New to site-seeking advice with Christian perspective coping w/adult BPD sister

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello,
I've wanted to access this site for advice on coping with adult sister with BPD while upholding my biblical world view/principles. I'm caring for elderly parent, dealing with personal chronic disease, working full-time and my sister (in late 50's) is unaware that she has BPD. (I spoke with a therapist friend to obtain diagnosis - and previously was not familiar with BPD). I've read several books including "eggshells" that have been helpful. At this point frankly what I want most is some distance, however, my sister has no friends and no one else to "dump" on. I loathe confrontation and have not been nearly as successful as I like in establishing boundaries. She would never accept that she has an illness though realizes she has mood issues. I realize she has an illness; but I often struggle with guilt that though I want the best for her; I want much more separation in our lives. But with her being so alone I realize that is cruel. However, I've become a doormat. Obviously there is much more depth/detail. However, my life is so busy I've not even had time to access this site. Thank you for any wisdom.

[psalm103]

Hello,
I've wanted to access this site for advice on coping with adult sister with BPD while upholding my biblical world view/principles. I'm caring for elderly parent, dealing with personal chronic disease, working full-time and my sister (in late 50's) is unaware that she has BPD. (I spoke with a therapist friend to obtain diagnosis - and previously was not familiar with BPD). I've read several books including "eggshells" that have been helpful. At this point frankly what I want most is some distance, however, my sister has no friends and no one else to "dump" on. I loathe confrontation and have not been nearly as successful as I like in establishing boundaries. She would never accept that she has an illness though realizes she has mood issues. I realize she has an illness; but I often struggle with guilt that though I want the best for her; I want much more separation in our lives. But with her being so alone I realize that is cruel. However, I've become a doormat. Obviously there is much more depth/detail. However, my life is so busy I've not even had time to access this site. Thank you for any wisdom.

[Turkish]

What specifically do you think you want to do that might be Un-Christian?

[ijustwantpeace]

Just know that God wants good for you.  Your sister and her problems are hers alone.  God is the healer, not you.  It is not your job to try to save your disordered relative, it is Jesus you does the saving.

You have my permission to be healthy and take care of yourself.  Pray for your loved one, and let God do the work of healing them.

[psalm103]

I want to distance myself - not be the daily sounding board, say that I need space (have tried). Normally I wouldn't think that is "unchristian" but my sister has no friends. Only close relative is elderly father with dementia. When I have said I need space either I get verbally abused for being "so cold to her needs" or I get a break for 1-2 days and then the pattern starts again. If I'm really honest I would prefer to have a much less connected relationship.

[hellebore1]

Are there people in your church who can help?  Would your sister go there with you?

[Mooberry]

I want to distance myself - not be the daily sounding board, say that I need space (have tried). Normally I wouldn't think that is "unchristian" but my sister has no friends. Only close relative is elderly father with dementia. When I have said I need space either I get verbally abused for being "so cold to her needs" or I get a break for 1-2 days and then the pattern starts again. If I'm really honest I would prefer to have a much less connected relationship.

In the past, I have struggled so much with creating boundaries because I was raised to take care of those around me.  Unfortunately, no one is preaching about what to do when someone is mentally ill- and what caring for them looks like.  I have found that medium chill responses are what work best for me and my relationship wiyh my BPD mom.  She calls to bitch and complain, "Oh man, mom, I'm running into a meeting, let's talk later".  It's what I like to call a soft boundary.  You'll find that if you are no longer the person she goes to, she WILL find someone else.

Also, at least for me, there is recognition that we are all responsible for our own behaviors.  If Jesus had a borderline mother (not trying to be blasphemous) what would he do?  It's a really difficult question because we know that solid, firm boundaries are what pwBPD need, but we feel obligated to help them how they think they need to be helped (i.e. by  not abandoning them).  So, if we enable them by having poor boundaries, are we making their condition worse- and not helping them?  I think this is an interesting spiritual though exercise... .do we give drinks to an alcoholic or do we support them in their recovery by not giving them the temptation? 

I spent a long time struggling with how me putting boundaries was not christian of me... .but me not putting boundaries was also causing me to waste my gifts and talents by being overwhelmed by my mother's demands.  Just my 2 cents.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi psalm103,

Welcome to the board. 

You'll discover that there are many other Christians here on the board who struggle with similar issues and questions such as you are asking. This is a complex issue, and it is quite influenced by what we have been taught throughout our growing up years especially. Even if I didn't know the questions to ask, somehow I inherently knew that I wanted to be Christ like in my dealings with my uBPDm. What did that really mean? For me it meant treating her the way I had been taught in the church. However, since I've been in T, some of those beliefs I absorbed have had to be questioned for what they truly are. Are they a representation of what Christ would do? Am I following His leading in the situation or am I following man's obligation? Where do my feelings of guilt come from? Are the given by the Lord or by man?

Much to think about, and good for you for reaching out and asking them aloud. Nearly all of us struggle with this issue.

 
Wools

[ijustwantpeace]

I have come to the point where honoring my mother means not giving into her demands for attention in "unhealthy ways".

Who knows if enough people cut off her supply maybe she will get the help she really needs.

I like how Mooberry puts it, "do we give drinks to an alcoholic or do we support them in their recovery by not giving them the temptation".

BPDs are hardwired to seek attention in the most destructive way possible.  If you don't give them drinks aka supply they still might get it elsewhere, but you won't be adding to the problem.

Sadly my family has broken ups as my mother's BPD is insatiable.  She finds drama, and creates it when her supply is low.

She never says kind words, only works to destroy people and relationships.

I have never seen her say a kind or encouraging word to anyone, ever.

[psalm103]

Thank you all for your encouragement and reinforcement. I'm determined though nervous about setting some boundaries but with some guidance am ready to do so. In response to your question helebore1, I have received some help from clergy, however, although a believer my sister's theology and mine differ quite a bit so we could not mutually agree upon pastoral mediation. Which is fine and of course her right.
I am planning to set forth boundaries in a letter in a loving matter, so there will be no later accusations that something was said that was not. Before moving forward, I have a friend who is a therapist and will ask her to review.

[Notwendy]

I would hold off on sending a letter. It is good to write it and you can even post it here ( take out any identifying details) but iMHO, I would learn more about handling BPD relationships before putting something in writing to a pwBPD.

You don't actually have to tell a person you are setting boundaries. Boundaries are what we hold ourselves to, not something we impose on another person. You can not control your sister's actions, only your responses to them. Boundaries are better acted on than spoken about. It basically- when sister does or says X, I will do Y.

Boundaries reflect our own values. We have to be true to our values, so your Y can be an action consistent with your values.

For instance: honesty- I will not say "Yes" when I mean "No". ( it may be harder to say no but it is the honest answer)

So Sis calls you up and says " I need you to do something" - Your boundary is to answer authentically.

Loving a person is wanting the best for the higher version of themselves. What they want you to do may not be what is good for them. An alcoholic might say " go get me a bottle of liquor". They may want you to do it, but it isn't in their best interest. Refusing to do what they want may feel mean to them, but it is acting in their best interest.

Basically, asking am I acting authentically according to my values? and "if someone asks me to do something - and I am willing to do it- does it nurture the best of them, or does it enable them and keep them in dysfunction" helps me with a lot of situations. That person may not like my answer or may not like me for it, but if it is sincerely for their good, then it is in that sense being kind.

Also, you must be kind to yourself. One religious concept is that God made you as a unique individual and in God's image. Does God not love you as much as any other of his creations? Of course God does. Why would God ask you to not be who you are as a unique person for the sake of someone else? Being a unique individual includes having boundaries about taking care of who you are and not tolerating abuse.

You can respond according to your own theology, but be careful to distinguish being kind from enabling.

[sklamath]

You don't actually have to tell a person you are setting boundaries. Boundaries are what we hold ourselves to, not something we impose on another person. You can not control your sister's actions, only your responses to them. Boundaries are better acted on than spoken about. It basically- when sister does or says X, I will do Y.

I agree. I found it helpful to write out my own boundaries with BPD mom (for myself,  not to send) in a format of "I will not____; instead, I will _____". For example, I will not apologize for things I didn't do to Mom. I will take pride in who God made me. I will take responsibility for my actions and missteps, and apologize once if I have wronged her."

Several years ago, there was a member of our church community who had a lot of needs (in hindsight, probably either BPD or HPD). I realized that while I felt OK setting boundaries in other areas of my life, I was really struggling in the context of Christian community; why had God put this woman in my life, and what did God expect of me? Why did I feel sick to my stomach when I saw her name pop up on my phone? I had a conversation with a pastor, who reminded me that it's OK to say, "I cannot minister to you in the way you need right now." How freeing! I also found myself reflecting on Galatians 6, and realizing this woman was expecting those around her to carry not only her burdens, but also her daily load. She was essentially creating needs/burdens because she didn't know how else to be in authentic relationships with those around her. And the energy I was putting into trying to carry her loads & burdens was detracting from places my time and energy was better spent. I think this woman's presence in my life, if only for a season, has helped me to trust that God wants us to have good boundaries.

Your sister's lack of friendships is not your fault, and "dumping" is not a way to build relationships. Which is more cruel: telling her that you are unable to meet her needs, or continuing to play this role that keeps you both stuck? How has investing in trying to save your sister detracted from other places in your life?

[Mooberry]

I really appreciate this thread, btw.  Reading people's responses has been very helpful with how I self talk about my mom, and my boundaries.

This community is awesome!

[Woolspinner2000]

Great discussion!  Keep it going!

I think it's extra hard when we have a disordered person in our lives who has also taught us what we 'need to' believe or how our spiritual life 'should' operate. The twists and turns of what they want doesn't always line up with what the heart of the Lord is truly like. It's a challenge to untangle the lies and find the truth but well worth doing so.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.

Wools