Looking for insight: feel like I'm a bad partner

[Bud w]

I'm just looking for insight, or advice. My relationship with my fiance is solid. What I have the most trouble with is dealing with the BPD episodes. I hate that she's hurting, and want nothing more than to make her pain go away. I know that when she has an episode, that the best thing I can do is to give her space. I generally go for a long walk by myself, or with our dog. When I get back, she's usually in a better place, where we can talk about what happened. My issue is two things. Avoiding her triggers. Admittedly, I've gotten better, but I sometimes they're unavoidable. Any suggestions on this would help. The second piece of my personal struggle, is that I feel like a bad partner for walking away. This is what she's said works best, and that she appreciates my willingness to do this. It just hurts, me at least
 It leaves me feeling helpless, and like I'm not doing enough. Any insight is appreciated. Thanks
Bud

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

You cant avoid setting off all triggers. To a certain extend pwBPD need those triggers to get the emotion out. You will handicap yourself if you get too hung up on avoiding all of them.

The key is when you can both recognise when one has been tripped and learn to disengage and not react and thereby escalating things. This way you learn to be more empathetic and she gets some practice in self soothing. This is good for both of you. A lot of the time pwBPD dont work through the issues, as most would, they simply cut them off, almost like quarantining them. This is why sometimes they come back out just as powerful as when they were shut off. Your presence may actually make it harder to flip this switch, as it keeps the issue on the table

On a side note BPD thinking does not come and go, it is always there. It is just sometimes it can become confronting and even toxic. The "good" is still BPD thinking, it just fits in better with others. She will not process thoughts, good or bad, the same as someone who does not have BPD.

[Notwendy]

Waverider mentioned an observation I noticed growing up with a BPD mother. Discussing her behavior with a sibling, we originally thought she had two sides, the normal one and the BPD one. Eventually we understood that her disordered thinking was always there, and there were times when she was managing better than others. I find it interesting that WW mentioned the same thing- since this is something we observed before we had a name for what was going on with her, or the internet or any other information available. We were quite young at the time, but old enough to try to process what was going on. My parents did not discuss BPD with us and we learned about it later.

But back to your question- I agree with WW that trying to "take her pain away" or avoiding triggers is not helping her. Naturally it wouldn't be kind to purposely trigger someone but it is clear you are not doing that and trying to not have these episodes by appeasing her or walking on eggshells is not good for her or for you.

What feels "wrong" to you- taking a walk instead of trying to ease her discomfort is actually a positive thing to do. People with BPD have difficulty regulating their uncomfortable emotions.  If you stay and try to ease them for her, she doesn't learn to manage them better on her own. When you take a walk, you leave her to deal with her feelings. Apparently it seems to work if she is able to calm herself down. She even tells you this is best for her. Don't take this skill away from her by doing this for her.

Triggers are our own emotional responses to a stressor. They are unavoidable because- the triggers are hers ( and yours are yours). They are also a way for the person with BPD to let out uncomfortable emotions. You can work on your part in this- your own emotional reactions to her episodes. They may sound like they are about you ( she may project and blame you) but they also are her emotional response to being stressed or conflict. Two people are likely to have conflicts from time to time and it is important for you to stay calm and not emotionally reactive to her if she is having a difficult time.

On a positive note, she has stated that it is best when you give her some space to calm herself down. She knows what works for her. You have noticed that after she has been able to calm herself, this is the time to talk about whatever bothered her. ( and you). You both notice how to manage these episodes. Rather than dwell on avoiding or stopping this process, you can accept that this is what works and gain more skills at managing your side of things. The lessons on the side of the board- on communication and boundaries are helpful.

[Bud w]

Thank you to both waverider and notwendy. You both make good points. My real hangup is whether or not I'm doing the right thing. I realize and know that I can't "avoid" all triggers, and to try and do so would not be good for me. I generally don't feel I'm "walking on eggshells", unless it's during am episode. Your words ease my conscience on whether or not I'm doing the right thing. After an episode, after nothing us have calmed, I know I did the right thing by leaving the situation temporarily. It's in that moment of am episode, that I wonder if what I'm doing is right.
Again, thank everyone who's commented here. Your knowledge on this has been insightful, and appreciated.
Bud

[Notwendy]

During an episode, she is not able to think reasonable. Likely, you are shaken up too at the moment- they aren't easy to watch. As long as they are safe ( not self harming) it is best to leave them alone to calm down. It is also probably embarrassing to them to be seen as out of control.

This same principle applies to young children who are having a temper tantrum. These are normal events for children who have not yet learned how to self soothe and calm down when they are upset. It is important for them to gain this skill and most of them do when allowed to self regulate.

A child asks for a cookie before dinner.  The parent says "no" and the child pitches a fit- yelling, crying because he is frustrated at not getting a cookie. Parents are advised to place the child in a safe place for "time out" and allow the child to calm himself down. They may feel like a mean parent doing that and the child probably is calling them mean when angry- but it is the best thing to do for that child.

A parent who can not stay calm or tolerate the child's behavior might do something else- either punish the child ( for just being a child of that age) or give in an give him the cookie to soothe his frustration ( which is really soothing their own emotions for being the "mean parent". Both of these options actually delay the child's learning to manage his own feelings. We do the same thing when we treat an adult who has difficulty managing their feelings if we either react by fueling the drama or act punitively or walk on eggshells, or take responsibility for managing their feelings.

Yes, it is natural that your fiancees episodes upset you and you feel badly letting her calm down- but she has requested this and it is helpful to her to do that. She knows what works for her- so she has self soothing skills for these episodes.