really like to talk about her feelings about sex. I didn't push it. We hung out some more and then last weekend happened.

To say I was blindsided is putting it mildly. I have been walking around in a haze for 8 days now. It all started when I went out to see some local music with friends. I had invited her earlier in the week to come along. She was landscaping all day and sent me a text saying "home now, half dead" I took that as a sign she wasn't going to come along since she didn't really even bring up the concert at all that week. So I said, okay see you tomorrow then? "sure" she wrote.

okay. cool. I meet up with my friends at a restaurant and we walk to the show and had a great time. At midnight I get a text during the show:

"I'm pretty sure this isn't going to work out. It was really fun hanging out and I like your art, but please don't contact me anymore. You've got your priorities and I can't say I don't agree with you, but this getting upset is unnecessary bull___ and we both need to move on."

Okay so the "priorities" thing is in reference to her sister who is a painter. I had asked her sister to meet me to make an introduction to a local gallery owner whose gallery might want to show a piece of mine. This must have triggered some family stuff because she used me NOT inviting her to the concert as the reason she was so hurt but then came to my home and yelled at me how insensitive I was and that I'm wrong she never broke up with me... .paranoid because she now thinks I'm talking all her personal stuff around town and threatening me to do the same with some very personal stuff in confided in her. When she left my house I had a panic attack. My heart was beating so fast and I just cried into a blanket in the fetal position for 5 minutes. I have no idea who this person whonwas verbally attacking me and saying she never liked me to begin with was. I cannot believe I didn't see this coming. I feel destroyed/shattered and confused.

I read Stop Walking on Eggshells TWICE which was a huge help. My friends have been great but they didn't know her on the level I did and none of them have any experience with BPD.

Full disclosure: this woman has been in therapy off/on since she was 8. She owes money to a local mental health facility (which I did not question) does not have insurance and had been in inpatient care 10 years ago for something relating to a breakdown. I should have seen this coming.

Soo I live ACROSS THE STREET from this person. I want peace. I do not want conflict. I am at work right now and am just hoping she's not digging up my flowers or trying to burn down my house.  All because she perceives this rejection from me, breaks it off and then denies breaking it off. But I'm the piece of ___. I'm insensitive for texting her sister (who I am not even close to) about an art gallery and not nagging her to come to a show that she never expressed interest in attending in the first place.

I want to help her but after reading obsessively about BPD I know these people aren't interested in admitting that there's a problem or getting help. I believe (pardon the arm-chair diagnosis) that there is definitely some kind of narcissistic personality disorder/anxiety/depression and a raging alcohol problem in the mix as well.
Looking back she never really gave a ___ about me. She probably never liked me to begin with. I have been informed by her bro-in-law that this is what she does and he assured me that it's not me, but it still doesn't take away the same I now feel about having ever gotten involved with her.  Even more ridiculous is that I still love her. I have been N/C for 5 days.

Absolutely crushed.
I feel better typing this out tho.

bless all of you dealing with this.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[crestfallen1972]

So I get home from work and she texts me. "May I talk to you"

I say yes, text is fine. She asks if she can talk to me on the phone.

We speak on the phone.

She apologizes and says she never meant to hurt me.

She invites me to come over, I'm ashamed that I may just go.
I don't know what state she is in. She may be drunk. I told her that she scares me when she yells at me and she tearfully apologized.  Holy hell. I don't know what to do... .

I told her that the only thing I want from her is civility. (Disclosure: I'm a designer and have a HUGE project that is just getting started and is going to be an 8 day turnaround - so I know I don't need this aggravation) Civility in our neighborhood is all I ask.

I have no freaking idea what I'm walking into if I go over there. I took a xanax because when I saw that she texted me my heart began pounding like crazy.

I'm detaching with love, that is my goal. If she raises her voice I'm out of there. I just can't believe this I am far too old for this crap.

Anyone got any advice? Could use some right now... .

[Harri]

Hi crestfallen.  I am glad you found us as many here can relate to your situation.  Relationships with pwBPD (people with BPD) can be very confusing and painful as you have seen.  The good news is that things can and frequently do get better.  

You said you wanted to help her.  A lot of us want to help our SOs and exes etc, but as you said, there really is nothing you can do unless and until they want help.  The best thing you can do, for yourself most of all, is to learn about boundaries and how to set them and learn communication strategies that can help stop conversations from escalating into conflict.  I mention that only because you expressed interest in having a civil relationship as you live across the street.  If you both can be civil it will certainly make life simpler.  If you are interested in reading about them I can give you links when you are ready.

Do you want to meet with her?  What do you think would happen if you took a few days to think about it?

I have been informed by her bro-in-law that this is what she does and he assured me that it's not me, but it still doesn't take away the same I now feel about having ever gotten involved with her.  Even more ridiculous is that I still love her.

I'm detaching with love, that is my goal.

I agree with her BIL in that very little of what she did had anything to do with you.  pwBPD are largely driven by fear and anxiety.  As for still loving her, well of course you do.    You were in a relationship and she was important to you.  You can't just turn off your love.  It doesn't work that way.  The thing to remember, especially if you do visit, is that love does not need to be acted on.  If detaching with love is your goal, remember that.  You can still act in loving ways without getting involved.

Keep us posted on your situation and on whether or not you decide to meet with her.  

You have found an excellent place for support and understanding and I am glad you posted.

[crestfallen1972]

So I met with her. I went over to her house, after locking mine because I don't know what the hell is going on anymore.

We talked, she apologized, I called her out on every falsehood/distortion of our conflict.

She promised never to yell and explode at me like that again when I explained that that upsets me very much.

We ended up having sex and I'm not happy with myself for giving in so easily to her. She's sucking me in, just like most of the other stories on these message boards. She's going to get me all wrapped up again in emotion and then yank it away.

I'll believe her promises as time progresses. I asked what now? She says "Let's take it slow" I spent my whole night elated and ashamed at the same time. That's a strange combo I don't experience very much. She says she doesn't deserve me because she is such a "bum" I don't disagree and deflect at all  and I tell her yes, but you shouldn't get a job and get your life together for ME. You need to do it for YOU and you are going to be 35 so it's kind of time to stop living rent free in your dad's place and start adulting. We'll see how long this honeymoon lasts as I am now going to say what I really feel like it or not. I won't bring up BPD as a direct "You have this affliction" but I really do think that she has this. I don't know what to do. I feel better today because of the affection and the civility we now have but I'm not harnessing my hopes on this one at all.

I'll be crawling back to this message board after the next devaluing I suppose.

Harri, Thank you for your response, I would greatly appreciate the links you spoke of to help foster a more conflict-free friendship with her.

Thank you everyone. I'll be back!

[Harri]

Hi crestfallen1972.  Thanks for getting back to this thread, I wondered how things went with the meeting.

Lots of our members get back together so please know you are not alone.  One thing I do want to caution you on, and forgive me if it is not needed, and that is to pay more attention to her actions rather than her apologies and promises.  It is too easy in the emotional upheaval of getting back together to ignore things that we should pay attention to.  I know for me, there was always a relief that things were going well and they liked me again that I ignored common sense.  So see how things go. 

I am glad you are resolved to speak up as often times we can squash down our emotions until we either get numb and lose ourselves in the process or we explode.  So yes, I will share some articles and tools to aid your communication with her.

The first and easiest is Don't JADE.  JADE stands for justify, argue, defend, explain.  Often times when a conflict is starting we want to explain our side or view.  Normally that is okay, but with pwBPD our explanations can come across as invalidating and that can cause them to dysregulate even more.  Another reason to not jade is because it can give the appearance that we are trying to hide something.  My main reason for not JADEing is because it often feels like begging to me.  I was raised by a uBPD/uSchizophrenic mother so I am reluctant to beg, plead, or try to reason with a disordered person. 

Another thing to remember is to not invalidate the pwBPD.  We have articles that discuss Validation Skills, Stop Invalidating Others and some of the pitfalls to avoid.  You do want to be careful to not validate what is not valid though.  It can get a little tricky.  When they are talking and are upset you have to try to find something that is true and focus on that rather than on everything that is 'wrong' with what they are saying.  It is hard and sometimes frustrating but (!) validating a person feelings, which are always valid, can go a long way in calming people and helping things to not escalate. 

Not validating is then best followed up with S.E.T. which stands for sympathy, empathy, and truth.  We also have an article on that (no surprise there right?)  This one takes a bit more practice but can become a useful life skill as many of our members have said.

We have many more articles but I do not want to load you down with reading right now.  When you are ready you can look through the Learning Center section of the site and find articles and workshops that appeal to you. 

I am going to recommend that you post on our Bettering Board.  The people who post there are all trying to work on their relationships and are quite skilled with the tools I linked you to.  I also think it is good to read there to get a good idea of what many BPD relationships look like and how the posters there are able to handle things. 

I'll be crawling back to this message board after the next devaluing I suppose.

We will be here whether you are crawling or not.  It is a good idea to read and post here when things are going well rather than when you are emotionally upset and things are chaotic.  It is much easier to focus on what you want to do in terms of continuing a relationship, trying to learn the tools and come to terms with your emotions when things are going well.  Regardless, we will be here.   

[crestfallen1972]

Thank you Harri, I will be re-re-re-reading these threads to try to gain an understanding and to try to communicate with her. I won't sacrifice my own mental health though as ultimately she will need to do this for herself. I think the alcoholism isn't helping her condition.

You are so kind.

[spero]

Howdy crestfallen1972,

I'd like to join Harri in welcoming you to the boards.

How are you keeping since the last time you've shared about the things that have happened?

Hope that you're project is going on well.

Takecare,
Spero

[once removed]

I'll be crawling back to this message board after the next devaluing I suppose.

why? you can get real, real time feedback and support here as these struggles come up. thats when we need it the most.

We'll see how long this honeymoon lasts as I am now going to say what I really feel like it or not.

if you take this approach, it will crash and burn very quickly.

theres a lot of understandable resentment, crestfallen1972. it should be acknowledged and processed. airing it with her though, at this fragile stage of reversing a breakup, is not a recipe for success.

sure right now she is going to bend over backwards to own the problems in the relationship. she wants it back. ive been in her position myself. more than likely, if you hit her with resentments and injustices from the previous incarnation of the relationship, shes going to eventually respond with her own, and very quickly this will turn into a rehashing of the same stuff with both parties fighting to be heard and have their hurts acknowledged.

I'll believe her promises as time progresses. I asked what now? She says "Let's take it slow"

this couldnt be clearer. its a good strategy in a fragile stage. right now is a time in which keeping things light, upbeat, fun, and reminding each other of why you were attracted to each other in the first place yields the best results.

but you have real, long term, concerns and distrust. i know. and theres a time and place (in phases) where it will help to discuss things as a couple, and work to get on the same page.

how are things right now?