Looking for some help: feel like I cause BPD episodes

[Bud w]

I'm looking for some help. I've read two books on BPD, had countless discussions with my fiance, and still manage to cause BPD episodes at least monthly. I generally will tell her I love her, and that I'll be back in a while when this happens, but it makes me feel bad. Luke I'm not doing enough. Mind you, this is what she tells me I should do, give her space. Bit it makes me feel like a bad partner. Am I doing this right?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hey Bud w and

Am I doing this right?

theres not a lot about this disorder that is intuitive 

im sure that youre doing your best. even the most experienced folks here struggle. none of this is easy.

tell us more about the episodes and what leads up to them... .how it plays out between the two of you.

[Bud w]

The episodes can arise from just about any and everything, as I'm sure you're aware. Recently, it was because after working 70 hours a week, for a month, I finally had a day off, to rest. I got up that day, she was already at work. I decided to run some errands. Groceries, new antipull dog harness (our dog drags her around, and this is something she wanted), and then went to look at getting a new bicycle. I got home, took the dog for a walk, and when we got back she was home. Told her I needed to go back down the street, as the harness was too big for our dog, and when I got home, she was fuming about the dishes not being done. Regardless of the fact that I had said I was going to do then before I made dinner earlier through text, it didn't help. So, I did what Ive learned helps. Told her I loved her, and that I was going for a walk. It's always little things, that turn into BIG things. They're also wuick to be gotten over, but it doesn't change the fact that she can be hurtful during these episodes.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Bud w, joining once removed in welcoming you!

Big reactions to little things is a common BPD trait. It doesn't matter if I've taken the kids out to the park, folded and done laundry, cooked two healthy meals, bathed the kids and put them to sleep - if I forgot to wash out the cup with milk in it, I'm a totally inconsiderate person.  

I don't know if your fiance has BPD, though she certainly displays BPD traits. I think what's important to remember is that for people with BPD, something will eventually trigger them no matter what, and while we sometimes may be the trigger, we are not the cause. It sounds like you are working hard to be a good partner and soon to be husband. I think by expressing love you are doing the right thing.

Two suggestions for you to get started: first, posting on other member's threads is a great way to engage with others in similar situations and start building a support network.

The second is to check out the amazing skills workshops on the board. Maybe Do's and Don'ts in a BPD relationship would be a good one to start with.

Have you tried leaving the conversation when it became hurtful?

~ROE

[Bud w]

Thanks roe! I absolutely do leave at that point. We talk at length about what's transpired after emotions have cooled. She has been diagnosed with BPD, and has done some intensive therapy for it. Even tonight we talked more about it. She feels she does better with me. For a few reasons. I generally don't get mad. Upset, or hurt, but not mad. I dont push (anymore, I learned this early) her to communicate during episodes. I realize that much of this is out of her control. If and when it gets to this point, it's when I make my exit, after telling her I love her, and I'll be back in a while. Sometimes it's like I can see it in her eyes. She is not proud in these moments, and I can see that. She isnt intentionally mean. I'm just hypersensitive to her anger, and it sucks, because I don't want her to feel that way, or sometimes be the reason or trigger for it. I will definitely try to be more active in these boards, and check out the it's and donts.

[once removed]

she was fuming about the dishes not being done.

ah, a classic husband and wife fight, as old as time 

can you break it down for us? what did she say? how did you respond?

how does it usually play out when you take a time out? it sounds like both parties cool off, from what im reading. the reason i ask is that it can be a fine line between taking a healthy time out, where both parties get back to baseline, vs both parties disconnecting when conflict occurs.

it sounds like its more of the former, but id like to hear more.

[Bud w]

Hi onceremoved! This particular situation played out like this. I returned home after gettingbthe right sized harmess for the pup, she glared at me, said "you had all day to do these, and yet here I am, doing them, because you had "better" things to do" in a hurtful tone. I knew right away that this was an episode. I told her I had planned on doing them before dinner, and that I was sorry that her expectation wasn't met. A few other statements were made by both of us, neither rude, but she was still upset. I told her I loved her, and that we (the dog and i) would be back in a while (which is my go to move durimg an episode). After walking downtown, to the lake, and then back home, she was in a better place, and we were able to talk through what had transpired. Her episodes are always scary because of her anger in the moment. She doesn't, nor has she ever self harmed,  doesn't have many of the risky behaviors often associated with BPD, so I know when I leave, that she will be safe, and self soothe on her own. It's just counterintuitive to how I would normally approach a conflict. The whole walk away, and fix later part. It works well, despite me feeling like I'm doing things wrong sometimes. Often, o domt need to even leave, just go to another room to read or something, and give her time and space. I've learned a lot while being with her, and the therapy she's been in both she and I feel, has helped SO much. It's made her aware of why she does what she does. Which in turn has given her the tools to give to me to help deal with the episodes. Both of our openness to any topic obviously helps as well. There are no lines to cross, or subjects that can't be talked about (which often brings a LOT of laughter for both of us). I know I've done the right thing after an episode is over, and we've talked about it. It's the during that I find the most difficult. I often feel I'm doing the wrong thing in that moment, even though I know better.

[once removed]

i think the trick is whether or not this method works for both of you. in some cases, we (i know certainly i did) can over rely on it, and wind up shutting our partners out, or our partners may not like it and escalate things... .it sounds like though it kind of goes against your instincts, it gives everybody the chance to cool off, and then things get discussed in a healthy way, yes?

how are things going lately?